2001

Email from May 26 2001

2001-10-10             12:22 a.m.

Sat, 26 May 2001 08:05:13 -0700
Well Honey I made it to work...Late as hell, but that is ok as this is OT for me. I hope you slept well, I did not myself I did not get to sleep till after midnight and I had some fucked up death dreams. I guess I should be happy that I am dreaming at all again. Oh well I guess I should work some tickets now, by the way check your out look, I sent 3 more mp3 on my way to bed last night...these are just to enjoy.
Love
Darkwolf
(aka Martin)

email fm my dark prince may 27 2001

2001-10-10             12:23 a.m.

Sun, 27 May 2001 05:46:00 -0700
go get some sleep my love.
I will talk to you later, when I get home and can see your face.
Love
Martin

email May 28 2001

2001-10-10             12:24 a.m.

Mon, 28 May 2001 06:16:41 -0700
Sorry my love, just a little flustered...but at least I know your are wake ;)
I love you
Martin

email from him May 30 2001

2001-10-10             12:24 a.m.

Wed, 30 May 2001 05:45:21 -0700
Well Honey,
You did it to me again, I over slept. Oh well, atleast the dreams were
worth
me running around like a chicken with out a head.
You should be getting my page as I am writing this, I hope it makes you
smile. I will be home late tonight, I HAVE to get laundry done tonight,
I
have no clean clothes left, and you want we all dooled up for the pics
right... Anywho, it is time I start getting my systems up for work. I
cannot
wait to see again.
I love you
Martin

email fm martin June 3rd 2001

2001-10-10             12:30 a.m.

Sun, 3 Jun 2001 10:27:35 -0700
nust be nice to be able to sleep all day. I will be late getting home to night. I HAVE to do that laundry, and I am going to get a new clock. I got someone who is interested in making that video, so I will be emailing him. Mayhaps I will get that made in the next couple of days. I was wondering about the bus reference in your letter ealier today, but hell what do I no. I am glad I brought a smile to your face with the page.
I Love You
Martin

email from him June 4th 2001

2001-10-10             12:32 a.m.

Mon, 4 Jun 2001 08:37:22 -0700
teasing little bitch....I do love you more than I can say

email from him June 5th 2001

2001-10-10             12:33 a.m.

Tue, 5 Jun 2001 08:47:48 -0700
Well I hope every thing is going well with the clean up...I do have access to the Internet right now, so I read your letter. I Love you and I want you, but I want you to be happy. I will understand what ever you decide to do. Thing are getting hot here so I will talk to you later.
I Love You
Martin

more June 5th

2001-10-10      12:34 a.m.

Tue, 05 Jun 2001 23:48:03 -0000
>
>sweetheart, I am sorry I missed you, I am on my way to meet Kevin, and
to
>talk about my littl video project. I will tell you all about it when I
get
>home.
>
>I Love you
>Martin

fm him June 11th 2001
2001-10-10             12:34 a.m.
Mon, 11 Jun 2001 06:26:07 -0700
Jesi,
Things have not gone well at this weekend. Mary got home at 4am on Saturday. I told her first about my little escapade. I found out very quickly that I have living under a false idea. A few months ago Mary and I had met a couple that we were interested in, we did end up in bed with them, but Mary was unable to do anything. I had thought that this was because the guy had reminded her of her former lovers husband. I had thought that we were still in an "open relationship". I found out that I was wrong on Saturday morn. A total lack of comunication, and me not thinking at all has led to me causing major damage. I have not told her of me feelings towards you, for to do so at this point would cause me to lose everything here. I am very sorry that I have done this to us. I have talked to Mary about us talking, leaving out certain parts, but as it stands now I cannot be what I had promised to you. This is very hard for me to do. I do not want to lose you and I do want us to continue to rebuild our friendship. I do not know if you will ever forgive me for this, I will not forgive myself for hurting you this way.
I am glad to hear that you are taking back a path that is more you.
I do not know what to say now. I do love you, I never lied to you. I had not relized what was going on with Mary's attitude since Anakin was born. She has gone through a lot of changes and I need to catch up to her if I am to make this work and be here for Anakin.
I await your response.
I Love You, and I do miss you.
Martin

clips from conversation on June 12th

2001-10-10             12:36 a.m.

(CLIPS FROM 6-12-01 conversation!)
Martin Darkwolf says:
look I would still like to see you move out here...I would like to be able to see you from time to time
Martin Darkwolf says:
does not change the fact that I miss you
jesi says:
thats what i asked u have a suspicious look
Martin Darkwolf says:
just sad
jesi says:
why
Martin Darkwolf says:
why the fuck do you think I might be sad
jesi says:
wellllllll i cannot change that now can i
jesi says:
u can not say i would not meet her i've tried 2xs
jesi says:
my pt is done
Martin Darkwolf says:
yeah
Martin Darkwolf says:
no worries
jesi says:
doesn't bother me but, it does u
Martin Darkwolf says:
as I said no worries
jesi says:
eyes say differant
Martin Darkwolf says:
just sad as I said
jesi says:
well i can only deal w/ choices and past memories of the ass hole that changed my fate
jesi says:
lately i have felt alot of hate twords him, hate that i thought was long gone......

email fm my dark prince June 12 2001

2001-10-10             12:19 a.m.

Tue, 12 Jun 2001 07:59:20 -0700
Jesi,
First let me say that I did as you asked and put Etha
on my blocked list...I want to rip her apart and show
her how pathetic she is, but I did not.
Second what I want from you is LOVE. Same as I always
have wanted. I love you, but I cannot show my love in
the ways I had wanted. For nor we must be friends, but
I love all of my friends...if I cannot love a person
why would I be there friend. I know things are not
going to be easy, but we are worth the pain. I have
told Mary about our playing on the computer, she does
not get it, but she is not really upset by it.So I say
we build again for here.
And last but not least...I want to keep them, and you
knnow what I mean. Pictures are nice, but this is so
much more you...it is a reminder for me that you are
in fact real. So unless you really get pissed at me or
really beg for them back... they will be what ties me
to you.
I Love You
Martin Darkwolf

another from June 14 2001

2001-10-10             12:20 a.m.

Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2001 5:57 AM
To: 'blazing angel_73'
Subject: RE: hi baby, can't sleep, need to vent and ur good 4 that....
Jesi,
Just hang in there honey. You will be soon, and then we can start to rebuild. Things are going to seem darker in the time to come, but that is because you can now see light up ahead. Just focus on that goal and you will come thru this stronger.
I Love you

Martin

email from dark prince june 14 2001

2001-10-10             12:20 a.m.

Thu, 14 Jun 2001 10:38:45 -0700
Jesi,
Just a quick line to let you know that I love you and that I am think
of
you. I hope your day is going better than mine is. I hate this place
and I
want a new job...not sure if I am going to last the day at this rate.
I will talk to you later, if you are on line with Mary tell her I love
her
for me.
I love you both very much
Martin

email from darkprince june 15 2001

2001-10-10             12:21 a.m.

Fri, 15 Jun 2001 09:13:10 -0700
To bad I do not know a way to make an ac work in reverse...it would be funny if he thought he was going to get the bedroom all cool and stuff and then ended up in a room at 200 degrees...so what I am evil.
Mary was suffering a big bout of insecurity last night, mostly of the "angel eyes" nickname...she will be ok, she is just thinking that you seem to have more of a connection with me than she does.. I think her words last night was that she was just a place keeper for you...I know this is just pms talking, but it still hurts a bit that she could doubt how much I love her.
Oh well I am rabbeling now, mayhaps you could drop her an email and give her a bit of a boost.
I Love you.
Martin

email from dark prince june 18 2001

2001-10-10             12:22 a.m.

6/18/01
is shut down. I have sent you a few emails, just
saying hi types of things. I Love you and I am
thinking of you.
I will talk to you later.
P.s. I like the story, it is a good start. and I do
not know what time I will be home, we are going out
with Mary's dad tonight.
P.S.S. I love you

conversation between me and my darkprince 5-26-01

2001-10-10             12:36 a.m.

(conversation between my darkprince and I 5-26-01)
blazing_angel_73: u arent going to do this r u
blazing_angel_73: please??????????????
darkwolf72: I cannot handle being so close yet being torn apart again, I am now and will always be your friend. BUt I am very close to doing things that I will never be able to reconcile with myself. I love you but are paths must be seperate this time.
blazing_angel_73: what do u think u are going to do?
blazing_angel_73: talk to me please don't shut me out
darkwolf72: My path is clear, I know how my life is to bed played out, for good or bad I have to make a difference, and that differnce is to be made here and now with those that I have here, I want you to be a part of this as an equal, and as I said I can force it, but I am chose not to...If I am to ever have you again it must be on my terms and of your own free will.
blazing_angel_73: I have also allowed myself to slip in to the could have would have should have senerios.....i have placed myself in direct fire and i can feel it.... i am terribly shaken with discissions that i cannot make and the desire to be with you. I have experianced your closeness again and want the love you offer but you don't understand. and because u don't u are leaving me sitting here alone to deal what we both started........
blazing_angel_73: fighting tears and pretending evrything is fine........ wishing there was a cure all pill to heal the pain.
blazing_angel_73: i could show u i do not lie
darkwolf72: What we have shared these past two days has helped me to heal many of the old wounds, it has given me an insight as to what had been done to me, now you have my love again, ad my friedship, I am just fighting back a part of me the wants to control and rule
blazing_angel_73: as i wip the tears that r now streaming down i find myself wishing i could just give in. i can't and it hurts...... all reliving my past did for me was make me want what i still can't have.......
blazing_angel_73: a life that moved on without me and built a new.....
darkwolf72: I want we had started to build those many years ago, my witch beside me strong and sure and able to take on the world before we were subverted by a snake, I want that strenght and power we had to be added to what I have now, I do not like the Idea that you have turned back, I wish you had found the path that I now walk.
blazing_angel_73: she is a very lucky lady i wish i could compete
darkwolf72: there is now competition between equals, she is everything you were, only Wiccan instead of satanic...
darkwolf72: no not now
blazing_angel_73: i dont want u to walk away now not until i can breath
darkwolf72: I am here, I should not have left and I am sorry, I am just a bit scared of what I am feeling
blazing_angel_73: my child is asking questions that i can’t answer be cause she would never understand
darkwolf72: Rage with me has always been the hardest to control
blazing_angel_73: she dont know what we were and i hope she dont find out tooo soon
darkwolf72: she needs to know and to know the truth of what we ARE
blazing_angel_73: i know rage i feel rage rage for a life i can not have rage for someone i do not know, rage for the fear i can not dealwith
darkwolf72: we are witches, and it is our choice which path to walk, I have found my way to the light and I wait for you
blazing_angel_73: sweet heart i have light i know who i am but that does not make me want u ant less nor does it stop the pain.......
blazing_angel_73: why didn't u answer the phone u knew it was me?
blazing_angel_73: u stood there and watched it ring
darkwolf72: yes I new it was you and I could not pick up, I was raging almost out of control
blazing_angel_73: ok i can accept your beliefs
darkwolf72: please do me a favor
blazing_angel_73: what
darkwolf72: read a couple of books for me
blazing_angel_73: if i can u myst understand i live in a southern babtist town
darkwolf72: we are there as well
blazing_angel_73: a very small southern babtist town
blazing_angel_73: ill make u a deal
darkwolf72: read "To Ride A Silverbroom Stick" by Silver RavenWolf
darkwolf72: what deal
blazing_angel_73: u send them , i'll read them
darkwolf72: ouch...ok make me work of that one...I will send you copies as soon as I can
blazing_angel_73: ok
blazing_angel_73: i will read as soon as u send
darkwolf72: lol
darkwolf72: so now where do we go from here
blazing_angel_73: it isn't that i'm against your religion i do believe i can live with that . you seek control and power I seek total commitment and romance.I cannot accept gaining a second woman. u know how jelous i am. not in the same house not in bed with u. I'm not that strong u could even call me weak. That bueatiful babys face staring at me brought tears to my eyes. I never realixed the feelings that i could feel if u did allow me in. I still want you but i know what that means
darkwolf72: "and I said well that the one thing we got"
blazing_angel_73: yes it is
blazing_angel_73: i almost showed u but i can’t do that to u
darkwolf72: sorry that song has bee playing pretty much non-stop...I am going to send you a new one
darkwolf72: oh do it
blazing_angel_73: here too
blazing_angel_73: no i can’t
darkwolf72: please
blazing_angel_73: i will not ever let u c what itr looks like to c me cry again
darkwolf72: oh that, I still remember that, something I could not forget
blazing_angel_73: yes
blazing_angel_73: i wont let that happpen
blazing_angel_73: i just snapped a friend’s head of on here
blazing_angel_73: she knows what im doing and she can read me as well as u can
darkwolf72: opps..due to me?
blazing_angel_73: she is giving me hell
blazing_angel_73: for getting involved
darkwolf72: I am sorry
blazing_angel_73: it’s me
blazing_angel_73: it’s me
blazing_angel_73: i looked for u i found u i long for u i am not wanting to loose u again
blazing_angel_73: u can’t touch her until u give in to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
darkwolf72: but if I give in to you, you won't let me have her
blazing_angel_73: i would ask is that so bad but i can not handel ur answer
darkwolf72: If I were different than I am..no, it would not be bad at all
blazing_angel_73: i know my greed probly sickens u but i am who i am and i want what i want i can live with anything except another woman
darkwolf72: are you getting the song?
blazing_angel_73: yes
blazing_angel_73: its still on its way
darkwolf72: I just do not understand jelousy
blazing_angel_73: what is it
blazing_angel_73: i think its greed
darkwolf72: "The Freshmen"
darkwolf72: by the verve pipe
darkwolf72: I do not understand greed either
blazing_angel_73: the only jelousy i have is that she has had u and i want u and she was lucky enough to be the mother of ur child and she can still have more there i said it r u happy
darkwolf72: I could be, but no I am not
blazing_angel_73: u could b what
darkwolf72: happy
blazing_angel_73: u just dont understand at all
darkwolf72: mostly I am clueless...I have developed a set of morals that I live by and now adays I cannot understand the rest of this soceity
blazing_angel_73: clueless and maybe a little blind to my feelings or hers i dont know martin i just know i do not understand how i can feel about u after 13 yrs as i do and pore my heart out as i have i am upset that i have not been able to hide what should have been if only for the little ones sake. i can not c how these 5 kids would grow up with morals when their mothers share the same man
blazing_angel_73: i don't want my daughters going thru men and the unhappieness that ive felt. i do not want them to feel like sluts in the morning after a one night stand that left then feeling empty.I don't want to teach my son that wemon r objects and that u should have alot of them.
darkwolf72: Their veiw of the world would be more open, greed would be unknown to the, you seem to think that it is a one way street that I want to all these women to serve me, that is not it, I am not opposed to another man in the family, as long as all those in the family are just that...Family
blazing_angel_73: i don't know where u live , i don't know what u have, i know that i have fought hard for what i have and the thought of change scares the shit outta me
blazing_angel_73: even if i agreed u would turn to her and her opinion would rule leaving me in second place
blazing_angel_73: i want to b first choice not the fall back
darkwolf72: Change is not easy, but this world is rotting from it stagnation, change is a must...we change or we die and that is the truth behind every thing I have
darkwolf72: is the song done yet
blazing_angel_73: no
darkwolf72: ok
blazing_angel_73: 1/2
darkwolf72: got to love that dial up
blazing_angel_73: not as much as i love u!!!
blazing_angel_73: yes
darkwolf72: nice shot...you damn well that I love you
blazing_angel_73: i did not say u didn't
darkwolf72: but you doubt that love from me means anything now with my new out look on life and family
blazing_angel_73: i wonder if u could ever love me like u once did
blazing_angel_73: with the love u have now
darkwolf72: as I still do...the ideas that I live by had started back then, remember we wanted a coven, I lost sight of my ideas for a long while and tried to be what was expected of me...but it always just fell apart but too much was missing for me
blazing_angel_73: i wanted a family i did not want to share u
blazing_angel_73: i wanted power and love but i wanted to be your love
blazing_angel_73: i will have to listen to it later kids r rowdy
darkwolf72: I wanted all of us to be a family, each gining to all the other and getinng from everyone as well, I want us to love...but it was not meant to be then, or now I guess
blazing_angel_73: i would love to be a fly on the wall when u told her what u want
darkwolf72: we have already talked that part out a long time ago, the only unknown factor in talking to her about this is you...I am not sure how she will react to you
blazing_angel_73: yes because it would be your playmate not hers something she is not use to i would say
darkwolf72: if I get you to agree, then i start to bring the two of you together as friends to see if it can work at all, it is not something that can be done over night...it takes time
blazing_angel_73: i do not object to meeting her i would be polite but i cannot agree blindly and it is a thing i really doubt i ever would
blazing_angel_73: i can't even imagine how you would work a thing like that
darkwolf72: I can only do this if you come in with the goal of being apart of this family...if it is possible, I will admit this is going to be hard because we have a past, Mary and I have been wanting to bring in others, but ones that niether of us have a past with
blazing_angel_73: i know i dont wanna see you sleep with another and i wont have an audence in that way i know we never cared b4 but this is differant. u werent fucking any one else but me that i knew of
darkwolf72: I had a past with Edie
blazing_angel_73: past= keyword
darkwolf72: but then again...who didn't
blazing_angel_73: not while with me . Right?
darkwolf72: right...I was not to the stage that I am now
blazing_angel_73: i know u about died when i messed up i didn't mean to i was young dumb and high..........
blazing_angel_73: u are also asking me to pull my kids 2000+ miles away fm their dad john lives here he has for over a year even though its a pain in my ass they deserve two loving parents
darkwolf72: I think the hardest part was that you went behind my back and did it...if you has came to me and "I real want this guy" I would have had no trouble with it
darkwolf72: I offer 3 loving parents
blazing_angel_73: baby thats just it i didnt i was stoned, i can not blame anyone else for that except my self but i got high i became needy and they were there not planned not intended just happen. i felt awful afterwards
darkwolf72: i know
blazing_angel_73: those r the only two times in my life as i sit and think about it that i didnt know a name....... and still don't
blazing_angel_73: now i live w/ that one
darkwolf72: right now I must say I hurt and I am alone...and I do not like this feeling
blazing_angel_73: i don't want u to hurt and i wish you were with me so u would not be alone
darkwolf72: last nigh tI did not feel this alone...but I guess now I relize you will not come to me...and it does hurt
blazing_angel_73: i know in a few days u will no longer b alone and u will not be here you will not have this time with me. u will probably hide this from her and i will be on the shelf waiting
darkwolf72: I have not been saving any of these...I am not in the habit of saving chat sesions
blazing_angel_73: well i have only as a peice of you that i can keep
blazing_angel_73: i dont normally
darkwolf72: she is the one that does most of the chating...I just play HalfLife and X-wing Vs. Tie Fighter
blazing_angel_73: he plays chess i type
blazing_angel_73: i hate that
darkwolf72: chess is not a game for the computer...chess should be played face to face..to much honor ion the game for the computer
blazing_angel_73: most the time he never touches my pc its mine
blazing_angel_73: i keep him away he dont even know how to read a disc
blazing_angel_73: i won’t teach him
blazing_angel_73: i own what i buy
blazing_angel_73: but the x wife striped him of everything it’s not his fault the house the kids thirty thousand$
blazing_angel_73: he fears commitment and trust
darkwolf72: I own othing...I earn all the money but it means nothing to me, what we have belongs to us
blazing_angel_73: material idems dont mean as much as love to me i can get other belongings but love is something i always fail in and can not keep in my life
darkwolf72: love can be a fleeting thing
blazing_angel_73: i guess
blazing_angel_73: everytime i love i get burned
blazing_angel_73: love is like a rose
darkwolf72: I never meant to hurt you
blazing_angel_73: i know
darkwolf72: smells sweet but watch thos thorns
blazing_angel_73: i am not blaming u
blazing_angel_73: i blame me
blazing_angel_73: yah
blazing_angel_73: u would die if u could read my book
blazing_angel_73: i have 15 yrs of emotions joy pain fear and heart break all in writing
darkwolf72: let me ask you this...say I was not with Mary..I was free, and you called... I would have come, what would you have done with all that you have built there
blazing_angel_73: i would have had u come here help get a u haul and left
blazing_angel_73: did u really want to hear that
blazing_angel_73: I don't think u did
blazing_angel_73: i still would
blazing_angel_73: am i wrong for being honost
darkwolf72: why stay there with him if that life is worth so little
blazing_angel_73: because i am without choices that are exceptable to my heart
blazing_angel_73: i cannot move i make little money i am tied down w/ 4 kids and i will not share a love
darkwolf72: so wait til a choice comes along that is worth keeping...he is not it, and perhaps I am not it for you either, but not keep him around, you are strong and do not need him...yes I am still worried about that
blazing_angel_73: i am not strong i use to sleep in the bathroom scared shitless in arkansas. i hated to go home at my trailer here i stayed awake knife in hand fearing the dark u just dont know
darkwolf72: then get your self to a place where you fell safe, do what it takes but get there...
blazing_angel_73: he is not physical the only damage he might do is drive me crazy but then i am. i am emotionally and sexually deprived but then ive been emotionally deprived my who life and being sexually deprived these days r better than being abused by sex
blazing_angel_73: lonlieness is my weakness and my greatest fear
blazing_angel_73: by the way i like the 1st song better it means alot to me
darkwolf72: I am with you, if not in flesh I know I am in your heart
blazing_angel_73: yes
darkwolf72: then do not be afraid
blazing_angel_73: and now i have alittle more of u to hold on to
darkwolf72: yeah but I do think freshmen describes what happened all to well
blazing_angel_73: maybe but i want to think of the other side
blazing_angel_73: i can relate to the words
darkwolf72: as do I, but I can not forget lest we fall again
blazing_angel_73: i can tell i failed to take my drugs today i cannot get off the bottom. depression is my way of life but the pills help block the pain. i hate crying i hate to show this kind of weakness, i like to breath asnd it hurts to breath it feels like my chest is being ripped out
darkwolf72: I am sorry I hurt you today
blazing_angel_73: just dont mention it it again is not ur falt i know u have your ways and i know i probably will never have u again
blazing_angel_73: it is my weakness
darkwolf72: and my pain as well
blazing_angel_73: i dont want u to feel my pain i want to shelter u and hide it from you i dont want you to blame me if u do anything that u regret
darkwolf72: but you can hide nothing from me, have you not learned this
blazing_angel_73: but that is not cool
darkwolf72: who the fuck cares what is "cool", that is about the last damn thing I have cared about since I was 16
blazing_angel_73: figure of speach
darkwolf72: e
darkwolf72: a poor one
blazing_angel_73: i have a poem for u to read u'd like it
darkwolf72: ok
blazing_angel_73: let me find a disc that holds it
blazing_angel_73: i did not write this but it’s how i feel
darkwolf72: ok
blazing_angel_73: shit its not there let me find it
blazing_angel_73: ok if all else fails go to the soarce
darkwolf72: yup
blazing_angel_73: my best friend wrote it the same best friend that was just bitching me out earlier she trys to keep me strait
darkwolf72: I cannot abide by "staight"...I like curves
blazing_angel_73: oh ull like this
blazing_angel_73: i like the other way it was printed better but that print is lost
blazing_angel_73: i just like it
darkwolf72: that was interesting
darkwolf72: but you are not dead yet
blazing_angel_73: but at times we feel dead
blazing_angel_73: i found the other one
blazing_angel_73: that sux
blazing_angel_73: i did heve it
darkwolf72: I am not sure what that feels like, I would assume it is to feel nothing but even at my worst there is still pain and I know that I am alive and can fight back
darkwolf72: I have not rolled over once since that day 13 years ago
blazing_angel_73: yes but first u must know howwwww to fight and u have to be willing to destroy whever is in your path this is something i can no longer do
blazing_angel_73: maybe that is whats wrong with me i lost my touch
blazing_angel_73: what ever it is it truely sux
darkwolf72: that happens, and then al you can do is fight like mad to get it back, you just can not stop
blazing_angel_73: what push you until u feel no choice but to run from me
blazing_angel_73: run further into the direction i want u away fm
darkwolf72: you do not have to destroy to fight, but sometime it is neccesary to protect yourself and your family
darkwolf72: no we have to find a ground to stand on that we both can live with, the fight was getting here, now we build
blazing_angel_73: i value what of u i have now why would i sacrafice that
darkwolf72: becuaes it can be more
blazing_angel_73: this is a very painful battel i have right now on one side is a man i love with passion and everything in me and on the other who i am and what i know about myself
blazing_angel_73: i feel like a tug of war rope
darkwolf72: have you ever broken a bone?
blazing_angel_73: along time ago
blazing_angel_73: i delt w/ it
darkwolf72: ok then you know that a the point of the break is incredible pain, the the bone knitts together and is stronger after the healing than before the break, pain is some time the teacher that shows us how to be stringer than we knew we could be
blazing_angel_73: i know u are probably right about that but i must feel this pain and i must learn to deal with it
darkwolf72: you must learn to get over it and to live again
blazing_angel_73: eventually one side has to win and one loose a compremise still will cause friction to over come
darkwolf72: si the life you have worth the pain and fear, is your god smiling on you?
blazing_angel_73: baby i know where that is going and i have had many blessing
darkwolf72: answer my question then
darkwolf72: be honest
blazing_angel_73: i am not happy with this situation nor the one i am in no
darkwolf72: then maybe you need look above your horizon for what there is for you
blazing_angel_73: i have been rising for 11 yrs
blazing_angel_73: life has gotten better
blazing_angel_73: i rose fm nothing to the home i have now
darkwolf72: Look I am not going to tell you to pack up and come out here, because first you need to learn to love you before you could love us, and I am not talking about sex at all, even if you we to be closer to us and be friends, before you handel that you would need to know you can stand on you own with no man to support you...I remember the fire you had when we meet, I will never believe is all out
darkwolf72: ronnie is a crutch to you,he is there because you dont know that life can go on with out one of those things sleeping in the next room
darkwolf72: are you stil there
blazing_angel_73: martin i dont want u to think ive not had happieness at all things just keep having major pit falls. i still have passion and i still have flames. i have learned to love me and except my past. i have come along ways. i am not irresponciple i have picked myself up everytime ive been brused and i continue to fight if that isnt fire i dont know what is. i have lived alone i hated it i can make it with out a mans finances i have i just do not want to deal with life with out a mate i enjoy men i love men i need men if only to please me. if i came there id take care of myself and my children i do not need help that way i run my own buisness. i need passion to keep my fire going!!!!!!!!
blazing_angel_73: yes
blazing_angel_73: now r we strait on that
darkwolf72: then I shall say no more on it, but remember I know more that you say
blazing_angel_73: i desire u in the name of love but i do not need the financial support and i need the physical and emotional support of a man strongenough to please me and make me feel secure
darkwolf72: I think you missed my point completely
darkwolf72: it was not the money I was talkig about, you are a complete person on your own and have no need of things like ronnie, do not get me wrong I have kept pets like him to amuse myself with, where is that amusment know?
blazing_angel_73: a man strong enough to deal with my past and who i am a man who will not hold back a man that cares how i feel a man that would walk thru fire to get to me. I need a man who will hold me when i cry and hug me when i laugh. i want a fool who believes in me as much as i will believe in him. i want a man who will give me respect and compassion.
blazing_angel_73: he once forfilled all these things
blazing_angel_73: like did u
blazing_angel_73: well not exactly like u
blazing_angel_73: he is no way in hell capible of giving me the fast track sexual experiances i crave.....
darkwolf72: I would have still, but I would not have stop growing and I think you are starting to see that, I still beleive in you, but you are looking for things outside yourself that need to come fromwithin. I never had a good relationship with anyone, untill I lerned to be happy by myself, to be able to draw on my own streenght and not need another around, when I was able to do that then I was ready to be with another, and to be an equal
blazing_angel_73: ok lets drop it it is clear this is one of those subjects that we disagree on
darkwolf72: fine
blazing_angel_73: good new subject
blazing_angel_73: any ideas
darkwolf72: nope
darkwolf72: kinda got my rage up
blazing_angel_73: i do not mean to piss u off
blazing_angel_73: i just feel like u are not understanding me and i dont know how to handel it
darkwolf72: I just want so much to take a hold of you and shape you into my own image...maybe in time you will thing as I do maybe you won't it is your choice and I can not make it for you
darkwolf72: I understand you all to well, I have been there
blazing_angel_73: if u love me why must u change me. isnt apart of love excepting who the person is....... i except you i know you are not gonna leave i regret that i love you more than i can prove because to prove would change who i am and make me weaker than i am
darkwolf72: why continue to make my mistakes when I already have done that, and I knoiw how to get out of, just be like me...oh wait that is just cloning of a different clour, may be I just need to let you live your life and be ready to help if you ask
blazing_angel_73: i came seeking , i found, i love, i loose, i want i cant, must that always be it
darkwolf72: until you learn the lesson of it, yes, you will repeat
blazing_angel_73: lessons are always differant yet the same in the long run i have learned many tough lessons in life. i am proud of my accomplishments and yet i am still searching
blazing_angel_73: i believe u call it being a student of life?
darkwolf72: and when does student become a teacher, being a student is only a good thing if you learn and move on, not run in a circle
blazing_angel_73: i love u , u know that
blazing_angel_73: even if our eyes don't meet
blazing_angel_73: love is a choice and one i have made
darkwolf72: yes I kow, that is why I am so frustrated by this...why I can not let go , if you did not love and i did not love you, I would just to hades with and let it go
darkwolf72: shit I cannot type again
blazing_angel_73: i never ment to frustrate u.
darkwolf72: i know
blazing_angel_73: do u really know.
darkwolf72: yes, but it does not change the facts
blazing_angel_73: im sorry
blazing_angel_73: i have always been a challenge to u
darkwolf72: do not be, it is because I love you that I am in this state
blazing_angel_73: i dont want u in that state i want u here with me............ i couldn't resist that one
darkwolf72: lol
blazing_angel_73: don't hold it against me
darkwolf72: I got something better to hold against you...me
blazing_angel_73: yes u do but u won't
darkwolf72: not from this distance, why don't cum a little closer
blazing_angel_73: 2000 miles and lack of funds, another family and my lack of change
blazing_angel_73: yah cum there nope im not gonna finish that
darkwolf72: why not
blazing_angel_73: because u will be upset with me
darkwolf72: say it
blazing_angel_73: oops
blazing_angel_73: i gotta quit that
darkwolf72: opps what
blazing_angel_73: thinking things to make myself cry
darkwolf72: what
blazing_angel_73: cum there so u can still cum 4 her there i said it i dont feel any better
darkwolf72: sorry
blazing_angel_73: it’s me
blazing_angel_73: u cannot help what i feel
blazing_angel_73: u can not change the way u feel
blazing_angel_73: i am not gonna put u down for loving her
blazing_angel_73: but i can drive myself insane thinking about it
darkwolf72: I can change, but I do not want give up the love I have for you
darkwolf72: I want to rebuild what we had but not by tearing down what I built here
blazing_angel_73: i wasnt refering to the way u feel about me i was refering to her thats what i would change dont u c that
darkwolf72: yes I see
blazing_angel_73: oh i could say something but it would sound hateful and greedy on my pt
darkwolf72: why hold back, get it out and be done with it
blazing_angel_73: ok move me there , live w, me and go over there and mess with her c i told u i sound greedy and selfish
blazing_angel_73: dont even answer that
darkwolf72: that is just the exact opposit of what I want, I do not want anyone "messing around" with anyone else, and I want us to be a Family
blazing_angel_73: my problem is i dont wanna see it
blazing_angel_73: i dont want it done in my face
darkwolf72: I want you and Mary to love each as much as I love both of you, even if that is like sisters, I want us to love together
blazing_angel_73: i could handel sharing if i didnt have to do that
blazing_angel_73: brb gotta run to van need a pk of smokes
darkwolf72: i need a smoke as well
blazing_angel_73: im back
darkwolf72: as am i
blazing_angel_73: ok
blazing_angel_73: i went all the way to van 4 nothing
darkwolf72: but I do need to get to bed soon, have to get up at 4am for work
blazing_angel_73: i understand
blazing_angel_73: i forgot u wk on sat
darkwolf72: drop me some mail at work, I will bored to tears at mjarrell@techusa.org
blazing_angel_73: i will
darkwolf72: good, I Love you Jesi
blazing_angel_73: i love you too
darkwolf72: I will talk to you later ok
blazing_angel_73: ooooook if u must
blazing_angel_73: i was gonna call but thats ok
darkwolf72: I must, I need 6 hours if I am going to be worth anything
blazing_angel_73: ur always worth something 2 me
darkwolf72: thank you
blazing_angel_73: ok my darling i am here all day
darkwolf72: good night love
blazing_angel_73: love u night i won’t say good
Yahoo! Messenger: darkwolf72 has logged out. (5/26/01 at 12:08 AM)

email from june 27 2001

2001-10-10             12:13 a.m.

figured out how I am going to make myself feel better...hope i can sleep after all this reliving the past...but for me it is somin I have to do and I'm sry if it upsets ppl...I have to release what is haunting my heart....as I said b4 he spent alot of time professing his love then clames that I stocked him...this still bothers me...so here I go setting the story strait sry if these r not in order but I didnt do a very good job at storing them in order...anyhow...heres the proof that clears my name....(letters from him and clips of conversations continued through out the next few entrys)
Wed, 27 Jun 2001 05:53:50 -0700
Good Morning Love, As you guessed, I was sick yesterday. My throat is still a bit sore. Oh well what can you do right. Well I will be working all week to make up the 2 days I took off this week. I am sorry that I have not been going on line to chat, but I think that it is best at this point just to let us cool off, I still love you as much as ever, but the facts are that we are not going to be together any time soon. I hope your date with the cowboy goes well. I do want you to be happy. Well I do need to do some work, so I am going to cut this off here. I Love You. Martin
(go to next entry)(or should I say previous)

conversation 6-2-01 (apollogy)

2001-10-10             12:59 a.m.

(conversation 6-2-01)
jesi says:
what r u doing up
Martin Darkwolf says:
good fyou are still online
jesi says:
yes writing u
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am sorry
Martin Darkwolf says:
I good not go to sleep
jesi says:
why
Martin Darkwolf says:
I never should have said those things to you
jesi says:
turn on cam
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am an asshole, of course your life is yours to live, I am just thankful you chose to spend any part of it with me
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Martin Darkwolf says:
where are you my love
jesi says:
im here
Martin Darkwolf says:
I cannot see you
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Martin Darkwolf says:
nothing
jesi says:
shit
jesi says:
push ur start button
Martin Darkwolf says:
do not worry too much about it
jesi says:
i am because i wanna c ur face as u speak to me
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Martin Darkwolf says:
there you are
Martin Darkwolf says:
are you ok
jesi says:
yes i also cannot sleep
jesi says:
yes
jesi says:
i will be fine
Martin Darkwolf says:
I amsorry I upset you
Martin Darkwolf says:
please forgive me
jesi says:
i forgive u i just do not understand u
Martin Darkwolf says:
join the club
Martin Darkwolf says:
no oone does, not even I
jesi says:
i can understand that u've made ur own choices
jesi says:
i can even understand why u are happy w/ them
jesi says:
but i can not understand how u can sit there and expect me to just go along with every detail u want when i am doing everything i can short of two things to give u what u want for such a small part of what i want in return
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is why I am here apologizing to you a midnight...I was wrong to do that.
Martin Darkwolf says:
to even think such nonsense was wrong of me
jesi says:
i except ur appology but at the same time i know u enough to know u would not have said it if it were not true
jesi says:
it is the way u want things
Martin Darkwolf says:
the world does not turn the way I want it...I will just have to use to that fact
Martin Darkwolf says:
still love me
jesi says:
life just isn't fair now is it
jesi says:
u know i will always love u
Martin Darkwolf says:
no but sometimes it is carnaval
jesi says:
even if i can never have u thats the way love is
Martin Darkwolf says:
not even a reaction to a great pun like that...what is this world comig to
Martin Darkwolf says:
never have me?????
jesi says:
to myself so to speak
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh...thought you had changed you mind about coming
jesi says:
not yet
Martin Darkwolf says:
yet, as in mayhaps on the morror you shall
jesi says:
i am playing this by ear i will be completely certain of your expectations and weather i am capible of forfilling them b4 i leave here. I need to know exactly where i will stand in ur life and u in mine
Martin Darkwolf says:
I Love you...despite whatever macho babble I may yet spew, I love you with out limits
jesi says:
i love u too that’s the hard part
jesi says:
that is the whole tug of war thing that is keeping me awake
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will be here for you, and I will place no restictions upon you...if the only way I can be a part of your life is to have you here and never be able to touch you...so be it
Martin Darkwolf says:
you were my closest friend, you kew my as only I had known me. your loss is still being felt. I need you back to be complete
jesi says:
sure like i can be near u and not touch u, who do u think ur talking to mother threasa
jesi says:
i want you and i plan on comming there as u have asked, there is still a place in my heart (no matter how bad this sounds) that says when things as u know it fall apart I will take my rightful place which is what i want. now with that i do believe i should shut up
Martin Darkwolf says:
mayhaps you will...for the future is always in motion, I knoiw not what the morror holds for us, but I do know that I will always love you
jesi says:
i could handel u having others i can even handel u telling me about it i would even be willing to share in some of these things w/ u but ultimately i desire to be the one u hold 1st , the one u come home to when ur running is done. and i love u
jesi says:
that much
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok love, lets us pick this up later, now that we have smiles...kiss me quick and show me your tits for a need sweet dreams tonight
jesi says:
i was in the process of writing u
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
jesi says:
i love u , this is just something i guess i'll have to deal with
Martin Darkwolf says:
what is in the letter
jesi says:
i am not a happy camper right now and i have too much on my mine w/ no outlet 4 release, i will not lash out at u and take the chance of loosing u again
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am not going back to bed am I?
jesi says:
that is ur choice
Martin Darkwolf says:
do you need me now?
jesi says:
i need a new brain i do believe this one is about to crash
jesi says:
boom explode
Martin Darkwolf says:
lol...say the word and put on a pot of coffee
jesi says:
but u , u have to wk and i know u will not be able to function if u do not sleep so i want u to take care of urself
Martin Darkwolf says:
we are moving workstations so I do have to be there in the morning
jesi says:
c so u need sleep
Martin Darkwolf says:
can we back burner this till after work
jesi says:
my temper is wild and crazy but as the psychs say short lived by then i will probably just tell u not to worry about it
Martin Darkwolf says:
just send me the letter as soon as it is done...I will read it at work, ok
jesi says:
u do not need that at wk
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok send it here and I will read it as soon as I get home
jesi says:
that would be a better idea
jesi says:
if i decide to send once it is done
jesi says:
i may just use it as a release
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok...I am starting to fade, so either tell to go make coffee or send me to bed
jesi says:
u may go my love i'll probably be here when u wake up
Martin Darkwolf says:
get some rest please
jesi says:
when i can no longer hold my eyes open i will
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok fair enough
jesi says:
i'm on the couch tonight he and 3 kids r n my bed
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok blow me a kiss
Martin Darkwolf says:
and what was the other thing I asked for
Martin Darkwolf says:
atleast flippen laugh...I am trying to be cute
jesi says:
yes u r cute, but i just have too much going thru my crazy head that i can not even think of laughter right now so scoot on to bed and think good things morning comes earley
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
jesi says:
i love u
jesi says:always

Thats Who I Am

2001-07-06             3:06 a.m.

well hello there.......
if you've entered my world you are in for an exciting ride....I have daily challenges after all I am a mom of 4.... 3 girls and one boy ages 4-11. I can garentee you that there is never a dull moment around my house..... As for my love life well that too has many challenging things going on...I am legally seperated and living with another.... but on a higher note I am currently hopeful that an old love will reconcider our relationship... see I told you that this was going to be an exciting journey..
I write poetry and with in time I will post many poems on here for you to view....
you can also visit my web community and view pictures and writings of many kinds at http://communities.msn.com/jesilynsfamily...
For starters I will tell you a little about myself and what I stand for...first of all, I am a survivor..
I have survived many trials... with love, drug abuse, childhood sexual abuse...I have however never been in trouble with the law....I have survived abusive relationships with parteners.....I lived on the streets as a run away for almost three years...not to mention I was a teen parent.....
the way I figure it what didn't kill me has only made me stronger..
I love positive people..... not to say that I don't have my down days..I'm just saying that I work very hard to view the positive.... I am a big sister kind of person... I have very strong views and sometimes come accrossed as a bitch... but deep down inside I am a warm sweet kind caring individual that has been delt a difficult hand of cards... I don't expect the world to revolve around my life and I won't circle around anyone elses.....
I love the simple things in life.. the stary nights, a sunset, the smell of the fresh cut grass.
I love to be held by a campfire while listening to the crickets chirp... The smile of a child and most of all the special feeling of being needed.....
I am a friend to all that is worthy and even to some that aren't.... I won't be a doormat but I will give the shirt off my back if a person needs it more than me...
My religion is a quite controversial subject for I believe in the ways of the christian and yet I am a witch.... I believe live as you will but harm none.. I practice magic and spells but worship god... go ahead think what you must it is your freedom to have an opinion... as it is mine to be who I am....
with this I will close..... Hope you have a wonderful day/night .......
yours truely,
jesilyn

OPTIMISTIC

2001-07-06             3:08 p.m.

Good afternoon,
life in my world is anything but normal.....kids running thru the house screaming....my oldest daughter is 11.... she had me dye her hair yesterday....and today she's wearing make up...and puting on nails......not to mention she is painting them blue....
my son....kid needs help!!!! he won't stop picking on my babys...and if he don't pull up those pants I'm gonna scream........ the babys well (they aren't babys anymore but to me they will always be my babys)
they are getting into everything...toys, water and messing with my cat.....agh!!!! Ellie pulled his ears...yep I'm going crazy......Any one want some kids.......FREE!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!! they are mine and I love them.....
anyway...the house is clean...and I do believe I am alittle on the bored side.. but of course every minuet has a new challange....Here it is summer but it's tooo hot to do anything outside....unless u want to sweat your ass off and thats not really me....lol....
I still haven't heard from my dark prince which is the x b/f I refered to in the earlier entry... I think he is a wonderful pagan guy..... even though his morals may not seem to practical to the " normal world" I'm very optimistic though that the gods above will bring him around to contact me again.......
I think I'm gonna close with one of my favorite quotes from jon bonjovi....
IT'S MY LIFE IT'S NOW OR NEVER I AIN'T GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!
PEACE B WITH U,
JESILYN

MY FIRST BITCH SESSION!!!

2001-07-07             2:50 a.m.

OK ANY ONE IN FOR HEARING A BITCH SESSION???????????
I told u my life is full of excitement... well listen to this.... My daughter who is 11 yrs old...caught my boyfriend of two years kissing the drunk neighborhood slut that lives next door...yep...it's true....Am I pissed..... well u can say that... am I furious well..... u can say that toooooooo....... but at the same time I am in a slight way hopeful that he will leave..optimistic really...he has never loved me in two years and I have hung on thinking that my love could keep things together... I know stupid huh?? I know from the past that one-sided relationships never work out......but still I cannot go down in thee books as being a quiter..so I put 110% into it and made my mark in time......this by no means makes jesilyn a push over no!!!!!! I just am no quitter until the end is finial...
I know you are asking yourself now what??? right???? well I'm just gonna let nature take it's course...he will move on and i will get another chance to find mr. right.....that is if he exisists.. I told u I am no quitter..I just keep trying.never really wanna marry again.that shit is for the birds. a peice of paper that says u can be owned by another.. bonded by law to be together even when things get sour....never ever again..not this bitch.and yes right now the bitch has been unleashed to do as she will.......
I do believe that a meditation is in order...something simple and sweet. something to get the god flowing..add an ora in the air that will make him living in this house very uncomfortable.....
I will worry about that later...for now lets talk this out....
A> I could throw his shit out in the yard but, I gave my word that I'd never do that so........that idea is canceled..
B> I could go over there and kick some ass...... yah I could but where would that leave my kids when I end up in jail......well another brilliant idea down the drain..
C> I can wait until he comes home and throw a hissy... no....I won't even let him know he is bothering me.....thats even worse.....
D> I could pack everything I own and leave his ass... but where would a singel mom who knows no one go at 3am........lol nowhere....so thats also out of the question.....
E> most reliable sleep on it....make plans and move on...yep thats it thats what I will do......
ok now that we got that solved....I guess I will close... believe me this is not over.....not in a million years.. so stay tuned I'm sure things are about to get spiced up.......
just call me jesilyn the retaliating bitch.....bye now!!!!!!

shit hits the fan

2001-07-09             2:01 a.m.

hello again.....
told u it wasn't over..he finially came in at 2 something yesterday after noon..and well against my better judgement I went off on his ass.so much for keeping my cool huh..bitch revalotion....
first i threw some mail at his ass second i threw the kiss in his face third i threatened to call his x wife...and i told him he wasn't moving the van.......mmmmmmmmm...pissed him off...
he went outside cut the phone off the house, then he rolled the van backwards down the hill..yes.... I laughed about the van but the phone pissed me off....
he flew up in my face i didn't back down..nope not me..i had to scream and yell right back....
to make a long story short i had a friend call police he was gone by the time they got there.they told me to go get a restraining order..well... I did it..jesilyn is no fool..paybacks r hell...
they surved him.then i went and got my x husband to b..and took him for protection to my house..nooooooo nothing like u r thinking.. i was trying to piss my b/f off.. and guess what it wked...
today the b/f has been very kissy kissy acting..i took and dropped off stuff 4 him.i'm a bitch but cold hearted no..
now i'm stuck w/ a delima... do i let him come back at least long enough to have his kids 4 visitation.i love the kids never would i wanna hurt them.... or not.... if i do i know i'll play hell getting him out.... shit rock and hard place....I'll think about it and get back with you tomorrow.....
until then....I'll be waiting for my next lively adventure....
jesilyn

SLIGHT CASE OF CODEPENDANCY

2001-07-11             1:24 a.m.

well hello there.........
another day a new adventure.... two days ago i was so happy my car was running after almost a year and a half. yes my personal life is up in the air but i was too excited about my car to care as much..today I busted the oil pan again..my luck sux....yep i do believe i am hexed but i'll get beyond it.....I'm strong and where there is a will there is a way....
last night I called my dark prince on the phone..I was glad to hear that he's ok.he didn't tell me why he wasn't calling anymore and he didn't tell me why he's not emailing me either...but he talked to me..thats good at least he still comes to the phone when I call....I also talked to his g/f who i like alot. she seems very sweet even if she is jelous of his feelings for me...after all thats natural... he said he was thinking about moving to another state well all i could do was wish him luck.. and ask if he was hiding from me?? he said no.but I am starting to wonder....thats ok if it's in the cards it will happen if not I will find a prince to share my life with some day.....
Now to the subject I am sure everyone is wondering about..the b/f problem....well we talked today and after 5 days he came up with an excuse about the kiss my daughter supposably seen....now listeen to this one...they were shot-gunning a joint..mmmmmmmmmm hum.. like i can ask my child if this is what she seen...I don't do drugs on a regular basis and my children don't know what they r so I can not even go there i just told him that i didn't believe him. and even if it were true he had no fucking buisness being that close to another woman...... basically i have given in to helping him get his kids and letting them stay here until after visitation....but after visitation he will move out if shit don't change...no questions..now I know I am being a slight mat here but for children i'm a big push over....i love his kids and i just caan't break their hearts like that... it's not their fault that theyre father is a looser who can't love a woman....
so here i am giving in to what i don't believe in..this happens to the best of us i guess......I even turned down the chance to go meet my cowboy tonight....he's a handsome guy i met on line. a guy i've been dieing to meet for a couple months now.but the timing is wrong....i want to do things for the right reasons not get with another man for the sake of rebellion or because i want to keep from being alone.......I can't use a man like that.it's not right...he is toooo sweet to hurt or even take the chance of hurting.....
well any way I'm gonna close just wanted to enlighten the situation since it had been a couple days.....
sincerley the crazy woman....
jesilyn

sick and tired.....

2001-07-11             9:19 p.m.

hello again.......
life is still in the mystic age... the girls are fighting over crayons.the b/f still hasn't shown up....which is fine with me.... I've been feeling ill again.probably because I haven't eaten in days.let me refraze that I have eaten twice since last friday night....lol.....wanted to loose weight anyway.stress really makes that possible.....
I'm not gonna take up too much time with alot of jibberish....I just wanted to add an entry for today so when people look back they have things to understand me by.....
if he comes in tonight I will try to address it here...if not .....more bed room for me lol.........
****BIG SMILE***
I'm not gonna let any man make me feel like I need them....I want to b remembered as a self supporting individual who took care of her kids and didn't let nothing keep me down......
any way I'm gonna close for now.....see soon...
jesilyn

another dose of co-dependancy

2001-07-12             8:35 p.m.

well......here we are again...should I really tell u how i feel....
yah.i guess i should..he and I just went to counseling.yah this crazy bitch goes to counseling.I have been trying like hell to fix this relationship.u know give 120% that way if it fails it's not my fault.. all he wasn'ts to talk about is staying w/ me long enough to have his kids and the move out...
who cares how I feel or how bad it is hurting me....I know u would think I have a choice but my morals keep me from hurting the children that I love... anything for a child.thats me..I give up everything for a child's security.... I hate feeling used but that is what I am allowing to happen right now.....for the kids no other reason....I already know he is a big looser and that I'll do better when I'm over him and the hell he puts me through....
I am trying to take life in stride..look harder for my rainbow and push the hurt away..hide in my own world and maybe pretend that this ain't happening. after all right now I have no choice..it's a real mess . I don't think I am doing this in vain because of the kids..they need not suffer for something that is their father’s fault........
One day that man will look back and know what a mistake he has made...and when he looks for me i'll be gone...yep I know myself enough to know that I am leaving this state and all the pain it has caused....Get as far away from him as I can....
don't ask me where I'm going because right now I don't know...I would fall face first for a man who showed me attention, respect and affection.I'm very vornable right now ( HOWEVER U SPELL IT I KNOW WHAT I"M SAYING) In side I am dieing and yet I am trying to survive the best way I know how.... No I don't want just any man I have morals and there is a limit to what I'm looking for....I can't just take the first thing that comes along....... This is a fight inside myself..one that I will do my best to battle....
I know I am alone in this fight....I know that no one is gonna pick me up and dust me off...I know that I must find strength from inside myself...c- I'm not stupid I know what needs to be done...It's just finding the courage to rebuild again....
I refuse to let the bastard get the best of me......JESILYN STAND UP TALL FOCUS AND DON"T LET HIM GET THE BETTER OF U....
YEP THAT IS WHAT I'M TELLING MYSELF.... but, now I need to listen to my own speaches hold on tight to my dignaty until this is over....
with trust in a higher power...........
Jesilyn

7 kids...remodeling

2001-07-17             4:48 p.m.

HELLO STRANGERS...........
I'm sorry.. I have been so busy to write anything..
I let him come home and life here has been chaodic ever since.......I could not hurt his kids.I know they r suppose to b his responcibility but i love them too.....
so here I sit playing mommy to not only my 4 but his 3 too..7 kids I am a crazy woman....but hay, I wouldn't change things if I didn't have too..
Starla my oldest is on vacation.she is spending 10 days at a friend of my house..kid needed a break and whats a better way for her to get it...she hates his oldest daughter any way.so go figure.....
I am remodeling my house...painting, cleaning and rearranging everything.yippy.... its work but it is making me feel good...when ur house makes u happy...it helps w/ depression....I don't wanna just sit back and be a winer...have people asking if I want a little cheese with my wine.....I know that was a bad joke but I'm honost..If life sux......well change it..don't waller in filth clean the cobwebs out of the attic.... My attic is my brain...and when the cobwebs of depression and anger hit I clean it up.....
I am a fix it person.it's part of codependancy u feel the need to fix everything even when its out of ur control...like ronnie.I hope I will grow out of it.learn alittle healthy selfishness....thats what the counselor calls it....I call it dusting...
ok...I'm gonna go.have a wonderful day/night, write more soon
jesilyn

STEP KIDS WHERE DOES THE STRESS END!!!

2001-07-18             2:31 p.m.

STEP PARENTING EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyday a differant challenge especially when dealing with other peoples children.my b/f's oldest daughter is crossing my last nerve...no matter what I say to her she either has a smart ass comment or she flat T ignores me.now I know this child does not have a hearing problem.she just don't care....
she wants to sit and tattle, be lazy and talk back.if she ain't complaining then she ain't being chrystal....yep..life is a challenge everytime these kids come as if I'm not stressed enough and ronnie hell he's no help all he does is sit on his ass in his room with his nose in the tv.shit he don't care what they do just leave him alone...
As for me I am sweating like a dog feeling like a slave and about to loose my mind...TIME OUT JESI BREATH!!!! I am trying to take control back from the children of this house but it is difficult...
The more I work the more they mess...I know this is part of being a child I know this all to well but tired is more than the word means...
I am not about to let this place get the best of me....I will stay positive...I will keep trying....All I have to do is make it until the 29th and I'll have 3 less children and it may be alittle easier..
Then when he moves out maybe me and my kids can make a new start...It's gonna be difficult and I am going to have to learn to let go of men and my co-dependancy...but surely this ain't impossible...
There......I guess I have rambeled enough I FEEL BETTER I HAVE VENTED........ Now I think I'm gonna go play with my neopet ANGEL_24577 and relax....
have a lovely day/night
I know I'm gonna try to.haha...
jesilyn

ANOTHER NIGHT IN PARADISE YAH RIGHT>>

2001-07-19             1:37 a.m.

Another amazing day.......
fight fight fight..... yep the story of my life.if one kid ain't causing shit the other is..fun huh? never a dull moment.. chrys. his oldest attacked my son.he punched her in the face..u c my kids hav taken abuse from these kids for a while now esp. from crystal.. now paybacks r in order.... personally I wouldn't care if they all ganged up and wipped her ass........
i can't hardly stand the child any more.yes I love her but love and like r 2 differant things...lol I chose to love her but I can't force myself to like her right now....
Isn't that a horrable thing to say???? How can u feel this way about a child...but, shit....she is so hard to deal with and she's not mine so I have no control.....at all.. and rl hell he ain't worth shit... I finially put her in her dad’s room and shut the door.let him deal w/ it..I'm done....
about 10 more days thats it..now I can deal w/ this monster for 10 days.. surely it will get better right????/ please tell me it will....
My pc. and my drives is my only peace and quiet. My neo pet is my fun and at least she can't talk back too much..lol u know neo pets r relaxing and fun....I just wish i knew more things to do w/ her......
well any way I'm gonna check on angel and then go to bed c ya later...bye bye......
jesilyn

the surviver

2001-07-19             6:51 p.m.

I AM SURVIVING.......
Yes...I am.....lol, no really today hasn't been as bad matter of fact it's been quite good.. but, shhhhhhh don't tell these kids.....lol...i'm still counting down the days until the other kids leave but i am still hopeful that the situation with my darling step daughter will turn around.....
as for me and rl. well, we still aren't talking much.
but we aren't fighting for now either. and i infisixe 4 now.......
today i played with angel and took the time to go through the diaryring list... i noticed alot of interesting rings and placed the ones closest to me on mine.... some of them were hard disicissions but i think i made the right ones.i'm me and what the hell should i care if i'm accepted or not..lol..i'd rather b differant and comfortable with myself than be like the normal introverts who hide until they explode...
My life is interesting and I like extrodanary things... I don't think that makes me crazy....
well....... anyway I guess I'll close for now..
may the god’s b with u..always.....
jesilyn

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!

2001-07-19             11:10 p.m.

OK OK OK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!
I can't take any more.every time I turn aroung something else is happening...this child is really trying to kill me... She just got into it with my son..now she is lashing out at every body in the house makeing our lives miserable....I don't know if I can take much more I'm furious and locking most the rage inside...what I need is to get away and take a break...but as usual this is out of the question..yep..I have been sentanced to emotional death...by a 10 yr old child.... I'ts not my child and again he is not doing shit.but if it were mine he would bust her ass.....EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! RAGE!!!!
what the hell am I suppose to do??? any Ideas.... I know suck it up and deal with it right...damn it...
I'm tyred of this shit and I will move on as soon as I can... Life with children god's way of punishing me...Challenge after challange.....
She should feel luck that her age keeps me from dealing with her my way....I would lay a curse so tight it would bind her ass forever....but again I can't shes a kid....so again I'll deal with it....
Anyway I'm outta here....back to the hell of reality.....
jesilyn...

ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!

2001-07-20             3:25 p.m.

ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER CHALLANGE......
here we r two fully grown adults fighting because one of us (HIM) fails to act like a father..instead he chooses to try to burdon his family and torcher the rest of us. pretty childish huh.. he is trying to take off with his 3 kids for the weekend to quote un quote change their additudes.frankly I think he needs to crack the wip and use some disapline.take control... but this is r.l. we r talking about MR KNOW IT ALL MAN.........
I say that sarcasticly!!!!!!! If this were my kids he would b on them like stink on shit but his could commit murder and get away with it... my oldest left again today she can't stand this shit and frankly I think she is right.... I am allowing her to stay with family friends and be happy after all its summer and she needs to handel her emotions her way shes not hurting anyone and if i do anything special i pick her up.... no differant than summer camp except its right down the road...
I am just doing what I can to survive...love is there but patients ain't so here is where i stand for now....I'm sure I'll write more today so stay tuned.....
JESILYN

New Dog " MISSY LYN"

2001-07-21             5:33 a.m.

I GOT A NEW DOGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well.. we took a break from our house and our normal routine and took 6 kids fishing we just got home it's 5:30am and we had fun..I'm dead tired but excited about my new friend.....
her name is missy lyn she is a hunting dog.....we found her at the lake begging 4 food... I grew attached very quickly I hate people who dump animals....it is a cruel world.... anyway missy is full-grown and very friendly ..the kids adore her.....I wasn't sure if I'd ever want another dog after sabastian died about a month ago but she had something about her that said hay u'll love me.......
and I already do....
She is stinky and needs a tic-tac for her breath..lol.... but I'm gonna fix that..... she already ate 4 peices of chix. and drank water. now she is wagging her tail and enjoying herself....
even the cat and wiskers seem to be ok w/ her.. so I guess it was ment to be....
Ok....I know ur saying get over it u got a new dog.....but again I am just so happy with my new friend!!!!!!!!!!!
jesilyn

NOT A BAD DAY!!!!!

2001-07-21             11:36 p.m.

A NOT TO BAD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
we went to the lake.....I'm tired but pretty happy.... we took both side neighbors and all 7 kids....The only trouble we had was our ass hole neighbors the ones no one on the block likes happen to be there...now mind u these people are like the clampets off the beverly hill-billys..... except that they are less classy and harder to deal w/....they don't watch their kids and they don't care how they act...their house stinks and they are filthy...
well any way I had to force myself to stay calm and relax and over look the comments being said , like when they refered to me as shamo......u know a whale.. I know I might b 30 lbs over weight but I am not a whale...I am not happy about my weight and would love to b the goddest I know I was b4 I had kids but I have faced the facts I'm not 16 any more..
so FUCK THOSE DAMN ROBERTSONS after all Ronnie Robertson Is a huge man who surely scrunches his wife anyway........
Well....I'm not gonna focus on that any more it's over and I had a great time despite their shit......It was nice watching the kids play in the water and to c the stars and waves........
Star got to spend time w/ her b/f today...It was so sweet watching the tender puppy love..he adores her and is just so sweet......he put his arm around her and stroked her hair...never touching her in a wrong fashion not so much as a kiss but a tender look and a warm fuzzy feeling...I could tell she felt like a princess...and i like seeing her happy both those kids have been thru so much..my daughters father committed suicide three yrs ago and she deals w/ it in her own way..his mother walked out on him his sister and brother and dad two years ago. so they share a need.I hope they are helping each other to heal......
any way have a good night/day.
write again soon...
jesilyn

TIRED AND THINKING!!!!!!!

2001-07-23             11:51 p.m.

OH I"M TIRED!!!!
a mother’s wk is never done.. is it??? I finially finished the house I am expecting company tomorrow.....(HIS MOM) that means I want the house clean enough to eat off the floors so to speak....
I am very picky when his mom comes I want her to think we r better off than we r.. I know u r probably wondering why but It's one of my pet peves when people worry about me.I want to keep an image that says JESI IS FINE { WOMAN OF STEAL} !!!!!!!
Although I wked my ass off today I cut lawn did laundry for 9 people ( a weeks worth ) did dishes 3 xs swept floors dusted, folded clothes, vaccumed, cleaned bathroom, worked non-stop all day no joke when I say i'm exausted..and I'm still not done.still have 3 loads of clothes to finish.....
But , I can handel it...
all but 2 of the 7 kids r asleep, which makes it more peaceful around here not as much fighting...,yes the bickering is still going on but it's not as bad. If only these kids knew what chores ment.its not quite fair to make mine keep their schedual when he lets his go free.my kids will not b slaves so here I am doing my stuff and theirs too.even stars room....cause the other kids trash it and won't help so i feel obligated to clean it myself..... I know mom's playing push over but hay i love my kids and fair is fair.......
Any way other than my back feet and hands killing me I am in a pretty good mood... I was excited that all the diary rings that I signed up for has excepted me hopefully that means more visiters which means I will get to know more exciting people... By the way if any one ever wants to chat feel free to look me up on yahoo or msn......under blazing_angel_73 it’s the same on both...
Being a stay at home mom is most the time a lonely job. after all most conversations begin with " mom he/she is doing this or that" LOL.. I find myself missing the interlectual converastions that adult friends provide... but, with these 4 (sometimes 7) it is just too hard to go places or make friends.
I'm always afraid something will get broke or messed up so I sit at home alone..... That’s why my pc is so valuable to me......
well any way...theres only one thing left i have on my mind and I know it is out of reach and thats why I must write about it.... MY DARK PRINCE.... no I still haven't heard from him. he is trying to keep peace with his g/f...that don't keep me from thinking about him nor does it change my feelings for him.I will always love him and I know he feels the same way.it's been about 2 wks since I called him and he sounded good I could tell from the way he said that he was working on things there that he is very disappointed in the situation.
U c his g/f and him supposably had this open relationship well when she found out about me and his feelings she became cold and unwilling to work with things. forcing him to back away from me after all like he said they hav a child together and the baby is his world.not to mention he does love her too but he has said several times that his world is incomplete without me...which makes me know he will never b happy without me... But thats ok It is her choice..
I have tried to be her friend and she slams the door in my face..I don't know why she acts that way I'm not trying to steal him I was more than willing to share him... just was not willing to be more than a friend to her...which is probably the craziest thing I have ever felt in my life....but I am not gonna call love wrong.....
I can be a real bitch but I'm not a cold person..I can be a person’s best friend... I know she has a link to my diary so I know she will be able to read this and I hope that one day she will give me a chance... I have read her diary and I have sat and read where she constantly says she has no friends that no one is interested in her but I was I wanted to b a true friend. But any way I've done my part the rest is up to them.....and I will be ok no matter what they choose to do..I know what I am and what I can do for people so It is no loss for me......
Ok I'm outta here......I'll be back soon.....
have a good one.....
JESILYN

HERE WE R AGAIN!!!

2001-07-23             11:49 p.m.

WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN......
I have a few minuets of peace and quiet..the kids went some where for a few hrs and
I am all alone!!!!!!! YIPPY..... MOMMY TIME!!!! that's awful ain't it..nahhhhhhhh everyone needs time to breathe without their kids.. It has definately been a crazy week with 7 kids.. I never imagined I'd be like this I planned my 4 and had 4 now I am with a man who has 4 of his own even though amy is grown..
Speaking of HIM.... we are getting along right now and life is much less chaotic but he is still talking about his own place, which is perfectly fine with me.... I don't know what exactly my life has to offer me right now but on the up side I am very optimistic.... I will never give up on happieness .... I believe that if I will it it will happen eventually..... The gods and godesses are looking after me and I know it....
Today I have wked hard and it’s not over yet.I mowed our yard and that my dear was work..I have blisters all over my hands I am not use to manuel labor but I am not gonna rely on a man either..I will prove to him i don't need a man to take care of me... I have never been afraid of wk and as far as sex goes shit keep me in batteries and the hell with men.... I know that was cruel but if it's true then so b it right????
well......I'm gonna close for now I will probably write more later....
JESILYN

FORBIDDEN FANTASYS

2001-07-24             2:17 a.m.

A while back my dark prince asked me to write about what I wanted my first experiance with two men to be like I was sceptical about this but after thinking about it I decided to try and for all it's worth this is what I wrote...he said it was a good start but I still wonder what he really wanted to hear...any way feel free to send feed back.....
Forbidden fantasys
Like a panther in a cage, I am an animal begging for freedom. I am being held captive by what can only be described as emotional chains. Chains that society says is of the normal. Searching time and space I found my lifes destany . I sit staring into the eyes of the one the only one I know can free me. He is the one who anoints my soul. Offering passion and he holds the key and the ability to unleash the world wind that is inside me. I call him my dark prince.......
I find the life he offers so confusing, Because not only must I follow but, be willing to let go of every formal spiritual training I have long since excepted as my own. I must be willing to open my life and widen my imagination to new heights, all of which is new to me.I struggel, struggel with a choice that will ultimately change my life forever. I never dreamed I would ever crave such things again. Could I really accept this life again? I know it's what I've been craving but am I still the same person can I handel such things now?
This is my fantasy....... and with a simple move I can be living it in reality.During the day i await his words of solitude, the ones that light my fire and spark the passions that hide deep with in. He knows what I want and has what I need. I know that my safty will be important to him and I feel protected.My dark prince offers total freedom, freedom to choose what I want and what I do not. His eyes are mystical they put me in a trance as they have since the day we met so long ago. I know his hands are capible of their own expression and my body craves their touch. I know he is of open mind and with that I know that nothing is beyond me. Nothing is out of the question.
This in it's self intrigues me and sends my imagination flowing......
I find myself day dreaming about things that I know are not exceptable by the world around me, yet I can not walk away.
I am on the hunt for the happieness I had so long ago........
Some of the things that I see are breath taking and leave my heart pounding with burning desires. I know my prince is adventurous and
open to all interaction. Like I he is not content being normal although he is alot more ambitious than I ever thought about, more than I could ever concider.............
Sitting here I try to place my desires into words, words that I know most would find offensive but, still they are my own. Where to begin is over whelming, is there really a proper place to start? My imagination takes me to a life, a life of pure desire far from the normalitys of today’s society.......
I vision being lead by my prince to a darken room. Lit only by candel light. A singel red rose lies on a bed. The lenin fresh the smell of
lavender in the air. In the corner I see a shadow of a man I yet to see. My heart is racing but I am comfortable knowing I can trust.
This will be the first time, The first time I experiance the feel of two male bodys touching me at the same time. My eyes are opening to
what my prince has in mind for me...... My heart is racing and I am wet with passion.
with a singel look he tells me to trust him, In a wisper he vowels to protect. with his arms he lays me accrossed the bed and runs the rose accrossed my face and down my chest. My eyes show a burning desire I am ready for whatever he asks, and he knows it.
He begins to undress me. softly and gently he removes the garments from my body, leaving me in just flesh and a sheet for cover.
I see him look up it's now time for me to to see who is hiding in the darkness. I hold my breath for a moment. I think to my self is this real, should I pinch my self and see. No if it is just a dream I don't wanna wake up.
I can feel hands one by one caressing me. I can feel my body quiver, and the sinsations run wild. I can see as they touch each other and I watch with shene delight. slowly my prince slides lower
on me his hands running over my wettest of areas. as his partener
caresses my breasts. lowering and placing my right breast in his mouth. as my prince runs his toungue accrosed my clit i trembel.
My hands reach, and in one hand I take hold of the mistery mans
gentiles and with my other hand I run my fingers through my princes
hair. heaven awaits me.I am living my ultimate fantasy.
My prince slides back up and with ease slides his zipper down. in a very teasing fashion he begins to use his love muscel to circle my wetness not putting it in yet but making me ready, willing, and able to beg for more. The mistery man however moves forward as to position himself for the ultimate oral fedish. here I am with a love muscel ready to not only enter me in one place but two.Ready I am
ready to please both and watch as they please each other.
within moments My prince is well inside and I move vigerously
I can feel every ridge, every curve, and every throb. In my mouth my tongue circles the one inside. easing further down until I can feel him hit the back of my throat. I am sucking hard, hard as I can.
everyone moaning all enjoying what the experiance has to offer.
I feel as though I am about to explode when my dark prince motions to turn me over. at which time he positions himself behind me. I ease backwards because this is where I become the leader. slowly I allow him to enter the back opening in a way he can only do. I feel the pulse of his rod slow at first and gradually getting faster.plunging deeper with every thrust.
The mystery man slides down again positioning himself in a way to add pleasure to my fantasy. he is directly under me breathing warm air against my flesh as my prince is throbbing from behind. I am wet and wanting more.I bend over again taking the mystery into my mouth now I am getting three times the pleasure. I can also feel the prince’s hands embrase my breasts of course adding more excitement with every moment.
The fantasy has not yet reached its height when in a turn i watch as the two start to embrace each other. I have never seen such things although I am intregued by what I view.
I hadn't been sure that I would be able to handel this before but in a new light I know I am pleased with it......................
(in due time I maybe able to continue this but for starters here u go)
JESILYN
written for MWJ ( my dark prince )

HOT PASSION thoughts of my dark prince

2001-07-24             2:30 a.m.

This entry comes from a story I wrote my dark prince again awhile back..... It is full of passion and true emotions...even though I know i will probably never be able to forfill these desires they are real within my heart therefore I believe they belong right here.... read if u dare.....
here i sit infront of this screen at almost 3am thinking of you and the eyes that i see staring back at me. I do not know what this life is offering or which way my road shall lead but i so know the strength of my heart. Like school age children we still glare into each other with burning passions and longing thoughts. I am not sure why but for whatever reason life has allowed us to come together again.my fantasy begins:
I am dieing to touch your skin and be embraced in your arms. To feel the spark of fire and brim stone in your kiss and relive the things i so desparately miss.I am eager to feel you inside, in a way that i have not in too long. I dream of these moments and though only dreams i am forfilled for a moment in time.every hr i wait to see your face again is like an eturnaty.
I know that you are a man with many desires and i want to forfill your expectations as i always wanted before. I think about romance, candel light dinners , mind me i have learned to cook quite ellegantly. and then retire by candel light to a passionate evening that would start with a steaming shower us pressed against the wall embrassed and alone. without a thought of anything elsa except satasfying the cravings we have for each other. (just like it use to be 13 yrs ago)
I can imagine just what it would be like to begin by kissing your lips and moving down to your neck rubbing your chest and carressing the most intamate parts known to a human. I can see me sliding down ward and running my toung down your chest as my hair drapes and slides silkingly along its path. until i reach your extasy point where i would run my tounge down and circle the head. careful not to let it enter to much at this point i only want to tease but in time I begin to take in more and more until i am using the muscels in the back of my throut to pull every ounce of strength from your body.and just as you think you can not take any more i stop, why because i want you. oh how i want you......
you look in my eyes with passion i know i can see the fire that only you have. i know that look its the look that tells me i'm the one the one who knows exactly what u want and what u need, I am the one who can give you your hearts desire. You take me in your arms and together wet and hot you lead to the bedroom where the best is yet to come. I can imagine that you smother me with kisses not just pecks but passionate long wet throbbing kisses. You run your hand down my body carressing every inch. I can feel your breath on my skin as you work your way down.you are with me you want me and nothing in hell is gonna stop it. You are great and i want you i am uncontrolable as only you can do. yes i know your capibilities and i remain a panther wild and daring. But right before i can even think about extasy you stop why because u r now ready ready for what we've been dying for ready to do what feels so natural. I am wet , you are bulging, we are ready which way should we start oooooooo my where do we begin? our hearts racing tou clomb on tom you don't put it strait in noooooooooo, you tease. i could scream out put i won't you slide the head around ever so gentaly until with a notion you put it in, all the way in...........
You pull it out all the way out. oh i'm dieing i can feel the life leaving. I am speachless I am wanting craving and i am getting my just deserts. I feel you thrushing harder and faster every time you push. I am in paradise........ Your eyes and hold tell me you are toooooo. When in a long crashing thrust you let go, I let go, we let go at the same time. It’s an earth shattering experiance that we feel..................................
Then i wake up!!!!!!!!!!!! with only the feeling of satisfication, and a memory of the best dream of my life...............
So what do you think.... you have asked for my thoughts and i have yet to tell you.I do not know if i can speak so openly through a screen of a computer but i am a poet and know my words. I know what I want and I feel pulled to take it.........but I can not.I will not. just as you won't.......
we expect honosty from one another and these are my honost feelings pored out as i've never really put them before. After reading it i might think i have the capibilitys of a real writer. this just might be my best work of art yet. but, it’s a work of art for your eyes only, ment to give you pleasure and food for thought..........( so I decided to publish it why keep true love feelings a secrate when I can scream it to the world!!!!)
JESILYN
this was written for my dark prince MWJ

doing good...

2001-07-24             3:00 p.m.

Another amazing day....
the visit with the mother in law ( so to speak) went well..... and she took his kids home w/ her until friday YIPPY........ 4 me.... no not really but hay 3 less kids is alot..... It is hot and muggy today and I think all of us would kill to go swimming.... but we have so many apointments today.....star had counseling at 12 and we go at 5 and karin my five yr old is broke out w/ some rash the dr.. says its bug bites...poor kid itches real bad.
I think I will use what there is of this day to relax and enjoy peace and quiet I might even put kids to bed earley...if that is possible.....
Someone read my diary sometime after i got off line last night which is cool....they sent me an email about html and stuff but I don't know much.something about using a grid to clear up the bare spot in my diary..hopefully who ever it is will write back and I will learn how to fix... in the mean time bare w/ me.....I am sorry about the inconvience.....
I have baffeled enough I will close 4 now.......write more later..
Jesilyn

HTML SUX!!!!!!

2001-07-24             11:06 p.m.

HELLO PEOPLE HTML SUX!!!!!!!
Oh let me tell u about a special person I met today
they read my diary and made some suggestions about html...well as i have said b4 i am new at the whole pc thing so there i was messing in my html and messing up time after time....... well this person got on line and took over for me...yes i was sceptical about someone knowing my pass word but shit I was so fed up after i had to start my stuff over that I could not resist the help and guess what presto chango....here we r my site looks great....it still needs a link to my web site but hay I am over joyed..
I can c that I am going to meet alot of interesting people on the diary system.....and probably gain alot of knowledge....I want to thank my new friend again I sure hope that I can learn more about them......
as for what am i doing now ..... well I am trying to creat a new diary for a friend but for some reason it hasn't been as easy as creating mine.... maybe the site its self is having trouble i have noticed problems signing in and adding b4 so we shall c...remember where there is a will there is a way.....
JESILYN
p.s after an awful crazy time i did finially get her set up w/ a diary....yippy......

EXPLANATION ABOUT ENTRYS!!!!!!

2001-07-25             5:02 p.m.

Hello there It's me the crazy woman.lol.......
no I am just me....I'm not crazy or easy to understand but full of love.....a person with a past ( an interesting past at that)
been working hard to write my life story and make something that my children can use in the future to understand their mom.all this at the same time...I have been writing alot. it helps pass the time and definately helps to put life events in order..u know I have heard that getting older makes u forget things .there r many things i wanna remember....
if u r interested in my past feel free to look under older entrys I have archieved My life story....to try to keep things together.....
hope I am not confusing any one here.....and if I am well........... welcome to my world....the confusing life I live..... and please don't feel sad ..rejoice in my strength to survive and know that no matter where u r or what u do some where some one is going thru the same thing.....
JESILYN

a bit of self TLC

2001-07-26             4:35 a.m.

well here i am up late again....
will i ever get my nights and days straitened out...probably not as long as i have a pc to play with...the interesting people come out after 10pm my time...so here I am....
I just talked with a friend...well I want to b her friend but I don't know if she will ever except me as that featuring she is my dark princes girl friend....
I know what everyone thinks.but hay I don't hold grudges she is a sweet person and he loves her...so why not make a friend.....
OHHHH!!!!!! I'm gonna kill my cat...... he is climbing "DAMN IT GET DOWN!!!!!! ohhhhhhhhhhh lucky lee...u stupid cat.ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
well anyway I am beat dead tired I need to sleep...
the html thing kicked my ass all day yesterday and half the night so....sweet dreams to myself since i don't have anything to tell me that.....big hug for me and i'll tuck myself in...lol
I know that was funny laugh....postitive views....
anyway bye 4 now...
jesilyn

LOOK GOOD FEEL GOOD!!!

2001-07-26             7:03 p.m.

Have u ever heard the old saying that if u wake up in a bad mood all u have to do is dress up and it will brighten ur additude........WELL IT WORKS!!!! look good feel good!!!!
I woke up this morning feeling really really gloomy...My self image was poor. all I could do is frown when I looked in the mirror...SOOOOOOOO, I decided to save my day...alter my appearance with some make up and dress in jeans and my favorite red shirt, I fix my hair in a cute kiddie fashion u know with those little clips and twists.lol Now I feel great!!!!!!
I know that there is alot of emotional support missing in my life and I have to work extra hard to feel good about myself.. but, then again this has been a life struggel...I try to keep a positive view even when I feel like crap... which is quite often I must admit..
I want to be the happy little woman with the perfect figure and happy happy additude....the type that everyone loves and I wanna susceed in a great career.be able to take the dream vacations and feel great all the time BUT, this isn't the life style I have been blessed with....One day though I will have a better life.I will find MR. PERFECT and I will have the support that I have been seeking all my life.... until then I will dream of these things and use my skills to improve my life to the best of my ability....
After all I have friends who love me and children who adore me....And for what its worth I am happy.......
so if that is bad........hell...with it......
IT’S MY LIFE!!!!!! IT"S NOW OR NEVER!!! I AIN"T GONNA LIVE 4-EVER!!!!

learn to say no

2001-07-27             1:42 p.m.

HOW DO U SAY NO WHEN IT MAKES U FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!!
( let's make a life issue here and work through a problem)
Have u ever found it difficult to say no especially when It's to someone u love so much??? When it is going to really upset that person, and make u feel guilty.....
This is what I am facing here in my life...I love my boyfriend but, I know that he isn't good for me..he offers no support and always wants something from me...I need to learn to say no........ A lesson in healthy selfishness....
its like his alcoholism.....I don't have the money to keep giving and it is not healthy 4 him anyway....but if I say no then he will face with draws and I will live his pain, causing guilty feelings..u c it's not easy to say no.....
this is a lesson I need to leaRN AND FAST.......BUT HOW.....I'M SURE i WILL WK IT OUT EVENTUALLY UNTIL THEN LETS FACE IT I AM HOOKED IN A BAD ROUTINE...LOL.........
jesilyn

PLAIN SEX VERSES MAKING LOVE!!!!

2001-07-27             8:05 p.m.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE WONDERFUL SUBJECT OF SEX
I am not about to talk about sex in a sluggish, unmoral fashion so, If u are looking for that look else where. I want to talk about the emotional bond that a sexual relationship creats and what happens to a person when these needs continue to go unmet.
OK.... so I am beating around the bush, partially because I am faced with a very stressful situation.
It's been almost nine months since I have had romantic contact with my boyfriend... I know b4 u say anything please listen.... It is not from lack of desire on my part because I have tried everything candel light, sexy outfits, incents, purfume, all sorts of sexual contact and still he has no interest when it comes to satisfying my needs....
I know what u'd say get rid of him right??? that's what everyone says....find some one else.but I can't....
Comming from an abused back ground has taught me that there is more to sex than just the act of doing it.. There needs to be meaning and security in order for the romance to be involved....
For years I had sexual abusive relationships... Weather my body was violated by force or violated
through manipulation it was still abuse.... I have never had a problem finding a partner nor satisfying one...
This is the first time.....so I am having mulitple emotional problems due to the situation.... If I cheat then I would feel like a slut and by doing without I feel neglected...
There are plenty of men who find me attractive and I know on a personal level that I am at the least pretty in the face.......
So what is his problem, some say it is all the pain from his marriage that created the lack of sexual need... some say that it was the three years that he was inactive.... he had gotten use to satisfying himself so he doesn't feel the desires....
What am I going to do about it... well I guess I will continue to deal until something changes......
I do not think I'll cheat but somewhere something will break...
as for the moral behind this entry......
Remember that making love is much differant than just having sex... Be conciderate of the others feelings.... and aware of ur own as well.
with that I'll close....
JESILYN

self examination-writing my past.....

2001-07-28             1:24 a.m.

Do you know what it's like to write your life story?
Do you know how enotional that can be on a person..
then as you reread it you tend to remember other things you had forgotten...
But still I believe there is a self theropy in all this . surely some one out there will read my journel and realize that they are not alone. maybe they will realize that they are among the normal people , or maybe they will think to themselfs that
life is worth living because others are able to move on...whatever this does for the readers i hope that it's good..
I don't search for pity, I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on.I am a person whose main goal is to help others believe in them selves...I want to help others find strength in theirself as I have and if I meet someone along the way who can help me then great I can use the support as much as the next person...
Today I felt depressed but I was not about to let this continue so i started writing and I wrote until I felt better.. I did some real soul searching and I realized that hay nothing is as bad as it seems...
I dusted myself off and put on my smile and made the best of things . I'm proud of myself.I didn't let the world keep me down.....GOOD JOB JESILYN GOOD JOB!!! yes I am taking time out to pat myself on the back.....and so should the rest of u.....go ahead and pat urself too.think of onething that makes u feel good.onething that u do great and use that to build on..That’s what I do....
please remember that I have archeived my life story in the older entrys and will continue to update it as I can so watch both places...
JESILYN

divorce and children

2001-07-29             1:02 a.m.

It's finially time to take kids home!!!!! YIPPY!!!!!!
ok there thats outta my system.....in the morning we leave to take his kids home.I'll get to c my sister again and I'm excited...
I wanna thank all the people who have left me messages because u are my support..please notice the links that I have added here and check out the sites that they go to...I hope that we can all gain strength from these things...
As for my day well....I gave it my all.... I got to go grocery shopping (FUNFUN) and then I got to clean mess from putting grocerys away...expecially the mustard that was spilled in the van by his daughter.lol
This morning I didn't have time to write and I had such great topics to share.now here I sit dumb founded and trying to remember what I was thinking.I call these times a brain fart...lmao...
well hell with it I guess its as good of time as any to touch on the subject of children and divorce...yep one of my pet peves...
1st because I was the project of a broken home and second because I have been divorced three times... and I have children that live lives in broken homes..
Do people ever think about the damage that fighting is doing to the children. after all we divorce our mates not our kids.and those parents who are so consumed by the child support that they never even worry about the emotional support that these kids need...
Personally I do not have a child support order on any of my kids fathers.before ur mouth hits the ground let me tell u why.... My mom raised me for 7 years without the financial support from my dad..
she did the best she could..I didn't miss the expensive gifts.... I didn't need the money as much as the love I missed out on.what I would have loved was for my parents to tuck me in, spend time with me and above all show me love... for 8 years my father was outta my life and to this day there is a void...
we can never relive the past and I don't wanna but I resent him for what he did....
My children miss their fathers too. it kills me that dylan worships his dad and his dad does nothing for him..not even a care for his birthday or other holidays... He might call once or twice a year, starla's father is dead, by his own hand..this in it's self is torcher for her...lord only knows who that child blames.....karin and ellie c their dad but everytime he trys to start a fight with me and shows his ass infront of the kids....
I personally want to keep a friendship, these kids need me and they need their fathers too...not just to provide them life but to make them psycologically healthy...
I always tell my children that their father loves them and when I have the money I buy them stuff and say it’s from their dads I do not like seeing my kids hurt....
I wish that more people felt this way....
Please for ur childrens sake go over kiss them, hug them and remind them that u love them......do this because u want to make them strong loving individuals....
have a good one now....
bye bye
jesilyn

Stupid JESILYN messes up html...again!!!!!

2001-07-30             5:14 p.m.

SHIT!!!!!!!!
I REALLY MESSED UP>>>>NOW I AM PISSED>I WAS HELPING A FRIEND CREAT A DIARY WHEN I CHANGED MY TEMPLATE AND LOST EVERYTHING I HAD>AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I AM GONNA GO CRAZY NOW WHY DIDN"T I SAVE MT HTML SO I WOULD HAVE IT INCASE SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED I HOPE MY NEW FRIEND WILL HELP ME FIX IT BACK I LOVED MY PINK....... I AM SO UPSET WITH MY SELF.....
STUPID STUPID ME!!!! DAMN......
WELL>>>>>>BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD>>>>>>>HOPE TO HAVE FIXED BY TONIGHT>>>>>>>
BARE WITH ME GUYS!!!!
jesilyn

1/2 WAY FIXED HTML...

2001-07-30             8:46 p.m.

1/2 WAY DONE FIXING MESS UP........
Well here I am hrs later I almost have the site fixed... I just hope that my friend will redo my pink area that I use to have....I'm still upset at my self for messing up like this..Now I feel guilty because the person wked hard to fix it b4... All I need to do is readd my notify list everything else can stay the same I guess.... I don't wanna seem too much like a bother....
any way I'm gonna get back to work then take some time out to visit my pet.....i have been neglecting her lately bad bad mommy.....
JESILYN

pathway to peace

2001-07-30             10:57 p.m.

bluer skys they lie ahead.
My inner child must be fed.
I've lived through worse than this before.
My heart has mended where it's been tore.
I seek to change the life I live.
I have the knowledge and a will to give.
What holds me back is fear and greif.
never knowing when I'll susceed.
Even down I have a the will.
I will not be satisfied standing still.
I'm peering through a tunnel dark.
My only light is a tiny spark.
I'll hold the spark and walk the path.
in hopes I'll reach my peace at last.
So watch my progress although it’s slow..
I'm reaching my destanation, I know....
by jesilyn

numbness

2001-07-31             9:09 p.m.

Hello there,
I have no kids but nothing to do either..Guess u can say I'm alittle on the bored side....I been downloading cd's all day onto my media player that way if i do have a good party I will have never ending music...
I did my nails again (of course I painted them black)
any other color just wouldn't b me...lol...
I spend alot of time day dreaming these days drifting off in the music of my own mind..lol...
I guess it eases the pain and sorrow along with my fears.I don't wanna jump any more so I spend alot of time thinking about what lies ahead in my future.trying to predict what my actions will creat..
I hate all the hurry up and wait shit.....u go to the store rush around and then wait in line for 20 minuets....yep thats my luck, but, I take it in stride..lol.......
I actually woke up b4 noon today but guess what? I forced myself back to bed., I thought , wel....... I can get up but why no one is home and house is clean so why bother..right??? who am I hurting.I am saving my self a few hrs of boredom.....that solved that.i just slept my day away, like always.......
JESILYN<---- needs a life.......full of excitement... not ness. partys but fun.... and above all I need to quit letting myself be a hermit... life is too short and I do believe I am waisting mine by sitting at home alone all the time..
OH WELL....... I'll figure it out later for now I will just say good bye and have a good one......
JESILYN

MY DREAM!!!!!!

2001-07-31             11:37 p.m.

ISN'T LIFE AMAZING!!!!!!!
As I sit here this evening I find my self dreaming....dreaming about what I want outta life dreaming about what it would be like if I could have even a fraction of happieness. Sure I am somewhat content, but at the same time I know I deserve better....
I long for romance and I long for security.I want to be held close and made to feel special.I am dying to enjoy life and have to be able to focus on other things in life than bills and society..
People in this world fight everyday to get everything they can when all I want is a family. A family that will except me for me and not turn me down when i need emotional support.
I want a man in my life that will make me feel like I am the best thing on earth. I want to know that he needs me and loves me unconditionally. I'm not seeking perfection just pure uncorrupted love. I am hoping that I will find that special man who can take away my fears with a touch of his hand. Remove my pain with just a kiss from his lips. A man who when he holds me in his arms I know serurity.
My home need not be from the better homes and gardens book..but comfortable. Pretty plants, pictures on walls. clean without bugs. and away from the gettos that I have been forced to call home..
I want to be respected in my community. but excepted for who I am not what this world wants me to be.
I have dreams about my children growing up. susceeding and making familys of their own. family get togethers and adventurous vacations...
these r my dreams, my desires. the way I really want my future to be.. will it happen??? I don't know.. BUT< I do know that i am trying my damndest in hopes that I will get as close to this dream as possible.
AFTER ALL I'M A SURVIVER!!!!!
JESILYN

bills bills bills!!!!

2001-08-01             5:32 p.m.

BEING AN ADULT SUX!!!
BILLS BILLS BILLS...... never enough money to pay.oh wellll...... what can u do grin and bare it..
I woke up this morning and the electric was turned off..thank god it was pay day.lol... any way It's back on now. the phone is paid the electric paid and the internet paid. friday i will pay the insurance the storage and my bill at the store.then i'll b broke again.
I did how ever find one hell of a sale today i got the babys 4 out fits a peice and the boy 3 shirts for only 26$ ...yep I"M GOOD!!!! I'm proud of myself..
I cursed out the bank withdrew all my money and told them to kiss my ass....they pisssed me off needless to say so I will carry my buisness elsewhere.thats how I work.I tell them how it is and if they don't like it I leave.....after all its their loss.......
I think I looked cute with my black nails black hair and black clothes looking at them down my nose...yep I got class and intellegence and I use it to my advantage....
well any way the kids r home and i have A APT AT 6 SO I WILL CATCH U LATER......
BYE BYE
jesilyn

MUSHY MOMENTS!!!!AND DESIRES!!!!!

2001-08-01             11:32 p.m.

Sensitive subject here but never the less I feel a need to write..
I just walked in on the old man taking a bath..u know even after all we've been thru and all the times of him denying me....I am still having those feelings...u know the ones that scream I WANT U!!!
What I wouldn't do if he would change..I still find him extreamly handsom and believe him to b a good man....under all the chaos and pain lies a man capible of romantic tendacys...
Confusion fills my head and I find myself longing to feel his arms around me and his soft lips upon mine...at one time we made magic he and I. I was glorified in his arms...I have asked many times why as I look twords the stars.....but never do I recieve an answer.
People tell me I am now seeing the real man.instead of the love struck fool I fell in love with.....but, somewhere inside the hollow exsistance I know the person I met learks...
at almost 40 (13 yrs older than I) he is still good looking.with a slim patete body..his skin soft his hair long and silky.his voice tender even in rage...
I fear my feelings because i know that if I try I am only setting myself up for heart ache again...but, I want, I need, I desire him.....his touch his attention his affection...
I guess I will eventually learn to let go just as I have had to do in the past...but, will I forever crave his closeness....I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!
JESILYN

HTML.....I LEARNED!!!!!!

2001-08-03             12:29 a.m.

WOW WHAT A DAY!!!!!!!
I did it I have finially concured HTML.... I spent most my day creating web sites at angel fire I am just soooooo! tickeled..I found a way to add music Please check out all my buttons here on my diary!!! every one of them r links to differant personal aspects of my life.including a dedication I had made a web page for my dark prince months ago well it was our secrate since the geo citys wouldn't let anyone access it. any way I managed to put it on angelfire along with a midi what he had dedicated to me...
I'm rambeling ain't I????? Oh well at least I'm happy right....that's what I'm looking at here....
so please check out everything.....
I CAN BE TAUGHT!!!!! WELL SHOULD I SAY I CAN TEACH MYSELF!!!!
ANYWAY,HELL WITH ANYTHING ELSE.
I'm ready to go play some more.........
JESILYN

computer life can drain u quick!!!

2001-08-03             10:57 p.m.

Hi Poeples:
lol, Life here has been tiresome today.....I need to quit staying up so late....this computer addiction is kicking my ass... But I am teaching myself all kinds of interesting things. even though it's draining me...
I have developed some really cool sites but I still wanna do some more changes.....I'll learn HAHA!!!!!
The kids r almost ready for school, and I must say so am i...a little r and r would suit me fine.I miss being home alone...
As for that man.he has with drawn again into his little shell..I could care less really....I pretty much wish he would move on and get it over with.but, I guess he is gonna drag it out.......oh well so much for wishful thinking..
any way I am drained and ready to settle for the night....maybe I will refresh and be able to write again tomorrow....
LATER!!!!!!
jesilyn

WHAT A DAY!!!

2001-08-05             10:57 p.m.

OH WHAT A DAY!!!!!
I just spent 2 hrs trying to log in so I can update.I'm not quite sure why but it was like this yesterday to...and I never did get to write....
I have been neglecting my diary because I have been building my home page and all its links.....
I love attention and what a better way to get it than to provide links about myself...
ok I guess attention should be the topic of this evening....since I lack it..no I'm not wining.I have been staying busy and occupying my time.lol so what if I spend countles hours on line and I find myself seeing double before I quite writing...At least I'm not bored...
I keep hoping that I will make some new friends and..meet more people what are like me....
My kids are growing up so fast my 11 yr old had me make her web site homepage and diary today she is calling it migetmars...yep she's a good kid......head strong and attention seeking just like mom..but a good kid just the same...
has any one ever told u that co-dependancy is passed down for generations....I know this all to well.my mom was codependant..I'm codependant and my children show signs of co-dependancy tooo......
Is this really a bad thing???? yea maybe sometimes it is..but when u get the attention it feels so goooooooood!!!!!!!
Oh well I'm still optimistic that my prince will come sweep me off my feet some day.......(not ness. my dark prince but, a prince)
OK enough!! enough!!! IT"S TIME I DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN PC STUFF!!!!!!!
bye for now!!!!!!
JESILYN

DEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!!!!

2001-08-06             7:04 p.m.

Every day that passes I figure that the desires will faid twords the love I miss so desparately....But, instead I find that they are still lingering inside my mind...everyday I hope to again catch a glimpse of my dark prince...He is hiding from me I know he is.just a touch of a key away and I figure he learks watching what I write and hiding to save the feelings of his girlfriend..
But, I know from personal experiance that hiding those feelings will just put them away for awhile..eventually they will surface and bug you until you react....
Any way there isn't much I can do except wait and wonder what he is thinking..in the mean time I will continue to write the fantasys as I live them in my mind..... I think they are interesting..u might too...lol.......
I been watching her diary too for anything that happens in their life...I am becoming quite a fan of hers.maybe its an obsession... but her words sometimes leave me feeling closer to him then I normally do...she writes about the baby and their life.I wish she would be a friend but, thats a differant subject...also not my choice and definately beyond my control......
any way I will close for now....more inspiration may come later....maybe a new story......***SMILES***
jesilyn

comparitive parenting

2001-08-07             1:40 a.m.

It has sure been a long night..yep since I wrote i went out and cut the grass not to forget i have a big yard and the mower kept stalling....I went to the store twice and drove the mower back to my x husband who so nicely took all four kids...yippy I get another break...I had to say that....
Lately the kids have spent more time arguing than anything, and refusing to do chores until I threaten to beat them ( which they know I won't do) but that's how they know I mean buisness ... especially when full names are used...lol.....
I remember those days when mom yelled jessica lynn tolson...I knew I better shut my trap and do as I was told or else get my ass tanned.....I sit and laugh about it now cause I'm older and can't get my ass wipped any more.....thats the great thing about being an adult..
but of course now a days the goverment tells most parents how to raise their kids...Don't wip them or u might bruise their little self esteams, yah buddy.... but when little joey ends up going to school with a gun and blows the student body to shreds the world says where were the parents.....they were probably sitting with their thumbs up there asses foome psychologist who told them hitting was wrong and all the other stupid things they say now.....
if u dis obey the cops do u think they will take u're shit hell no they mase u, beat u and lock u're ass up..thats that our children are facing.....why because as parents we let the children services rule our lives... everything is a form of child abuse these days.
now by all means I'm not saying beat the hell out of u're kids I am just saying if they need a busted ass than do it.don't wait....I would have rather of had my ass busted and learned earley than gotten away with murder and ended up in jail...thank goodness some one cared enough to stop me then....
personally I wish things were back the way they were in the 40-50 when parents had control.....thats when wemon stayed home raised their children, and men took care of their familys..less divorce, less abuse, less poverty.... less teen pregnacys....parents had control...
ok I'm rambeling but, at least I got that outta my system now I must turn and enter the real world again and deal with what society dishes out....
u'll have a good day and think about it really hard....how can we as parents change the way the goverment works...
jesilyn

insomnia again...

2001-08-07             4:24 a.m.

Oh goodness, here it is 4am and by some weird reason as exausted as I am I am still awake..
I have tried everything to make my self tired.I cleaned the kitchen cabnets, rearranged the can good shelf I scrubbed the floors, did stars dishes since she is at her x step dads.. I folded 3 loads of clothes and cleaned the living room from ceiling to floor, rearranged my desk...even wiped the walls..... now after everything else i did today u would think this crazy woman could sleep but, NOOOOO!!!!!!!! I am back on the computer clicking the key board.this insomnia is for the birds....
I really have to get my schedual strait...these kids r depending on me to make sure they get to school on time.and how can I when i can't sleep at night...huh..any one know that answer???? lol..yah right...
I know tomorrow is shopping day.grocery stores, coupons, and tired feet..mmmmmmmmmmm hum....
big fun!! Not!!!!! I love to shop for anything but food..... so I go only once a month for all the basics...meat, can goods box goods then all i need later is bread, milk eggs u know stuff that never lasts...
I hope to get the kids bedrooms done tomorrow I might even rip the carpet outta stars room.if I decide to tear it completely down...not to mention finish my yard....yippy then I will b done.until the little critters get home and tear everything back up.... mother hood with 4 kids is a never ending job especially when u are raising them by urself......even though I have rl. I know I am on my own...He never helps...
Ok...I might be able to sleep now......i will write more later
c-ya,
JESILYN

dream walker!!!!!

2001-08-07             11:36 p.m.

Like a cool autum breeze his memory floats through my dreams, bringing with it cold chills...The plot never the same but the person can not be mistaken....
Always dressed in the same black clothing, hair long dark,strait and hanging over his shoulder.His personallity always charming and romantic.just as he was years ago...I am at his mercy, ready to pertake in what ever adventure he has to offer.
I know his face, it is that of a love I lost many years ago,due to a decieving party. Like a theif in the night our lives were stolen from us. now we live seperate lives.unable to touch.Bound by the chains of change.
In my heart is a locked door and he alone holds the key. He once adventured into that room, making the atmostphere bright again but just as quickly as he entered he left, leaving only a empty void and a feeling of loss.
His reason? simple....FEAR, fear of loosing his new family even though he longed to have me near. She has made it clear that I am an obstical, she fears my very existance from what he has told me. She fears that I will steal him away, but what she don't know is he gave me a choice and I refused to make that discission for him to leave there and join me.I could have I chose to let nature run it's course....
I now feel regret for this discission.
Personally I can't understand why she feels threatened.maybe cause I know my own self..but, then what part of a broken heart is understandable.. all I can do is enjoy the fantasys.and keep a spark just incase he returns looking for the light again.
love is pure, love is unconditional, and love is always,
JESILYN!!!!!

BROKEN HOME BROKEN DREAMS!!!!

2001-08-08             3:54 a.m.

rant and rage session
my father is on line..he won't talk to me.i feel like a mushroom.he so kindly remarks that he and my step mom r about to split.hum that means she will also b a singel mom....oh well.what can I say...he wasn't there 4 me neither.... I just had such high hopes for my sis and bro' sake that they would be ok. raised by 2 loving parents and so on big dreams gone sour...
ok I'm done....
no i not.
hay people think of ur kids when u have them don't make them be products of broken homes if things can b fixed.it sux......
I know I lived it my whole life..
there I feel better.
JESILYN

returning the blam to the owner!!!

2001-08-08             3:08 p.m.

The last entry was written in the middle of a battle email fight between me and my dad...even though contact with him is probably senceless it is like this he is still my father and I will always love him.but this time he has finially broken the camels back..any way I decided to publish a copy of the emails in here not only so people will c what I am dealing with but also to help release the ghost that haunts my attic. I know that keeping things inside is not healthy and a friend of mine just said it ever so clear..jesi tell him the truth will set him free.....well I know my dad so instead I am telling the truth in here and setting myself free.......NO MORE CHAINS!!!!!!!!
(here it goes the conversation..remember these werte emails)
(dad says)well financially things are great but my relationship with tra i think is on its last legs.i may be out of here before long.there is just no chemistry there any more
(jesi says)what is going on..u hav been together for so long....
if ur still on come to yahoo....
(dad says) i am sorry i am on but i am not in the mood to talk to no one,i am on here to get my mind off things,we can talk later if you want but not tonite
(Jesi says)well fine then....I was just trying to figure out what
is going on, what ur plans are and where u think u
might go..... after all u r my father and I do wonder
about ur existance..sorry if i seem pushy but hell
when I sit and c u and tra falling apart I tend to
wonder why.....after all it has been what 13-14
years..I don't know?????? mind ur own buisness jesilyn...
all I know is that I never catch u on line I only know
if u r dead or alive bcause u send jokes...
tra never talks to me....never mind forget it
hope u feel better soon....I love you
(dad says)sis,things between tra and i are not good right now and i have not been talking to no one,not even her,i havn't even spoken to her in almost 2 days and we work together,she is in bed right now and i am not because i refuse to even sleep with her,so you see there is too much going on for me to even begin to go online much,just try to understand
(jesi says)look daddy I understand to well.... what the hell do u
think i'm still awake for..I stay up all night to stay
away from ronnie... he sleeps nights and I days..so we
don't touch.any time we r both awake we r seperate.him
in his tv me in my pc.depression over welms u I
understand that....and lord knows what all the kids in
the middle think about it.either way it sux.
It’s even worse when u have no one to turn to..no one
who cares...i want u to know that damn it I care.....u
can turn ur back on everyone and trap urself in it
thats fine...but I know at 28 that it's not healthy..
after all if u can't turn to family then why have them
at all....god I hope I learn how to break this dirty
cycle before my kids learn to push family away..
I am not putting u down, I just feel alittle on the
abandoned side and needless to say it's times like
this I wish mom was still around.
u know tra always thought I was jelouse, but I
wasn't..I never wanted those kids to feel the heart
ache of being alone.wondering why the powers that b
dished them a fucked up life... I wanted them to grow
up with all the comforts that I never had... a
family......
so It hurts to know that it's falling apart... and
that I am not allowed to b apart...
I don't wanna wait to c them until they r 25 like i
did christy....u are probably pissed at me by now.and maybe u have a
right to b...but if I learned one thing from u it was
to speak ur mind and right now my mind is feeling
pretty god damn crazy...Not to say ur's aint...
I could have talked about anything.I too was trying to
take my mind off my life...pc land seems much nicer
than real life these days.at least some one pays
attention...anyway I will close for gods sake keep me
informed......I hate feeling like a mushroom all the
time......love u,
(dad says) look jesi,it is like this,i keep you at arms distance away because of the trust factor.you tried to destroy me once and i can't forget it.the bottom line is i don't trust you any more.i am sorry but you did it,and for self preservation,i have to keep my distance from you ,sorry but that is the way it is.things can never be the same,so life goes on.
(Jesi says) Ok u opened these doors not me so I will speak my mind and then be gone... U claim that I tried to wreck u're life..hum.....(I think to myself) I tried to wreck ur life..First of all I didn't ask to be brought into this world..second of all u were a grown man who left me as a young child and for years I didn't know where u were, second it was you who came and went until one day I followed u're lead and moved in w/ u in hopes to better my life...It was u who turned a 12 yr old to drugs, and allowed me to play like I was an adult.. It was you who thought that doing the other things were ok. it was because u weren't capible of being a parent to me that I quit school.after all every time I would start a school u moved me.. It was you that thought that marring off a 14 year old child was some how logical.. It was you that turned your back in fear that I would tell again all the crazy stupid things u did to me in the name of satanism...so......don't u dare say that I tried to ruin ur life because you had your own life ruined from the start.. I have tried to put the past behind me, remember that u are my father and u gave me life..but, for some reasson u feel it nessacary to push me off..that is perfectly fine.I don't need a father like that any way.... Just remember that I tried for years to rebuild this part of my family. and by all means I don't trust u either but, I still have made an effort to be a part of u're life.....I don't think that I should continue to hurt my self hopeing that u will ever change... As far as u and tracey goes.I hope for nikki and jamies sake you have learned to b a dad..and not walk away from them.. Please don't respond to my letter..for I have nothing else to say to u about it ..I am finished trying....have a nice life and by all means..don't send the jokes I delete most of them anyway....... I am not about to lower myself and go back to blaming myself I learned.thats what counseling has done for me..I was a kid and adults were in control.. there my peace is said, again have a good one I hope u fix your life...
Glad to get that outta my system
JESILYN
P.S. SURVIVING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

GRADITUDE ( the hard way )

2001-08-08             10:17 p.m.

u know earlier today I felt really anger but now I feel much better now.matter of fact I feel greatful.
My head has been full of so much confusion lately and I have failed to realize just how much I have going for me..
I should be greatful that I have a home, lots of good food...and my children even when they appear to be a handful...... I hav friends to love me and I have my health atleast for now.....
so for today I decided to feel good.enjoy going shopping spending time w/ my family.... and appreciate the life that I have been given....hard times and alllllll!!!!!!!!!!!
hav a good one
JESILYN

Stop and smell the roses

2001-08-09             5:46 p.m.

In the breif momentum that we call life we as humans seldom take the time to stop an listen, look around, and enjoy what life has to offer.
Yes we are to busy running around , trying to finish chores, work and raise our children in this time consuming era.
I often think of all the friends I am missing, the walks that I should be taking. the songs that I should he hearing.
Often I look but do I really see what is before me......or do I miss my what's there completely..
I listen but, do I hear the music in full volume...
yes...life is amazing and wonders never cease.
I am trying to teach myself to be more open to the oppertunitys in front of my face...
Life is much to short to miss a daisy in a field..or the rainbow that shows it's self after a summer rain....
Today I feel adventurous.I wanna do it all.I wanna feel it all good and bad, happy and sad.... I want to know that I can susceed and that I can do it on my own...
oh well... It feels good anyway!!!!!
JESILYN

imagination and fantasy land

2001-08-09             7:28 p.m.

Have you ever found yourself lost and consumed while watching a movie.... Have you ever sat with your heart pounding and imagining that you are one of the charecters.....
Certain movies I watch make me feel this way. I love fantasy movies that are full of magic and romance..movies like merlin where I wanna be queen mabe the dark queen full of magic and power..., or like ever after where I wanna be the cynder girl played by Drew Barrymore who happens to have the spunk for life the kind I wanna have.
I love the ones where the the wemon with hard lives are met and carried away from their problems by a prince... Wow would it not be nice to live such magic in real life...I think so...
Maybe thats why I feel pulled to write about my dark prince.maybe in my heart and soul I am hoping that one day I too will be swept off my feet and made queen of a special mans life....
Not rich just full of love and romance... the castel not a manson but a home made with my dreams of a family in mind...
exceptance for my choices, an honor minded individual who believes that I hung the moon and A man that makes me feel like he is the stars.....
Isn't fantasy life grand...it actually gives you an outlet..... even if you are living in your own imagination....
JESILYN

Crazy Logic

2001-08-09             10:49 p.m

have u ever seen something comming, glad in a way that it's happening yet, at the same time it hurts like hell!!!! That’s where I stand right now..the guy that I live with and I haven't had a relationship in almost a year..... basicly we live in the same house but aren't together like a normal couple.sure he wks and we both pay the bills I more than he , and I play a womans roll and clean and coook..We even sleep in the same bed alot of the time but never touch....
lately he has been spending an awful lot of time w/ the neighbor woman.yes the same one my daughter caught him with about a month ago kissing, or as he says she was giving him a shot gun.. they both act like nothing is going on.but I know in my gut that this is not true..
I try to smile and let it go, knowing that eventually my ship will come in and I can leave all this behind.
But still in my heart locked away is a woman still very much in love and wishing he would change.even though I know this is not rational thinking.
I am a romantic, a woman who thrives on being loved carressed and made to feel special...he is a user, he only wants what makes him happy..and I do so much for him why should he treat me like a queen...I'm being used some say.I prefer to think that I am beyond a shadow of a doubt giving 110%
No I am not gonna let his behavior effect my thinking to the point that I land face down rock bottom....but, Atleast I am aware of my situation.isn't that the first step in solving a problem...reconision?????? (how ever it's spelled)
any way I just wanted to touch basis on that b4 I go to sleep.... maybe a prince will come in my dreams and carry me off to a magical, romantic world and make passionate love to me....uh huh right jesi wishful thinking.but the whole thing is fun while it lasts.....
JESILYN

NEVER SAY GOODBYE!!!

2001-08-10             9:21 p.m.

LIFE IS TO SHORT!!
I met a remarkable man on line months ago. his name was Edgar.... or ok_catfish to everyone else.I wanted to meet him sooo bad...almost did but out of resistance of a 4 hr drive I didn't go..
To day I got an email from a sister of his..telling all his friends that he was killed in an automobil accident......I am shocked and feeling very emotional.
my god.I know I missed a chance of a lifetime.he had this personallity that stood out.he was sweet and kind..he sent me cards and made me roses.everytime he wrote me it put a smile on my face.now he is gone.luckally i saved one of his off line messages.
it was my favorite one.
I guess this is one more of those examples that tell us that life is to short and putting off until tomorrow.may stop tomorrow from comming at all, leaving only regrets.......(I'm sorry Edgar)
JESILYN

THE MEMORANCE PAGE!!!

2001-08-12             1:16 a.m.

While greiving over the loss of my friend I decided to make an active contrubution in his name...
I created a web page memorial and linked it to my home page.emailed his family and friends and told them what i did.i have already begun to recieve comments and talked to people who are contributing to the cause...
You meet people in your life and some leave good impacts while others you would rather forget...
Edgar was a person I never ever will forget. his memory will forever be kept locked in my heart....

cyber love

2001-08-12             5:30 a.m.

CYBER LOVE
have you ever met someone on line who can speak to your soul..as if they knew your every thought...
complete strangers who for a moment intime feel a connection stronger than the pull of gravity.....
Very few here on line have i found that can touch my heart... but last night while i sat greiving, a man from cyber space came calling..... his words touched my heart and his humor brought a warm touch to my soul...a connection that I needed for sometime...
twas as if he were sent at that moment from an unknown universe to wash away my sadness and fill the needs that was creating my pain....... unlike most his words were not sexual but romantic just the same....
we spoke of life, love, religion.....we joked...I laughed harder than I had in months...
In many ways he reminded me of my dark prince...who now ignores my every attempt at contact...... His words sounded so familure yet differant completely.
It's a fantasy land..... but a grand place...My imagination sends me into the arms of another... and I find myself closing my eyes in order to wisk away in the peaceful day/night dreams......
Starving for the attention it is quite easy to get lost..lost in kind words, sweet smiles and compliments.... Blushing like a school girl...making secrate wishes that the person on the other side just might b the prince charming of my future..
Yes, sweet is the imagination...My own special haven.where I can stole away and be anything, have everything, and feel loved......
The imagination combined with the knowledge that there is a soul existing out there that is willing to give a small amount of time to make me feel better inside..... Technology is a wonderful thing.... for the lonliness has gone from my life if only for a moment!!!!!!

hospital bound

2001-08-12             6:44 p.m.

FOR ALL YE PARENTS IN DIARY LAND THIS ONES FOR U!
I have said time and time again that parent hood is full of everyday adventures.....today my day started well......my children were getting along and when sent outside.everything changed...
dylan put ellie on a bike and pushed her down the hill... i had to drop everything of course and rush to the hospital....where of course it took 4 ever.i yelled at the staff after we sat for over an hr to clean her wounds...and easy her pain....
xrays, crying and finially we are home....
she is bound to the couch for 2 days.ice and elevation...yep...fun...
all in the name of childhood....
adventures never end......
JESILYN

The powerful word LOVE!

2001-08-13             4:23 a.m.

While chatting with my new friend the other night our conversation topic struck on an emotion.. the emotion of love.. over the last two days I have pondered the meaning of this conversation and have since decided to share with you my feelings about this subject...understand everything written here has been taken from the conversation with my friend.
And For his contrubution I am greatful..for he helped put into words the way I feel inside....
What is Love?
Love is many things to many people but to me love is the most wonderful word that the world seems to forget...these days people take love 4 granet they throw the word around so hollow like. or maybe they deny it and never say how they feel until it’s to late .
love is a discission that a person makes......The word LOVE is made up of four letters more powerful than the mightiest weapons...love is the understanding of anothers being....love is caring for another person unconditionally! Love is being selfless....love is understanding that the person is not perfect, and the willingness to provide support at all times..... Love is committing to a force greater than ones self....... When feeling whole just to share life with a person no matter how far or how close the distance....and feeling like a million everytime just the person's name is mentioned..Love is sharing the little things we love about the each other...the physical sensations...the pounding heart... the feelings of lonliness when unable to connect...... Love is an unstoppable force. It's when you find the emotional fullfillment within another person....
I believe that one must be able to love thy self to give love...one who is showing lack of being able to give love..most probably doesnt truly love themselves? Alot of times true love exists but hides for just the right moment...then one day it shows it's full bueaty. I also believe at times a heart falls in love with the idea of love, becomes devoted to the wrong person..and thats when the newness wears off it is left broken.... and without flavor...
Yes love is an emotion that is pure, totally forfilling,
and completely a work of art....

A moment of sadness.....

2001-08-14             2:06 a.m.

Life these days have been full of thoughts about love and fantasy...thus the reason for my sadness today.... It's odd really.for today I awoke in such a good mood.then suddenly I fell...soring strait down like my balloon that has a whole in it.....
I am trying desparately to shake these feelings...trying to stay optimistic....but cold reality of my life sets in and the lonleyness takes over..
Yes I am a mom and I am not alone..my children adore me as I do them.....but, life without a soul mate is almost as bad as death....
Am I wining, no, I don't think so..I feel that I am only expressing a moment of sadness for I know tomorrow will bring with it a new beginning. and a new chance at life..... Hopefully It will be happier but if it's not I will survive like I did today and every other day that I have suffered......
I should be relaxing enjoying the quiet instead I sit and listen to the voices in my head that repeat the hurtful words that have been said over the years.. the ones that leave me feeling self conscience and resentful.....
I realize most of these things are not true and I know that I deserve better.but, i can not help but feel that for some reason I have been cursed to a life without a mate.....
When I was a teen ager, earley teen ager, the male singers sang with such conviction about love and I fell head over heals for the romantic words...thinking that someday I would meet and marry a balloteer (POET_ROMANTIC) but I did not instead I was dealt a life full of obsticals a wild emotional roller coaster....indeed it has been.....
I live in a fantasy world, believing that that prince will come and sweep me off...looking into every man I meet wonder if he is the one...but of course there is always something that comes up that says nope.he is taken or nope he's not interested, or nope.he's definately not mr. right.....either way here I sit still very much alone...
Oh well life goes on and so shall I.
Holding on for one more day, one day at a time!!!!!
I'll B ok.
JESILYN!!!

poem explanation about my feelings!!

2001-08-14             3:35 p.m.

I have a close friend who is a writer...a very talented poet..this friend is like a sister, and probably the one of the few that understand me.......
She write as if she were writing my thoughts...years ago she showed me this poem and it stuck with me .
When I am experiancing depression this is how I feel... Although i am enduring hell I am still protecting the world around me.....So with that I will leave u with her poem and the knowledge of exactly how I feel..... I hope it don't upset her again..lol (to know I am down) ( remember I shall come out when I feel better I am a surviver!!!)
(P)
DON’T ROB THIS GRAVE
Put the nails back in my coffin
For I’m not coming out
I’ve been wounded by deception
in your world and I know what it’s about
Put the nails back in my coffin
There’s nothing here to see but
stuck here in my slumber
Are my skeletons and me
Put the nails back in my coffin
Seal it really well
So I can lie here privately
And fight my private hell
Put the nails back in my coffin
For there’s nothing you can do
But leave me in my darkness
I’m sorry
Sad but true
(the poem was written by: ETHA GOODLETT WALTERS)
you can read her diary under gentelwinds1

I'M A MOMMY!!!!!!!!

2001-08-15             2:35 a.m.

today has been such a long day...
I decided to go clean the girl’s room.YIPPY!!! (not)
I moved all furniture out cleaned under beds and then looked at carpet..yuck i thought its a mess...i remembered what the floor looked like last year when we layed carpet so i decided to rip it out..ewwww! bad idea... It was ovious where the b/f dog has done his number and where star had scrubbed it up.cause the floor was messed up....nothing i could do then so i the bright one decided to clean the floor w. bleach hoping to make it alittle better until i could strip it.....BAD IDEA...bleach and old urin......it bubbled like peroxide and made my eyes sting.the smell was awful....... I thought I'd surely die b4 i got it cleaned.
I did finially get it done though and it looks alittle better..atleast the room is clean...... it took me all day and my body aches.. I pulled a big garbage can full of broken toys old papers and alot of other junk out..about 4 loads of clothes that i found under bed not to mention their bedding.so i will be doing laundery for a week..unfortuantely i plan to do boys room tomorrow.....which by the way is almost as bad.just no carpet..
A mommys wk is never done......before i go to bed i still have to do dishes. sweep kitchen and mop..vaccume living room.I don't think i will get to folding the clothes on the love seat that i been washing.
For those of u that have been wondering.by 4 yr olds foot is healing.slowly.... it looks much better.she asked to take a bath today.and i was scared..i knew it would burn but, she did good.i let her guide her foot in slowly.. she cleaned it and dried it and i medicated it and wrapped it back up... I hope it don't scar...why do kids do such stupid things...i know they r learning.but some things r common sense.. a 4 yr old can not ride a 20 inch boy’s bike..... oh well..kids will b kids and it's over and done.hope they learned......
the other kids come home tomorrow....back to full time mommy.. but i wouldn't change a thing.not me.i love them so much.I do my best to give them everything i can. they r my world.... life would b worthless with out my children even if they r a handful
with that i will close.......good night/day world..wish me luck on my house work.....it just might b the death of me!!!! lol......
JESILYN

BROKEN WINGS

2001-08-15             4:57 a.m.

BROKEN WINGS!!!!!
You know..my favorite artists come in many catagory but for tonight I feel overly compelled to feel close to martina mcbride.her music inspires me so much.. Between her song independance day which by all means reminds me of my mother who was murdered in 1992 on the forth of july, and her song broken wings which is what I really wanna discuss.. for this evening this is how I feel...
Everyday that passes I feel that ronnie only puts me down for who I am.yes I know I am not perfect but a life of pure critasism is not a life of happieness...
I give him everything I can and yet he is never satisfied.. which makes me feel that much closer to the song from mcbride..
I keep fighting and trying every day......reaching for my dreams of happieness.I know I can not sit back and hope with out doing the foot work ness.to susceed so I try more and more everyday.
I also know that one day I will leave this hard life behind and find true love and satisfaction...Somewhere in this vast world aawaits a destany for jesilyn.how long I don't know, where my road will lead again I do not know but surely I will carry on..
My wings may be broken for now but I know with a strong will and deturmination I will susceed..when I do that poor man will look at me and say damn..what did I do.... I messed it all up...and I will look at him and say indeed you did......***SMILE***
my house is clean...very clean..I did get those dishes, kitchen, living room and even the laundry i spoke of folded...I am proud of my self.tomorrow I will clean that boys room....I am tired but, happy...
I sit here with eyes still burning from the bleach insident and bones aching, but, I know that I did everything myself.no help.....I may have had to force the mind to coroperate with my will power....and force myself to do what I was not emotionally up tooo..... but now that it is done..I admire that accomplishment... (with a crazy motion I reach backwards and pat my shoulder..good job jesi, good job) In my life I know there isn't anyone gonna give me the compliments I deserve there for I believe in telling myself at least once a day.. < u will make it> I hope there are others in this world that do this tooo...
I hope that every decent person who is living a nightmare steps back and says...broken wings or not I will susceed!!!
FAREWELL!!!!!
JESILYN

My own battel with co-dependancy in a new light!

2001-08-15             6:02 p.m.

Today I am evaluating Jesilyn and the woman she has become. Living with co-dependancy is an on going battel and for today I am going out for the clear picture.
I know that I have an exceptionally hard time dealing with pain. I tend to hide it, deny it, and over exert to deaden it. My journey through life has been full of sharp, curvey roads, and severely steep mountains. not to mention the long road blocks..
I am a harsh self cridic who tends to punish myself when I don't messure up to self expectations. Don't get me wrong I know i have a good heart and I am fully capible of loving unconditionally, and being loved in the same manner. But to complain about my hardship makes me feel like a whiner, this being a trait i so dearly hate.
I repress pain. the pain I know stems back for years. It can only be identified as a missing element. Childhood was not a luxuary that I was given..I grew up almost over night and without guidence. Wrasteling with these deamons has helped me to understand pain. I am forever learning to understand the impact this pain has had on my life and my behavior.
When things go wrong I become heartbroken,and disillusional. I throw myself into fantasy and I disassociate myself from my surroundings.typical of a surviver. which is where control comes in but, hay I feel control is an illusion that only the Gods possess. I burdon myself with trying to gain control over my life.but in trying to make this happen I commit to causes that tend to weeken me...perfect houses, and one sided relationships are my weeknesses.
I am a natural stand by your man, loyalty without question for better or worse.I seek companionship and respect but seldom find it. I become attracted to a great guy, fall in love with him, then one day he sprouts horns and is no longer the prince but dr. death instead.draining me of my dignaty, my self worth and my inspiration..turning my love into a sad sick dance where the music has no glory.
I have learned to identify the traits of co-dependancy but to to release myself from the chains is alot more difficult. I feel obligated to posess positive views, consuming my blame. Deep inside I feel I should have made wiser discissions, somehow I should have been smarter.Yes it is sad but true I am harsh on myself,but, I am forever changing inside.
Lately I have opened my eyes and although broken my heart carrys on. So I am still holding my confidence. This confidence is helping me to find the will to stand alone and also speak out to the world. I know that this will give me a personal freedom, and it tis a freedom that I cherrish.
Discovering who you are internally and emotionally is a hard task, and a learning experiance all of its own.Pain is my teacher, maybe the teacher that I secrately need.for I have the tendancy to learn my lessons the hard way. But pain is a gift of healing and hope and I will use it as a bridge until I suscessfully cross the river I call life. for once I get to the otherside there will be grass of green and a pond of of bueatiful blue water. Thank you!
JESILYN

PMS AND EVERYTHING'S FINE!

2001-08-16             3:40 a.m.

well another interesting day with the family NOT!!!!
actually I was sore all day and sat in my chair next to the p.c. and did nothing.. I do believe it is pms..both kinds mother nature and putting up with mens shit!!!lol..
All in all my day was good.freaky really no arguements no yelling just peaceful.I have two kids home and two at dads .they just exchanged rolls lol...
I miss the little one and do wonder how she is feeling.i know star would have called had she had started crying for me..or if her foot was hurting..
Shut up jesilyn.your baby is fine...she is taken care of after all big sister is there...right? right!
Yes I do believe i am ready for bed.no long drug out entrys tonight......soooooooooo!!!!!!
sweet dreams ya'll!
I shall return!
(Yes, I know thanks for the warning right? lol..)
just alittle dull humor there.....
JESILYN

THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!!!!

2001-08-17             4:00 a.m.

OK OK OK Today has been one of those days where u should have never gotten up....I was prematurely awaken 5xs by the phone this morning.when i decided to give up on sleep i found myself dealing with a major migrian headache. associated with PMS (the womanly kind)
which of course triggers the childrens arguementive mechinism, doing nothing but making the head ache worse.
When I finially got rid of that. I decided to play web designer. so off to angelfire I went. My Pc so kindly rejected my internet explorer. This of course interupted my work again.....After a 30 minuet wait on hold I finially reached my tech. support who had me delete abounch of stuff including my pass words in my favorite files...... I am still struggeling to remember those....lol.... My neo pet is frozen....cause i tried to many times ***FROWNS*** ***CRYS*** I WANT MY PETZ!!!!!!!!!
Mean while a stress headache kicks in and so do the kids , riding what is left of my last nerve.... I sent them to bed without suscess.every 5 min MOM!!!!!!!!! just when I thought all had went calm my son comes in another attempt to stay up.....he grabbs my glass that had a swollow of pepsi in it and clumsily spills it all over my key board.....yep u guessed it.keyboard ruined..... so this entry will be belated and put in on the next day.......I hate not having my pc it sux........
I am not crazy enough to ask what tis next cause some where there is a god with a lame scense of humor ready to show me!!!!!!!! lol........ The rent to own company is gonna love this.yep!!!!!!!! ****CLOSES EYES AND SHAKES HEAD**** Not!!!!!
The only good thing about this whole day was the talk I had with my texan fellow, who, is always a light to a dark grim day..... I never walk away from our conversations with out a forfillment......
OK GONNA CLOSE WITH 1 FINIAL STATEMENT.......
THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!
KEEP SMILING!!!!
JESILYN

FIXING THE SCHEDUAL

2001-08-17             11:11 p.m.

After such a long drug out emotionally draining night.i ended up getting about 2 1/2 hrs sleep. not exactly what I wanted but probably a good thing because I been needing to get on a normal persons schedual.... this staying up all night definately is not gonna mix with the kids school schedual...I learned that last year. after waking up and running late...nope not this year.mommy is gonna be a good girl and break the p.c. addiction.
I finished up the school shopping today I think things get more and more expensive every year not to mention every year the schools ask for more. i just thank my lucky stars that my kids do not expect the moon and stars.they understand the word budget and help stick to it.
I hope they learn that lesson well b4 they grow up. because life isn't always easy.... and never cheap.
any way life tonight is boring i hope that my texan comes out b4 i die over from exaustion.
lol,
JESILYN

MY NEW LOOK!!!!!!!

2001-08-18             8:49 p.m.

WOW I AM REALLY LEARNING!!!!!!!
I am so proud...I explored Lissa Explains at www.lissaexplains.com that is one smart child...
I have given my diary a new look...finially got all my favorite colors and removed all those blank areas....as the Genie on Addladin would say as he slaps a graduation cap on my head.SHE CAN B TAUGHT!!!! yes I love cartoons especially disney movies...wouldn't it b nice if life was as simple as it is in cartoons....any way......
I think other than the texan that i talk to this is about the best event I have had in days... u know working with html is a bitch at times but I feel accomplished when I learn something.I guess every one does.... some time tonight I hope to get around to a serious topic but for now I am playing and being happy.....
Ya'll take care..........
JESILYN

have to move!!!!!

2001-08-20             8:34 p.m.

LIFE IS TRUELY A MIXED UP CRAZY EXPERIANCE AND WHEN U MIX IT WITH A STUPID CHOICE OF LOVING MR. WRONG THAT CAN CREATE DERMATIC PROBLEMS......
u remember when i stated awhile back that i was not gonna ask what would happen next in my life....well too late it was a hint just enough for the crazy gods to become funny...
before i say what has happen let me say i have been trusting my b/f to take care of the rent...he has been doing work for the land lord and stuff not to mention slipping a few hundred here and there.I was under the impression that everything was ok...after all he was taking care of things right??
well the land lord called a few hours ago and i promptly gave phone to the b/f and went back to cooking....a few minuets later he came in the kitchen and announced "we hve to move" as he said it i felt my heart drop...
its like now what r we gonna do? i know that everything will work out and some how i will find a place...i know that i am strong and where there is a will there is a way..but for crying out loud...ain't i under enough pressure...I guess some one some where don't think so...
every day its a new challenge...i will come back later and write more for now lets say good bye and good luck
jesilyn

THE PEP TALK!!!!

2001-08-21             2:49 a.m.

well it looks like its time to dig my head outta my ass and start trying to figure out what to do...by damned i am not gonna let this life take advantage of me...i'm gonna pick myself up and dust myself off and get things done....
u know i really didn't like this neighborhood anyway from past entrys u know about my neighbors and the trouble they have caused...and i have been taking the kids to school for almost 2 yrs because the driver for this area is unfit....so this could b the gods and goddess way of saying honey it's time......
what time is it ( TIME TO CHANGE), which way is my destany set to travel (WHO KNOWS)... are the roads any windyer any rockier, any higher (WE SHALL FIND OUT)..... will i find a place to call home that will actually feel like a home or will it b another hell hole that i merely survive in....( LIFE IS WHAT U MAKE IT)...
I am giving my self a pep talk can u tell.... can u hear the battle from within me?????
optimisim jesilyn....u can do this...(YEP LIKE I REALLY BELIEVE I HAVE LESS THAN 2$ IN MY POCKET KIDS AND A TON OF BILLS) ya you'll make it......(OK OK OK ENOUGH!!!!! I WILL MAKE IT)
do u think i'm crazy yet? i know i am...but hay don't we all have these little battles with our selfs.....
I keep hearing my mother say "jessica lynn (yes she called me that) where theres a will theres a way" I wanna believe that, that is true... but, she had done so much in her life...struggeled so hard and yet died by the hand of another murdered and her efforts lost forever...
i do not wanna end like her...i wanna win, enjoy life, prosper.....
i want happieness and a family.....
and i am gonna fight for what i deserve...
fake it until i make it....(in other words force myself to smile-grin-and-bere-it!!!!!)
no body is gonna fix me until i fix myself.....and by god i am never gonna rely on ronnie to pay rent again.........
ANOTHER HARD LESSON LEARNED!!!
JESILYN

WHAT NOW!!!!

2001-08-21             5:45 a.m.

ok here i am at almost 6 am! i told myself that i wasn't gonna worry like this but, of course here i am doing it anyway... what the hell am i gonna do..how long will i have to fix this mess...
how r my children gonna react to moving again?this is my worry...yea we all hate this place but we have just about got it remodeled to our likings...my daughter has a pink bedroom...her dream...and my living room is brown my kitchen blue...just the way i like it...now what i have to start all over....
its a wild crazy merry go round and frankly i want off...i want a calmer life...a life full of security... a life where i am not kept awake by nightmares...some peace of mind PLEASE 4 once...
i am not wining really, i am just soul searching for the answers thinking out loud writing my thoughts as to remember what is happening so when i look back at the lessons i see exactly how i felt...
I guess the feelings of hopelessness come easy when life is rough...even when u do have confidence u tend to loose it....
I just hope that when a teen ager finds this crazy diary about my life it will leave them making the discission to keep their asses in school, their legs closed and wait til they r emotionally, and financially capible of building a family...i hope that i can shed enough tears for them...feel enough pin to keep them from feeling it...leave a mark..that says jesilyn survived so u won't have to...
then again who am i fooling we all knew everything until we grew up and found we knew nothing....thats how life is...
any how just chalk this entry up as another attempt of jesilyn's to find herself and her rainbow...
JESILYN

moving in progress.......

2001-08-21             10:19 p.m.

oh !!!! what a day... a long long day...
packing is the ultimate bitch...yes, yes i believe it is...
today i managed to pack the boys room (which is where i am gonna put the stuff as i pack it...I packed most the kids clothes up into boxes..i packed a total of 35 boxes.... and i am not even a quarter of the way done...i am trying to take pride and pack it right lable all the boxes and make it easier on my self to put away once we get moved...
this sux...I went down today and signed ellie up for head start she loved it so much last year... but while i was there it curled my stomach to think they may move outta this school distric..it is cruel to let them start knowing they might move away....i hated my own father 4 that now here i sit forced to do the same...
any way boxes was the only thing i found today , no luck finding a house...this town is so pregidist that they dont advertise empty houses...blacks won't rent to white and white wont rent to black...its a viscious cycle.... and the loop hole in realistate is don't advertise and u can rent to who ever u want... it's sad and aggervating at the same time....
well.....i am about drained and i think i'm gonna close...at least i made som progress....
JESILYN

holding cool....

2001-08-22             10:30 p.m.

well... i seem to b holding on fairly well in my time of insecruity and lonliness... I guess years of dealing with these feelings have left me stronger and better equiped. hell if i know...
any way , i am working hard to get things packed..and in two days i have packed about 50 boxes or so...
the kids r taking all this really well, and ronnie and i haven't fought in days. i guess mericals do happen...any way i am outta here, just couldn't go a day with out writing....
holding cool........until we meet again...
JESILYN

MY OUT LOOK ON RELIGION

2001-08-23             10:07 p.m.

tonight I wanna take the time to talk about religion and my standing on it.those who have seen my home page come questioning my phylosophy....I am guessing they think that they are god because they come at me with only comments that degrade my being...some ask why I chose my roads as i do, some try to change my standing swaring that I can not worship two gods of differant religious back grounds...
this is not exactly what I feel that I am doing...
i believe in jesus christ...I believe that he is gods beloved son sent to cleanse us of our sins..yet at the same time I beleive in magic and the power that people are blessed with...for the sceptical christians who do not agree with me.I have only one question for you... Was moses a witch simply because he has magical powers..after all he walked on water, parted the sea and many other exodic things...
was it not god who asked for offerings of the flesh of animals in the old testament...the smering of lamb blood on ones door....these r things I am not doing....
does a christian not pray...isn't this the same as chanting for ones desires...dear god give me!!!! yes i fear it is...
with my wiccan beliefs I feel I am saying every one must choose their own path, I am not god I do not judge...live and let live... I am saying I will do as I want as long as I harm none... god does not push himself on us..so why as christians do we feel a need to do this???? Does the bible not say an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth??? in the same manner a wiccan believes that everything you do returns by three fold..If u give kindness u recieve three fold kindness... if you give hatred then u will recieve the same by three fold...what is so wrong about this..
to push belief on some one is harming them...to cast ones wishes upon another is harming them unless it is their wish for such things...
so there for I ask that those without sin cast your first stone... if u are not completely clean, or your name is not god or jesus then keep your comments to your self and in your own closet... and that my dear is where i stand!!!!
a christian believing wiccan or is that a wiccan believing christian either way I am me!!!!

THE IMAGINARY FAMILY

2001-08-25             2:29 a.m.

Have you ever been lost in your own imagination? hiding out searching for your hearts true desires.
dreaming of your soul mate and what your perfect life would be if only you could forfill your dreams????
this is where I stand tonight..grasping, reaching and desiring companionship...needing to find forfillment in life..yet not knowing which direction to look. I have been looking through the files in my own attic, trying to find out where I lost my idenity...
If I awoke tomorrow and could have my lifes desires I believe that I would only ask for the basics... a comfortable home that belonged to me. full of love and compassion, respect and peace.. A complete family who understands me and is willing to sacrafice everything to stay together.
A family who openly expressed love and enjoyed each others company...
I would want a job and a personal life outside my home.... friends who also enjoyed my company ...
I don't wanna be rich or famous.... I just want to feel excepted....and apart of a family (this is not intended to insult my kids) it is to enhance their well being..they deserve two loving parents and the security of a whole family....
I guess i am just living another crazy fantasy....
it is a bueatiful thought though....
JESILYN

IMBARRASSING PAIN AND SUFFERING....

2001-08-25             5:58 a.m.

I sit here wondering if I am actually capible of writing about the pain I am feeling right now. I sit feeling like a broken toy cast aside unwanted by the one who once brought me such joy... I am insulted and neglected and very imbarrassed about the situation...
for months now ( 9 1/2 to be exact) my boyfriend has failed to show even the slightest interest in me sexually. he always has an excuse.even when he does manage to make an attempt his only interest is in either a hand job or being given oral pleasure...he seems totally uninterested in making love to me...thus making it am emotional heart break for me...
There is two sides of me the co-dependant soul who has the desire to make things work, the one who loves him for the man he was, the one who desparately wants things to return to normal....and then there is the woman with needs that is begging for passion, craving satisfaction, and looking for forfillment...
I am torn between both worlds...
Do I seek sexual forfill ment else where which may only increase the dirty feelings within me...being satisfied for only a moment in time..do I induldge in fantasy activitys with a new lover. Do I dare chance feeling evil and unworthy as so many times before...
Haven't I given him every oppertunity to change, havent I tried to be what he wants...haven't I crushed my heart without mercy to prove my love..
I do not understand why I hang on???????
tonight I went to bed, at almost 4:30 am I mind you, crawled in bed...wrapped my arms around him kissed his shoulder as I do everynight whispering I love you always.....
with in moments he rolled over..proceeded to start a sexual encounter placing my hand on his love muscel. for almost 40 minuets I did what he wanted...he became hard but never got off...I refused to give him the oral tonight for I know if I do I definately will not get what I want...
after awhile I became frustrated by then realizing he was doing it again. (falling asleep)
he had smoked 3 cigeretts and hadn't touched me even once...I stopped told him I could not go on..got up went to the bathroom by then in tears and then returned...facing him with the issue...
his words to me...I am tired I am not going to fight with you about this tonight...and he rolled over and went to sleep....how could he???? he was into it...he just turned it off when he realized he wasn't gonna get his way....EWWWWWWW!!!! I am so mad...
Why am I so stupid????? I know why...I can't afford to leave, and if I did I have no where to go....life is cruel....survival is all I know but even at that I am so lonley almost wonder why I even try...I am beginning to wonder if my life has been jaded...has someone somewhere deemed me unworthy of love and affection....will I die alone and empty?????
I do appologize But I had to write about this...for if anyone else out there has suffered this or is suffering this they need to know that their shame and pain is not a isolated thing...and by all means if someone has the answers to change this tell me...u know how....
JESILYN

GETTING OVER IT.....

2001-08-25             12:58 p.m.

last night was a low but as of now I feel better...sure I am tired and kind of slow but I am fine...I made it thru the night and the nightmares that woke me and am starting my day...
I am getting ready to feed the kids and fix myself up...remember look good feel good...
any way I will keep u informed...today I have to go house hunting..
Later,
JESILYN

entrys to come...

2001-08-26             2:35 a.m.

over the next few weeks I want to take some time and write about my various beliefs concerning family, relationships, parenting, and the differant in our roles and what ever other things that come to mind...I do how ever wish to take a few more nights to deside how to structure this.... I would never want to sound pushy or over bearing....
but to write my beliefs would be fairley cool I think....and should actually harm none...after all u have been given the choice to close this screen...any way I am kind of tired but feeling ok.......
have a good one...
JESILYN

INSPIRATIONS FROM A KNIGHT!!!!!

2001-08-27             1:17 a.m.

TONIGHT I AM NOT GONNA WRITE A LONG DRUG OUT MEANINGLESS ENTRY...INSTEAD I WISH TO LEAVE HERE WORDS TAKEN FROM A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND MY CYBER SOUL MATE...HE IS MY INSPIRATION THIS EVENING AND DESERVES TO BE ACCREDITED FOR MY PEACE WITHIN.....WITH THAT i WILL CLOSE AND LET HIS WORDS TAKE YOU AWAY...TO A WORLD WHERE MEN STILL KNOW HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN....IT IS SO UNFORTUNATE THAT HE AND I LIVE SO FAR APART AND THAT HE IS TAKEN...WOULD SCOOP HIM UP IN A HEART BEAT(SHHHHHHHHH THIS B OUR SECRATE!!!!) jesilyn
(WORDS OF INSPIRATION)
I close my eyes....to wordly skys... I leave behind the day...but deep within me..I chase my thoughts away..
as love comes to hold me..the strength flows into me
the voices offer peace...as spirit and flesh become one to be...
I reach out to touch her face...to only see it silentlu slip away....
with fingers closing....heart slowing....
head bowed in a hurtful lost......embrace
winds of discontent flow past me...waking me to reality...
with eyes closing once more...in hopes of love will find its lost way back to he
as i follow the wind...to where i do not know...to the futures past...
where I will find a silver tightrope...
to be walked to ........places unknown....
for it is better...than the present place of life....
and heart...no matter where it might lead
***************************************
was it summer when the winds went dry..
or was it only just a dream?
the dreams of mad man moon...come dance with me..
feel the sand under our feet..
lift me higher..
as we find the love lost to so many....
to where it may go....look no further than than inside...as it was there always...
the key to the heart of others...is only as far as the love that you give
some are wise..some otherwise...some look upon us as strange...others not..marching to the promised land...
come take me by my hand..
the face in the water looks up....
sail away .....ripples never comes back.....
far away she goes....to that land where no one can harm her
angels never know the time...my what a jealous fools they are..
not to witness and know her true inner beauty...
For she will never be back.....
looking back for the last time....a smile comes across her face...
knowing that she gave all the love she could give...
as the angels close the book...and the story ends.....
**********************************************
I took myself a blue canoe...as I floated like a leaf...
in my merlin sleep.....
crazy was the feeling..
restless were my eyes...
my arms...there paralyzed
where to now St.peters
if it’s true i'm in your hands...
so where to now..show me.....which road I'm on......
dirty was the daybreak...deadly was the shot....
as body falls....to the ground....cover me with thy soil....
so where to now St.peter...show me which road I am on....and where to thy soul from here
(THE END- HOPE IT TOUCHED UR SOUL AS IT DID MINE)

LIFE SUX TODAY!!!!

2001-08-28             11:19 p.m.

tis a sad crazy night...my pc has been stopping, getting stuck...programs cutting in and out...
I recieved that court date today concerning the land lord real jurk got an attorney apt in the morning at 9:30. they think we might beat the money situation but even if we do I want to move anyway....
I hate this neighborhood more and more each day...
however moving always depressed me and this time is no easier....we have done so much wk...oh well life goes on right????yep!!!
been looking so hard..and found nothing yet...its sad..people here r so pregidist...they don't advertise to keep the opisite race out...c if they don't advertise than they can do what ever they want...common wealth state 4 ya...
any way getting back to schedual and its not so bad....i get up at 7 and bed by 12am-1am...i'll get back with ya...p.s the knight is almost beyond reach...for those that don't understand that one email me I might tell....
JESILYN

THE FRONT

2001-08-29             1:56 a.m.

if this don't make sence don't worry...nothing in my life does....this is an out let for that i am feeling.....................
THE FRONT
waiting on pins and needles..
wondering what the moment will bring.
will i feel complete or silly once again...
life is cruel and heart break real..
love is an illusion only lucky folks feel..
life is dim, and my heart grows week...
fearing I will never find
what would make me complete...
first a prince, then a knight...
slipping away like the stars in day light...
I grasp and I hide what exsists behind walls.
I can not allow pity to fall....
got to hold up the front...
gotta show i am strong...
gotta make the clown carry on...
so put on the make up, and post a smile...
pretend that u're happy with mere survival.
JESILYN

crazy existance.....

2001-08-29             10:50 p.m.

Tis a life style I want to leave behind. this life style being co-dependancy,hurt and pain..
I also would leave behind the loveless relationships that seem to find me...I have been unsuscessful over the last 10 years. but optimistically I continue to search for the freedom...
Do I know why I just said that? NO I DON'T!!! but it came naturally....
These days I have been spending countless hours examining my past present and future...ready to regain the knowledge that I once had...Who is jesilyn? what does she stand for? what makes her happy? clueless questions that tend to haunt my mind....
It's one of those things I guess....to let u know I went to the lawyer today...to make a long story short. They r gonna try to bide me some time ask for a continuance that in it's self would set it farther away. I am definately moving it's just a matter of time b4 I can...we r searching all over this town and still hoping for luck to set in...56 phone calls and not one house...oh well my ship will come in...all i can say is I hope it is soon....
JESILYN

what goes around comes around

2001-08-30             9:48 a.m.

I was talking to a friend last night about a subject that I found to be educational..not really because it was a happy subject, but, more because it shows the immaturity of some people. There are people in diary land who seem to think it should be a place for put downs and smart ass remarks...people using guest books to to harm and entrys to harm....My personal beliefs are based on the harm none thory...If I step on some ones toes I would hope they would be courtious enough to send me an email....Hell what am I worried about no one ever signs my book they read and send instant messages....maybe I should be happy and thankful about this but it still tends to make me sad...
I think people should take what they can use and leave the rest behind kind of like in a 12 step meeting...hell I don't know..... I find peace knowing that I am not alone....and that was my main reason for making a diary on the web....
Over all I agree with some one else who left a guest book entry in a diary.....Grow up...if u don't like what u read look else where until u find what u r looking for...why dwell on such non scense...... I be damned if I'm gonna stoop to a lower level.... Over all remember what comes around goes around!!!!!!
JESILYN

A HOME, A HOME, OH WHERE IS A NEW HOME? LOL'

2001-08-30             8:35 p.m.

What exactly am I thinking about, as I look around a house that I have put tons of tender loving care into. fixed to my style color scheam and watch as all the plans I made disappears.. all because a landlord has chosen to break a verbal contract... I know life will go on but I hate starting over...
I have less than two weeks to find a place and move...thats alot of wk. 6 people and all their shit...Do U know just how much stuff one family can have.... I do.lol...too much LMAO!!!
Tomorrow I will be going down to the post office picking up the money and hoping to all sources that I will find something....Something special is in the mist I just gotta figure out what it is...lol...
I feel this mega pull to look outta town and as of tomorrow i'll have the money to do it...i hope...any way as i close I leave u with my favorite verse....
IF U'RE EVER GONNA C A RAINBOW U'VE GOT TO STAND A LITTLE RAIN!!!!! (I JUST WISH THE STORMS WOULD END) LOL!

JOKE Who said that????

2001-09-01             1:22 a.m.

heres a joke i was sent today by a friend....I thought it was funny...maybe u will too....
WHO SAID THAT?
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade of a U.S. school. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F-----g Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke!" The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

another house hunt down the drain....

2001-09-01             9:36 p.m.

Today was long, and I do not feel like I accomplished much....at least I tried...We drove to Madison Heights which is about 2 hrs from home...looking to move there u know bigger city...more jobs...but no luck..we did leave a few notes on houses that had no numbers....maybe something will spring out of it.....
I am starting to get worried and wondering if we are going to make it in time...I get scared about anything that concerns the kids and what they need.....my x husband made me an offer like yah right....i don't think so....his drunk lazy, mood elevating ass don't deserve my attention...and after spending 7 yrs with him that was plenty....
as for me and ronnie we r still getting along fairly well...i don't know maybe he knows if i wanted to i could walk away and leave him stuck....so far i have 400 saved for the move plus a money order that ronnie gave me 4 the electric bill...i am holding it just incase...so thats 550.... I found out that a whole sale company is comming to town...now these people come in once a year 4 two days...they pay great....and its not that hard to punch keys on a cash regester....
i figure if they will let me wk I could wk at least 10 hrs a day and then make about 200 xtra $ twords the move...every one send ur vibs this way I need all the good vibs i can get....
if this happen though I promise u i will b beat both days....standing on ur feet pulling and tugging on tools and other heavy stuff all day will leave me tired...so if this happens please don't hold against me if I don't write.....
I'll write when I can and fill u in on my progress.....
anyway I am tired, will catch u later.....bye bye...
JESILYN

another day w/out luck

2001-09-02             7:52 p.m.

OK HERE WE GO AGAIN....ANOTHER DAY OF HOUSE HUNTING AND ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT RESULTS...
I do believe I am starting to get IRKED!!! I am beginning to hate this state and the people that go along with it...jobs are low, homes r few and the schools sux...but here i sit still trying to b optimistic....
it seems when desasters r at hand the kids go wild...talking back, not being satisfied....etc.....
anyway I'm not gonna continue to bitch so I'm outta here.....bye
JESILYN

life

2001-09-03             2:00 p.m.

Today is one of those days when I wish I could just stay in bed, keep my head covered and hybernate. But, life goes on and I being a mother just can't do this....
Today I am not going looking instead I am gonna use this day to pack what I can...its been a few days since I gave time to that...
I went to the fair grounds today and spoke to those Homier people...I was glad to hear that they hadn't filled the positions...I will get to wk there tues and wen. that will be long 10 hr shift. but another 180 in my pocket...YAH!!!!!
I know it aint much but it will help and I've never been up and beyond doing stuff like this...
tomorrow I'll be so tired...
I am reliving my teen age years...when rock was rock...vh1 is having an 80's count down....Now I feel old....but at the same time those songs and videos represent my whole child hood....Can I return to those simple years???? Sometimes I wonder what I'd do differantly...but then even if I had a choice I'd stay where I am...
any way I'm rambeling...
BYE
JESILYN

1980's v/s 2001

2001-09-03             11:49 p.m.

All day today I have been watching VH1 on television...they have been doing the top 80 of the 80's , You know this brought back memorys ... I think I got more done than I have in a long time... The music back then was inspiring and fun... even though times were tough, I found my peace in artists like bonjovi, poison, europe, madonna and others like them.
It was also groups like twisted sister that taught me that it was ok to be differant...
I wasn't a popular child, I didn't follow the crowd...I held on to my own values and walked my own way...I wasn't a in style dresser, and I was usually behind everyone else on my choices of music.. By the time I was 13 in junior high school I found parachute pants, crop tops and revieling mini skirts..I soon became popular...I took a new view on life and my image showed it...even then it was a unique look because it wasn't in style... I never cared...didn't wanna be like every one else.... I had my friends and thats what mattered.....
It was about that time that I found out that I was admired and that people thought I was pretty....then again..i wore make up and big hair..i took pride in being sexy...It got me attention...when I walked down the streets heads turned...and that made me feel good....
I sure miss those days...
I decided today that once i get moved that I am going to start wking twords getting my image back!!!! It's time I quit acting like an old lady and find my spunk....I'm gonna start taking pride in myself again...I want to take up walking and excersizing...maybe get my figure back...after all my figure has created alot of termoil in my life...being a mother has been great but unfortuanately I can't use that as an excuse forever... My baby is 4 now..... Look good feel good!!!!
I think my looks controls my additude twords myself and my life... I think it gives me strength and self confidence when I look good...any way I'm gonna close for now....still working on that schedual goal!!!!
Jesilyn

NO INTERNET!!!

2001-09-06             3:15 p.m.

Life really sux...here I sit without my internet because my internet company has its head up its ass.... I made a payment on the 31 now for some crazy reason I have an account on hold...this definately is not funny!!!!! Some one somewhere is gonna catch hell.....
I am tired sore and grumpy...and my only true sorce of relaxation is unavailable.....just like last year I used muscles I totally forgot exisisted....even my ass is sore..and I never sat down....but I made almost 100.00 and that is just that much closer....not to mention I got dylan a few more birthday gifts....yes his b-day is thursday my next to oldest will be nine years old....
I'm becoming an old lady....lol.... just a few more months I'll be 29 one more year I'll be that dreaded 30!!!! AHHH!!! NO!!!! not going there tonight...am just too tired to even deal with the crazieness....
any way since I have no internet and I have sunk to a un happy mood I'm gonna close...hopefully I can post this tomorrow.....sorry everyone but it's not my fault.......
JESILYN

The 4 yr old dare devil school skipper

2001-09-06             10:19 p.m.

Kids do some of the craziest things, let me tell you about my 4 yr old....This child has been doing silly things all day. This afternoon Ellie refused to stay at Head start... yes I allowed her to...how many parents do u know who can walk away from their scared child....NOT ME!!!!
any way she had taken off running twords her old class room, laughing talking about seeing Mrs. East... any way let me say that we couldn't get her into morning class.... Ellie found out that she wasn't in mrs. easts class.... then she realized she was in a class with all black students and black staff...not saying that she is prej... am saying she felt outta place.... she clung to me and wouldn't let go...begging mommy please take me home...she said, her body shaken by fear and her tears as big as rain drops....
But as soon as we got in van totally differant child!!!!! whats a mom to do...its not seperation anxiety its something else.....she says she not going tomorrow...its only pre K i won't force her.....
The second thing she did was a funny more up beat note... I have my 11 yr olds hampster cage on her tall dresser...ellie has found a way to get him out...she stands on the bed.holds the top of the door and swings to the short dresser where she stands there and reaches in the cage..gets franky..tosses him to the bed and grabbs door swings bach to bed and gets the hampster....this is a 4 yr old child.....i sware she is too crazy for her own good...and what a smart idea..but damn...I had to correct her for it....
Dylans birthday was today and i got him what I could...he liked his presents and I took cam pic's and posted in my #3 shoebox in my community...lol My boy is nine now...I feel old!!!! he is a handful but my only boy!!!!!
as for the house hunt...still no suscess....looked hard today and nothing....I have 6 days til court...whats a singel mom to do....getting more scared....I'm sure something will come up but boy, I am getting nervous...
No rambeling tonight....by the way...I got a free months internet 4 their mistake...yippy one less bill.....
take care...
Jesilyn

My new position!!!!!

2001-09-07             11:00 p.m.

Life has been one crazy adventure after another, some good most bad...but today I was asked to fill a position in the wpg... I feel awful that asa is leving us for a short time but was happy to get the offer to assist aryn...everyone has been so kind to me...I feel at home there... It is also helping me with my neopets...Did I tell you I adopted two new pets I still need to post them here but I have been so busy...I promise I will though***SMILES***
the house hunt is still flopping, I can not believe everything is either too small or out of price range or don't want pets....I think I'm gonna go crazy......I have the money now ronnie got pd today and gave me his check...c there is a first 4 everything...wonder what alien crawled in his head????lol......
Am still trying to recoup. from those two days wk..not to mention catch up with everything I have neglected for the week....I need a day of fun..can't wait til i get moved normal life will find me again....
anyway I'm going back to my pets and my guild c soon...
JESILYN

Sorry ppl its been so long:(

2001-09-09             9:04 p.m.

To my public I am sorry, I have been busy between beginning my new position within my guild and looking for a new home and packing...I just haven't had time to add an entry, bare with me as I put my life back together.....lol
The house hunt has been draining have two possibilities to check tomorrow..a 4 br house for 250 and a two house lot for 400 keep me in your thoughts as I adventure this situation... As for packing I am about 1/2 way done.... always a fun job...
I have met so many nice ppl...in my guild and am starting to feel like family... I am aryns new assistant and have felt so welcome..I worry about learning my new position but I always get nervous when I try to please ppl... they have been so helpful...one of my new friends gave me abunch of food for my shop and my pets...I have up graded my shop 4 times and built a new room with the earnings...I am helping several friends find food and putting it in my shop...I know for some of u who don't know neopets it sounds boring , but, if u click on my pet and check it out u will c why I love it so much...
the kids are a handful these days and something is always going on..boy is pc world so much nicer than real life...of course every one knows why...duh jesilyn it's not real...lol... we are all very excited about moving.. expecially when we get to get away from the clampet neighbors who cause us trouble...I hate ppl who don't control their kids and let them run free...no jesi don't go there tonight...
Ronnie and I are getting along and then fighting a never ending roller coaster ride...Personally I wish I could just move on without him but, that is impossible I just can't afford to right now...
My mood lately has maintained its confident state...with a worry once in awhile tis why I haven't changed my imood thingy...lol...
Really wish ppl would sign my guest book after all tis why its there...lol... HINT HINT!!!!
Ok I'm outta here...just believe in me, I will get things back under control....I HOPE!!!
Jesilyn

terrorism in the usa and my life

2001-09-11             7:05 p.m.

The twin towers have been demolished by terriorists, and the pentagon has been hit too...there are countless dead and injured ppl. Our country is in a state of emergency... I personally feel over whelmed and anxious...
I have mixed feelings I want to say kill the bastards but I cant why because I believe harm none... yes 3 fold but when its my turn I wanna have good.... I pulled my children out of school at 11am they needed to be with their family wrapped in love while the us is being terrorized..... the schools didn't like that any but f*** them
I don't believe in the death penelty, and i do not believe that by wronging another you are making up for the wrong done to you... I believe the death penelty is murder and no one will ever change my mind...the great devine will take care of things and provide justice...I feel it is his job...
My heart goes out to all that this has affected which is everyone..in one way or another...
As for my personal life still no home, and we go to court tomorrow...something has to happen it has too... I am still very scared and my life seems like a very large roller coaster...up and down....up, and down!!!!
I keep trying to look at things with an open heart and mind but its just not happening...I'm starting to be affected by the lack of progress...
any way I am gonna sign off... still have guild buisness to tend to....the whole guild is in franzie about this terrorist thing...
Blessed be everyone...
JESILYN

TIME TO FACE THE SLUM LORD!!!!

2001-09-12             12:36 p.m.

Oh ...everyone every where is in complete crazieness and here i am about to leave 4 court...what the hell am i gonna do....I am so scared and pray that everything will b ok...still no home..lets hope the judge had his peice last night...lol...trying to keep humor...
As far as the situation here in the usa I will talk about that later....
wish me luck, keep me in ur thoughts...and positive energy plz ppl.....
JESILYN

My feelings about this tragity and us retaliation

2001-09-12             7:32 p.m

my beliefs is harm none...and I can not approve retaliation...I pray for peace and love to bring us together and for healing but to have a war and more death no i do not agree with this....
how is killing more ppl gonna bring back those who died yesterday...its not!!!!!!
and i am not responding to talks about war...
god is the judge not man and isn't judging a way of harming?????
by bringing war ppl r killing...isnt it hypocritical to kill when u want god to take care of things...and the issue of war is tearing me up!!!!my god i am a wiccanwoman with christian morals BUT... all i hear christians doing is preaching war...fighting and retaiation...im angry but i don't want ppl to get killed..
what is justice??????
killing innocent ppl in another country just because a few bad animals terrorized us..is this justice????will it bring them back hell no it won't will it rebuild the United States monuments??? no it won"t!!! thats what war is ! its making ppl pay 4 what other ppl from their society has done. To me this is prejudice...but those that will b killed r not the ones who did this...they r fathers and mothers just like us... just like those killed yesterday when they go bombing they will hit targets...where innocent ppl r...killing innocent ppl...
i don't know what the hell we r to do...but in my heart murder is wrong harm none....my chest is tight, my eyes glassy....and my emotions r running wild....i have left so many chats because of everyone screaming war...no one and nothing is perfect but for me this is how I feel.
its a new day
and with this new day we must find the strength to pick up the peices and heal. By uniting together and providing love we may eventually find peace. Sitting here watching the news my heart weighs heavy for all those lost but even more so for those who live...
Everyone who has children weather they be the parent or just a close friend...please hold and hug them
try to provide them with a scense of security. For some this sounds like common scense but there will be some that will read this and realize they had forgotten...These little ones will be the future and if anything is going to change it has to be planted in their hearts...I want to end the hate! I want to believe that we will heal from the pain. Today I am going to try to look at my life where can I change and what can I do differantly...It was definately a wake up call in my life!!!!
(((HUGGYS)))
u know i really am confused right now....feel alone and afraid that im loosing my mind
JESILYN

new ribbon link and catch up!!!

2001-09-15             1:21 a.m.

oh my...I have been neglecting my diary..I have a rather big gap in events...am about to try to gap these things if i can...the ct hearing with the land lord went fairly well...i feel i won b-cause i owe him nothing..and i got 18 days to move..no we do not know where we r going yet and i can only hope something comes my way soon...
as 4 those stupid worthless neighbors..I went over one issue today...there is now nutral territory between us and we r under order no contact...no words,jesters, crossing property..even after we move...tis finial..thank heavens..finially something done!!!!
had a really bad tooth ache yesterday...took a pain pill..and it made me so damn sick i thought i was dieing...of course i lived cause i am here writing u.... I must say I am a tough cookie...
as for the terrorism thing here in the usa..I am still shaken and in a way discusted...yet I have been carring on...i created a ribbon that i am telling every one they may use...in memorance of this awful event... today i dressed myself and my children in red white and blue... put ribbons in the girls hair and we picked up ribbons from a charity org. which is how i made the ribbon jpg i scanned it... any way we kept the car lights on...and instead of playing slug bug (the game where kids hit each other when they c a vw bug car) they played head lights...they counted about 200 cars w/ head lights on...and we only traveled about 15 minuets from home...I was very surprised to c that many in a town of such racism....but was glad!!!
any way I am so tired still have a few things to do b4 i go to bed...I am now doing alot of things...in and out of the guild..once i get use to doing these things i will b ok!!!
peace fill ur heart and souls...
Jesilyn

MY OPINION!

2001-09-16             10:57 p.m.

Another day of healing and trying to get on with our lives...the USA is suffering and I know many of my friends from other countrys feel the pain too...I have so many things going thru my mind...like what do the other ppl feel...do they really believe in their country or are they in the same boat as we r...is their lives sitting in someones hands who will lead them astray??? It's so damn sad...really....
I have a friend in pakestain who has dropped contact...and we feel its because he is upset with america....I really enjoyed this persons friendship...he is a marvolous writer and has been very supportive over the months...I wish he knew that I am not against him even if American citizens seem to be against his country...
I have noticed that in the news they speak of american citizens attacking other American citizens just because they hav ansestors from the countrys that the goverment suspects did this awful thing to us.... Why do ppl do this ...everyone of us except the American Indians were from other countrys and most of us are not genuine indians so damn it stop this....
The violence must stop!!! we must bond together to end terrorism in the USA and everywhere else..
My health is good...my emotional state is alittle crazy but I am working on this repititously and am hopeful that things will improve soon...
The kids are growing and getting more independant this is an issue for a mom who wants to hold on and protect....shelter them from the world that at this time seems to be falling apart in front of our eyes... My 4 and 5 yr olds see pictures of the rubble on tv and in newspapers...they point out this to me..I am constantly trying to ensure them that they are with me and I will protect them the best I can...I do not wanna give them false hope but I have to say something...
My oldest has been following the story as it unfolds and asks very intellegent questions...she also has strong opinions about war and death...not to mention she is studding my faith and drawing her conclusions...she agrees with harm none and thats the most important thing about my beliefs... I just keep reminding her to stand up for what she believes in....never hide...and always keep ur head up...
The house hunt is getting me down just alittle...we have 14 days and still no house...we do however get to c a house that rents for 250$ its a 4 br...house and I am hopeful this man will let us have it...
The van is driving me crazy the breaks are going to the floor...its not the break pads its leaking break fluid... and we can't afford to fix them...oh well keep it full and deal until we do...AS ALWAYS!!!
Me and Ronnie are going thru this crazy spell...its been so long since we have connected...honostly almost a year...I know its probably over but I can't get away either and he isn't leaving...what am I to do..I have needs too..and would kill to feel support during this insecure time of my life...I guess I'll survive...I always do..
Ok I'm gonna cut out!!! C SOON
JESILYN

Found a house!!!

2001-09-18             11:39 p.m.

ok so its been a hetic day...I'm comming down sick my throat hurts , my nose is running, my eyes watering....damn why now...
we finially found a house....thank god...
my heart feels much better even if my health seems to b slipping...oh well..I'm trying and thats all that matters...
anyway the house I speak of is the same house that i wanted so badly...
let me tell u about it. this house has 4 bedrooms, a bath, a living room, dining room, kitchen,it has a screened in porch and a laundry room. it even has a car port...wow!!! all for only 250$ a month...
we got the deposit and 1st months rent free!!! Yippy!!!
I arranged 4 the phone to be moved and an etra phone line to b put in for my pc..at least then the family can't be bitching about my p.c. and me tying up the phone....that will be done on the 26th
the electric will be turned on over there tomorrow...and shut off here on the last fri of the month!!!
fair well old house...hello new beginnings without neighbors...country life is so grand!!!!
well any way I just finished my wk in the guild and even though I'm happy as hell I am sick and I better get to bed
GOOD NIGHT FOLKS!!!!
JESILYN

SEPTEMBER 11th CONTINUED HATRID

2001-09-19             11:19 p.m.

this entry is being posted as a favor to a friend and I could not have said it better myself.....
thanks aryn!!!! at least now i know that I'm not alone in my confusion and feelings....
aryn70: i am increasingly being saddened by the continued tragedy of sept 11th..i am not talking about the actual events that happened on the 11th, but the response.
ok all the sudden is has become ok to hate a person so much that ppl will rejoice at their death..everyone i talk to (cept one person so far) and all the emails i get are all about this intense hatred of osama bin laden...
how the US will get him and make him pay and will kill him.
tonite i got a forwarded msg from a pastor (from my best friend who is a very devout christian) that basically said he will dance in joy when obl is burning in hell..
that really took me aback..i mean, come on, my christian beliefs tell me that it is a christian's duty to do all they can do to SAVE a person from hell...
my wiccan beliefs tell me to harm NONE..yet all around me, all i see is this KILL KILL KILL obl from everyone, every race, every religion...
i don't condone what obl did at all and i think he SHOULD be stopped and punished...but what concerns me is this world wide hate that has spread.. to me it is a like a cancer infesting the earth..i don't see how ANY good can come from all this hate....from all this negative energy zooming around the world in plentitude....
aryn70: think about our rule of three...if we project an all consuming hate out into the universe....what is going to come back at us??
so the suggestions i am looking for, is what i can do about this..i feel a great need to shake the whole world and make them see the negative effects this hate is having or is gonna have...
i just don't know how...or what to do....
so whether u agree w/ me or not..if u have any suggestions as to what i might do, i would love to hear from u, cuz this is eatting me up inside and i need to do SUMMIN.
IFFIN U WANNA!!!
email aryn
again thanks aryn...and all of u that will answer her......
JESILYN

life goes on and so shall I

2001-09-21             12:17 a.m.

Isn't it funny how in a national desaster I think of love instead of revenge...I know I probably lost alot of my readers when they realized that the bitch in me went soft...but I am and will always be an humanitarian...and iffin no one likes it they can leave and not look back...yes i know this sounds awful but gezzzz, this era is based in personal views and being able to hold our own opinions...so being the way I am shows I'm an individual....I'm not gonna follow the crowd iffin I don't believe in them. I wanna be remembered in life as someone who stands and races for her beliefs....
The house is comming along and we will be moving on the 26th...can't wait country life no more neighbors,trains or caged children and petz.....freedom atlast....not to mention my own room...no more sleeping on the couch to get away from rl and the tv,his lack of attention... this is my stretch 4 independance and i'm running w/ it. its also my way of saying kiss my ass i can make it even with u in my house...I know u r thinking why do i keep him around but, thats simple...neither of us have a way to move on our own and by all means i do still love him...
i'm still sick damn nose is on vacation it ran away... and if anymore pressure inflates my head i will surely float away...the worse is karin who is running a high temp. kept her home fm school.... she has been laying around....but i'm sure she will b ok in a few days... me i hav to get these last few teeth out b4 they drive me nutz....
ok..I'm going....c soon
JESILYN

I applied to b ordained.

2001-09-22             2:21 a.m.

 

today has been full of wk and play...busy busy....ronnie is at new house he plans to stay there all week end to wk. me and the kids r at old house where we can be comfortable...
on a high note the livingroom there is done the kitchen is well on its way..the old wall paper is down and the painting starts tomorrow...
Today I applied to become ordained...later i will wk on a degree..maybe..I do want the high priestess status... am very excited about this...right now i am not planning anything w/ it but later well thats open..its a personal thing 4 me to have this...
life seems to b on hold until after the move but then I will b able to get back on track...
I cant stay tonight my tooth is killing me...and the meds arent helping...
so take care and c soon
JESILYN

Movin sux

2001-09-23             12:34 a.m.

moving is such a bitch...feel totally drained and lifeless...I moved 5 van loads today including stars bed and ellies bed, the kitchen table and chairs...we moved the bikes, and countless boxes...along with other peices of furniture....
back and forth all day...thank god my kids aren't affraid of hard wk...the two older ones jumped in and helped...
anyway..I just got done with guild wk and my tooth is driving me crazy again....so I'm gonna go
b4 I leave I just want u to know that as soon as this move is over I will get back to normal!!!
bye bye
JESILYN

Officially Ordained

2001-09-23             10:04 a.m.

Well I recieved ordainship today in my mail..Afer I move I am going to send off for a special credit card style credential and a embasialed cretificate....I have been wanting to do this for a while..and now I am officially a ordained minister. I do believe I fall into the free thinker but that is not what I am choosing.. I want High Priestess...as that has been my title for years...
I am gettin ready to grab my shower and then take a load to the new house...
just wanted to share that with every one...
BTW. the date of ordainship is 9-21-01
JESILYN

Getting closer three days to go!

2001-09-23             10:11 p.m.

OH WHAT A DAY!!!!
we did three loads today I know that doesn't sound like much but, when u figure I unpacked and put away the rest of the boxes I had packed and set up my bed room as much as possible... I did alot.
I forgot to eat today and now am batteling one hell of a headache...yes my own foolish mistake...one day I'll learn. Jesi needs food to continue without being sick...
the kids go back to school tomorrow..man that will make it even tougher with out help...ronnie is spending his days/evenings painting,fixing floors etc. at the other house...which leaves this whole moving thing up to me...
well I'm outta here.....
c-ya soon
JESILYN

another day down....rain and all

2001-09-25             12:19 a.m.

what a bueatiful day in my neighbor hood....lol NOT!!!
today I spent driving and loading the van in the rain..watch me end up sick over this ignorant event...but who can do anything except pack and go when u r trying to move...it seems no matter which house i am at what I need will always be at the other...
My new bedroom is comming along great and when i finially get to sleep there i bet i will find peace... Can u tell I'm excited!!!
I truely can't wait to get back on track with my personal activitys... I hav been so busy that I hav to stay up til 2-3 am just to finish guild responcibilitys and taking care of my pets..I just can't let it go.... I promised to do my best and I will or die...I sure hope I don't go that far...
I am verytired and sore...I think i pulled that neck muscel and when ever i do that I always end up with a head ache...which sux...
the kids hav been a big help star and dylan stayed out of school today to help...I know bad mommy but I can't do everything by myself...and we woke up late anyway so why not???
any way its afer midnight I already hav the 1st load in the van 4 tomorrow so i'm gonna leave on this note...
take care..and wish me sweet dreams...maybe some one special will visit my dreams tonight...he knows who he is.......
JESILYN

I WENT OFF !!!!!

2001-09-29             9:00 p.m.

ok so i'm in a sucky mood.... I have had all i can stand and cant stand no more....I want to feel loved and cared for the way a woman should..I am tired of feeling neglected...both emotionally and physically...
Tonight I had already felt stressed by the move, and the kids ronnie, just had to start bitchin as always...insult after insult...bitching and more bitchin...I finially flipped on him... he was up in my face screaming and i warned him to back off he didnt i spit aiming right between his eyes and when he returned the jester I just started swinging wildly...I do not know how many times I hit him or even where all I know is I clocked...
I have been building up anger for quite some time...I finially released just a little.......
i realized what i was doing and stopped...but not b4...
Am I sorry, NO I can't say that I am....do I wanna do it again yes I do and worse... I just wanna inflict something severe on him...u know pain that he can feel, the way I feel when he neglects my needs and shatters my self esteam to hell...is this wrong...probably but I can not help how I feel...
he had the nerve last night to tell me iffin we stick together we moght even fall in love...HELLO... I fell in love spent almost 3 yrs trying to show i'm worthy of his and still never hear an I love u... I am starting to fall out of love and seriously desiring a new mate..one that will hold me. love me, carress me, and show me what a woman needs....and do all this because he wants to....
ok enough dumping...
we r finially moved into our new house... my room is the best looking here...stars and the babys stuff is all over the living room...the kitchen isnt ready yet and the dining room still has boxes in it... I so wanted to get the livin room cleared today...but of course the events i just described changes the mood...
ok here I go trying to go back to that topic....so I'm going...bye bye
JESILYN

real world!

2001-10-02             9:25 a.m.

As always here i am hurry hurry hurry...too much to do too little time to do it....I hav so much to fill u in on but right now I need to go pick up my check and pay bills especially the phone bill which I am forcing to stay on by not signing off internet...they r just waiting 4 me to and zap the phone will b gone...yes, this is a rotton trick on my part but in my life I've been treated rotten so screw it...I am keeping my internet as long as i can.
we r almost done moving stuff around this house its actually starting to feel like a home...but there is very much wk left to do here and of course as always i have to do it...
King jerk (ronnie) has been keeping himself locked in his bedroom like the rest of the house has nothing to do w/ him at all...and iffin u speak to him he gets crazy...so I just basically stay away unless i feel like defending against his nasty additude...oh well thats my life in a nut shell....
karin (5) started her new school yesterday nd rode the bus 4 the first time today....her new teacher sent home a crab w/ her yesterday and she had so much fun w/ it...actually we all had alot of fun w/ it....
i actually woke up on time today yippy maybe it isnt impossible at all to get back on track.
I'm still quiet depressed but am growing spiritually and emotionally which to me is one of the same...
ok, on any note its time 4 me to take off and adventure into the world away from my safty on the net...lol...liked that didn't u?
ok I'm gone c-soon....
JESILYN

headache gots me down... back to bed!

2001-10-05             7:45 a.m.

oh me oh my I still feel like shit....yes yes I do. I have spent the last few days doing field trips with the kids and that is wk!!!!!!bunches of 4-5 yr old kids runnin everywhere....lol but fun I had....
yester day I landed a headache...from the sun or the stress I still cant put that into place but a migrain hit hard...It knocked me outta commishion hurt enough to make me severley sick to my stomach.
I promise I will write more ltr....I have to get kids to school and come home and get back to bed.....Im just too sicky....
BTW... I changed my diary....I love it and boy does it suit me....stil wondering about the font color and style...any way c soon...
JESILYN

the cow in a bikini at walmart!

2001-10-06             12:40 a.m.

life is interesting.... today i did apsolutely nothin productive....nothing interesting unless u wanna hear about my trip to walmart which by the way is so depressin....
I ran to walmart tonight and there on the clearance rack was the bathin suite ive wanted for the last 2yrs....yes...3 $ a pc.....so i rummaged thru the rack grabbed two differant ones and proceeded to the dressin room ready to disappoint myself...and it happen...i tried on two differant tops...and needless to say too small...nothin bigger available...
so i decided maybe the black wasnt so bad...i slipped on the bottons stood starin into the mirror at the body that most men use to concider to be a goddess...and tears filled my eyes...
how stupid I must hav been to even think I would look good in that thing....my ass looked huge and I was definately not happy...matter of fact besides the pain and depressin thoughts I actually felt rage...rage for myself for not taken care of what I had been given....
I am so outta shape and I hardly even try any more....
I husseled and threw on my clothes tryin to excape the image that was now imbedded in my mind of the cow in a bikini...and put the suits back on the racks....never again...no...no more...
I grabbed two pairs of big sweat pants two shirts and skuffeled off...I bought a callin card and decided there was only one thing to do...call grandma..yes, I did and burned the whole card...in 1 call....over 200 minuets...of course i hadn't talked to g-ma since june so we had lots to say....
well I'm done ranting...time to get some sleep and realize that life is not kind...no I'm over being depressed (at least as much as its gonna get until I loose this weight)I still hav to die my hair...my roots r almost totally out, havent died it since my dark prince talked me into it way back months ago...any way nighty night....
JESILYN

AARON TIPPIN (YAHOOOOOO!!!)

2001-10-06             9:37 p.m.

YAHOOOOOOOO~~~~~ Aaryn Tippin!!!!
yes I am apsolutely consumed by the aaryn tippon concert I just left at the fair grounds. He is a georgous man with a wonderful voice not to mention a nice (well anyway)
I have the worse sore throat I've ever had I screamed my head off....I bet my mother in law (sortof) thought I was nuts...Ronnie probably didnt like my reaction much either but hay screw him....yes I said that I admit it...
I clapped and sang thru every song bought a 5$ key chain and a new cd which btw was in rememberance of the tragity in N.Y.
he put together a bike in 3 min singin a wking mans phd....then donated it to toys for tots here in south boston....oh he was wonderful...My heart is still beatin outta my chest...wonder iffin I'll sleep tonight...
the last 45 minuets of the show my 4 yr old kept sayin mommy when is he gonna do kiss this...and when he cut loose the crowd went wild every one stood jumpin in thier area...screaming and wavin arms...he really kept the crowd goin...and of course my hormones as well....
ok so I'm rambeling but hay he is FINE underlined!!!! what I wouldn't give to get ahold of that....ok so its wish full thinking but isn't it a wonderful dream to have...
I'm outta here
JESILYN!

heart break and those who live it.

2001-10-08             12:18 a.m.

life is truely amazing....tonight i was talking to a guy that i met on the net...we spoke about how it feels when love falls apart...this guy is so sweet and had been hurt terribly by a woman who is very selfish and uncaring...its only good point is that my friend hadn't moved in with her yet....can u imagine how much harder it would have been for him iffin he had...I can because I've been there too many times...but the subject is heart break and what its like to bounce back...
today was his x/g/f's b=day and he spoke of how hard it was for him to not call her...boy can I relate...I bought a calling card last night and as i thumbed thru my rollerdex I came accrossed my dark princes ph # I wanted to call so bad just to say hello and i still think about you but instead I put my foot down and said no way! not until he contacts me....it burned my body from head to toe...opened old wounds that I thought was over and gone....
why does a soul harbor pain when the other party sleeps without a care in this world...why is it so easy for some ppl to get over heart ache without even lookin back while others fall apart...its a mystery and a hard lesson..... I have been both kinds of people at differant times but somin I learned is when u find a new love it surely releases all the pain if only 4 awhile...then in my case it happens all over again...I guess thats how life goes ...some when and some loose its how u play the game that says who u really are....find strength in your pain and know that no matter what u r not alone....
C soon!
Jesilyn

NEW IMAGE!!!!!

2001-10-08             8:11 p.m.

Oh yes I am great yes I am....(saying this as I pat my self repeataly on the back) lol....I have been changing my diary all day...am I done yet no , not just no but hell no!!! I'm addicted ~grins~
For those of u who have never seen the old look let me assure u that the new one knocks the sox off the old one...lol... I have managed to find a way to get my picture on my diary....make my favorite sayin move instead of sit there...I changed my font type and have added a new boarder....created buttons which by the way kick ass!!!!
I'm proud of my self can u tell????
any way...life is going ok except the kids were late again...really gotta stop that!!!!
ronnie is still an asshole but hay what changes...nothin...lol
ok enough ranting and fluff I'm gonna play w/ my pet!!!! hope u liked the change....
JESILYN

CONTACT W/ MY DARK PRINCE!

2001-10-09             1:20 p.m.

Well...this day is going well... I am so tired and achy I just don't know what to do with my self....i know what I should be doing....house wk!!! yuck I hate those words.....instead I am stuck on am email I recieved this morn which I should hav gotten yesterday...it was from my dark prince.....he finially replyed to my letters ..funny how his words seem to ring in my ear...I am putting it here so I can use my diary as an out let......reply and all.....
heres what he said....
Stop
Never meddel in the affairs of Wolves, for thou are crunchy and go well with catsup.
I know he was talking about me contacting him but life is funny so I returned his favor with yet another letter...u c I will always love this man...no matter what the future holds..as love is a choice and my mind is made up!!!! so heres my reply!
oh really.... after several months of waiting to hear from a man who proclaimed his love so deeply this is what i finially hear....stop....never!!!!!when i told u that i loved u i ment it....i ment every word i said......i kept every word u wrote.....I fell tranced into ur words....and relived part of the world that was stolen...I thought that ment somin to u...but i guess it was a game u played...hoping to damage my heart in the way yours was once done.if this is the case u accomplished that for I have been scar ed and torn...however I will never stop telling u how I feel....u can continue to ignore, delete or even block my letters but I will always , always love u.....as far as me being crunchy my darlin.....i go good with catsup, but also good with chocolate (kiss) maybe one day u will believe in the power of love ...<== still is not casting and wont...but, u will always know that the cat is prowling in the mist waiting for the chance to pounce!(wink) I love u, ALWAYS, JESILYN
to some this may seem silly why try to hold on to a love that doesn't seem to want me right? well that is a clear thing...a yr ago he was ignoring my letters, then one day he came on we talked and he started calling me everyday on my pager and professing his love...we were even planning 4 me to join him in the state that he lived....then one day...his g/f created guilt and his contact stopped...in my heart I believe true love never dies and as long as I am consistant and true to my heart it is not wrong....
I am not harming anyone by loving him...and there fore its not bad....
I heard something from a friend today she got influenced by charmed, she may not b a witch but boy she can create the spells...lol any how it is the way I feel....and a quote like that can not go unpublished with this entry....so on closing I leave behind these words....
so if loves words upset his soul let him seek in which to know . Where his heart can abide and love inside can no longer hide !!!! ( I mean this too)
JESILYN

rambeling about my dark prince....

2001-10-09             9:36 p.m.

ok so his words r still ratteling around in my brain like pop corn....what can i say love is strange....still can't figure out what ever happen with that mans promises and honor ....
i was talking to a friend who listens really well about my dark prince....and i fell into the trance of the songs and the memorys and how much he had ment to me....
I know that I'm never gonna forget him and I know that I will always love him....
ok so I'm rambeling and some one just signed my guest book so I hav to c what it says I may be back....
Jesilyn

and the dark prince rides!!! back up on his white horse!!!

2001-10-09             9:55 p.m.

oh yes....the dark prince is on a very tall pedistol...he dared to sign the guest book demanding shit...not a way to approach me...for I hav done nothing wrong...but as b4 I now know he looks here so I shall continue to write how I feel....as 4 the guest book entry I deleted it...he needs not be known in a true idenity...
I did how ever write him back and tell him again how I feel...it is up to him...what he does with the infomation...I could care less....(this not being true but hay what can I do)
this man is refering to an occasional letter as stalking...how can u stalk someone if all ur doing is telling them that u still love them and u will wait things out...if its ment to b it will...
He even casted doubt to my faith...which is fine, like most he does not know me anymore and can not judge me...so that doesnt bother me at all...As long as I know who and what I am thats what matters...the wiccan path is very vast and everyday I learn somin new..as I believe all witches do....but mostly over the last few months I have grown to know myself better...and that is a true release...
I no longer feel I need to cover my beliefs I am not open and honost about how I feel...and if some one don't like it they r free to turn their heads.....
with that I close!
JESILYN

conversation about life living w/ darkwolf

2001-10-10             1:01 a.m.

(conversation about life in his state)
Martin Darkwolf says:
well...I am going crazy over wanting to touch you and I can not, so I thought some thing like that would take my mind off of it
jesi says:
u are a bad bad boy, i can not wait to torcher/ i mean punish u
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh wip me, beat me, and make me spend my money
jesi says:
what money
jesi says:
i have a place, matter of fact several places 4 that finger
Martin Darkwolf says:
no fair, I wrk my butt of, I can not help it that I have bills up to my eyeballs
jesi says:
i agree
jesi says:
wk for ur penny right
Martin Darkwolf says:
bet I make better than neddle dick the bug fucker there does
jesi says:
s
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
h
Martin Darkwolf says:
well
jesi says:
star is here
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am sure she would agree, he is a bug fucker
jesi says:
stop
Martin Darkwolf says:
no
jesi says:
yesssss
jesi says:
u r not here to take care of me u r stuck there
Martin Darkwolf says:
if I can not play one gaME i WILL PLAY ANOTHER..."kICK rONNIE
jesi says:
b
jesi says:
e
jesi says:
h
jesi says:
a
jesi says:
v
jesi says:
e
Martin Darkwolf says:
no
jesi says:
yes
Martin Darkwolf says:
or you'll what
jesi says:
nock u out
Martin Darkwolf says:
two can pLAY THIS
jesi says:
bee havie
Martin Darkwolf says:
or what
jesi says:
i'll pout
Martin Darkwolf says:
you are there and I am here, kinda losses something in the distance
jesi says:
no u r there and so is my heart
Martin Darkwolf says:
same here
jesi says:
my whole heart!!!!!!!!!!
jesi says:
1/2 of urs is in another state as well
Martin Darkwolf says:
think about it, I do not even have Anakin right now to play with and to hold...you have 4 kids at least to get love from
jesi says:
ok u got one on me
jesi says:
but they aren't as much fun as u would be
Martin Darkwolf says:
so if I am in a mood...well just deal with it]
jesi says:
i love u even when ur grumpy
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh yeah I would be a lot of fun right now..." whatch Starla this is the proper way to rip the arm off a bug fucker and beat him to death with it
jesi says:
soon enough they will be home and i will be waiting on the sidelines again.... i know u'll say that's my choice but it don't make it any easier.
Martin Darkwolf says:
what am I suppose to do...I do not have a clue at this point...
jesi says:
i can not make discissions for u either, and i am not sure i can handel watching yet
jesi says:
i am just now getting use to looking in your eyes again w/ out flenching
jesi says:
i was if u couldn't tell having trouble doing that
Martin Darkwolf says:
no I could not tell, the web cam hides a lot of things
jesi says:
i am growing but slowly, i am easing into this
jesi says:
although my heart is falling like a rock
Martin Darkwolf says:
and here I am wanting to move at the speed of light
jesi says:
right over the cliff
jesi says:
u have always had that effect on me
Martin Darkwolf says:
not enough of it though in the past
Martin Darkwolf says:
if I did you could not have let me walk away that first time
jesi says:
noooooooooooo from the start u melted me w/ ur voice, with your eyes, and with your words.......... that wasn't fair
Martin Darkwolf says:
I know, I am sorry
Martin Darkwolf says:
I should not have done that...I am just hurting and I lashed out
jesi says:
i felt i had no choice, u acted like i was about to ruin ur life
jesi says:
i can handel u lashing out but it would be easier if i were there to defend myself and show support
Martin Darkwolf says:
true...
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am just lost right now in self doubt and anger...I am not sure what I am doing
jesi says:
let me ask u a question
Martin Darkwolf says:
sure
jesi says:
would u have been happier if i had not found u or if i would not have let u know i did??????????
Martin Darkwolf says:
I do not know...I can I say, I was happy when I did not know you were looking for me, I am happy in a way to have been found, in time we will be together as best we can, I am just hurting now...I have never been one to believe that ignorance is bliss
jesi says:
maybe i should have thought it thru first, i guess i was really not thinking very much about where ur life might have went. I feel like ur sadness is my fault for seeking u and then letting u know i had. maybe i should have just sat on the fact that u were out there somewhere.......... I just could not except the fact that it was over and that u had moved on..
jesi says:
if i had just left u alone ur life would not be so complicated now.
Martin Darkwolf says:
I had moved on, it was never over
Martin Darkwolf says:
we have still not had our last dance
jesi says:
i wonder if we ever will.......
Martin Darkwolf says:
I hope not
jesi says:
can u give me 5 to call 4 pizza 4 these kids
jesi says:
i wanna pick this back up
Martin Darkwolf says:
sure...need a smoke
jesi says:
ok i gotta call dominos
Martin Darkwolf says:
gods no
Martin Darkwolf says:
anyone but them
jesi says:
well anything else i gotta fetch
Martin Darkwolf says:
but of backstabbing christen dogs, wanting to take away the rights of everyone that does not believe as they do
Martin Darkwolf says:
incase you may not be aware, they are involved in a lot of things in the the politcs they back that make me sick
jesi says:
what did u do
jesi says:
that i missed
jesi says:
star seen u
jesi says:
bad bad bad bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
atleast she is learning from the best
jesi says:
but im not sure she needs to know yet
Martin Darkwolf says:
I was an early learner
jesi says:
u r bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
and look how I turned out
jesi says:
yes bad bad bad bghad bad
jesi says:
but i love u when ur bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
really, I thought I was pretty good..
Martin Darkwolf says:
and I think of my partners needs...she could learn worse traits
jesi says:
ooooooooook go smoke ill im u when i call 4 pizza
jesi says:
yes u do
Martin Darkwolf says:
she sees me make you happy, maybe Iwill be the role model she looks for
jesi says:
yes she knows u make me happy
Martin Darkwolf says:
would you mind if she brought a guy like me home
jesi says:
and she hasn't seen happy until i am in ur arms again
jesi says:
nooooo
Martin Darkwolf says:
even with all my knowledge and eyes
jesi says:
as long as he did not turn her bi'
Martin Darkwolf says:
personal I think it would but cool if she were bi, I have some friends with daughters about her age
jesi says:
let me call 4 pizza they r wining 4 food
jesi says:
shut
jesi says:
up
Martin Darkwolf says:
nopr
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
jesi says:
i love u 2
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will be here when you are done
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Martin Darkwolf says:
there you are my love
Martin Darkwolf says:
you look good when you smile that way
jesi says:
u r sweet
Martin Darkwolf says:
and it is good to see you happy
jesi says:
can i tell the world
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes
jesi says:
ohhhhhh good
jesi says:
i can ruin ur bad rep by telling ur sweet
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh well
jesi says:
hay do u remember what i was wereing yesterday
Martin Darkwolf says:
not real well
jesi says:
i have lost my monety in the pocket
Martin Darkwolf says:
opps
jesi says:
smile
Martin Darkwolf says:
ot much able to right now...too much on my mind
jesi says:
martin wayne jarrell we will work thru thissssssssssss
Martin Darkwolf says:
do not worry about it it will pass
jesi says:
i am worried, i have done nothing but worry so quit telling me not to worry!
Martin Darkwolf says:
and stop using that stupid name...if you will not call me by my chosen name atleast drop the wayne shit will you
jesi says:
fine
Martin Darkwolf says:
great now I went and ruined your mood...I am sorry
jesi says:
no i am fine
Martin Darkwolf says:
what???
jesi says:
nothing just trying to look in ur eyes and figure u out
Martin Darkwolf says:
not much to figure out there
jesi says:
yes there is
Martin Darkwolf says:
just a man with too much weight to carry...but I am used to it
jesi says:
but unfortunately i do not believe i can change what i'll never fully understand...
Martin Darkwolf says:
found it?
jesi says:
noooo
jesi says:
star threw it at me
jesi says:
that is bill money
jesi says:
im gonna use til i find the other
jesi says:
what
jesi says:
now
Martin Darkwolf says:
just more of the same...I just to do too much and I am breaking down under the strain of trying to figure out how
jesi says:
found money in purse
jesi says:
shhhhhhh
jesi says:
i told her not to tell i took his last 3 $
Martin Darkwolf says:
good
Martin Darkwolf says:
you know yester day I thoguht you spent most of it in just panties and a shirt
jesi says:
i did
jesi says:
thats why i forgot what i was wearing
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh
jesi says:
lipstick is flaking off
Martin Darkwolf says:
time to put more on
jesi says:
ok give me a sec
Martin Darkwolf says:
and maybe a little eyeshadow
jesi says:
blue or my regular
Martin Darkwolf says:
blue
jesi says:
ooooooooh what am i gonna dop w/ u
Martin Darkwolf says:
do as I say and love it...you have been looking for a reason to go back to your old ways...well here I am
jesi says:
star said picky picky picky (BLUE)
jesi says:
b
jesi says:
r
jesi says:
b
Martin Darkwolf says:
hows the hand feeling
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
at less it did not blester
Martin Darkwolf says:
good, I know it sucks to get burned like that...I have done it myslef
jesi says:
tell me about it
Martin Darkwolf says:
I was working the ships galley when I was in the Navy, and we took a good roll, I thik it was about 25 degrees, anyway I was cleaning the pots and pans and the water temp was aound 190, when we rolled I lost my balance and the water went up over the gloves I was using and burned me reall y bad
jesi says:
i'm back now i had too pay for the pizzia
jesi says:
i now that had too hart
Martin Darkwolf says:
hello evil one
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh admit it, you like wearing it again
jesi says:
what am i gonna do w/ u
jesi says:
i quit wearing blue and purple 6yrs ago
jesi says:
i actually like the brown
Martin Darkwolf says:
I dont believe you
jesi says:
i do
jesi says:
at least the lip stick
Martin Darkwolf says:
then why keep the old stuff around
jesi says:
i like having makeup 4 all seasons
jesi says:
u never know what color my hair will b next
Martin Darkwolf says:
bullshit...you kept it around because you know it is you...
jesi says:
i had to by red 4 u
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes I do...black, and after that lets see...black again
jesi says:
not red
Martin Darkwolf says:
am I wring
Martin Darkwolf says:
wrong
jesi says:
not brown
jesi says:
i can't even go blond
Martin Darkwolf says:
you could, but YOU WONT
jesi says:
i do once a year
Martin Darkwolf says:
and you are not a blonde, so please do not do that again
jesi says:
u havent seen me blond
jesi says:
i looked good
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes I have, got the pics
jesi says:
not blond
Martin Darkwolf says:
you sent them
jesi says:
oooooo
jesi says:
yes
jesi says:
those
Martin Darkwolf says:
please dont
jesi says:
i forgot those
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am trying to
jesi says:
ill send more tomorrow
Martin Darkwolf says:
f you must
jesi says:
what u dont want them
Martin Darkwolf says:
Iwant anything of you I can get, but prefer if not to be blonde
jesi says:
hummmmmmmmmmm wellllllllllll there aren't many other pict
Martin Darkwolf says:
then I will take what I can get
jesi says:
i haven't had a photographer
Martin Darkwolf says:
ask Mel to come down a take for you
jesi says:
noooooooo
Martin Darkwolf says:
why
jesi says:
bcause u dont know it but she tells alot of secrates
jesi says:
i do not tell mel anything i dont want out
Martin Darkwolf says:
whas secret at this point
jesi says:
true
jesi says:
he knows right
jesi says:
wellllll he knows ur asking me
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am sure he knows that we played the other day when you were alone
jesi says:
he has to know i'm interested bcause im on here like this
jesi says:
nahhhhh
Martin Darkwolf says:
only a fool would not, shit MIL I thinks knows...what do I care
jesi says:
hell what would she care
Martin Darkwolf says:
well her old man has been locked up for awhile now
jesi says:
i really doubt u would have answered me if mary had been home that night u would have gave me an excuse
jesi says:
now my eyes r stuck together
jesi says:
no answer
Martin Darkwolf says:
which night
jesi says:
i'm right ain't i
jesi says:
the first time we spent 12 and 1/2 hrs talking
Martin Darkwolf says:
the one where I first got the msg from you...no she was here...or the one a bout a week ago, cannot say, I was feeling like shit and thought what the hell you cannot hit me any harder lets see what she has to say
Martin Darkwolf says:
kinda glad I was at a low point myself, got me off the "white horse" was that not the term
jesi says:
yes it was
jesi says:
a dark prince needs no white horse
jesi says:
just a little honosty and truth
Martin Darkwolf says:
or would you have rathered I stayed at the point that everytime I got an email from you I wanted to rip you to shreds
jesi says:
i rather u be mine heart body and soul but i am setteling for what i can get
jesi says:
u asked
jesi says:
not
jesi says:
me
Martin Darkwolf says:
I would rather go back and kill the stupid fuck and live the life that was to have been mine
jesi says:
no u would not for u have a differant freedom that u would have never had w/ me
jesi says:
u would no have been happy in the strait life now would u
Martin Darkwolf says:
I would give that all up to erase what was done to us
Martin Darkwolf says:
if I had just kept going to school and got a job, I could have got it thru my mothers head I was serious amd that may have been the difference
jesi says:
we were to have the little pink house w/ the white picket fence so to speak with kids and dogs and love
jesi says:
with all the fantasys life could give
jesi says:
but the dream balloon colapsed before it got off the ground
Martin Darkwolf says:
and now I am left with rage
jesi says:
u've said urself that even if i didn't come u would still be able to live happily maybe not as happy but happy never the less
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes...I have had to make a new relality to replace the one stolen from me...but I still long for the lost one...I am happy in this life, but I would be happier still to have you in it
jesi says:
u also have said that if u will loose what u have over this u will give up the idea. for her!
jesi says:
i'm no fool
Martin Darkwolf says:
would you give up you children for me
jesi says:
i know where i stand
jesi says:
no
Martin Darkwolf says:
then I think we know where our heart truly are...with our kids, no matter what else we do they come first
jesi says:
i am giving up a new man, and four new children that i love dearly, that i have made my own.
jesi says:
u
jesi says:
know what
jesi says:
i'm
jesi says:
doing
jesi says:
her
jesi says:
now
jesi says:
i have stayed here 4 his kids
jesi says:
i know i will never c them again and that hurts 2 call me mom
Martin Darkwolf says:
if they are that important to you then by all mens stay, try to bring him back around...
jesi says:
i know that he is never gonna love me
jesi says:
after 2 yrs
Martin Darkwolf says:
but if you are only doing it for him, then let him lose his own war
jesi says:
everyday he pulls farther and farther away
jesi says:
i'm about to drop dead hes playing ball w/ them outside
jesi says:
he aint done that in months
jesi says:
i know what hes doing
jesi says:
he sees the kids interacting
jesi says:
i'm not stupid
Martin Darkwolf says:
I can not tell you what to do with the situation, I know I made a bad one worse
jesi says:
u don't know what u have done 4 me by answering me
Martin Darkwolf says:
I know you are have second thoughts about moving, and second thoughts about having made contact with me
jesi says:
u have brought a smile to a face that had grown dim
jesi says:
no
jesi says:
i would be gone in a sec
jesi says:
if the money was there
jesi says:
my second thoughts about finding u comes from cing u upset
jesi says:
i have been happier in the last wk then i was in the last few years
Martin Darkwolf says:
but i will never be able to be what you need and desrve, and that is one of the things that bothers me most, even if there was no Mary and no Anakin, I would still not be the man you need
jesi says:
bulllll
jesi says:
u are more than capible
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am everything that you really do not want in your life, and you ahve said so
jesi says:
no
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am pagan. I am bi. I am a slut
Martin Darkwolf says:
I like to have multiple partners at the same time
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am techno and metal, and very little country
Martin Darkwolf says:
I spend more time reading than I do anything else
Martin Darkwolf says:
if I am not in a book, or a fuck sandwhich, the I am gaming
jesi says:
i have told u in the beginning what i wanted u to think but that did not change things, yesssssss i know i am not being me and i know i've hidden myself 4 so long that i forgot what made me happy.
Martin Darkwolf says:
where is anything in that that you want for your kids
jesi says:
what r u trying to do run me off
jesi says:
i told u
jesi says:
i can handel alot of things just not having a woman or a nigger touch me
jesi says:
that's exactly what u r trying to do are'nt u
Martin Darkwolf says:
no, the selfish side (yes I still have one of those) wants nothing more than for you to be here and be my mistress, but the side that loves you more than anything wants you to find love that is all yours, as you deserve it to be
Martin Darkwolf says:
I want your eyes all the way open...I do not want to think that you are blind to anything
jesi says:
that is a fantasy life i do not believe in anymore. i do not believe that men these days r capible of being what i always wanted. so i am reaching for the one that made me happy
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will do my best to make you happy still
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love
Martin Darkwolf says:
you
jesi says:
i love u 2
Martin Darkwolf says:
I was not trying to run you off
jesi says:
thats what it sounds like to me
Martin Darkwolf says:
but I am not the best choice for you
Martin Darkwolf says:
just wanted you to see what I am now...not what I was
jesi says:
i do believe i already had the picture
Martin Darkwolf says:
no...I have not sent any of those yet
jesi says:
ur an ass
jesi says:
be have
jesi says:
what
jesi says:
what
jesi says:
fine sit there w/ a shit eating grin and don't tell me'
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
Martin Darkwolf says:
I was loading something very naughty
jesi says:
u bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
and I sent it to you
jesi says:
ohhhhhhh boy
jesi says:
email
Martin Darkwolf says:
yup
jesi says:
i hope
Martin Darkwolf says:
thru yahoo msg
jesi says:
im not sure yahoo is open
jesi says:
nope its not
Martin Darkwolf says:
does not matter, it is in a hold untill you open it
jesi says:
what did u send me
Martin Darkwolf says:
hold on, I need to check which one
Martin Darkwolf says:
it is a bad one...me with a cock in my mouth
jesi says:
u little slut u
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh yes I am...aneone anytime anyplace
jesi says:
and what do u think ur gonna do shock me
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes
jesi says:
don't count on it
Martin Darkwolf says:
just letting you know what I am
jesi says:
u can send anything u wish
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am just not sure that the truth of it has gotten to you
Martin Darkwolf says:
you see, you are free to tell me to bugger off at anytime, up to the moment when I take you in my arms again...then I will not let go again...ever
jesi says:
it will not change my mind, i told u as long as it does not concern a woman touching me or a black person than i can not be bothered, u might find that i would enjoy watching that.......
Martin Darkwolf says:
it is your choice
jesi says:
and knowing that i am protected i would probably enjoy being apart of it toooooo
Martin Darkwolf says:
personaly I would love to have you suck me off while I have some young stud fuck my ass
jesi says:
that would not be out of the question
jesi says:
left
jesi says:
'
jesi says:
'
jesi says:
'
Martin Darkwolf says:
or maybe to go down on you while he is buried ball deep in your pussy
jesi says:
i could handel that too
Martin Darkwolf says:
would you like me to suck his cum out of you
jesi says:
i would not mind that either
jesi says:
;
jesi says:
;
jesi says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh they are back inside I take it
jesi says:
just star
jesi says:
4 a sec asking quest
jesi says:
but she went b-room
Martin Darkwolf says:
and you are in no mood to play now, I am sorry I upset you
jesi says:
i am fine
jesi says:
i am not upset
jesi says:
intregued now
Martin Darkwolf says:
really
jesi says:
yep
Martin Darkwolf says:
kinda got you wanting to be the meat in that fuck sandwich
jesi says:
only w/ u in the back 4 now anyway
jesi says:
i don't trust many that way
Martin Darkwolf says:
how about one for each hole
jesi says:
i am willing to place trust in u
jesi says:
that perhaps has always been a fantasy i wanted but never trusted to do
Martin Darkwolf says:
I need a smoke now
jesi says:
awwwwwwwwwwwww
jesi says:
hormones raging now huh
Martin Darkwolf says:
fucking hard as a rock with my asshole twitching
jesi says:
lol
Martin Darkwolf says:
damn I need a mna right now
jesi says:
i'm gonna look in yahoo go smo;
jesi says:
;
jesi says:
;
jesi says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
Martin Darkwolf says:
;
jesi says:
that did not shock me if u can not shock me then u know i'm serious right, u r welcome to try again if u want.......
Martin Darkwolf says:
did you like
jesi says:
does not bother me
Martin Darkwolf says:
but did you like it
jesi says:
i could not c much
jesi says:
yes i find the idea intreguing
Martin Darkwolf says:
good
jesi says:
i told u
jesi says:
i am not little miss perfect
Martin Darkwolf says:
here are the rest
jesi says:
fine
jesi says:
ellie shook it
jesi says:
give me a sec let me run them off
jesi says:
r they there
Martin Darkwolf says:
I just sent them
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
im gonna stand up block screen fm window
Martin Darkwolf says:
I wish I had some of him taking my ass, but he was too big for me and had a piercing that was still real new...I will get some pics of me taking it one of these days
jesi says:
damn kids
Martin Darkwolf says:
are those better
jesi says:
just a sec im having trouble looking at 1
jesi says:
nice alter
Martin Darkwolf says:
lol
jesi says:
real nice
jesi says:
i turned screen
jesi says:
and cam
jesi says:
now u can c my face and eyes and know i'm not shocked
Martin Darkwolf is having network problems and is no longer in the conversation. The last few messages may not have been received.
Martin Darkwolf says:
no longer trying to shock...just seeing if this gets you wet
jesi says:
only one to go
jesi says:
only if i could b apart of it
Martin Darkwolf says:
I would not have minded...although he was gay..he would not have had anything to do with you
jesi says:
lol
jesi says:
fine then u gotta make better choices
jesi says:
and remember i love long hair
Martin Darkwolf says:
are you kidding. that boy knew how to suck a dick
Martin Darkwolf says:
and an ass just like a pussy
Martin Darkwolf says:
a real screamer that on
jesi says:
but if i'm gonna be involved u know what i like
Martin Darkwolf says:
where am I gonna find another me at
Martin Darkwolf says:
at the local 7-11 in the clone section
jesi says:
wellllllllllllll i dont expect another u just long hair and my taste in looks
jesi says:
i could just c me explaining to a date how i wanna take him home to play w/ my b/f
Martin Darkwolf says:
works for me
jesi says:
it would
jesi says:
i'll leave that department to u
Martin Darkwolf says:
not always...you will have to find some yourself...hell you are good at picking bi men
jesi says:
ok rub it in
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will
jesi says:
i dont do it by choice
Martin Darkwolf says:
even better
Martin Darkwolf says:
natural talent
jesi says:
bad baby bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
but you love me
jesi says:
yesssssss i do
jesi says:
more than u know
Martin Darkwolf says:
so, you will have to write me a long detailed story of what you would like your first time with 2 men to be like
jesi says:
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm that might be a toughy
jesi says:
i do believe i'd let u lead
Martin Darkwolf says:
I want something that will send me to a quiet place to relieve the prssure when I am done reading it
jesi says:
this may take some time
Martin Darkwolf says:
try
jesi says:
star says we r being bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
if you can not get your mind to come up with ideas about it, then what will you do when it happens...I do not want a rag doll in the bed with us
Martin Darkwolf says:
and I do not want you to bolt from it either
Martin Darkwolf says:
star if you were not Jesi's daughter and 7 years old I would show you bad
Martin Darkwolf says:
older that is
Martin Darkwolf says:
18 is old enough
Martin Darkwolf says:
11 and 7 years older
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is 18...legal in every state
jesi says:
i doubt i would bolt from it because i know that i am protected. i trust u and like i said for starters i want u to be the only one entering me from behind
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is not a problem
Martin Darkwolf says:
and star is not a problem because she is your daughter so lighten up
jesi says:
other than that i have had many fantasys but i'll save that for another day
Martin Darkwolf says:
really, why not today
jesi says:
well let me put it like this and dont get any ideas or i may bolt fm this one
jesi says:
god gave me two hands a pusssss and a asssssss not to mention a mouth count
Martin Darkwolf says:
that coulod be done...been part of a gang bang...it was fun
jesi says:
ohhhhhhhh lets keep that one a fantasy
Martin Darkwolf says:
line'em up round the block
jesi says:
no darling i was talking at once
Martin Darkwolf says:
sure, in sdhift of five
jesi says:
fantasy forever dear don't wanna ruin a great fantasy
jesi says:
oh what r u trying to say
Martin Darkwolf says:
what ever it takes to please
jesi says:
welllllll u please very well by urself
jesi says:
but if u need more than i am willing to most things
Martin Darkwolf says:
but I get boring after a while...only so many things I know how to do
jesi says:
baby i would be more than happy with u
Martin Darkwolf says:
do not take this the wrong way, but I get bored after a while these days
jesi says:
thats why u can roam as long as i get what i want
Martin Darkwolf says:
I think that is why Mary and I are still together, the love is strong, but we both understand that sex can get boring, if it the same thing all the time
Martin Darkwolf says:
brb
jesi says:
i am more than willing to agree w/ that. u gotta understand that ive been married 3 times and lived w/ two others each time things quit smoking in the bed room after the 1st yr
jesi says:
what
Martin Darkwolf says:
ben and jerry's
jesi says:
i must be stupid i still do not know
Martin Darkwolf says:
good ice cream
jesi says:
i love bryers black forest
Martin Darkwolf says:
this is my favorite
jesi says:
i know what u can do w/ that ice cream
Martin Darkwolf says:
to good to be used in sex
jesi says:
or what i can do while eating it
jesi says:
hay ive had popcycles on sticks there
Martin Darkwolf says:
your eyeballing my ice cream
jesi says:
nope
jesi says:
i'm on a diet
Martin Darkwolf says:
I should be
Martin Darkwolf says:
pan down
Martin Darkwolf says:
wish you were nude
jesi says:
i got my feet on a chair
Martin Darkwolf says:
would love to look at that body without any thing on it
jesi says:
only when u r w/ me in person
jesi says:
quiet
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is not fair
jesi says:
noseyness is in the room
jesi says:
never mind he is sitting on the other side he can not c
jesi says:
i turned screen
Martin Darkwolf says:
should I take off my pants for you
jesi says:
welllllllllllllllll i would love that
jesi says:
but
jesi says:
star is beside my chair
Martin Darkwolf says:
she needs to learn sometime....lol...just joking
jesi says:
bhave
jesi says:
when shes 30
Martin Darkwolf says:
would that have ever worked on you
jesi says:
hay come tie me to this chair and fuck my brains out
jesi says:
nice show
Martin Darkwolf says:
now that sound like a great idea
jesi says:
im a genie in a bottle baby
Martin Darkwolf says:
I hate that show
jesi says:
no
jesi says:
christina agalaria
Martin Darkwolf says:
no clue
jesi says:
ud like that one
Martin Darkwolf says:
I would like to see your tits again
jesi says:
with him sitting 5 ft fm me
Martin Darkwolf says:
lime green
jesi says:
it would match stars hair when ur thru
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes it would
Martin Darkwolf says:
show me your tits
jesi says:
i cant
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes
jesi says:
u know it
Martin Darkwolf says:
with him right there...watch him keel over
jesi says:
he is right in front of me on the floor
Martin Darkwolf says:
good he wont have far to fall
Martin Darkwolf says:
wus
jesi says:
baby no
jesi says:
no
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh alright
jesi says:
ill send u pictures u aint seen
Martin Darkwolf says:
with toys in them
jesi says:
nooooooooo
jesi says:
ill make u some of them when mother nature goes away
jesi says:
hopefully tomorrow he wks monday
Martin Darkwolf says:
please do...I am going to make a vidoe for you
jesi says:
i would like that
Martin Darkwolf says:
just like to watch me work it
jesi says:
i wanna feel u wk it but since i cant ill take everything i can get
Martin Darkwolf says:
care for one of me playing with a vib
jesi says:
i can only imagine what u talk about bhind my back
jesi says:
and yes i would
Martin Darkwolf says:
we talk about her skirts that she is making
jesi says:
good lighting counts too
Martin Darkwolf says:
lost me on that one
jesi says:
if ur going to make me a video make sure i can see good lighting u know
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will
jesi says:
i would love to c that one
Martin Darkwolf says:
you will
jesi says:
and then i might learn some thing i havent tryied yet
Martin Darkwolf says:
maybe I sould try to find a guy with a camera and a burner and make a movie for you
jesi says:
go 4 it
Martin Darkwolf says:
that does sound like fun too
jesi says:
oh yes matter of fact it does
Martin Darkwolf says:
that way I could mail it to you and not have to worry about the size of the file
jesi says:
fine
jesi says:
u have my address
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes i do
jesi says:
left i can not c u
Martin Darkwolf says:
maybe I could make a bit of money while I am at it...get out there to see you a bit sooner
jesi says:
u really thought i'd be thrown off by the bi thing but u never took into concideration that i might find it to be a turn on to watch
Martin Darkwolf says:
what
jesi says:
the kids r dancing
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh
jesi says:
sorry doll
Martin Darkwolf says:
no worries...just thinking about placing an ad for that movie thing
Martin Darkwolf says:
yeah I am going to go do it...keep talking, I will just need to open a browser window
jesi says:
what will mary say
jesi says:
its not like u r being toooo open w/ her about this yet
Martin Darkwolf says:
she has seen the pics...she knows that I do not like to sleep alone...and I will be using condoms..I am not hiding anything from her...I will talk to about it more when she comes home...yes slowly, but me makeing a video...that is just me
jesi says:
oh ok
Martin Darkwolf says:
done
jesi says:
oh i was just writing
Martin Darkwolf says:
writing what
jesi says:
i'll send it to u when i'm done
Martin Darkwolf says:
is it a script for my little movie
jesi says:
it may end up that way but for now i will just play it by ear
Martin Darkwolf says:
lol
Martin Darkwolf says:
I need a smoke after doing that add
jesi says:
i wanna see the add
Martin Darkwolf says:
it should be up in 48 hrs
Martin Darkwolf says:
excite, adult personal, men seeking men...phoenix area, you cannot miss it
jesi says:
ill look later
jesi says:
when alone
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok
Martin Darkwolf says:
maybe I should search some adds to see if any one else is looking for something like this
jesi says:
if u want
Martin Darkwolf says:
sooner I find someone the sooner you get to watch
jesi says:
i just keep looking up at u getting new thoughts to add to my writing
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok, i will look and you write
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
did u find something interesting
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes, he is mostly a bottom, but he has a cute ass
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
yes i think i can do this
Martin Darkwolf says:
cool
jesi says:
im just now 4 pgs into it getting into trying but i have painted a picture that i can build on
Martin Darkwolf says:
good
jesi says:
r u still reading or r u back now
Martin Darkwolf says:
moving on to the next ad
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
brb i'm sweating to death i need a new outfit and to get rid of this bra.
Martin Darkwolf says:
cool
jesi says:
6
jesi says:
6
jesi says:
6
jesi says:
6
jesi says:
6
jesi says:
66
jesi says:
hi
jesi says:
am i interumping anything
Martin Darkwolf says:
no just reading somethings
jesi says:
oh
jesi says:
i thought i was interuping something
Martin Darkwolf says:
not really
jesi says:
i will b back i need to let him use the phone company is broke down
jesi says:
brb love u
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok
Martin Darkwolf says:
love you
jesi says:
You have invited Martin Darkwolf to start using NetMeeting 3.01. Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the pending invitation.
Martin Darkwolf has accepted your invitation to start using NetMeeting 3.01.
jesi says:
hay stop 4 a min
Martin Darkwolf says:
oh thank you so much
jesi says:
im not done
Martin Darkwolf says:
what got in to you
jesi says:
everyone is out side
Martin Darkwolf says:
Ilove you
jesi says:
i love u
jesi says:
would u like to c what i'm wearing
Martin Darkwolf says:
well the guy with the cute butt is not into being top
Martin Darkwolf says:
tease
jesi says:
yep
jesi says:
what
Martin Darkwolf says:
I should cum in you hair for that one
jesi says:
u wouldn't
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes I would
jesi says:
ohhhhhhh u bad
jesi says:
at least i know now my hair wont fall out
Martin Darkwolf says:
I want to cum on your face and then on your tits, and lick it off
jesi says:
tell me have u wrote anything like ur asking of me
Martin Darkwolf says:
no, I do not think I have
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is odd
jesi says:
well then i challange u to do it 4 me
Martin Darkwolf says:
I have done lots of cyber with men...but I have not sat done and wrote a gay story
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will have to try something...it is just that with men I do not really care about their fantasies... so I have never bothered
jesi says:
u gotta figure i have not even watched this b4 sooooooooooooo
jesi says:
no i want u to write it with me in it
Martin Darkwolf says:
go get a video
jesi says:
not the same
Martin Darkwolf says:
or wait till I send you one
jesi says:
now i'd watch that
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will try..been awhile since i have wrote anything
Martin Darkwolf says:
brb
jesi says:
ok
jesi says:
it should not be too hard just imagine i'm apart of it.
Martin Darkwolf says:
food
Martin Darkwolf says:
red beans and rice
Martin Darkwolf says:
good stuff
jesi says:
creat my fantasy darling u know what i like
jesi says:
yes i agree i like it too
Martin Darkwolf says:
but am I going to have to come up with all the ideas for us
jesi says:
yesssss
jesi says:
i want u to tell me what would excite u i can tell u what i like and what i would not if i would not.
Martin Darkwolf says:
where is the fun for me...my stuff is boring to me
jesi says:
this can open up a whole new conversation
jesi says:
u're in control
jesi says:
leave out other wemon
Martin Darkwolf says:
then I guess I am not really in control
Martin Darkwolf says:
well am I
Martin Darkwolf says:
what
jesi says:
u r not bing fair on this
Martin Darkwolf says:
nor are you
jesi says:
hay i'm compremizing
Martin Darkwolf says:
how, by making me do all the work
jesi says:
no
jesi says:
i'm writing ive written 7 pgs
Martin Darkwolf says:
that I have yet to read
jesi says:
thats right
Martin Darkwolf says:
just because you have cute tits and a lickable pussy, does not mean you can worm your way out
jesi says:
it's in my head but putting in to wds is hard
jesi says:
just cute
Martin Darkwolf says:
so what do you have to say to that
Martin Darkwolf says:
thats what I thought
Martin Darkwolf says:
nothing
jesi says:
i'm still stuck by the cute thing
Martin Darkwolf says:
beautifull...is that better
jesi says:
all depends
Martin Darkwolf says:
no depends is what 60 year old pussy taste like
jesi says:
cher is on
jesi says:
old people and sex thats sick
jesi says:
ok i just lost my brain power
Martin Darkwolf says:
hay the oldest I have had was a 52 year old woman...she fucked like she was 16
jesi says:
ok thats more than i needed to know
Martin Darkwolf says:
well, I said I have changed
jesi says:
the oldest man i've been w/ was 34 when i was 19
jesi says:
ronnie is 40 oct 22
Martin Darkwolf says:
now I really want to kill him
jesi says:
why
Martin Darkwolf says:
to close to my b-day
jesi says:
lol
jesi says:
donnies was halloween
Martin Darkwolf says:
too bad he does not have a car of his own...I would have his brake lines cut
Martin Darkwolf says:
but he is dead so it does not bother me
jesi says:
ohhhh ur just jelous bcause i'm here w/ him
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes
jesi says:
so how r u gonna take knowing i'm bringing home strays there
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will make sure that the strays are of higher quality
jesi says:
how r u gonna handel walking in w/ me in bed w/ another
Martin Darkwolf says:
climb right in with you
Martin Darkwolf says:
and see if he runs
jesi says:
lets face it u r not going to be committed to me now r u and i'm sure it will not matter what i think of ur choices
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will not let you date scum
jesi says:
let me
jesi says:
let me
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes, you are my mistress first and foremost
jesi says:
i am a grown woman i will date or just plain out fuck who i want tooo
Martin Darkwolf says:
not once you are here
jesi says:
i told u if u r getting freedom so shall i
Martin Darkwolf says:
you shall never want for a man...but he will be worthy of you, none of these losers you have had since me
Martin Darkwolf says:
and he will damn sure know his place is behind me
jesi says:
oh really
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes
jesi says:
i'm not infront of her now am i
Martin Darkwolf says:
I want you to be an equal to us
Martin Darkwolf says:
I am 13 years late in taking this stance with you
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
jesi says:
i love u too
jesi says:
but it dont change things now does it
Martin Darkwolf says:
and I will not see you waste yourself on those not even good enough to lick your boots
jesi says:
i do believe it is my choice
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will not give in on this
jesi says:
neither will i
Martin Darkwolf says:
if he is a scum bag like ronnie or john or donnie, I will damn sure kick his has 9 ways to sunday
jesi says:
martin i love u i am giving into most of what u want but this is my life and i will control it
jesi says:
i know u do not like that
jesi says:
but thats how i feel
Martin Darkwolf says:
and this is how I feel
jesi says:
cher is telling gay jokes
Martin Darkwolf says:
MIL turned if off for bugs bunny
jesi says:
there was a guy that cross dressed like her
Martin Darkwolf says:
fx right
Martin Darkwolf says:
3 hour difference
jesi says:
yep
Martin Darkwolf says:
beegees are on right now
jesi says:
lol
Martin Darkwolf says:
yuck
jesi says:
cher is my hero
Martin Darkwolf says:
because of ass tatoos
jesi says:
i want one
Martin Darkwolf says:
ok...no problem...will one of my foot work
Martin Darkwolf says:
just kidding
jesi says:
i want a rose on my breast
Martin Darkwolf says:
you could fit a whole rose bush there
Martin Darkwolf says:
that is a good this
Martin Darkwolf says:
thing
jesi says:
and a set of lips on my ass
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will be happy to place mine there
jesi says:
perminate lips dear
Martin Darkwolf says:
obey me and they will be
jesi says:
no i want ones that just belong to me
Martin Darkwolf says:
then why do you want to be my mistress
jesi says:
i was talking about the lips dear
jesi says:
i'm taking the only thing u will offer me that i can live with not exactly what i want but i would have u
Martin Darkwolf says:
I think we need to talk about this more later...when we both get of hackels back down
jesi says:
now do u really wanna talk about this again???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Martin Darkwolf says:
yes...it is important...I will still be looking out for you, you maybe a mistress, but still the woman I love and the family I should have had...I will be very protective
jesi says:
i really do not c where u need to do that bcause u have others and i don't yet and may not feel comfortable 4 a while. but eventually i will and when i do i don't wanna worry what ur gonna pull out of jelousy or even dislike.
jesi says:
all that will do is make me hide what i am doing
Martin Darkwolf says:
why fight me
Martin Darkwolf says:
I lost you 13 years ago because I did not put my foot down and donnie stole you out from under me...god damn it not this time
jesi says:
i am willing to listen to ur opinion but the discission is mine.
jesi says:
i can not comment on that
Martin Darkwolf says:
look I am tired...sweet heart
jesi says:
fine
Martin Darkwolf says:
I have to work in the morn...it is the regular workday for me
jesi says:
thats fine
Martin Darkwolf says:
I do not want to end this with us mad
jesi says:
im not mad
Martin Darkwolf says:
and you are mad at me
jesi says:
im just a little disturbed
Martin Darkwolf says:
hello, look in the mirror...you are pissed
jesi says:
my mouth is sealed
Martin Darkwolf says:
great
Martin Darkwolf says:
just fucking grerat
Martin Darkwolf says:
cna I go one fucking day with out chewing shoe leather
jesi says:
i just know that u want everything ur way and even when i offer a draw u seem to find it unexceptable
jesi says:
and u r not happy
Martin Darkwolf says:
look you are right, you are a big girl and I will not get in the way of any thing you want to do
jesi says:
i will not comment on that either
Martin Darkwolf says:
this is why I wanted to talk about this later
Martin Darkwolf says:
because I saw my back going up against the wall, and that is the fastest way to bring out the pig in me
jesi says:
go ahead and go to bed i will deal w/ this on my own, i don't need to be made to feel wrong when what i'm allowing u is a choice. and that my dear is how i feel
Martin Darkwolf says:
I love you
Martin Darkwolf says:
I will be on when I get home after work
jesi says:
fine, ilove u too but, something has to give or yes i will reconcide

taken care of buisness and releasing the hurt just alittle more...

2001-10-10             1:04 a.m.

there that took enough time to copy paste into my dairy...but well worth the effort....he has pushed my heart too far and in my own defence I hav published quite a few of his letters and our conversations....at least ppl know the truth...i am no saint...but I am not pure evil like he would like everyone right now to think...stalking him SHIT!!!!! I only wanted to be apart of his life....and look where that got me...hurt!
do I hate him now...hell no...I still love him just as much as I ever did...I just hope he gets caught up in reading these entrys and finds that code of honor he was so proud of, gets off his high horse and rights the wrongs...then again i am no judge of charector...i allowed myself to become intangled into his web....
with that i will close.....
JESILYN

site meters r wonderful!

2001-10-10             1:25 a.m.

arent site meters great....u can c who views and from where, not to mention how many pages and how long they stayed.....I'm just gonna say someone is doing alot of reading!!!!! ~grins~
am I a bitch...yep and proud of it.....always said couriosity kills the cat..... maybe it will open ones eyes too.....
Jesilyn

WAHOO... FREE PUBLICITY

2001-10-10             7:56 a.m.

ok here we go....i will justify this one last time those who don't like it can kiss my ass!!!!
as 4 miss mary: only one line....thanks 4 the free publicity!!!!
I did not add a link to ur diary so no one truely knew it was u...but thats ok, u're immaturity showin there..when u added the link in ur diary u r the one who opened up to airing ur dirty laundry.... and u're opinions are no sweat off my brow, as u can c i left ur guest book entry for all to c.....mainly because I find it to be comical...I didn't write my opinions in urs that is just not my style...I have been supportive of u in urs...and would keep it that way....
you call me a stalker those who wish to view my opinion of that can refer to the last 20 entrys..(its just not worth my time to repeat myself)..and c why I was writing...matter of fact i kept those too (the letters). One day that man will realize he made a mistake, only thing is he will find it's his loss.... I do not classify staying with an over depressed woman who needs chez with her wine as productive....I do not wine I improve!!! I look at every situation as a stepping stone in life, along with something I can not change...not letting it keep me in the house until I don't know who I am....
the ass hole u refered to i'm sure is donnie stars dad...yes one of my true mistakes but a bueatiful daughter we made very smart, and head strong...a child I am proud of...you refered to birthcontrol...well darlin I planned all 4 of my children and stopped when I chose to...a goal of 4 was my dream and i forfilled it....
u said something about reproducing with a mental defect...only thing I c is a fine lookin son who will no doubtably susceed...this is what the teachers and dr's say...he is only ld....which means he learns slower but can and will learn....
as for drugs well...when u r in pain the dr gives u medication and those meds r merical workers...and a hit off a joint every blue moon has never harmed any...wont even show in a drug test because there isn't enough there....
my religion is a path of my choosing yes I atribute the whole wiccan thing to martin who gave a name to what i am...but i hav and always will b a witch...i left satanism over 10 yrs ago...and do not wish to return....i followed christianity for those first 9 yrs trying to fit into the so called normal world...being a discission that never made me truely happy...my belief in satanism was a forced issue that i was born into and have left ...so nothin further on that.... when i started researching wicca by martins example I found everything that I believed in....and that is all that matters...
(I still greatly appreciate his help there)
as for why he quit contacting I will not comment for again his words show all...and stands as proof that he convienced me and not the other way around....i feel u r just jelous of what we had and put ur foot in the middle...(everyone can read his words on that) meaning the guilt trips...
I think its a joke u proclaiming that u tried to b a friend for ur letters and conversations rest my case..u hav never tried and if u had u would hav seen that I would hav done anything 4 u
but nooooooooo.....u can rant ur bull shit else where....it's not flying here.... I wont write him or u any more not in person but i will continue to voice my thoughts here...although he is not as perfect as he once seemed...
one day he will however remove his blinders that u put on him and c what he lost (AGAIN)....after all the times he made promises and called it his honor system...now we c who stays true to their honor ME!!!!! I have continued to love and hav compassion for a man who ignored me because of a g/f who couldn't relate to him and his needs....now I am being bashed for this which is fine.....again proving who the better person is!!!!!
with that I am closing....
JESILYN

just a thought!

2001-10-10             9:06 a.m.

I got the kids to school no thans to ronnie boy am i good I fixed what he fucked up again...now to c what happens next!!! will he continue to tear up his own van in a vandictive nature...oh well..tis his fault...I'm only along 4 the ride...by the 1st I will get this car fixed and by all means strip that van of its tags and insurance and iffin he messes with me further I will throw his ass out against my nature...
Love is strange u put up w/ so much shit I sware... but these r choices that we make and I am taking responcibility for it....i take some shit but know the word defence also....
and this man is learning that too.....am I cruel no I don't think so..I am a person who will bend over backwards and stays quiet until I am backed into a corner which I do admit has been happening alot over the last few weeks...but in time this too shall pass and life will get back to normal...quite the optimist I am..
now on to the prior topic.... as I drove the kids to school...I began thinking about things and realize that this situation is a lose lose situation...who knows how long it will go on..
I do find it funny that if he feels this way and everything said is from him then he should have wrote it himself and proved it...I told him months back that I wanted him to look in my eyes and tell me so I knew it was him but noooo, this is not what it is....personally I think it is her but this is yet to b proven....he had stars in his eyes yes but love in his heart a love that he will not soon forget...with that I'm gone!!!!

lets figure out who's attacking who here.

2001-10-10             12:25 p.m.

hummmmmm....... i do believe I was attacked first and I just responded as i seen fit...this is my diary and I shall write what ever I want...as I said no one knew it was her until she responded...there r thousands of marys in this world and lord only knows how many martins...but the fact still remains she started a war she can't win...I say this because u can not hurt someone who doesn't care...I think lord ice said it best when he said that its nothing concerning her.... I made those posts as a way of opening martins eyes and showing him what his own promises were...never once did i try to harm quote unquote her... i knew he had supposably been in my diary by a guest book entry....one i deleted...
as to why I deleted it its cause I do not believe he feels this way...there were too many things he said that makes me know he holds a great deal of love 4 me and he wanted me beside him...thats what mattered to me...not what she thinks about me...
Ive said it b 4 and I'll say it again...we see who has a stronger code of honor...I hav kept my promises.....
JESILYN

a word of thanks 4 all my supporters...

2001-10-10             4:54 p.m.

I think I will take a moment to thank all my friends new and old for taking up for me like u r..It's not everyday that a person finds a family as I have found with the wpg... and etha my dear sister I know u may not agree with my path but u have been wonderful and supportive...thank u all very much... (((Huggys)))
I know many of u are wondering how I feel at this point...to be honost numb...I keep asking myself if i feel crazy yet of course the lil' voice inside says who me nah...never!!!
have u ever known that u r right yet for some reason you just can not take pride in it..well thats where i am right now...
Still thinking about this attack and everything that I am feeling...love is still floating in my heart and yet so much pain.....
I believed in love and honosty...I stand for what I believe in... sure from time to time I find that I have made mistakes don't everyone?????
with this situation I am trying to be strong and keep my beliefs infront of my pain and let the powers that may take control...not always an easy task...
I garentee I will have alot of meditation to do this evening, to clear my mind and rest.....blanketing all the hostility and negitive energy has not been easy and I am emotionally drained...tis just a faze though and it shall pass....
thanks again everyone for being beside me,infront of me and behind me...sending the vibs that I need to continue to remain calm and level headed....((huggys)))
bye bye
JESILYN

RE: Gretta's Entry in my guest book

2001-10-10             7:45 p.m.

for the infomation of the readers of this diary and my guest book...yes I had an online romance which was suppose to lead in another direction...and yes I know miss greta that u r marys sister..but let me explain somin...mine and martins talks have been more than sexual and sure there was some show and tell games but not in front of the kids...even martin wouldn't stoop so low...it is appearant that u don't know him very well and by all means i know you do not know me...what u see is what u want and that is perfectly fine with me....
I do not feel that what martin and I did was in anyway wrong minus the fact that he assumed she would understand...I warned him...but all that knows him knows he is persistant when he wants something...
we were robbed years ago, robbed of the life we should have shared together....we can not take back the past and though we may never be close in real life again...it was clear that the love was still strong...
what ever happen in his head between his last letter telling me he loved me and that we need to calm things for marys sake I have no idea...as I said b4...we made a promise to never let anyone or anything come between our friendship again. this is a promise that I kept...I told him that I would not take the 1st stop and would never believe it was him unless he looked me in the eyes...in return he said the same...as anyone can get into a persons accounts and pretend to be that person....this still hasn't happen sooooo...
why should I believe it's him...
Do I think martin is an asshole? maybe in his natural state...but, in his heart I know martin is a very loving caring guy who can flatter the heart of all he meets... I know from reading u're diary in the past that u do not care for him and thats ok everyone has the right to their own opinion...
if loving him's a crime I don't wanna be right! and one day he will know my feelings never died....
as to the way u worded his commitment to mary, martin thought that they were in an open relationship, they have spoken about bringing others in b4...its my opinion that because it was me...she got jelous...she has admitted that several times..why I have no idea but its how she feels...
I am not great almighty perfect angel but I am me...and I stand up for what I believe in...i am a survivor of life and will continue to learn as each day goes on.
I never ment to cause anyone any harm, and asked martin is he wished i had never found him...he was glad i found him, and thats enough 4 me...
I have left ur guestbook entry and do not find it insulting..even the part where u thought show and tell was infront of star...who is 11...because if I know my daughter she will speak her peace...I need not speak 4 her...
have a wonderful evening......I know I will....
JESILYN

OH darkwolf (he with no honor)

2001-10-10             10:11 p.m.

and a sheep appears in wolfs clothing...this being the same man who swore to b there...do I believe its u no! do I believe u hav been brain washed yes I do! iffin it is truely darkwolf that wrote that...my regrets r not an issue..for I have always been honost...
Donnie was very good at what he did and we now live with that...but in my opinion your sweet mary has done the same...I have done nothing but write in my own personal diary...I have not personally attacked another persons guest book as mine has been done...Just do not c a need to stoop to the level that others have done...although I am proud to say that I have friends that support me and r there 4 me..I will leave that entry so others can c what is going on..
After all It's ur loss not mine...and my honor is still intact..Is urs? NOT!!!!You are a lier and a cheat...u live by one code to creat friction...I will always love and charish the man who spoke with such kindness and respect the man who melted my heart and made me feel whole...
I am not writing u but as I said b4 If I have a notion to write about u I will...As for my friends they all have choices....I hope they will follow their hearts...I would protect them as they hav me...ur precious g/f and her family hav done nothing more than put u down...but u enjoy that treatment....Keep believing in the so called love they offer....as one person said maybe I do deserve better.....
but the fantasy was a great place to frolic....May u find peace, and happieness...and above all the code of honor you lost!!!!
JESILYN

The power of the 1st ammendment freedom of speach!

2001-10-10             11:15 p.m.

Dont u just love the power of the 1st ammendment...freedom of speach...
as for the sister of miss mary...let me tell u this!!!!!
I have an above average IQ and hav had some university schooling...I choose a form of writing that is differant and don't care about ur opinion...as for your degrades twords me...u couldn't even get my name right even though u read every entry....I am The World Famous Blazing Angel! not flamingangel! gezzzz! po'thing...
You must not hav read very well what was written because u would c that my entrys were twords Mr. King Shit himself and not her....I use that term as I hav 4 yrs....I can easily publish my letters I saved them too....and maybe I will...
He did not break things off months ago matter of fact the last letter I got he was still professing his love....and he had been out of work with her up his ass...that being said lightly...
If u look anything like I imagine well...I pitty u....matter of fact I pitty you for not having a life.... this issue is between me and martin who is a big boy , highly intellegant and capible of taking care of himself.... Just because he has been brainwashed does not mean he is anything less than he ever was.....
Most ppl attack others to make them selves feel better...is this an ego boost for you? you talked about my diary entrys and the conversations containing filth as much as u read (32 entrys) it must have given you some type of pleasure...of course u would never admit that now would u?
I'm not angry if he has lost his edge for me...hurt at his inability to b a man yes...a man would have been up front but of course this is the great martin darkprince we r talking about..he does things his way. a man who once could melt me...is now fallen prisoner of a life that will kill his soul.
you ppl act like love is a game that is to b taken lightly well, I'm sry I do not believe that way...love is a choice that I made and do not regret it...
ITS MY LIFE ITS NOW OR NEVER I AINT GONNA LIVE 4~EVER!
Jesilyn
P.S. At least I don't need cheese with my wine like some do...Boy I am an optimist....

Good Morning!

2001-10-11             7:18 a.m.

Good morning!
I can't believe that I actually got up and got that child to school to catch that charter bus.The school distric is definateley not parent or child friendly. It was cold as shit outside, ice on the windows not to mention Mom here worries about them taking her child out of the state.Oh well... I guess it's time to realize that baby girl is growing up and it won't be long before she will be all grown up. Part of childhood seperation.
I slept very peaceful last night, that is after I allowed myself to go to bed. I went in drew a nice hot bubble bath and relaxed by candle light for about thirty minuets. definately a nice way to end a day..So quiet and peaceful the kids asleep even the man of the house never adventured in to bug me. Mericals do happen lol.
Afterwards I cleaned the house, even mopped the floors. I shouldn't have much work today concerning the main rooms. Maybe now I can get the kids rooms situated. Maybe we can get the new flooring done in the kitchen, that is if that man gets up and gets on the ball. Me I'm going back to bed after these kids are in school.Maybe I will sleep til atleast 11-12... wonder what the chances are that this will happen...If I have my way It will.
Anyway it's time to get Karin up and out the door. Nothing I hate worse than sending her into the cold to wait for a bus when I am use to driving her. I will get use to that though. Anyway I will surely write more later after I take care of my pets and guild activities.
Have a wonderful day!
Jesilyn

RE: Darkwolf's letter to Etha

2001-10-11             12:54 p.m.

To The sick souls that would attack a nine year old child with a minor learning disability this is for you. CHOKE ON IT!!!! (remember the three fold rule what comes around goes around)
There has been many famous people who have susceeded in their life time who have suffered from learning disabilities and have beat the odds.Below I am listing those individuals so that the so called intellegant people can read it for themselves. It totally appalls me to think that there are such ignorant people in this world, and even worse that I have been associated with them.I can not believe that the same man who played with my children, and gained my childrens respect and admiration would pull such a ruthless destructive malicious act.
Beethoven: Composer: Was deaf when he composed his 9th symphony
Winston Churchill: had a learning disability
Edison: Had a learning disability. He couldn't read until he was twelve years old and had a very difficult time writing even when he was older.
Albert Einstein: Mathematician/Physicist: Had a learning disability and did not speak until age 3. He had a very difficult time doing math in school. It was very hard for him to express himself through writing.
Alexander Graham Bell: had a learning disability
George Patton: This World War II General had a learning disability.
Nelson Rockfeller, former Vice President: had a learning disability
Werner Von Braun: had a learning disability and often flunked his math tests in high school.
George Washington: Had a learning disability. He could barely write and had very poor grammar skills.
Other famous people who have learning disabilities: Cher, Tom Cruise, Whoopi Goldberg, Greg Louganis, Bruce Jenner, H.G. Wells
You see my dear this small petty thing that you refer to is not beyond him. He can and will susceed. One day when He makes more than you and he's the owner of his own company, holding a higher status than even the almighty Darkwolf. I give him permission to rub it in your face. You crossed the line my darling. May the god/goddess who you claim to follow will take mercy on your soul. What honor you thought you had left you definately just lost.
One last thing before I close this entry you claim to follow the wiccan rede and yet you have consistantly broken the only rule...HARM NONE! First by conviencing me you loved me, promising your undying friendship, and never meaning a word of it. Second by attacking a nine year old child who adored you. Not to mention the harm you have caused your own family. Am i being tough on you?
Well too fucking bad!!!! Get over it hotshot!!! You aren't even man enough to tell me to my face.
with that I leave you standing with your mouth wide open and your intellegance stripped
BLAZING ANGEL

So they call 20 letters in 3 1/2 months stalking....

2001-10-11             4:24 p.m.

After careful concideration I have decided to post yet a few more letters including some of the ones that I have written to him. Reason being that It has been said that I never posted the ones that I wrote. Didn't see a point in it until now. It is my opinion that wondering minds want to know what all this talk of stalking is about so I went into yahoo and looked through saved email letters and began to count. I had saved the letters that I had written so that one day If ( and I do say if) that day comes I have the proof that I tried and this time it can not be said that jesilyn walked away because I didn't without trying repeatedly. I counted twenty letters that had been written between last email contact which was on June 26, 2001 where he told me he loved me. to the recent email contact telling me to stop which happens to be the first time he had emailed me in months. although if you look back at my diary you will see where I did call him in july and he spoke very civily to me. (He didn't tell me not to call back) before I start this with the next entry I am gonna summorize the letters here by date and the number of letters sent.
I am hopeful that the whole stalking thing will drop here for you can not stalk someone who never said stop. after his 1st post in my diary (iffin in fact it was him) I never wrote him another email.......
List of emails I sent Martin
6-26-01 = 2 emails
6-27-01 = 6 emails
6-29-01 = 2 emails
7-01-01 = 1 email
7-07-01 = 1 email
7-17-01 = 1 email
8-06-01 = 2 emails
8-23-01 = 1 email
approx 10-08-01 = 1 email
then the nasty note came in telling me to stop...
so stalk this !!!! and read on iffin you were the one who said I never published anything I wrote.
If you find this offensive go away and don't return this is my diary and I will post what ever I want!!!!!
Jesilyn
P.S. I have to pick up my daughter when I return I will finish posting the letters...thanks for ur patients.

letters to and from june 25 2001

2001-10-11             8:03 p.m.

Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 15:52:52 -0700 (PDT)
From: "blazing angel_73" | Block Address | Add to Address Book
Subject: Re: still at work
To: "Martin Jarrell"
thank you.....I know what shes feeling and i understand.....I don't wanna c her hanging all over you any way.....I would however like to be kept a little more informed about things.....It bothers me the child like ways of it all, and the anger rages at times.... give me credit I have not went off half cocked and cussed her out yet and i do say yet....not that i haven't had the urge u know me....i get the urges quite easy.....I don't think she will ever b comfortable with me...she knows too much not to.......Baby I know after that night we talked and i refused control that I will always have a place with in ur heart...by the way i'm talking to her now...love ya ,
jesilyn
Martin Jarrell wrote:
Yup I am still here. To answer you question, I am
mostly getting hell for moving behind Mary's back
trying to set it up to have you out here with us. What
can I say when I set on a goal, I get big blinders on
to the rest of the world. We will get thru this. Mary
right now is scaired of you, she is not sure if you
are going to try to force her out of my life. I am
doing my best to reassure her that that will never
happen. So I am spending all my time with her. I do
love you but this is what I need to concentrate on.
Ok now you should not be feeling like a shroom.
I love you, and I miss you.
Martin

letter fm me june 26 2001

2001-10-11             8:06 p.m.

Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 00:05:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: "blazing angel_73" | Block Address | Add to Address Book
Subject: good morning my love.....
To: mjarrell@techusa.org, dkwolf13@home.com
To my darling dearest, my love,
I am unable to sleep again, as always....and been thinking about your last letter all day....trying to figure out the words for a heart felt responce........I know that you are catching hell every time you talk to me on line.... you say mainly for moving behind marys back trying to get me there...maybe you deserve it maybe you don't. im not the one to answer that because i love you too much to be honost.. it's an conflict of interest......I know that you tend to live up to a self centered, onesided opinionated image.... but in my opinion this is who you are... this is the man she and I both fell in love with...I don't believe you will ever change completely.....and I would never ask you to....I personally am tired of defending myself against people who have their set ideas of who I am....I don't care much what people think anymore..I wanna be me.....I want to be in control of my destany...of course it's hard when my destany is out of my hands, which is almost always.......
As for mary being afraid of me....I feel like this is just another barrier to keep us apart.....If we had no connections like a past or love she wouldn't mind...but we do and that makes her unable to except me as anything other than a threat.... I will never say she don't have a right to be upset,jelous, or even envious about our relationship.. and I'm sure she will continue to do what ever it takes to seperate us.........but, I also have opinions about that...just knowing you as I think I do....I think that lashing out at you will only drive you further from her.....I heard it in your voice the other night when u said u were being bitched out again....u felt trapped...the martin I know hates that feeling.......I am not trying to sway the scales in my direction...I will only sit and wait for the earth shattering kaboom that will tilt it for me....I will await the vision that I have to come true on it's own....I figure it will eventually happen.....
You are a strong willed man, egar to have attention and control....either she will be strong enough to bend or she will break away. and you will be forced to move on.....either way the stars will guide you and you will find your destany......I am not trying to sound cold and heartless just predicting, from my vision.....
I am a human with feelings and there is two sides to my heart pulling in differant directions........There is one side saying that u and mary have a son.. and u love each other...that side says for you both to work this out and compremise....keep it together.......... but, then there is the side of me that wants you more than life alone.. the side that says......yep, let it fall apart because he loves me and I will have him......jelousey and envy, and heart break all trying to envade me at the same time... I don't feel any of the emotions we are feeling even marys can be concidered wrong because a persons emotions is a mirror to their soul,,,, the one true thing that belongs to the owner........no one can take emotions away... sure they can be covered but will eventually resurface.......As long as a person don't harm intentionally it is ok......
I have been nice to her, I have been patient to the best of my ability to you...I have kept the chains of love secure around the lepoard in side me that is doing everything trying to break loose.......My love is pure and untainted, if anything happened to me I wanna know that u knew how I felt. and that u were happy......that's what I want most your happieness.......
It hurts that I am not the one who provides that right now........and I miss you so much.......I just hope no matter what happens that you will stay in touch and keep me informed. and if you change your mind about me you will let me know......with that I will colse try to respond, have a good day I hope u feel better........
love ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
jesilyn

from me june 27th 2001

2001-10-11             8:07 p.m.

Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 11:25:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: "blazing angel_73" | Block Address | Add to Address Book
Subject: some things for u to comment on........(Soon Please)
To: mjarrell@techusa.org
sweetheart these are just a few of the questions that haunt me inside, It is difficult to hold on tight when It feels like everything is comming to an end...I feel like i'm living a nightmare.....one day I am happier than I have been in ages, then the next I am empty like a cookie jar around a bunch of kids.......I know alot of my problem today is pms but, my insecurity isn't getting any better any other time either....I'm frustrated, confused, angry and hurt.......at the same time I am hopeful, optimistic and very much still in love, desiring what I I believe is my destany.... Baby I love you with all my heart and soul..... I am trying to be strong but each day that passes makes me wonder if I'm clinging to something I will never enjoy, a life that has long since left me behind.....Featuring I can't even view the light of the tunnel anymore , alone feel the rays of sunshine on my face......This is all just too much......
forever and always, jesilyn
1. how long do u expect this to continue? ( and what are u're plans)( is this what I should expect to continue
2. Has Mary even told you about the letters?( if so what has she said)
3. Does the situation eat at you like it does me?
4. Do you ever really, (be honost now) expect Mary to give in to you?
5. How do you expect me to react?
6. when r u gonna respond to the emails(you know I send stuff I want answers to)?
7. Are you gonna eventually fade off into the sunset again?

for cowbutts.

2001-10-11             8:10 p.m.

Just one line hay cowbutts do u feel better u seen some of my letters!!!!!
jesilyn

To Say The Least

2001-10-12             1:12 a.m.

look ppl I am way too tired and my life has a stronger purpose then to continue to play head games tonight....in my opinion it is you who are making things worse...you are invading my diary...casting your unwanted entrys..when I have simply maintained my space.... I read others but write in mine maybe you all should do the same!!!!!
I can understand marys bitterness about my topics but of course it is my diary as hers is hers....Etha is my best friend and though we bicker we r family...I give her credit as always for standing up for what she believes in but like most do not want to be force fed others beliefs...neither do I....I simply do not c where u bash ask 4 forgiveness and bash more...tis what I hav against cathlic ppl....(shakes head I never understood that)
I agree that there has been some pretty stupid bullshit going on..but defend my right to post in my diary what I see fit I have not and will not stoop to the level of those around me who want to go guest book bashing and I will not appoligize for the posts I have made in my diary...( and my friends were just defending my right to my own diary and my freedom to write what ever I wanted)
I will not ever agree to the statements that I have or ever will stalk my jr. high sweetheart, for until the other day he had never told me to stop writing or calling..per our agreement...
further more because I do carry a flame which happens to be much smaller due to the letter he (or some one) sent etha I will continue to believe that he has either been brainwashed or casted upon either way the man I knew would have never attacked a child... If things have changed that much I suggest ppl use extream caution when your children are around him. (still thinks that it takes a sad individual to attack a child) I mean seriously....everyone is attacking me in my guest book when none of u know me like you think you do.....
I will give mary credit in one area....sure she left a shitty message one time...but at least the woman did not repeat her garbage over and over like some ppl...and if I had been left alone I would have never published the second set of letters...I did those by request as far as I'm concerned......(not to forget a defence for my roll in all this)
If people would get off their high horses they would c just how manipulative martin has been to both me and mary....she was decieved and so was I. the proof is in the letters and conversations....I wanted his friendship he offered more....telling me over and over how it was gonna be ok...knowing that he had me caught like a worm on a hook..probably waiting to real me in close enough to fry me like he did..I wasn't even open to meetin her at first only because I knew what I would have thought if I were her...which I have shown in my letter....
After meeting her I was still very skeptical, I wondered how she could be taking things so lightly when I knew how I would have reacted...she even admitted to talking with me.even if her remarks were volgar and intense.
she admitted that there was a good side to me..exact words do not matter....if you are that interested go look at her pages...
Sure I tried to take interest especially after martin pushed the issue....and I have admitted to martin that I did like her as a friend (maybe)(possible) I asked him to give me time that it was hard for me too.....thats when he dropped contact placing the blame on marys insecuritys which I never understood mainly because I am but a face/voice on the pc where she is real and there for him...
I think also that it is a difficult situation for me because my love was genuine and all the attacks have been directed twords me when it was him who drug me that far....if he was so happy and content why was it so easy for him to creat what has happen...why was he seeking the emotional relationship he found with me? and why did he sleep with another man while she was gone...
why is all this being shoved at me when all I did was be there...they both admitted to having an open relationship at one point or another so who's to say what the hell was running thru his mind....
Etha did stress one grain of truth each and every one of us will be judged by our creator.... and from here on out unless I am again attacked I will have no need to continue this...
Everyone of you are welcome to read anything here as long as you realize that you did so by your own free will...I did not put the mouse in your hand and demand you to make your focus of the day my diary...you made that choice there fore if you do not like what you read you do not have to stay and read more...u hav the option to turn leave and not return.....it does not bother me one way or another its your life...what I do with mine is my own discission....
As far as Martin Wayne Jarrell or Dark wolf goes.... I am so glad I was weary of the move to pheonix because I know now just how deceptive you are...and my dear no amount of love can change that.....
JESILYN

It's my discission to be wiccan so quit trying to save me.....

2001-10-12             11:36 a.m.

The more I think about it the more I say to myself "Is it just me or does everyone who is not christian get slottered with unwanted pressure to reconcile with god." Is it really hurting anyone that a person chooses to follow what they believe in. What makes one religion rule over another. I do think in my own way that every thing people believe is in one way or another linked. there are many times in my life where I had to remind myself that to some people being me is a threat to their self esteem.( which happens to be the reason alot of people bash others a way to make themselves feel better) when they see a person who believes as I they see a sign on them. this sign says kick me because I am not like you...since when does being a christian give a person the right to judge another, Doesn't your faith say that you are not to judge? Oh yes i forgot Christians are not perfect they are just saved (meaning it is perfectly fine to go bashing just don't forget to pray for forgiveness) Ok if you say so .....Me personally I tend to agree with something I read today It was written by a girl who is also of a wiccan/pagan religion and here is a few of her words in a nut shell I say bravo I could have never said it better my self!
(her words)
I had to remind myself that to ppl like her I am multi-level threat. I'm an independent female, a feminist, a pagan, and pro-choice...thats how many sins I must pay for?
I know we don't all think the same, or feel the same, or believe the same thing...but when I come across such unbelieve able, close minded ness..::(insert some not so charitable words here):: people, I get so fed up. I want to stand on my chair and yell "I'm pagan and there ain't nothing you can do about it!!!!!!! (thanks girl)
Of course for me and my life you can change pagan to wiccan with some christian morals and I will wear that title proudly......I am not gonna depend on everyone else to support what I believe nor am I gonna push myself on anyone else....Live and let live, I am not wearing that save me sign so please stop trying for you only piss me off worse...... If in fact you are right and I end up in HELL I have no one else to blame...you can live with a clear conscience for I have made my choice clear....No need to fight and ruin friendships over some small difference, For if I wouldn't have stood for my beliefs then It would be just as bad as you pretend you are not christian and were denying your faith......
With that I close....Have a wonderful day!
JESILYN

my friend the anti-wiccan and karin lost 1st tooth

2001-10-13             6:43 p.m

I am so sick today....the headache I had yesterday is still lingering...surely the dr. is right about the pinched nerve...and the pain meds for the tooth only upsets my stomach even worse...making me wonder if it is worse to hurt or get sick til my stomach bleeds....
I hate these pain pills....they r much too strong.
and without the phinagain my stomach just won't take this....but without the pain pills the pain will creat heart problems because of the anxiety level....After the heart attack Aug 1 2000 I do not wish to push the issue of the heart....I've been under enough strain with the current situations to add anything else...
Last night I was being pushed by my best friend...she has it in her mind that my beliefs r gonna send me strait to hell...that she has to save me...she just can not grasp that in my faith I have chosen wicca...as my way of living and that wicca's one rule harm none covers every one of the ten commandments....and being wiccan is being human...mistakes r made and that is life....
during my discussion with her my fellow wpg members and I also talking about religion...they gave me advise to try to help but no matter what I said my friend would come back that I am wrong....So I asked her to join us hoping to get her to understand...she did and after she could not comprehend how we felt he stormed off....I had really hoped she would c that we mean her no harm....
My baby just lost her 1st tooth!!!!!! now karin is snaggle toothed lol......yahhhhh!!! She is so excited....she gets to get a visit from the tooth fairy....
Anyway back to what I was saying....she left us without ever really listening...she kept saying MY GOD or U'R GOD she just couldn't comprehend that it is our god....I dont know what I'm gonna do...she hasn't spoken to me all day and that in its self hurts....I hope she don't decide that she is gonna abandon me as her friend..because I truely love her and don't think god would want that either..
anyway I don't feel good and can't focus long on one thought so I'm gonna close c-soon....
B.A.
(this is how I'm gonna start ending with this name ty)

etha made a choice!!!!

2001-10-13             9:56 p.m.

Due to Etha's religious beliefs I have removed all of ethas links from my diary...per her request....she chooses to rid everyone who is not just like her from her life...there is nothing else I can say about that.....thats the christian way....if they arent good enough..ditch em...I'm glad I don't have to hurt my friends because of my religion cause I know God would never turn his back and say he didn't wanna be associated with me.....
some people though are just too ready to turn....
I hope this makes her happy....
B.A.
(no need for guest book entrys)

A day without a PC is a day without air!

2001-10-15             7:19 p.m.

Hear I am after a day without a pc...we think the power supply went bad in mine so I have a loaner what a bitch.... I have to go almost 3 wks with a pc that I don't like...ok so I'm complaining I could b worse...true!!!! I could b stranded with no p.c. at all.....
You really haven't missed nothing because I was so sick yesterday that I didn't even get up til 4pm ...when I did I was pissed I had no p.c. and my house was a wreck...one good thing did happen though my dougy called me on the phone he talked for over 100 minuets which made me feel special....thanks dougy at least I had u and mel to keep me company!!!!
now to another area...my friend I feel abandoned by u...matter of fact I am very let down that u would hold my religion against me...I do not agree with your beliefs but I did not remove you until you made ur demands...And you removing yourself from my site only made me that much more upset...but thats life....
I do not nor will I ever hate u...I do not see where an appology is in order for I have only voiced how hurt and abandoned I feel....these r my true emotions......You have known for months about my connection to the wiccan religion....and your links were placed on my diary after the banners for my guild....
I never wanted to loose ur friendship and I hope u realize in due time that your opinion of me is wrong...but If not know that I love you just as much as I always have....
thanks again dougy, and marg for being there last night u 2 already know how I feel about ya....
Anyway I have alot of wk to do iffin I plan to get my guild wk done tonight (((huggys)))
B.A.

life moves on

2001-10-16             7:48 p.m.

It's been an extrodenarly long day I woke up after a not so peaceful evening of dealing with mulitple teeth feeling like someone was jerking them out without novicain. to rush rush hurry hurry get the kids out the door....
after I took star and dylan to school I went back to bed slept til noon...this always makes me drag the rest of the day. I did manage to clean the house...it is amazing how dusty a country home can get everyday. after that I took a nice scolding hot bubble bath...
the smell of rasberrys left me relaxed...I love my lavender shampoo and the pink dove soap. that half an hr rest and relaxation was worth millions....after wards I dressed in my nicer clothes...never did do my hair (as normal anyway)and make up but with the spritz of purfume I ran out the door to pick up the kids....
It's horrible that I never get to smell the flowers and enjoy the day...being a single mom is alot of hard work and seldome any rest. I know that my rewards will far out do the pain...so I move forward without regret.
today I was reminded of the anguish and sorrow when I lost my mother back in 1992... a friend of mines mom died a few hrs ago and i was called for comfort I went and spent an hr there feeling speachless and very emotional....I know at a time like this everyone is pushing the better place deal when that isn't at all what a greiving person wants to hear... you start to feel alone and no amount of words can change that...you feel resentment and anger which is normal and by all means. you are feeling selfish....there is no light at the end of the tunnel. and if anyone offers a spark you tend to blow out the match...
I personally think that a person should take the time to grieve however they choose....they are in pain and they should not pretend other wise...its ok to cry...its ok to scream, its ok to tell the world to go fuck them selves...but!!!! and this is the bigger issue...u hav to show progress...u have to start getting back into your everyday events...if not...by all means its not ok...and u need to find help...
While I was there I left myself open for her to talk and did not push...I know over the next few weeks she is gonna need me...I'll be there...
Diana darling if u read this...I luvs ya girl and I am here 4 u....
with that I'll close....
B.A.

Life goes on

2001-10-17             12:17 a.m.

Feelings of numbness fill my world as everything around me continues to move....I have yet to find peace in this last week although life has taught me many lessons...
first it goes without saying that I have learned never believe in other people no matter how wrapped up in their promises you become...the feelings of security are not to be trusted...for in a brief moment everything can come crashing down on you. with me this is garenteed....so I will stop that!!! lol..sure I will until the next warm loving emotionally enclined person drifts in my life then I will again be a victom to love.... that is my story.....
second...never assume u know a person because just when u think u have figured out their charecter the story changes and the title will change with it....basically saying that ppl r seldom what they appear to be....
third... I have learned that love is something that will prevail, not ness. helping us in this lifetime but will definately help us in our next....in other words keep the love, release the pain....remember the good and leave what isn't good behind...
fourth... be willing to follow your heart, because it probably knows more than your sex drive does!!! lol that was a hard lesson.....
fifth... If it seems impossible...well it probably is....(in no way am I saying give up on dreams just use common scense)
I have no idea why this came to mind but since it did I figured it would be a good way to end the evening...
I have lost alot this week...as some of my newest friends have put it...its just a test of faith...and I am strong enough to over come this situation and many more like it...I've been told to follow my heart and not to let others get in the way of that...I feel good with that logic...as who knows me better than my own heart....
This world is full of onlookers, ppl who feel the need to justify others in their own mind...I am not going to be that way...I am gonna try my best to not judge...I realize how hard that is...but a goal never the less...
I do not know what lies ahead of this world...but I do know that when I do meet my maker I am gonna know in my heart that I was open to my own heart...I didn't walk away from what I thought was right....I will carry the burdon of all those I lost along the way and morn such loss in the way that feels natural...these losses being both of death and choice....
for loosing a friend to choice is no differant than loosing one to death in my book...either way they r gone and nothing can bring them back...that is if it is a true loss....
remorse is not a feeling beyond me...I feel inclined to say that...I feel the loss of what I thought were friends...a loss because I loved them...I do not think that what has happen will ever be fully reconsiled...even in time...as the pain and anguish that was created will haunt my life forever....abandonment was never a topic I took lightly, nor will I ever...
maybe it's because I personally would never abandon those I love...oh well...the world is not me and I not thy world...so life goes on...and so do I...

the way the ball bounces

2001-10-17             8:54 a.m.

the kids r at school and I am here wrapped in my blanket and writing in my diary which is a very good outlet for my feelings...these days I guesss my feelings change like the wind...the events of the last month hovering over my head and blowing like a breeze threw my mind.
Lately I have been unable to concentrate on any one thing for a very long time...maybe because my life is full of stress...never the less I continue to seek the right path...I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life, trying to find the person that I left behind.....
for the most I have done this but there are still many open issues and many things that I probably will never figure out.
I know for me my life changed after I moved out on my own...15, my own apartment and a vast world egar to teach me the harder lessons in life...this inevidably introduced me to a colder withdrawn personality....it was after that time that I began to focus on the needs of others and totally lost my own way.
by that I mean I looked at others and would hide my own emotions to some how save their feelings..not a good thing...it causes one to loose their own idenity... three marriages and 4 children later I found myself drained and clinging to what ever strand of hope came my way.....bringing me to Ronnie....
It's been said that I live with a man who I don't like...this was left open for interpretation...so I am in the mood to clarify....
when I met Ronnie..he was Mr. Perfect...he spoke kind words, was a hopeless romantic with a soft touch and a great scense of humor...he worked and his skills made my heart beat at uncontrollable speeds. Ronnie was an Idealist...some one who would look forward to the future with open eyes and didn't care what others thought. I was just like a school girl, in a trance and loving every minuet of it...I fell in love with him before I even knew what I was doing...
we dated for a year and then moved in together...this is when the reality sank in...the whole change....he began skipping work, drinking heavier and neglecting my needs...he quit caring how he spoke or when he spoke...his scense of romance went completely out the door...I was intangled in his web and desparately trying to regain the side of him that had withered away...
It has taken almost 2 yrs for me to loose that in love feeling...yes I love him...I love the man I feel for....I love who he was...maybe saying I don't like him would be a true statement for I severly dislike what he has become...
I would leave if I could...for my own health and emotional standing...not because I want to.....I still hope one day he will become that man I thought I found 3 yrs ago....of course the sad reality is I'm sure hes not gonna.
I moved into my own room to satisfy the need to excape. why lay next to someone who can sit there and ignore your very exsistance...speaking only to bitch and nuthin further....it is better to sleep alone as far as i'm concerned... if nothing changes and I find my way to my feet as I have done so many times before I hope the next man will have some of my qualitys....
I would want someone who is of the wiccan faith...I know good luck right for these ppl r not open most of the time....we live a very closed lifestyle because when we r out of the closet it tends to harm us.....employment is harder because most ppl r closed minded and will want to turn their backs...not to mention friends who will do the same...
I want a man who is willing to explore the sexual needs of his partener, one who can take no when i don't feel the need...some one who will get wild when I do...kind of sums it up...
I want someone who is capible of expressing themselves in writing as well as in conversation...a roll model for my children...(not a father there is a differance)
some one who will carry me iffin I fall and enjoy the best days of my life.....the strong type who can handle my tattered past with out condiming me for the choices....yes a prince charming in plain clothes would be nice....however I am beginning to believe that this type of things only happen in fairy tales...
oh well...its one of those things u win some and u loose some....is just the way the ball bounces......
LTR,
B.A.

MY P.C. IS FINE!!!!!! YIPPY!!!!!

2001-10-17             11:03 a.m.

WOW...... primetime just called...they have my pc wking!!!!! I'm so excited...I will have back all my stuff....u can bet ur sweet ass there r things that I will save on disk as soon as I get home!!!!
I still don't understand what the hell happen or why....but am very thankful that it's ok now and nothing is lost!
the on off switch wasn't working for what ever reason for those of u that didn't know and r wondering what I'm talking about....
anyway I'm cleaning out this loaner and getting ready to take it back...Now that makes me HAPPY!!!!!!!
B.A.

I'm changing my web pages

2001-10-19             5:06 p.m.

Oh yes...I am teaching myself so much....sorry I didn't write yesterday I was way too involved with my web pages....I am trying to give them a complete over haul which btw, is just so time consuming....I am starting with my home page and working my way thru my links until every page is changed...not to mention I wanna add abunch of new stuff...all this requires me to learn that much more html and other stuff...not to mention the time looking up graphics...
I guess u can say that I am satisfied with my diarys look , at least 4 now...
The shock and heartache of the last few weeks has started simmering down and life has taken on a new peaceful mode....whose to say how long that will last??? I have always said that there is always peace b4 the storm...lol....so somin is bound to happen....
the kids r all growing and adjusting to our new home quite nicely...after all they can again play outside without worring what those damn Robertsons are gonna do...the dogs can run free and there for they r getting the exercize they need along with more attention...u can't quite ignore what is under ur nose can u...lol...
Everywhere I look there is a child or a pet atleast I have more room now to move outta the way...
well ppl I'm gonna skip on over to check my pets and my guild account then back to work on my pages...I am hoping to accomplish alot over this weekend...... ~walks away humming a tune~
B.A.

where does the time go when you stay busy?

2001-10-20             1:00 a.m.

Oh my... I have worked my intire day away...it's already 1 am again...wow...time flys when you stay busy....
I have gotten a great start on changing my homepage..I even added a free for all link page where ppl can add their own links....I am hoping to get a good responce from that....I think it's helpful when you find pages link that...
I also added a comic of the day...alot of new graphics, changed my back ground among other things...next I need to add some tables and figure out how to link the new neopets picture I made so that I dont have 4 critters and all the xtra html stuff....I'll figure it out...I'm getting good...Starting to feel really confident...
I want to add poetry pages maybe I'll do that tomorrow...maybe....
Etha if you read this feel free to add all your christian sites to that link page after all I am giving you an oppertunity...u may as well take it...it's a chance for you to make your ideas known....in an area where wiccans will be visiting...not that I think that they will read much but that water you speak of is welcome to be pored there... (((huggys))) that was not said to upset you.....just to let you know that your ideas are still welcome in certain areas of my life.....I do still luv ya sis even though you have dropped contact....
well I guess I'm done here...pretty much said it all....
everyone push that lil button now that says Angel's Home.....go check out all my wk there...
B.A.

web pages and thoughts about my nephew

2001-10-21             2:34 a.m.

MM.
Today I managed to get alot done...maybe thats because I stayed outta chat more...not something I do very often...I got my bedroom clean and packed up some of the summer clothes after all wearing shorts at this time of year is asking for a frost bit tushy....
I worked strongly on my web pages to get a good start on my poetry section...I now have six of my poems done still wanna find some pictures to put on them but I'll worry about that later...first I wanna get them on line linked to my pages...
Sweetest day was a flop Ronnie and I fought and that was that...I did send out 1 card to am good friend Dougy...and had thoughts about someone special. but that was it...the romance in my life lives solely in my heart and mind...
I got to talk to my soon to b x-husbands nephew (my nephew) tonight...that poor kid has lived a life of hell and because of the lack of attention in his life he has been placed in a boys home...personally i would like to slap the jerks for that...7months of his life has been wasted and why because his mother can't get her sshit together....its sad...I'll never understand ppl...he called me needing attention and I gave it to him (as always).... we talked for almost 3 hrs...him laying his soul out...and me feeling like crap cause I'm not in Ohio to take care of him...
He wants to run away and come here to stay between mine and his uncles house...I have mixed emotions about this...after all I know he is not being cared 4 there and I fear if we turn him away that he will again turn to the streets....but at the same time iffin I was to take him in and hide him I could loose everything..I told him I would talk to my x and see what he said after all the kid would hav to stay there under the circumstances...I know my thoughts will be on what he told me all night..I know I'll fight sleep just thinking about the horrible things that has happen.
anyway it's almost 3am I know I'll b woke up earley so I guess I'll close for now...
MP.....
Blazing Angel

My boring life

2001-10-22             12:14 a.m

I am about dead after today.... I went to the storage and brought home about 30 boxes...I folded the clothes and now my nice clean house is covered in folded clothes....oh well when its done I won't hav to worry about it til spring....
other than that I really have a boring day...
so I'm not gonna write any more....
c soon
B.A.

meditation in progress

2001-10-23             9:54 p.m.

During medatation last night I spent alot of time focusing on certain problems....I found myself requesting justice and enforcement of the rede...
It is not my place to make suggestions about how this should be carried out...
I can no longer deal with the living arrangements of this house and that man... The scissor situation has brightened my view and I feel the need to seek change...
I brought these issues along with personal issues to the great divine ...
this morn when I awoke I felt well rested. my mind felt clear and to top it off I got what I believe to be a sign...
the phone rang. it was a person who had gotten my flyers (blazing angels interior truck cleaning) after months of nothing....I almost turned it away...but this feeling came over me...and I felt the urge to go....I walked away with money in my pocket and a feeling of self confidence...I am sure this will b a repeat customer and maybe a person who will spread the word about my wk. eventually maybe my dreams will become reality.
but above all I feel that change is in my close future .....
well...anyway..I am off to the candle lit bubble bath that is calling my name.....the scent of lavender....mmmmmm I can't wait.
take care....
B.A.

The endless wk of a stay at home mom.

2001-10-24             11:35 a.m.

I been hard at work this morning doing what seems to be an endless job of house work. I hav managed to collect all the laundry which by all means comes out of the wood work around here w/ 6 ppl. I hav scrubbed the tub from those gotta get into all the mud we can kids who don't know what it means to clean after them selves without being told 100 times.
I even cleaned my room...which always seems to hav something outta place..of course it wasn't me who threw my clothes all over the floor or left every drawer on the babys dressor open and messy....
I hav hung some more photos on the walls in the hall....one of these days I'm not gonna have any more space on those walls from all the pictures and plackes.
I am taking my break now as I approach my sons room which needs more dressers and a closet (of course Ronnie swares he's gonna build one of those soon,... just like he did at the last house)
life with a big family is a blessing but it is definately not easy!
I am hoping that I will get the rest done by noon...so when I drop off Ellie I can actually sit down and play with my pets and maybe read the messages on the guild....I'm crossing my fingers on that one.....
any way break is over, cig. is gone and it's time to get back to work....I often think who said mother hood and staying home would make things less hetic, because I never get to sit down like i did when I worked out side the home....lol....
C-soon

Spirituality and my family

2001-10-24             11:22 p.m

Today has been crazy, fun, yet tiring...I finished most of my house...I still hav my laundry and my living room but thats all....
I got sore and tired so I decided to work on something that I've been thinking about over the past week or so...my BOS.
I have so many Ideas for it...of course i do not (at this time) feel that is somin to post on here or even link on the web...maybe one day I'll change my mind but for now I think my privacy is more important....
I know I want the basics in it rede,symbols,my own rituals.....my spiritual communications....but creating it in real life is another story...
On wen. I'm gonna go hunting the material....hav thought about crushed velvet....but I'm not sure..All I know is i want to buy the biggest binder I can find so I don't have to remake it again.. I want to hand create it.....after all its mine and it will out live me...it will be a spiritual tool for my children when I can no longer offer my advice.... Much differant from my typical poetry , or daily journel.
I spent alot of time today researching herbal healing....(kind of feel the pull to explore that area) maybe its because this tooth ache and all the recent head aches...but what ever it is I am following....unfortunately i have found everything except what I was looking 4...I know I want the herbs and what they cure...but I want where to buy these idems in real life and what mixtures and procedures to follow. I know on this infomation super hiway it has to be here it's just finding out where....
dylan is changing schools come monday...this new teacher is great ... she is young and energetic...she shows emotion and presents herself in a very loving way....I was pleased to meet her....definately better that that damn Mrs. Knupp...who has either lost her ability to connect to the students or should hav never been an ld teacher to begin with...I am hoping for the best...after all I have been told that it is quite possible that Dylan will be able to return to normal classes if we work hard enough....
Karin got in trouble today at school 4 lying...she has been claiming things like toys, towels, among other kids stuff....not good we had a long talk about right and wrong and how if she keeps lying that her teacher will never believe her...u know the cry wolf and one day the wolf will b there and no one will listen type thing...
Ellie is all excited about trick or treat...Its been hard on me trying to explain the spiritual part of Samhain...but we r getting better...
Star is in lymbo...she is trying to decide weather or not to change schools...she has entered a new tuteral...it focuses on the childs spiritual,educational and social growth....I think its a good thing 4 her...as she needs to learn about life and all cultures...
Ronnie is still a jerk but at least he is working so I get some free time without his bitching. I sure wish i knew what his problem was...why after his divorce he changed so much..I guess some questions will forever go unsolved...it's too bad really because i know there is a romantic side to that man. I know he is talented and has a good head on his shoulders...but his heart has a very heavy oak door that has more locks than the pentagon...(sry that may hav been a bad example)
any way I guess I have rambled long enough...wish me luck on finding that info...and if u know where it is leave me a message and tell me what u know....
C~soon

Christmas eve

2001-12-25             12:09 a.m.

Well...Its that time of year again when the non believers and the believers all run to the stores to buy stuff ...I don't know but to me its all commurcialized...maybe I feel that way because I can't do my normal...but It simply doesn't feel like christmas this year...I managed to buy the kids a kereoke machine and a few small gifts a pc plus stockin stuffers....they r happy but me I wanted to do more...so its not a happy year...

I alos want to b some where else this year I wanted to go home and u c I am still in VA. away from my unkle.( yes i know i spelled that wrong).

the kids r fightin and carring on..if one isnt loosin their new stuff then one refuses to play w/ the other...life is so fun when u hav kids...and the holidays makes it that much more excitin...

I hav been spendin countless hrs on the net with my darlin and growin more and more attached everyday...he is so sweet and its like we have known each other forever... I gotta tell u what he did...first he sent me the most lovely card in the mail with the sweetest letter, then today I recieved somin that is apsolutely adorable....He sent me teddy bears...ok so it was a net flaw i was only suppose to get 1 but accidents happen now i hav 2...they r koloa bears dressed in wizard clothes and when u hug it it speaks...not just a computer voice but his voice he created it for me....it even came with a birth cirtificate...

he named it bright hope ( because of our hopes for the future) he made its b-day 12-01-01 because that was the 1st day I called him my teddy bear....it says who its to and then it says who its from....I have spent hours already huggin it...I know its a kiddy reaction but no one does things like this 4 me...and it is the only Yule or christmas gift I recieved....so u guessed it I'm in paradise....

Many of u may be wonderin where this relationship is headed...well... to b honost we are planning my move or his move which is undecided yet...1st he is savin to move out then he is gonna move then we can be together...personally i wouldnt care to move to washington and neither do the kids.....but we r playin things one day at a time....

am I rambeling...I guess I am....so I'm gonna go...I wish each and everyone of u a Blessed Holiday Season!