2004

New diary
2004-04-08             7:38 p.m.
My new diary is located at
www.true-emotions.net/blog/
enjoy!
BA
PS I don't update as much as I use to....
BA Returns To Diaryland!
2004-08-27             3:42 a.m.
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am planning to return to diaryland after Sept 20 when I get back to school. During my break I plan to write up a full report for you. This way you can know how I have been using my time since I have been gone.
I origionally left because of my desire to change by backgrounds every month; however after starting school, I soon realized that it was more time consuming then I planned. So here I am! by returning to diaryland, this also makes it possible for me to update from school during my breaks between classes.
For those who did not know I returned to college, and I am now a sophmore on the national Deans list/ Phi Thea Kapa Honors society!!!!. I have maintained a 3.5 and am hoping to get into the UW next winter.
There has been so many changes so keep a watch for the updates sometime around the end of September.
A short update
2004-08-27             6:16 p.m.

August 27, 2004

Ok. So I couldn’t wait! I
figured as long as the Internet holds out I may be able to get an entry in
before it goes poof.
Life has been quite
challenging over the last year. I started school September 2003 at Highline
Community College here in Washington. Since then I have completed several
classes. You can view the grades
(I took a screen shot). I have approximately one year left to finish my AA
degree. I was accepted into Phi Theta Kappa
which is a National Honors society based strictly on my grades. I am majoring in
Psychology and at this time I have completed several Psychology courses w/ two
left to complete. This happens to be my favorite part. My least favorite is
anything dealing with Math! I did well in my 1st course; finished w/
a 3.2 but the second started algebra (2.7) , this happens to be my weakest link
and the subject that will send me into hysteria in a second. As time goes by you
will see just how dedicated I am to my studies. I warn you; I get irate when I
don’t get a 3.5 or higher on any subject. So, take it with a grain of salt.
My love life; well lets just
say that its up in the air. David has been incarcerated for three and a half
years now. Our letters have become scarce, our visits even more so. Without a
car, I am shit out of luck when it comes to getting to Monroe to see him. This
has created a lot of internal issues. I am now considered a starving college
student. Ok so we aren’t starving, it’s just a figure of speech. I am
receiving approximately 14,000 to attend college. This pays tuition, bills, and
books. It doesn’t cover getting my car fixed. This is why I can’t get there.
The lack of communication has created a lot of self-doubt, depression, and
stress. I feel I have been letting him down. But with up to 22 hours a day spent
on studying I don’t have the time I use to. I can’t spend two hours a day
writing letters, and even when I do his depression keeps him from writing back
in a timely manner. I try not to focus on the negative issues, and I try to
remain optimistic for our future it just gets hard to do at times. Yes I still
love him just as much as I always did; it’s just scary to see the decline.
I still have Michael living
with me. We have our good days and our bad, our happy and sad. He helps with the
house, the bills, and the kids. It’s nice for the most part. We get into
arguments but it usually blows over before the days end. Yes, I love him. I just
am not willing to give up David for anyone. I’ll cover more on this issue as
time goes by. I want to give a brief over view of where life has been.
Next topics are the kids…
This can become a large topic.
Ellie is seven now. She was
home schooled last year. This year she will return to 1st grade. She
is behind. We think she has ADHD but doctors here wont try medication. Her
attention span is weak. I would spend hours just teaching her one subject. She
is still wetting the bed; the doctors again act like it’s no big deal. I wish
they would put themselves in her shoes when people are teasing her. As a parent
I can’t be there 24/7 to stop the torcher from other people. She is a loving
child. She is growing up so fast. She lost her 1st 2 teeth this week.
Karin is eight now. She is
developing at rapid speeds; both physically and behavior wise. Karin has issues
of the mouth. She tells everything she hears. She is the informer! Its MOM…
everything! Cry, bitch, and complain. She is never happy any more unless she is
fighting w/ someone. She starts 3rd grade this year. I hope she out
grows the tattling stage soon. It already causes problems around the
neighborhood, gets her into fights and has gotten her beat up a few times.
Dylan, my little man, is
hitting puberty. His voice hasn’t changed yet, but I’m sure it will soon. He
is becoming interested in girls and going places. I am trying to hold him down
better than I did Starla. When we get to her you will see why. Dylan is
interested in games, scooters, bikes, and running with friends. He will be in 6th
grade this year.
Star…. Oh my where do I
start? She is 14. She will either be in 8th again or move on to 9th.
Last year we home schooled her after her 6-week tonsillitis issues. Lets say
that she has been in more trouble than ever. She has a new BF, his name is Tyler
and lets just say that the two of them have me fit to be tied. I tried to
separate them several months ago. She ran away and this state does not have
run-away laws. In other words it is not against the law for a kid to run away!
So she did that three times, leaving me grief stricken and w/ no other choice
than to let him stay. She pushes every limit there is. Curfew, her mouth,
refuses chores… We just don’t know what to do any more. I talked to my
psychology instructor who told me to just do my best to reduce any major future
impacts. This is not easy done. She has changed so much over the past 2 years. I
barely know her anymore. I have cried, begged and gotten angry; to no avail. I
haven’t given up yet. Don’t expect I ever will. Hopefully soon she will find
her way away from the little creep. (Thinks… if this were VA then we could
bury him in back yard…
Any way lets end this
here…. Expect more later… probably closer to September.
Brightest Blessings
BA

TEMPER TANTRUM
2004-08-29             2:43 a.m.
I hate fuckin HTML!!!!!!!!!!!! *Runs off screamin & beating the PC*

Custom Creations & HTML battle
2004-08-29             4:27 a.m.
There!.... See you get results when you lose your temper once in a while. *smirk* I just spent several hours trying to modify my diary with custom designs. I used some old graphics I had from yahoo and other places in PSP and created the background. Then I made buttons in PSP. then after several hetic hours it finally looks like I wanted it to *SMILES* Let me know what you think! (Bitch...... you never called me back today!)
Utopian Experiance
2004-10-17             12:04 a.m.
This is a story I wrote concerning a recent event.... there was just no other way to write about it..... (What am I going to do??????) I think I'm goning to lose my mind!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sun was beginning to set as they pulled off to the side of the road. He walks around the van and asks if he may hug her once again. As he did, she felt as though every ounce of energy was melting from her. What he didn’t know was how attracted she actually was to him and how she had resisted the urge to ask the same from him. His long dark hair hung down his back blowing in the wind. She could not resist, she wrapping her fingers through it and began allowing her mind to wander. With a deep sigh, she peered into his eyes and quickly looked away with fear he may see her passions shining through.
He took her hand and they snuck off into the wooded area. As they strolled down the path his soft voice began to ask her questions about her life. As she spoke, she felt his hands wrap around her waist and could feel him pressed up against her. Oh if he only knew just what his touch was doing to her. With in moments he turned her towards him, looked deep in her eyes, and laid his soft lips on hers. She could feel her legs grow weak and she was sure her knees would buckle. Without fear or resistance they stood sharing this embrace and allowing nature to guide their every move.
Again they began to walk the path, through the greenery they strolled. Every so often, they would look at each other and smile softly. She spent a lot of time wondering what he was thinking and if he could tell what was going through her head. By all means she didn’t want to appear easy, but she had a load of trouble remaining lady like. The fight for emotional control began and the devil and angel danced in her ears. Repeat ably they would stop and share a moment locked in each other’s arms. With the nature all around the moment felt heavenly. She couldn’t believe this wasn’t a dream.
Along the way they found a wooden bridge that crossed an old stream. They were alone in a utopia with no one else around. They stopped and stood on the bridge again; taking each other into an embrace that was earth shattering. She could feel as his heart beat out of control as she caressed his shoulders. His lips running down her neck planting soft tender kisses as they moved.
All of a sudden her phone rang; it was her boyfriend. She thought, “Oh Shit what will I say?” She answered the phone, quickly moving the conversation along so she could return to the angel who was now sitting on the rail. She wrapped her arms around him and caressed his legs, ended the call and returned to the world she wanted to remain in forever.
The next interruption came from his phone. It was his girlfriend. A short sigh came from him as he answered the phone… She remained between his thighs and continued to hold on tight. After a few moments, she backed away and placed herself a crossed from him on the other rail. As she listened to the conversation, She wondered what was so special about herself that he would be here instead of at home waiting on her. When the call ended, he slid down and walked over standing in front of her. The prior thoughts began to melt away as her desires for him grew rapidly.
The moments they spent talking felt like hours and she would have given anything to stay there and listen to him forever. He was such the intelligent sort, with what seemed like knowledge from every area. She learned, he is three classes from his double Bachelor of Science degree. This intrigued her as someone with his status seldom ever approaches her. As the time passed by the discussions lead in many directions; each leading to a warm embrace and passionate kisses.
Eventually hands began to wander. She could feel her wetness begin; just the same he began to harden against her. His hands felt like rose petals, ever so sensual. Oh, how she had longed for someone to take her to this height of arousal. His attention was too much to bear and she began to moan softly as she ran short soft kisses up his neck. A little nibble here and there, a warm tongue in the ear, and then a lip lock that made her wetness grow.
His hand slid down, unbuttoned her jeans, and she could feel as he began to rub her already swollen clitoris. She lowered her hand to take hold of his manhood through his light tan slacks. He was ever so hard, and she wanted nothing else more than to scream, “TAKE ME, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!” But, she held tight to her silence and didn’t. In a soft-spoken voice he whispers, “You are so wet”. She said, “I know; you have made me this way,” as she smiles softly. He asked if they should find a more secluded spot, then quickly recanted the offer. He told her he didn’t want their first time to be in the woods. Part of her understood and was grateful, yet the other part screamed with desires that would be left unfulfilled. What she would not have given at that very moment to feel him inside her… and she believed with everything that he felt the same. Just before helping her fasten her jeans he licked his finger and sighed in restraint.
They began to walk back towards the van. The night was close at hand by then, and the trail was harder to see. They ventured off the path and stopped several times to enjoy the closeness of each other. Each step took them closer to what neither wanted, a step closer to separation, and away from the utopia they had experienced. He took her hand and helped her along, scooping the trail for the easiest crossing points. Just before they exited the wooded area, he took her in his arms, raised her shirt and took the nipple of her breast in his mouth. She could feel as his tongue circled and his lips tightened, and sucked. Her nipple erected and her wetness began all over again. He lowered her shirt, passionately kissed her lips and told her this gives her something further to look forward to next Thursday.
As they reached the van, they sat holding tight to one another. She wanted to badly to pull him into the back seat and allow him to take her but she was already content just experiencing what she already had. Several sensual kisses later, they pulled away into the night. As they stopped in a close by alley they again began to smother themselves in each others passion. She didn’t want to go, and it was obvious that he didn’t want her to. He went as far as saying that if she didn’t go soon he would be tempted to take her back to his house. She replied that he shouldn’t tempt her, for she may just go. As she stepped out of the van she gathered her items, along with a stuffed toy he had given her. She looked him strait in the eyes and said, “Well someone will be sleeping w/ her tonight,” and shook the woodpecker at him. He responded that he never thought he’d ever be so jealous of a pecker before. As she shut the door she said… You shouldn’t be.
To Be Continued......
"Believe"
2004-12-25             2:34 a.m.
I know it's been a while again since I have updated this diary. Lets just say that I have been busy... *GRIN*
Between getting the house back in order, spending time with one of the most special individuals I've ever met and web design... My winter break has been rather busy.
The holidays have been less than perfect but I am grateful for what we have. I mean I'm sitting in a $1000 a month townhome, we have plenty of food, the bills are more or less paid and I did really well last quarter even though I had to take a medical withdraw from my American Sign Language Class.
To make a long story short, my clutz ass was fanning myself with a book and wacked myself in the eye. I scratched my cornea and was out the rest of the week... Thats after already missing 3 weeks over my asthma and blood pressure. Yes I've been ill but I'm not dead so life goes on...
Anyway, I decided to redecorate this diary with a lovely photo that means alot to me. Why would a bratty fairy mean that much? well it's simple... A very special person purchased me a copy of it for Christmas. He said it reminded him of me...
I asked him if he was trying to tell me I had an additude..... he said no... however Sharon told me that he lied... that I do have an additude... *laughs*
Either way... I decided to show it off.
I redid the graphics and added alot of great links... For those of you who were enjoying the last entry, you can follow the story as it unfolds on the link marked Creative Fantasys. It's title is Utopian Experiance.
Basically it is a story written about the newest addition to my life. I'm not going to get started on that topic (I'll be here all night), I'll just say that it's one hell of a romantic relationship. The type of relationship that a woman prays will last forever...
I'll update more as soon as I can... For now I bid you all a good evening...
"Let's Play Catch Up"
2004-12-26             6:31 p.m.
Hi there, it's me again... Oh you already knew that didn't ya? Anyway, life here has been rather busy and I know many of you would love to know what exactly I have been up to.
So I will dedicate this post to catching up... and try to cover as much as I can.
Let's start with the kids...
Ellie is retaking 1st grade. She was extremely immature last year so I decided to hold her back. So far she is making progress. They have put her in special programs for most of the day to improve her reading and writing and math skills. She requires alot of extra attention to keep her in line. She is very hyper active.
Karin, now that is a story in it's self. She is getting ready to turn 9 and she acts just like Star. She has the preteen attitude and makes life crazy. She is constantly arguing with one of her siblings. I know it's just a stage but it's a bitch. I tend to send her to her room a lot which means she screams that everyone hates her... we don't hate her... we just don't want to put up with her acting up...
Dylan, My little man... the quiet child is emerging into his own. He just spent the last month grounded because he left the house, lied about where he was going then didn't come home til 1am... I could have beaten his ass! Instead I grounded him. Today is his 1st day out since then and here it is 7pm; way after dark and he isn't home yet.... he will be grounded again if his asses don’t get here soon. He is doing fairly well in school. 6th grade... man I can't believe he is almost a teen.
Star... my rebellious child... The BF just got out of juvie after 3 weeks. She is over there now. She left x-mas eve and now she isn't coming home again tonight. I can't wait 4 him to go to his mom's 6 hrs away! I can't stand that boy. He is a mess... She is home schooling again. She takes 1 class at the high school. But she isn't keeping up again... big surprise I know... I plan to make some really big changes come the 1st...
Now that I've covered the kids... lets cover more personal matters... "MEN"
David is still in prison, I see him when I can but not near enough to make things better. we have been writing a lil more but still nothing like we use to. I seldom get to talk to him on the phone, so I miss his voice... Communication is slacking which leads to the next male in my life...
My newest attraction... I won't disclose the name here but will say that he is amazing. He is very intelligent. He is 3 classes from a double bat degree in history and political science. We share many similarities and he is slowly stealing my heart. I have been taking things as slow as possible even though my mind wonders into the future hoping that this grows into something larger. I could see a future with this man. Besides being intelligent he is also extremely romantic. as I said yesterday, You can catch that portion under creative fantasys "Utopian Experience".
As for Michael... well he has been in the bi-polar down stage for three months. Yes he lives here but we are more like roommates instead of lovers. I think if finances were better I'd just call it quits.. I mean it's obvious that I am not happy w/ him... I just feel stuck. And he doesn't have anywhere to go if I threw him out anyway....
School... well it starts again Jan 3rd. I can't wait. All last quarter I was burned out. Now I'm back to being excited about going. You can check out my scores each quarter by clicking on my grades above on the left hand side.
Health... Well I'm alive... I suppose that is good enough...
That basically covers it.... I'll write more later...
Brightest Blessings,
"I'm tired of Tomorrow .... someone send me a crack of day light now..."
2004-12-28             2:29 a.m.

horoscope
for Tuesday, December 28:
Your usual tranquility gets a good jostling, and the fact that it's about a romantic issue doesn't help. Don't let your emotions run rampant before you digest what's happened -- it'll all make more sense tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know I hate it when these things make forcasts like this. I mean tonight I have been up over 40Hrs and I stayed up because I was desparate to spend time with Mr. "Special..." Yes I'll call him that for now...
I love my time with him. He just knows what to say to spark my interests and keep me hooked. I just wish he would get the darn email out to me that he has been promising for four weeks...
He says he sent it 4 times and yet I never received it. I know it's a deep topic letter and it has alot of content in it that he is slightly uncomfy expressing so soon, but he wrote it, and he wrote it for me and I really want to see what he was thinking during a time that we were apart. I know what I think about when we can't be together and there is that part of me that is hoping to hear that he feels the same. But he shys away from it and keeps rewriting. Makes a gal wonder if his feelings change w/ the days...or if it's just his way of putting it off.
I know there is no use in getting mad, because I know as soon as I see him or hear his voice it's over. I'll melt like a popcycle on the 4th of July; in Texas even.... This happens everytime I start getting emotional. Atleast I am getting better about shipping out the email when I write it so I can't take back my feelings... I want him to have honesty even if it is hard on me to say.
So what, I am past the falling stage... so what if people fear I'll get hurt again. I'll never get anything by hiding from my inner thoughts and emotions, after all is't that the lesson I have been learning for 4 years. I always shy away and lose what I desire most. This time I am keeping my focus and working towards the goal that for some reason seems unobtainable.
I'm just a crazy, hopeless Romantic that wants to know the truth... (If that earns me the title insane... then I'll go down in history as insane about this special man...)
"Wavering Spirit"
To: "L"
2004-12-30             4:03 a.m.

Expressive tender moments
While caressed by your embrace.
Sentimental Situations
As we stand there face to face.
Lips they part so slowly;
unwilling to express the truth inside.
I become catatonic,
as I peer into your eyes.
My mind begins to wonder;
Is this false illusions or
Could it possibly be real?
I find myself hiding
behind unspoken words
while knowing what I feel.
Should I continue to evade the truth
And pretend that things are fine.
Or should I open up to you
Placing my heart upon the line.
It’s a sweeping fear sensation
Racing through my mind.
What if it’s a fantasy and
You don’t feel the same.
I’d come out looking
naive, foolish, and ashamed.