2003

2003 I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-02-12             10:16 p.m.

thanks ya'll,
*tear* it feels wonderful to b back...
just a lil fyi, I am wking again now and still struggeling to make it in this new state. alot of things have changed in my life and i am back but wont be online 22 hrs a day...not like anyone should but hey i'm still me and still just as dedicated....
Its gonna take me a while to get caught up again and figure out what all has changed...but everything will be ok...
I will be on in the morns and late at night a few hrs here and there... I have updates to make on diarys, ppl to reach out to and many new faces to meet... not to mention my own site www.true-emotions.net i need to take care of... but believe me my heart beats strongly for the many who have supported my life thru this crazy time...
again thanks family for making me feel warm and fuzzy.....
*HUGGYS*

Brightest blessings

HI

2003-02-15             10:01 p.m.

I know many of u hav been waiting on an update, I'm sry I havn't been writing much...I promise I'll improve on that soon...life these days is quite busy and crazy...happier than I've been in a while but alot of wk yet to do...
everyday life is changing more and more...between writing shad, taking care of my family, spending time w/ mike and the kids and working I am spread really thin...but hey at least I'm back even at a minimal rate....
I'm not gonna try to write every detail but I am going to try to catch everyone up.
Keep a smile and remember no matter where u go , what u do some where some one is feeling the same as u...enjoy what u hav and experiance what u can...u never know what will happen to take it all away...
Brightest Blessings
BA

Another day in my adventurous life....

2003-02-20             10:19 p.m.

Hi everyone,
I don't know how much I am gonna write tonight but I guess everyone deserves an update on my life...lol
I spent sat- tues in bed severly sick w/ what must hav been a flu. I'm feeling some what better cept when i start coughing and still cant quit making my asthma act up...but at least I'm back at wk.
now mike has it...I tried to tell him to stay away but noooo he has to sit in my face and try to baby me..he is a real sweetie and I appreciate him taking care of me. *sigh* life is complicated where mike is concerned. I do care 4 him and alot. its not a spend the rest of my life with him kind of love . because fate has ways of fucking w/ ppl I'm not gonna say I never will or, cant or anything like that...I'll just say that for the time being the love is of differant kind...not as a friend but not as forever...
frankly I'm still very much in love w/ shad and can't nor will I let go... after being in shad's arms, feeling his kiss, his embrass his heart beat I'm deeper in love than ever. I still write I still recieve calls I still visit every chance I can which isn't nearly enough. I still dream I still yearn...but I don't wanna be alone either not that long and shad understands that.... We hav a special bond one unlike anything I hav ever felt before and all we can do is let time guide us and allow the goddess to mark our lives...Im clinging and hoping and relying on faith to pull me thru this
I dont wanna hurt any one and as selfish as I look I can't let go of either...not now...and I wont b forced by either...shad won't try he knows how unfair that would be to ask me to b alone...but michael...I know he hurts I offer his freedom, but refuse to break contact w/ shad...am I wrong? maybe..everyone has their opinions..and mine is that I have made so many wrong choices that I prefer to cling to both and see who is still there when the smoke clears...selfish yes but in my best interest due to past mistakes even more so...
other than that I'm wking...my job isnt bad if ppl leave u alone and the leads r good..I can sell granny her undies if she has $ to let go of.. but if she dont its a lost cause...thats a fact and if she wont answer her phone then I'm stuck w/ em til she does...fact again...thats what wk is like these days I hav a drawer full of grannys old undies when the grannies wont answer...no they arent a bunch of old ppl...they are aged 18- what ever but wking ppl or smart ppl w/ caller id that never answer the phone when I call..
I'd say the best part of my wk schedual is the 30 min bus 140 ride home there is a baby doll that drives it...hes tall...strong broad shoulders and georgous long waist length hair....mmmmm... no I wouldnt but I do enjoy talking to him and tend to wipe the drull off when he turns his head...lol interesting fellow and defenately great eye candy...but it shows u that my job isnt great if the best part is my ride home...lol
My guild has welkumed me back w/ open arms ... well most of them any way...some still arent talking to me ..makes me sad.. not to mention the ones I've lost for numborous reasons but not much I can do but pick up the peices and keep trying...maybe most will come home one day...and if not may peace bless their lives..I hold no more grudges cept twords my father....but hey not everything changes over nite and that probably never will....
I didnt get to tell u that my step mom asked star abunch of questions the other night...come to find out dad was in seattle closer to me that I even knew...at a truck stop he wanted to see me and the kids..I never actually heard from him even though i said it was ok...but I didnt expect it either...oh well...
any way I guess thats a good catch up to make ppl happy...BTW did u notice I finially archieved my diary entrys...took several hrs since i was half drained and messed it up...lol..but its fixed now...gotta remember how to do the html better and it won't happen like that again...
well my devoted readers I'm outta here 4 now will get more out soon..Im trying to get caught up then it will b daily again...
HUGGYS AND ETURNAL LOVE
Brightest Blessings
BA

#2 QUESTION

2003-02-22             10:25 p.m.

#2 what do u think is the meaning or purpose of life?
BA: to me the purpose of life is to make the most of everything u do. its admiring the lil things, its enjoying a song from a tiny bird or a twinkeling star in the sky. its a childs laughter and the passion of true love.
the purpose of life is to learn valuable lessons, like, life is a bueatiful dance, each action, place and thing is a way of exploring. i think the purpose of life is to feel....i think the lesson most needed is how to love...for love makes the world a nicer place.. i believe the devine put us here to find love in every situation. most important the love for ourselves, for we can't forfill loving others until we truely love ourselves...
now what do u think???
BA

isnt life grand!

2003-02-26             12:00 a.m.

today has been one of those days I sware! starting at midnight my x is here and and 1st thing he did was start drinking and running that mouth about me and david and me and michael...like its any of his biz at all.... its not really..Im not with him..I don't wanna b w/ him...he needs to b a father to his kids and leave me the fuck alone...thats a fact.basically we fought til 3am. he got michael upset and it took me forever to get him calmed down. john had told mike a bunch of shit. yes about 3 months ago Mike was on the verge of being out and yes i got scared of being on the streets w/ my kids so i talked to john about a POSSIBILITY of him comming here and moving in and being there 4 his kids...but I never wrote anything in stone and I never made any arrangements. matter of fact I even talked to david about it and we both said that me being w/ michael is better than me chancing johns unpredictability...especially since meds were all mike needed to straiten him out. its a fucked up situation... I'm working on it.
this morn i got up made breakfast and and jen picked me up to go take my drivers license exam. I flunked that son of a bitch bigger than shit! this is the 1st state ive ever been to that u hav to retake the written...me with my test anxiety I lost it and failed the damn test. nervous as hell..I hav to retake it again.. *frown* I'm suppose to try again tomorrow...if that happens..
I went to wk. and only set 4 2 resets and 2 new..I hope they wk out 4 the best.
after wk i stopped at kmart and bought towels and hair stuff and clippers to fix dylans hair...*frown* the babys cut it while he was asleep...thats BS! I ended up having to cut it off all the way.. we hav to start over w/ the length of his hair. its been 3 and 1/2 yrs since i started growing it. nothing i can do about it...honostly cant super glue it back again...
the phone rang tonight it was a frantic father of a girl star knows . looking 4 nicole...at 1st i told him i didnt know where she was, i hadnt seen her. then i sent star down to look at a neighbors house. star came back shocked. she found nicole in bed w/ some guy and an x friend of hers in bed w/ his bro...I flew down the stairs and into that apartment...NEVER KNOCKING...I told nicole to get her ass upstairs and told the other girl i didnt give a shit where she went...I called nicoles dad. and told him where she was...he said he'd pick up the girls...so i sent star to get samantha too...I cant stand that girl I cant. she is total trouble.. I never told the girls dad what I found. I told him w/in minuets after his call star seen em walking up and i flew out and forced nicole inside... Its a sad situation... he is a new single parent trying his best and failing horribly. I wish i could hav kept nicole here but she is his daughter and she needs to understand running away isnt the thing to do... they r mad at star 4 telling me but star knows that she was right..star is a smart girl we all know that...she has lived my mistakes 1st hand she knows how hard it is..she just wanted to protect her friends.
as 4 that boy...he is lucky! so lucky! I should hav told i should hav but nicole was so scared I couldnt do it...personal reasons...maybe its because of my own personal situations and my life..I mean she was there at will and prison isnt what that boy needs...what he needs is a good ass whipping! and he is lucky I didnt do it!
now I'm dead beat tired and need to finish the babys hair...damn schools around here...they keep bringing home friends...friends that i dont like, or need to deal w/ its both expensive and annoying!
I'm gonna close 4 now..
Huge huggys
BA

bowling

2003-03-04             2:06 a.m.

wow what a night, I went bowling...well me jen, mike,john, and all 4 kids....here's our scores...(dont laugh now I sucked its hard on my wrist.... gonna buy me a ball, bag, shoes and brace tomorrow...*grin*) I'm hooked!
(team 1)
mike 65 100 95
john 105 107 133 (beginners luck)
dylan 19 9 18
karin 26 34 45
(team 2)
jenny 104 87 94
starla 64 38 95 (star sprung her wrist)
Jesilyn 58 57 85 (last game ellie threw out of turn hitting a strike after I spared)
ellie 41 38 25
ellie was so cute , she'd sit on the floor and put the ball on the ground and push...big 6 lb ball...lol she got so excited over her spare and strike...and mommy, aunti and sissy was so proud ... wish i had a camera...pictures would have been nice thats 4 sure... well at least i hav the memorys...right?
I'm tired its almost 2 and my wrist is sooooo sore. every ball is either too heavy or the holes too small..can't wait to get mine then maybe things will b better...
work wasn't bad today, i was late cause we got lost in seattle looking for a job place 4 john...ppl weren't happy but I still made 3 set appointments. 4 ppl out sick today and me well I didn't wanna b there anyway... Johns check came in , he gave me 700 now bills are caught up and I feel much better...
well I'm gonna close 4 now....catch some zzzzzzzzzz's and get up earley....write more soon...love ya...
Brightest Blessings
BA

Star's Iraq essay

2003-03-16             2:19 p.m.

I could never put it better than my 13 yr old daughter who wrote this as an essay at school.... I'm very proud to call her MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she writes:
would you like it if u had to go to war with another country? killing ppl who didn't do anything to you? I don't think you would. I disagree w/ america going to war w/ Iraq and these are my 3 reasons why. even though Iraq has nukes that doesn't mean we should kill them. one of my reasons is that killing other people doesn't solve anything it just makes you just as guilty as the other person. I don't believe in it 1st of all and second of all it's wrong!
For example would u like it if you were sitting watching t.v. and then all of a sudden u get blown up for something you couldn't control? killing is so wrong!!!!!! so go to the next paragraph and find out another reason why we should not go to war w/ Iraq.
My second reason why we shouldn't go to war w/ Iraq is cause think of all the children who would die before they even get to do their dreams, they would never even get the chance to grow older! Children who's parents are killed would be orphans and they would be homeless. For example think of your own familys say you were gonna be blown up and you weren't prepared, you couldn't leave anything for your children, and you would die. your child would not only be without a parent but possibly homeless too.
The third reason I don't think we should go to war against Iraq is because war is wrong. the reason I say this is because killing is wrong, especially killing people who haven't done anything to you. this is what war does. for those of you who claim to be christian the bible says "thou shall not kill" for the wiccans of the world "do as ye will but harm none" and for the rest well karma... karma gets ya good for good and bad for bad!
Bush is killing people for the wrong reason when he takes us to war. If we're gonna go to war and kill people then it should be for all the right reasons.......
written by: Starla AGE 13

relationship blues

2003-03-16             9:09 p.m.

life these days is up and down but mostly running in a circle I just don't know whAt to think anymore. I have gotten myself into a bunch of crazieness being poly is one of those things that has always opened doors i never expected... I have David who i can't have who has held my heart and soul for over a year sitting in a place where he will be trapped for the next 8 years and nothing anyone can do about it. all the phone calls letters and visits can't supply me with what i need to survive that long. then i get involved in a relationship with michael who tries so hard to please me and spoil me...taking care of the house, laundry, kids ... jumping at my every need and for the most part tends to sweep me off my feet. I just don't know what the future holds..i mean seriously... I wouldn't feel complete w/ out David and I know that but I can't live a life alone and I have accumulated a hell of a lot of feelings for michael;... its weird sometimes i can look at michael and see a future but this is brutally interupted by visions of david... it hurts sometimes so much and i dont feel like i can talk to anyone...i hav jen and marge but i don't wanna hurt jen further and marg could never understand....never being in this situation..I guess only time will tell and I need to relax a lil...though this is kind of hard when u're in love w/ one and falling for another and scared that you'll end up alone in the long run... who knows these days...I sure the hell don't......I'll drop it 4 now ... k? write more soon...
Brightest Blessings

 news from home

2003-03-16             9:10 p.m.

got some news the other day from back home. the phone call left me very confused and worried about a man I thought would never cross my mind in such a way again. the call came from marg who told me that Ronnie was sick. yes this is the same man that many of u have heard me cuss and plead for the last 2 yrs... is sick and may have cancer of the lungs..its not a definate but the dr's think its to strong of a chance... Again theres nothing I can do about it but I do feel I am human I still remember the good times though he won't even speak to me now...he thinks I fucked him over but anyone who was there seen what happen...thats neither hear nor there...the fact is I still have feelings...no maybe being in love is no longer an option where ronnie goes but I still look at whats going on with a heavy heart...if (yes that word that seems to posess no qualitys) IF things had been differant he would of had someone who would have taken care of him...now what , he will be forced to rely on family and may end up alone 4 ever. not exactly a life I wish on anyone especially a person who still holds a special place in my heart...
Funny how life has a way of fucking it's self when u want something so much...oh well its over I suppose..I will just sit in the back ground, listen when marg tells me about the situation, call and check on him and hope that his life improves. he thinks I don't care, he thinks I'm the biggest bitch in the world...well maybe I am but I will always care what happens...
hopefully pat will let him spend xtra time w/ those kids...yes i still think about then too...i never call or write but i do think of them...so much for past dreams...why can't I just forget after all isn't my life too confusing as it is w/ out memorys of him to boot?
I'll keep u imformed...
Brightest Blessings

I AM GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-03-17             11:58 p.m.

I GOT A GOLD (diaryland)MEMBERSHIP!!!!!!!!!!
I got tired of the *U CANT POST DURING CERTAIN TIMES* and upgraded to gold..pad 6 months and well in my openion its worth it cause I am also able to back up my diary incase i wanna move it and yes I been thinking about that very very much...I don't know my time here has been inspiring and part of me wants to stay then there's the part of me that wants to move on ...if thats what I decide then this feature will make it easier to do w/ out loosing everything I created...plan ahead when u can and always back up your files just incase ... any way I also did something I started months ago I added my signature to the bottom of each entry now I never have to do more than say Brightest Blessings...lol...I'm so lazy...NOT! I love purple and this way I have my purple signature w/out the hassel of uploading it each time...I hate HTML...
Tonight I also fixed www.true-emotions.net I had so many graphics that showed lil x boxes it pissed me off so I went in to change them and fix all url's that aren't active...ppl really should click the true-emotions link and check out how the site has changed..also join the message boards we r planning some great debates...only the political and WPG area are wking 4 now my friend rosey is at wk to fix the hundreds of damaged files that some how fucked up on their own...gotta love soft ware and server issues...NOT!!! lol...any way I just wanted to document this day as the day after I became GOLD!!!!!!!
HUGGYS TO ALL
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS!!!!!

THE BROOM CLOSET DOORS CRACK OPEN

2003-03-19             2:14 a.m.

I just created a new community if u wanna join its @ http://groups.msn.com/TRUEEMOTIONS/yourwebpage.msnw
The emil debate caused big controversy and etha came up w/ that idea...its NON WPG related and is open to all rosey hadn't fixed my message board and may not 4 a while so i had to do something...and the other community was never set up right to begin w/ it should hav been true-emotions not jesilyn's family.,....
its always nice to get the family in on it when u need help...lol one things 4 sure it got the family who r now extended to talk again...well some of em...BA is always wking on ideas to get my family back to norm I HATE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!! I keep opening new roofs to try differant approches....
not easy with limited time.. everyone loves a good debate...lol I'm not sure what I'm gonna do w/ the other community...its clear that it isn't as active any more but to move it all gezzzzzzzzzz would take me 4 ever...
I wish i didnt hav to wk..i hav so many ideas for creation but so lil time....need to find a way to make money off TE...hum....money and TE in same sentance...that sounds good...lol all i can do is hope that the new community wkzs out 4 the best.
Personal life updates:
where david and mike r concerned...i only answer direct questions and mike has learned not to ask...its better that way...lol mike is bi-polar and tends to go over the deep edge where david is concerned...but 8 yrs is a long time and i refuse to cut my strings or burn my bridges w/ MY SOAL MATE. david is my life everyone knows that and no matter what I'm here 4 him...its still my intention to marry him...but mike don't need to know that..i can't make it right now alone..and as i said alot can happen in 8 yrs...so why loose the man who jumps as high as i want , watches the kids while i do everything that needs done including, visiting david and wk..and helps me in all aspects of my life. he's a good guy who takes care of me, he loves me, and I have grown very attached to him as well...I can't predict the future and I can't say never..all i can do is live my life one day at a time.....selfish maybe...but not much i can do...i cant hav who i wanted when I moved here and im to young to put off my life for 8 yrs... and who I do have trys his best to keep me happy... *shrug* only time will tell.......
BA <= is far from the once vanilla she once was...and still expermenting...lol... lets just say i hav a man here who would do just about anything to please the lil BA's interests...except b bi...(him) he jumps at my every command ..lol also have begun to open up to the more um.... bi side that has always stayed hidden...wont say who the interest is but there is definately one and neither david nor michael objects to it...
nothing has actually happen ...i say yet...but if oppertunitys became available it would...
mike says as long as its not male or takes me away i can do as i please...and david hell he'd want to join in..but doubt that would happen... life is a crazy , ever changing thing and I'm tired of the limitations... not just anything attracts my interest but the one who does already knows and a few that know are already making their moves...I'm just not ready to act on anything yet..hell i'm barely willing to admit the attraction...well...ok I'm pasted that I've admitted...to my self and a few others and now here..I guess today is the day my broom closet opens once more...lol...
update on the ronnie situation... he went 4 tests today next week they put him under and do a biopsy...I'm hoping 4 the best..thats all i can do..I havn't spoken to him..but talk to marg alot and I refuse to deny that the whole thing bothers me..I am still mixed up on weather I'm mad or not that I can't b there or that I'm pissed that if he hadn't been so stupid I would have been there...funny thing .."emotions" they can confuse the hell outta you! especially in these situations...
*shakes head*
ok enough info 4 one nite..write more later...
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS

horoscope truths

2003-03-24             11:09 p.m.

Your Daily Horoscope for March 25, 2003
Dear BA,
Your circle of friends is probably changing rapidly, JESILYN - perhaps too rapidly for your tastes. Some friends may be moving away, and different interests have caused you to form new friendships. Your life may seem to be going well right now, but you may miss your old friends and go through temporary fits of nostalgia, longing for the old days. We can't bring them back, as you well know. Focus your eyes on the future and move straight ahead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOW! thats so true! I do miss the older days and long 4 those friendships to come back......
sometimes horoscopes tell it all......
BA

another one of those horoscopes

2003-03-31             10:17 p.m.

Your Daily Horoscope for April 01, 2003
Dear JESILYN,
Your intuition is operating at a very high level, JESILYN - except where your family is concerned! No matter how hard you try, you can't seem to make sense of anything that anyone is saying, let alone what they're doing! Don't make yourself crazy over it. Ask for explanations, then, barring anything destructive or nasty, let them go their own way. Sometimes people just have to learn through their own experience.

too much stuff too lil time to write it.....

2003-04-12             10:55 p.m.

so much going on so lil time to explain not sure it will go thru anyway but lets try shall we? my pc is fucked up again...2nd time in a week..and this time i think its a virus, not sure...
its rough around here, I feel emotionally trapped and quite alone most the time..I hav one good friend here but even she can't take on everything I have bothering me.. I have rose and rav (sometimes) I hope rav is ok...sigh... and sharon is missing again... david calls 3 x's a week but its just too short to really hold a convo about problems... of course theres marg who worries like crazy about me..as always when i spread my wings to fly she is there w/ a net... thank goddess someone is.. I read her diary tonight...got a lil choked up... not that she loves me or anything...lol
remember the last few entrys when I said that I was holding back some info and openly admitted that I had bi-tendancys...well...
it happened..I crossed the line..won't say with who..and don't figure anyone will guess but I don';t regret anything either..I'm not gonna place pacifics here but it felt like a closet door opened..and I stepped thru it.. I think those I told were very surprized..I know john was he was even pissed...but hay its my life now and I could care less.. I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and add me a girlfriend to my list cause I'm not but I finially over came my fear...
marg told ronnie..he didnt believe her..oh well...people change that includes me...why does he care anyway he made his choices...I still worry about him but I know the past is better left alone ... what ever I do w/ my life now doesn't concern him anymore...
I do wish we could talk once in a while, I don't even know why... I guess couriosity kills the cat... he just don't hav the balls to talk to me... I did try once...at least i did get to talk to his kids once they sound so grown...and I hope they know I still care... they r on my mind alot... I think tomorrow is lisa's b-day....hope it goes the best possible..hope ronnie remembers to at least call her... I'd remind him if I could...oh well its not my place anymore...
I am looking 4 a new job but really wanna start school..get that psychology degree and prove the world wrong...no one knows abuse like a adult survivor... why not take the victom out of the abusive past by helping others get past it too... I hav always said the best way to get back at those who hurt u is to live and live well...and thats what I'm trying to do is live well...
I hav a nice place and the apartment is comming together really well... I do hav a job, and am self supporting I'm not getting assistance anymore...I told them to shove the food stamps and have been making it on my own again... I'm proud of that accomplishment...
things get better..I know that..Im the origional optimist...
any way thats a wrap..wish me luck that this will post...
Brightest Blessings

WHY ME??

2003-04-15             12:47 a.m.

life these days is really testing my faith as a mother and preistess.... I sware I am at my wits end...I don't know where to turn or what to do..I feel like the walls are closing in on me... I hav a 5 yr old who smeared shit on the walls a typical type of crazy thing that kids do...and now the school thinks she needs a psychiatric eval..I think she accidently got shit on her finger and panicked and wiped it on the wall...its not like it happen 50 times. gez this country has lost its fucking mind..they take our control as parents and force us to conform to their desires and then wonder why these kids go crazy... I have a 13 yr old who is doing everything she can to kill me...her mouth constantly running and two nites ago she robbed walmart..no she didnt get caught but thats besides the point..I wanted to take her there and force her to give the stuff back..but knowing walmart they would hav pressed charges...so instead I decided w/ another mother to force the girls to do community service...today they cleaned a beach at a beach house apt complex tomorrow they clean the pool to prepare it 4 this summer... then they come here clean my house and then i start trying to find some where for them to volenteer at...I was afraid to turn them in I dont want my child to get a record...but what can I do..I feel like such a fucking failure these days.. I cant stay home 24/7 I hav to wk...I hav to pay the bills I hav to take care of 4 kids by my god damn self and hope that my not being here will not perminately scar them...what ever happen to the days when mom's could stay home, when kids knew that they hav top respect theior parents..it went out the fucking door thats what happen...Im desperate..I dont want to watch my kids suffer and hurt landing in jail...or worse dead...as a parent I am lost...I was never like that..I was never that desperate...I feared jail, I feared societys view of me I didnt wanna b in trouble...yes I ran away but why? cause I was being mistreated and I broke free from sexual molestation, and physical abuse...I broke free from ppl who yelled at me, ppl who blamed me for adult discissions..ppl who only wanted to use me as a battle ax against everyone else..I wanted a true family one that would love me unconditional..I set out to create that family..I never thought about being financially stable enough..I mean material items never created happieness 4 me..I needed love..I thought that if I have kids that I would have a family that would love unconditionally.. so I have created that idea of truth and illusion...its harder than I ever imagined..and I have 4 kids to raise in a society that took my control..I sware if i talked to my mom the way these kids do me I would not hav walked again...she would have perminately broken my legs...or maybe my jaw..I sure the hell wouldnt have had teeth.... my heart pounds my tears fall as I desperately try to find a way to fix the problems they face... how can i be at two places at once..i am barely survivian on our income as it is alone if i hav to stay home....surely some where there is an answer to my questions? isnt there? I moved these kids here partially 4 the oppertunitys that the area could provide...but I am now faced w/ differant troubles...grades falling, kids acting out..knowing the problem and not being able to do anything about it...Id never give up though sometimes I wanna...I hav to fight these kids are more than worth it..they are my life they hav been apart of me almost 1/2 as long as I hav been alive...they came from my body and I gave them breath...they are my world the only thing that keeps me going...that isnt so bad its a damn good reason to wake up...its just hard sometimes to look in their lil eyes knowing that my best isnt good enough that they require more that I can physically give at times...why does everything hav to be so hard why do I hav to fight so hard for everything they deserve...I need a break I need it now/// my heart aches for peace...and by damn I know its out there...this is another idea of why I feel psychology classes would benifit me...I mean it could only help me figure out what is causeing all the pain...how to view situations in my own life and find solutions...not counting its a good career where I can help others who like me hav no where to turn...isnt that a good reason to do it....helping myself while helping others? hell I just dont know any more..... all I know is that I really need to find a way to fix this life and gain peace of mind and soon...Brightest Blessings

LIFE Isnt it ironic

2003-04-15             12:58 a.m.

Your Daily Horoscope for April 15, 2003

isnt it ironic? after I write the damn diary entry this shows up in my email....life is funny isnt it???

Dear JESILYN,
Emotional turmoil may overwhelm your usual objectivity and good sense today, JESILYN. Family problems may be weighing on your mind, as communication between you and family members may be lacking at the moment. You might not feel totally in touch with what's going on. Try to encourage them to talk to you, and if they won't, try to relax and move on. Sometimes people feel it's best to deal with their troubles on their own, and it's their choice.

another crazy day to exsist in.

2003-04-15             10:16 p.m.

yea here we go again...look at this horoscope!!!!!

Your Daily Horoscope for April 16, 2003
Dear JESILYN,
It's time to take charge of your life, JESILYN. Don't rely on other people to sort out your problems for you. There may a bit of anxiety in the air today causing you to overreact to a situation that normally wouldn't even faze you. This is when you need to dig down and take responsibility for getting yourself out of this mental or emotional jam instead of relying on other people to do it for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hav been saying this 4 how long now... basically if anything is gonna change I hav to change it myself... Im not sure how to take charge of all the things that r wrong...especially how much is wrong at once...all I know is that I hav to do somin...
the girls r on home base probation. they r doing community service and lots of xtra chores and I told them tonight they r donating all the stuff , cept the shoes to the clothing bank...and even those would go on a normal bases but they dont hav another pair...what can I do.....
Im still feeling very alone and hurt and confused...eventually this will pass..but for now...*sigh* I guess I'll live minuet by minuet...
Brightest Blessings,

A nature experiance

2003-04-20             10:44 p.m.

in a wooded area, I got out of the car,surrounded by trees and the smell of the ocean in the near distance, do u remember what that smells like? I could never forget... my mind began to wonder into total tranquility... I was close to nature... my favorite spot... We walked... me, jenny, michael, and the two babys and as we got closer to the water I could feel my heart race... I allowed my mind to open up. I looked around with wide exploring eyes at the bueaty all around me... for a moment in time I was almost satisfied... almost...
I looked up at the mighty trees, wondering if they could speak what would they say? I bet they would tell of others like myself that have been here releasing their thoughts. only the great powers that be could create such life... the wind blew and I shivered just a lil by the coolness. taking very deep breaths as I took each step.
with in moments we reached the beach area and began to walk the path to the play area... we sat at a small picnic table near by.... as we ate lunch I watched the activities around me...I noticed how life just goes on, even though I felt totally stuck in the moment...lost yet unafraid of my feelings.
after eating mike took a walk into the woods...and me and jen layed accrossed the brick wall... staring out at the ocean my mind wondered in and out as people walked by... I seen children entering the freezing water like it was mid august. they didnt even seem to mind that it was too cold 4 this activity... I seen them as they wandered the beach without their shoes and watched as the lil foot prints disappeared into the sand... I watched as they picked up rocks to watch the crabs run away to a new hiding spot.... I tried to imagine the way they felt.... but I couldn't...
I knew what I needed to do... so I began to write lil memorys about my experiances which is how I am able to recall it all now... a chicken scratched list but full of meaning...
karin and ellie joined a few of the kids in their crab adventure... I watched them laugh and play... and point and giggle... It made me smile and yet I still couldnt feel what I wanted to feel...
I got up... I climbed the wall and walked down the rocks to the beach... my shoes old and tattered. I could feel the water seep in... I reached down and lifted a rock...under it were about 50 lil crabs that rushed away... I pointed at them and giggled... I walked over to another rock and lifted it , and again tons of lil crabs raced away to a new spot... I guess I did this for a good 25 minuets each time feeling like it was a new experiance... Part of me felt bad 4 disturbing the lil creatures but another was as curious as the kids I watched doing the same thing just moments ago...
I looked out accrossed the water and admired the bueaty, despite the logs and debree floating in the near distance... I looked down and collected a few of the shells that were laying there.... I rubbed them and gentelly put them in my pocket... I noticed a heart shaped peice of wood floating... I reached down accidently getting my feet wet and decided I wanted jenny to have it.... I shook the xtra water off and walked away...
walking along the water side I noticed a clear place in the sand... instinctively I bent over and began to draw in the sand... 1st a pent then adding BA and SG... then a symbol for the gods then one of the goddess to each side... I stood back looked one last time and pushed the lump that was stuck in my throat down... again looking around , 1st up at the sky, then the trees then again to the ocean...then up at jen and the kids... I took a deep breath.... and walked back up the beach, then climbed the rocks, then over the wall...and finially over to jen who i smiled gratefully at.... I handed her the wood I had found and told her it called to me 4 her...
I sat 4 a few minuets longer looking back at the sand, but could no longer see where I had drawn as the tide was slowly washing it away... was that a sign... I dont know... Id like to think it was the powers that be telling me they took us into their hands and that we're protected... that was after all my intentions... I just never expected the tide to move in so fast... I looked up at the sky and again at the water and gave thanks....
I got up and started cleaning things up, but b4 I left I fed the left over french fries to the crows and seagulls as a way of giving back to nature what it had so grciously shared with me...
Before I left I climbed a big tree... not very far as since I got older I get frightened of heights...but enough to feel the life inside... I smiled and remembered once again what it felt like to view life in the eyes of a child...
it was a wonderful event..and yet as I walked away, to go back to the car I felt the emptiness began to surface... the pain of reality setting in... I was grateful for my experiances and tried to hold on to my hopes and dreams... and the child inside once again went into hiding.....
Brightest Blessings

"FUCKING AIM AND AOL"

2003-04-26             12:08 a.m.

to everyone who has AIM or AOL please use this name change as a FYI
today my AOL account canceled as I never really wanted it to begin with (I created it out of shean desperation to get online for 24 hrs), any way I never knew that if I had my blazingangel73 account under AIM, if I created a AOL under the same name if I canceled the new AOL account it would suspend my old AIM.... so here I am my old AIM name useless and I'm mad as all get out! "THAT WAS *MY* FUCKING ID THOSE BASTARDS TOOK!!!!!"
anyway... never use the same name 4 AIM as u hav 4 AOL or visa versa and if u do NEVER CANCEL AOL... if ur gonna cancel u better create a new AIM and transfer ur contacts b4 they shut it dn...
I had to reactivate my AOL... costing me a monthly charge and then create my new... transfer 75 names and then Ill call AOL and tell them to CRAM the damn service... never looking back... they should hav warned me...that is pure rude, lack of customer service!
OK I stop now. *KICKS HER SOAP BOX*.. concider urselfs warned...:(
if u were on my aim list please contact me via email to get my new AIM I added everyone already but u won't know where to find me if u don't c me on and u wont c me on if u havn't added me!
thanks
Brightest Blessings

IM HERE! AND ALIVE

2003-04-26             12:54 a.m.

ok ok ok, u wanted an update well here it goes...
since easter, I lost my job...thanks to their stupidity...they want u to bonus but refuse to refresh leads when needed... so there was no way to sell to answering machines...they knew that...they just fucked w. me to c how far they could push me...so now here I am looking again 4 a new job...not actually a major problem..I hav already turned down 3 jobs in the last week. I refuse to settle when I know how damn good I am... I deserve to get what I want..and my kids deserve to have their mother home in the evenings...
I hav noticed a change in them since I been home again, makes me feel a lil guilty for looking 4 wk outside the home again...but money is the root of everything and its needed to support them...though we bring in 1600 b4 I ever step out the door... I just want more 4 them then to barely get by... so I continue to look for what ever will allow me the most time w/ them.. I even thought about 3rd shift after all I would b able to b here to get them off to school then sleep then put them to bed after several hrs together... but I don't wanna b away at night either especially if karin has one of those night mares again... she would freak everyone else out...
David found out that the whole marriage thing would take about another 2 1/2 yrs to get accomplished if then, appearantly he has to face some sort of a team, and they can deny based on the fact I have kids...paper doesnt matter to me and besides that...without it theres no way for anyone to use him against me... not that they would but it could happen... I mean I know the truth and I know that this is all bull shit but he will be faced w/ the shit 4 the remainder of his life on earth... someone seriously needs to change the laws...this is 2000's now and they hav long out lived their values...
anyway I suppose thats neither here nor their unless I can become a prez or somin and Id never want to even try...ppl in politics need serious help these days...they all seem to b more attracted to the american dallor than the actual lives they affect.
to change the subject I actually took time to enjoy a great book... I love VC ANDREWS..and I read one of the last books in the dawn series...300 plus pages in about 5 hrs.... those books make me feel like completing my life story as a complete fictional series.... that would b so weird...adding differant names and recreating memories that would probably be enough to make the world change emotional states 1000 times... I don't know I often wonder if I'll ever complete that chalange.. I mean everytime i start to complete something happens and I hav to quit... it either gets really crazy here or I get all depressed or something else gets in the way... I suppose one day it will get completed just not right now... when it is I'll hav put all the peices back together in my book......and my life......
anyway, mikey is asleep on stars bed cause star is watching a movie and we cant pull out the couch to sleep yet...it would b unfair on a weekend to force them to bed....
ok im being typed to on AIM I better close 4 now...at least u got some sort of an update so hush MARG!
Brightest Blessings,

ANOTHER NEW LOOK (because I can)

2003-04-29             12:38 a.m.

well as u can c I hav been playing in here again... don't worry I saved a copy of the old HTML so I can go back when ever I want to.. I really wanted a sliding text box... for the entry... BUT! every time I tried to add it I got the paragraph break html things showing in my box... it pissed me off so after a while I gave up.... any way I'll wk on this more in the future....
what changes I done should make my load time faster... I wanna add a thanks to nevermorerose for creating the new TE banner u c to the left... I noticed she used it on another of our pages so I also used it...
as for life... well still no job but hey I havn't exactly been looking either.. so much other things to do...so lil time to do em..
I redid the kids rooms, I been cleaning since it is spring... I have been trying to figure out a way to get my stuff from VA. but no luck... so I am a lil stuck... hopefully somin will come thru soon...
the kids r calming down some cept 4 star who has shown lil progress.. teenagers I sware she'll b the death of me..LOL
anyway I guess I should close and head to bed b4 I fall asleep here...
take care u all... and let me know what u think about the new look.....
Brightest Blessings,

MEMORYS (good or bad, u choose)

2003-04-29             3:20 p.m.

funny how certain convo's can create certain feelings... I was talking to marg last night and the topic of Ronnie came up... so many mixed emotions flooded my mind...
she says he talks to his sister often about me and the kids... I don't understand why... that man only told me he loved me one time and it was a total slip of the tongue about a week or two after we got together... frankly it pissed me off a lil... if he really loved me wouldn't there have been some discussion about his feelings... NOOOOOO.... there never was....
I can remember the good times too people... i remember the trips to the beach the swimming, fishing... the trips to north carolina where we visited his kids... u know the kids i wanted to claim as my own... the kids i fought so hard to get back in his life again... the kids I'll probably never see again.... *sigh* ok so remembering the good times brings back the pain again...
I devoted 3 yrs of my life to that man... next tuesday would have been 4 (wonder if he even remembers) if he had only showed he gave a damn back then...
he thinks I'm bitter... well maybe a lil... but I'm more hurt than anything... I would have married him in a heart beat... (shut up marg b4 u even start) even u know I had sat and stared at the wedding rings several times... but those days r over...
I wonder if he even knows that I think of him.... maybe its better off that way.....
until next time....
Brightest Blessings,

A fresh New Start.....

2003-04-29             10:09 p.m.

I got a new job.....
I'm gonna b taking care of a lil older lady named audrey on monday, tuesday, thursday and friday... appearantly she takes care of herself quite a bit but she needs someone to help her, and keep her entertained... I can do this.
some of it sounds confusing but only cause when I met her daughter I wasn't at the house we met at a coffee shop and its hard to explain where things are or routins in another building...
she sounds delightful.. I can't wait til thurs to meet her and start paying attention to my new friend... keep me in your thoughts as I have never done this type of work b4... I'm trying to look at it as a really good friendship waiting to start... like somehow the goddess has given me a chance to have a new grandmother... so to speak... not that anyone could take my grand ma smiths place but u know what I mean...
the good part of this is that not only will I get to spend time w/ a really special lady but I will b making more money than I have ever made.. without breaking my brain on the phone... it will b like I was bonusing at 8 every week at 5 star security only I get to have fun, listening to her storys... I tried to estimate and b4 taxes.. (which I never pay federal) Ill gross 360 a week... thats almost 1500 a month and thats part time work...
I'll have more to write about and a fresh outlook... after all some of the things i write about will b from the eyes of an adopted grandmothers view...
I'm thanking the powers that be that jen helped me find this one... she is a wonderful friend... she said in all her years of wking w/ clients that I'm the 1st friend or person period she has refered to care 4 one of her ladys... I just hope I don't let her down.. I know that I'm gonna do everything I can....
thanks jen....
To everyone else.. I say good night....
Brightest Blessings
BA

happy happy

2003-04-30             9:37 p.m.

life is a everyday changing event. I'm excited about starting my new job tomorrow..and tired from the day I've experianced today... I ran around more today then I have in months... we went out and got the kids a bunch of clothes today... lil karin is so proud of her bright new orange dress... and dress shoes. she is twirling and prancing around... makes me feel good inside to c her so happy... and star was apsolutely thrilled w/ the velvet skirt and shirt set... she has been wanting one 4 so long... its long almost floor length w/ spagetti straps... kind of gothic..... she's growing up sooooo fast..... *sigh*
I guess they hav to grow up sometime...right? yes I'm sure of this....
I'm thinking about my friend Jenny today... she had dental surgery today... can't wait til she can talk so she can tell me herself she is ok... but 4 now I guess carolyn's call will hav to do.... I'm sure she knows that she's loved... but I like to b sure....
poor marg is having marriage problems.. I wish I could help out but everyone knows that relationships have always been my down fall.... I can only listen and tell her my opinions... this never feels like its enough... she too stays in my thoughts... wish I was closer so we could help each other irl. At least I'm here online and by phone 4 her.... I hope everything wks out soon... I hate seeing her so unhappy....
as 4 me... well I'm hopeful that life is changing for the better and that my new oppertunitys will open doors to a well deserved future.... I'm optimistic again...thats important.. no one should doubt life so much as I have these last few months....
ok I'm gonna close.....
Brightest Blessings
BA

thoughts

2003-05-03             5:44 p.m.

I just spent the last couple hours remonising (sp) the past year of my life and I must say I'm not sure how I ever made it, other than the support of my friends and family...
my interests have changed, my views have changed, I have made progress in all areas, even if someof the progress has been slow. I have learned many lessons...and have found out just how strong I can be.
I reflect back on the tears and the pain and can smile and say that certain parts are over... I learned who my friends were and thats important to me...
I started my new job on thurs, I am so pleased... audrey is apsolutely delightful. I love her storys...and feel good helping...
the walking to and from wk is rough on my feet....
ok..getting tired...write more later..
Brightest Blessings,

****** PURPLE HAIR! ****

2003-05-04             12:46 a.m.

I did it I got crazy and died my hair purple.... LOL...
well the roots r really purplish... the bottom is more like highlighted... with my dark black hair the dye is darker on my hair mid way down.. and brighter at the roots.. But I LOVE IT!!!! now I just need to redo it 1 more time to make the rest darker purple...
well...its actually whats called tropical burgandy but on me it looks purplish...
after I do it again I wanna wait 4 my bangs to get well past my chin and dye them blond... yes I know it sounds crazy for a 30 yr old woman... but hey when have I ever been typical or normal at anything....
Ill b gone all day tomorrow visiting david... once a month is never enough...but at least I get to go...
Ill update later...
*prances off in a great mood*
Brightest Blessings,

OK OK OK!!!!!! I GET THE MESSAGE!!!!!! IM UPDATING!!!!

2003-05-13             7:13 p.m.

I'm really sry ppl.. when life is as busy as mine is at this time..u hav a hard time getting to anything alone updating a diary...
lets c.. I started my new job which I think I wrote about, Im loving it... audrey is alot of fun, even if she is alot of wk.. I walk 40 min to and 40 min from wk every day..which has to b alot better 4 me than sitting on my ass! *giggles* their house is really nice and I envy it alot... hoping one day I can have somin so nice as that...
anyway let me touch bases about my walks..its a new spiritual experiance.. well ok an old on I long but forgot, the scents of the flowers in the yards change alot... the trees are bright green, some blooming some not.. but everything is so fresh and so new.. in the morning b4 traffic gets heavy i can hear the birds chirp and c the squirlls chase each other.. on my way top wk I pass a car belonging to a fellow pagan I can tell because they have 3-4 bumper stickers... it always reminds me to look around and give thanks to the bueaty around me.. I breath and walk and slip off into what seems like a totally differant world... ppl pass me and smile and most r really friendly.. they greet each other and that makes me feel good.. I pass ppl walking dogs and get to pet them its somin that seems so simple but I said b4 I'm a simple person....
lets c....
Friday my oldest , starla was jumped by 2 girls... they use to b friends..well 1st samantha slapped star... tried to walk away, when she did star grabbed her by the hair of her head and punched her in the stomach.. bringing her to her knees and starla was well on her way to defending herself.. when!!!!!! nicole jumped in... she hit star upside the back and star fell.... star was then ganged up on by both of them the best she could do was curl in a ball and protect her face... by the time they were done star was messed up.. (not severly) but yes she was hurting... she managed to board the city bus and get home when she got home she was screaming... "mommy they hurt me, they hurt me" I came naked as a jay bird out of the bath to find her crying...
I looked her over and grabbed the phone.. (still wet and barely covered on the front w/a towel) all I could think about was my kid... 1st I called the school.. no answer... then I called the 2 girls parents to let them know I was pressing charges... nicoles father toild me to do what ever I needed to do.. while samanthas mother didnt answer at 1st... my next call was to the police... we made an apt to go make a statement, and get photos of damages... in the mean time samantha called me back..telling me never to call her phone again.. I told her I wanted to speak to her mother cause Im pressing charges... she wouldnt let me and hung up.. a lil while later her mother called and told me she would press on star... then called me a bitch (my fav nick name!!!!!) i hung up on her ass w/ the words "im on the way to the police station..i dont hav time 4 ur shit"
at the police station we filed charges.. we took pics of stars
1.bruised face..(light blue bruise)
2. road burned back
3. scratched arms (fingernails)
4. scratched chest
5. and ripped shirt
6. swollen arm
for the most part these things r minor... but in reality one event of violence leads to another and thats what we hav to stop!
the cop said that sam hitting star was assult, however when sam went to walk away and star got sam..it also was concidered assult because she walked away.. BS in my book... and of course nicole jumping in was also assult.. we filed the charges knowing that 1 of 3 things could happpen..
the 2 that deserved it would b punished...
that all 3 could b punished
or the whole thing wont even go to court... sadly the police said the last was probably gonna happen...
we left not exactly satisfied but hopeful.. we should know more in 2-4 weeks...
sat... we celebrated mothers day earley.. cause I hate mothers day.. we went to a park where we had a good time.. star was still sore but over all we had alot of fun....
on sunday the girls were at carolyns making 4 a quiet mothersday.. no broken windows this year.. I had time to play neo and reflect on memorys of my own mom....
monday... a long day... I spent most the day cursing the school principles who decided to suspend all 3 girls til monday.. I went off. I appealed to the principle and when that didnt wk I contacted the distric supervisor... tomorrow we go to a differant school to enroll.. and if excepted by that principle star will no longer b concidered suspended.. she should start thursday...hopefully this will happen..I mean its appearant that the teachers and principle at the school she goes to cant control the situation so for her safty I need to move her.. and hope that she adjusts.. she isnt happy about this but what else can I do? NOTHING.. Ive tried everything I know.. Im still concidering contacting the news paper about the events hoping that the public will respond to the schools appearant mistakes...
as 4 me Im tired but doing ok.. wking hard to rebuild our lives here in this state.. I hav a good job, I hav a few great friends.. Im reconnecting w/ my spirituality there fore Im making progress... for the most part Im happy and thats better than b4...
NOW MARG AND ETHA SHOULD FEEL UPDATED!!! *:P* hope ur happy!!!!
Brightest Blessings
BA

UPDATE 4 MY BITCH!

2003-04-17             5:07 p.m.

alright, Im updating... not that much has happened this week... but when your bitch (marg) calls u and says u better update u get the message so... bitch this entry is 4 u!!!!!
NOTHING MUCH HAS HAPPENED THESE LAST FEW DAYS!!!!
(cept that star changed schools and her suspention was over turned!)
Brightest Blessings,

MEMORIES

2003-05-20             6:19 p.m.

OK!!!!!! Im gonna write about a sensitive subject..... (yes marg u know the topic) for the rest of ya..do u ever get into did cussions about people, places or things in your past that can really trigger mixed emotions? well today we're gonna discuss ronnie.... and trigger points that may remain in my life forever...
1st lets start by using the main parts of the convo between me and marg...shall we..(I am changing her name to marg in this for confinential reasons)I also deleted anything not pretaining to this topic.............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARG: R U HERE????????
BA: yes......
MARG: I HAV SUMTIN U MIGHT WANT
BA: ??????????
MARG: SUMTIN THAT WILL MAKE U THINK AGAIN
BA: ???????????????????????????????
BA: what what what????????
MARG: EMAILIN IT 2 U
BA: what the fuck is it?????
MARG: U WILL C
MARG: U WANT IT???
BA: what do u think?
MARG: YES
BA: is it an attachment?
BA: or a reg email?
MARG: NO
BA: either one...
BA: send it yahoo..what is it?
MARG: if i tell u may kill me
BA: jesus christ!
MARG: ok its sent
BA: k
MARG: did u get it
BA: trying to get into yahoo.
BA: do I need to hide this?
MARG: no
MARG: well
MARG: maybe
BA: or can i view w/ others around?
MARG: nottin dirty
BA: who is it?
MARG: ronnie
BA: doing?
MARG: sittin
BA: talking? do I need sound?
MARG: i guess not
MARG: i dont think i hav it
BA: is he talking?????
MARG: no
BA: k
MARG: watchin tv with kids
MARG: and niki doing his hair
BA: is ronnie there or somin?
MARG: yep
BA: does he know what u r doing?
MARG: evidently its a long file lols
BA: yep.... but hopefully worth it...
MARG: lols
BA: why do u say : MARG: SUMTIN THAT WILL MAKE U THINK AGAIN
MARG: i took pictures of it also
BA: what the hell would make me think again??????? Its not like the 3 words............
MARG: cause it will make u think bout the last 3 yrs
MARG: no
MARG: just cing him again i thought
BA: <= does that all the time..... not like it ever mattered to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARG: i know but i also know how u feel bout him
MARG: no matter what the hell u say
BA: I hav admitted a million times my feelings!
MARG: i know that
BA: unlike him........
MARG: but i didnt really want to send it
BA: ????????????????
BA: ur not making scense......
MARG: cause it might stir feeling up with in u
MARG: i dont know shit
MARG: just thought it wud make u cry
BA: just hearing his name does that....
MARG: and i dont want that
BA: I wasted 3 yrs of my life on a man who never loved me no matter what I did....3 yrs trying everything I knew... and he never loved me.....
BA: email the pics........
BA: where did u go?
MARG: im here
:MARG he gone now
MARG: he mayb back later
BA: ah
MARG: he want to take a bath
MARG: he with debbie now
BA: has he said anything about me since he was there??????
BA: (yes bitch u got me started again...)
MARG: he asked when u were movin back
BA: what did u tell him?
MARG: i told him u not far as i know
BA: and why the fuck is he asking not like my leaving bothered him or anything.........................
MARG: i dont know but u c y i not want to send anything to u u just get started again
MARG: old memories
BA: thats only cause he FUCKED ME over.....the wounds r still deep and love still exsists and the future is CLOSED (by his choice)..........
BA: <= big lump in throat, tightening of chest......
BA: and its not u, its the fact that he even breaths..... its the fact that I DO FUCKING CARE! its the fact that I do often think about memorys....missing old times (B4 LIFE WENT TO HELL when I still believed in mericals)
BA: okkkkkkkkkk lost u again.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well as u can c the whole subject of ronnie still fires me up... why? is the question..as I was saying in the convo above its not like he loved me or anything...I mean if he did he never told me..and its not like he is telling me now either... just seeing him reminds me of the fucked up dream I had that some day that man would love me, would make me his wife , that he would forfill my needs...and IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!! instead he tore my heart out and fed it too me...leaving me w/ memories of what we had, leaving me with screwed up thoughts about what should have been....
I tried soooo hard to please him, I tried to make him happy..and at one time he made me the happiest woman in the world...I actually believed that we were ment to b.... do u know any woman who picks paint off her boyfriend after he gets home from work? do u know many wemon who get up and make their b/f's lunch 4 wk, serves them coffee in bed?, gives them their baths for over a year????? I did it, not only did I do it I FUCKING ENJOYED IT!!!!!!How could I have been soooo stupid....
why does the mer thought of him bother me now... why does seeing the video marg sent me make me miss him that much more? I just don't understand...I don't understand why he even asked when I was comming back...is there something that no one is telling me? is there hidden thoughts? hell why do I care? I dont know anything but that I do care....
mixed emotions of love, and pain..thats where I stand... mixed emotions that only marg knows because she lived it w/ me... benifit of a doubt she use to say..until one day even she told me to move on..... How am I suppose to feel?
he won't even talk to me...thats a big rage 4 me...
we r adults, the restraining order is done... and he isn't even man enough to talk to me.... after all I did...after all I tried to give him....
FUCK IT I've raved on and on long enough.... I guess this subject will linger in my mind the rest of the night...and anytime his name appears in conversation......
*sighs* and walks away......

I applied to Highline Community College

2003-05-21             9:00 p.m.

I signed up 4 college today.. I applied online still hav to take the test and pay 20$. I hav my financial aid ap ready for when I get my pin #... cant wait but am oh so worried... I havn't been in school in almost 13 yrs or so....
Ill go fill out class scheduals next week... when I hav the cash to pay in ap fee... surely once enrolled I'll feel like I accomplished somin... I dont wanna wait another year...the baby of the house is 6 now...(well in june) its time.... its time I get this started b4 I get too old... I dont wanna die b4 I can retire...LOL
Ok well thats all I hav 4 now...

Financial aid down... now all we can do is wait!

2003-05-21             11:27 p.m.

I got my financial aid pin and completed the signature page, all I do now is wait to c what I'm elligable 4...hopefully enough to live on as I study over the next 4 yrs....(well atleast 2 yrs)
Ok, so Im getting excited again... still scared but definately looking forward to being our familys 1st college grad... just the thought makes me proud...
I'm waiting on the email from the school about my ap. and then money to pay 4 the ap...and I can take the COMPASS test for placement and reg. for my classes... still not sure if I want full or part time for the 1st sem. but hey Im on my way..... *grins w/ dignity and pride*
I'd like to thank all of those ppl out there that gave me a gental push to follow my heart and go 4 my dreams...I just hope that I add honor to ur support...THANK U! I'll keep u all informed of the progress...its gonna b a long 2-4 yrs..but well worth it....
Brightest Blessings

#3 Who Are You

2003-05-23             4:15 p.m.

remember when I said I was gonna do the lil book of big questions...well here is #3.....
Who am I?
thats a strong question. I'm a soul drifting, learning, experiancing. Trying to make it day by day. I'm joyful, kind and loving. I can be insecure, sad or even angry. I am strong willed. I'm a believer in magick. I'm a person who fights for my beliefs. I'm a friend to those who deserve it and to many who don't. I'm a person who would give my last bite of food to another in need. I'm a thinker, I'm a poet, I'm a voice. I get excited over the little things in life like a starry night, a sunset, a flowing creek. I'm a lover of nature at its worst and best. Most of all I'm a believer that the best is always yet to come.... I'm an optimist.....

COMPASS IS IN THE PAST!

2003-05-28             5:35 p.m.

I went down to the community college today and took the COMPASS test. I sat w/ my heart pounding... worried to death especially in the math part... but over all I didn't do bad... in reading Im ready 4 college courses in writing its essay time (I do like to write) in math well lets say I forgot everything I once knew and never got to other things... so we will b doing pre algebra (by choice... I could hav taken a higher one)
I go tuesday June 3rd to orentation. my plans r to sign up 4 classes as followed....
math 085 M+W 4:30-6:50p 5 credits
WRIT 091 T+TH 4:30-6:50p 5 credits
PSYCH 100 T+TH 7-9:20p 5 credits
which will make me full time from what I understand....
I hope that everything is as I'm thinking... this way I can still wk my job w/ my lil older lady recieve lots of financial aid and be better off and improve my future while I'm at it!!!!
at least the COMPASS is over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.... thanks everyone 4 the encouragement.....

keeping with the program of writing.

2003-06-04             9:49 a.m.

not a whole lot has changed since my last entry but hey my public will start bitching if I don't update soon soooooo here we go...
I am to sign up 4 classes today.. think a change in majors is in order. it looks like social wk is more of a promising carear I can still council those who need it, and yet I have a larger variety of areas I can work in. I never really thought of my self as a social worker but it appears that alot of councelors are just that.
I'm still very excited about going, and wish the time would fly faster. I am in doubt these days on weather I can handel both wk and college but we will c. I hav to find out what classes r available and what I hav to do in them. I'm not gonna sacrifice anything where my education is concerned. everyone has been so helpful and supportive. much of the confidence I have comes from the positive feed back of my closest friends and family.
John is still living w/ us and I still say I can't wait for him to get his own place. Its just too hard on me. ex-s were never ment to maintain the same living space as far as I'm concerned. he's still not wking and funds aren't exactly that high that I can easily spare feeding him..or supplying the normal ness. thyat a person needs. I have enough on my plate!
he and jen r still together I am not exactly sure of my feelings about this. I see him doing much of the same things to her as he did me. controling her. not by telling her what to do. but making her feel like shit because she does. I don't feel like its my place to step on toes but I am concerned. Jen is a wonderful friend who deserves the best and I don't think he is it. but then who am I to judge? I just don't want her to make the same mistakes I did and make her life harder... *sigh* I'll just keep her in my thoughts and send positive energy her way in hopes her life is the best it can possibly be.
the kids r still in school I think they hav another week I can't wait 4 summer. I think they all need a break and play time. maybe when the bills that formed while I was out of wk will get caught up soon and we can start doing things again... I mean I do make decent $ and should b able to do more w/ them.. even if its bus passes and parks... we will c.. maybe I can get a car soon.....
I hav been sick these last few days and havn't felt much like doing anything... I did go c david over the week end and get to go back on sat. its a natural high to b around him... he makes me feel sooo special. and complete! I hate that I can only go once a month (usually) this month I get to go 3 (YAHHHHHHH!) the bus I ride on goes the 1st sat and sun each month and usually his visitation days only fall on one of those days... but this month its both!!! and then our ann. is the 21st and I'm renting a cat to go up there and we will renew our handfasting vows. this is what we'll have to do until something else comes available... I am commited to him in every way possible even if I have someone else here. don't think I don't love mike cause I do. but its obvious from mikes actions that we will never hav a future he just can't meet my emotionsl needs.. hell her can't meet his own... its really hard to live with him these days he is on a severe rollercoaster and its been a long down slide. I just don't know how much more of his behavior I can accept... I'll keep u informed on this issue ...
ok well I suppose thats it 4 now.. I'll update again soon....
Brightest Blessings,

glasses and ring and other updates....

2003-06-13             9:08 p.m.

Im sry I havn't updated in a while but I have been so busy that I havn't had time... work work work, either around the house or at my job... when im home im dead tired and tend to relax and watch tv or serf the net to forget my hetic day... seems the last thing I wanna do is write about all the fuss... oh well anyway on w/ the update....
I recieved poems, ponderings and prayers from the pagan inside.... and spent the last hr or so typing and posting them... u can c them here....

"THE WOLF RETURNS"
"THE POT CALLS THE KETTLE BLACK" - 2003-06-13
I love to read this theorys and though the entrys were somewhat hard to write I did it...
we talked on the phone today and he thought I was jumping his shit, this is the 2nd time this week he said that... I wasn't, I was just trying to tell him something and he jumped the gun... I know what that place is doing to him and I hate it... not him of course but the place. they call prison reform but its a leach that sucks the life out of ppl... it robs the good w/ the bad... leaving a shell of what was... Im still standing by him, with out doubts or reluctance I just see all the hard wk thats ahead to keep him sain......
I picked up the claddaugh ring today its bueatiful w/ a 1/2 kt amethist in the heart part... its bueatifully designed and I'm sure he is gonna love it. june 21st will b the 1 yr annaversary of our handfasting... we plan to rededicate sinec we can't do the formal... this year we'll have the ring to link it...
I had an eye exame today... the dr said he didnt find anything wrong w/ my eyes but since I came in complaining of migrains when I read he gave me magnifying lenses... I'm not too keen w/ them but hey if they help me to be able to read longer and make the words bigger so i dont strain as much Im gonna use them.. I want really high grades when I go back to school this fall...
well I suppose thats all I have 4 now.. Im tired and mother nature is kicking my ass as we speak so Im gonna close 4 now... take care and Ill write more as soon as I can....
Brightest Blessings

hetic week

2003-03-22             11:01 p.m.

I am sry, I havn't been here lately I hav had so much going on in my life. I lost that great job I was so excited about and that has put great strain on my life. I had 3 teeth pulled last wed. and have been on meds which make my system scream.... I get 6 more out on Friday... garenteed to be the same problems... but the good thing is after that I get a plate on the top and can tell the bastards to hurt else where they won't hurt my mouth anymore.. instead they will b purty and the world will never have to know by looking at me that they were ever bad in the 1st place..*grin* and the love ones in my life won't c me toothless either , yuck, I don't even wanna think of me like that...
on sat, I went to c david and spend the summer solitance w/ him after all its our annaversary of our handfasting and I wanted to renew those vows.. it didnt go exactly as expected but it was nice, no I do not plan to ever turn my back on him... I hope ppl out there aren't standing on their heads waiting on that! we had long talks about what he is going thru and talks about future events and faith that these things can still happen. he is so sensitive these days and I can understand why, thats why I'm not going nutz that sat. wasn't as romantic as I had hoped.. better or worse... well this is pretty bad but we'll c better days. he did put the new ring on my finger where it belonged. I had moved it to my pinky so he could... I know he was sad he didnt actually go out and buy it but to me I was happy just having him put it on...its a commitment thing u know......
today me and mike and ellie and karin tried to go to our 1st pagan group but because I dont know the area I got lost several times and well... we got there as it was almost over.. we wasnt about to let this ruin our day so we just left and wen't to a beach side to picnic together... I wasn't able to consentrate on alot.. my mind wandered to other lands and I was not very secure w/ the events... I did enjoy when I walked the beach and touched the water.. sand in my toes and writing as always accrossed the beach.... but today my mind drifted unconsolably.. better luck next time...
right now I'm tired I just typed 6 pages 4 davids diary to update his situation 4 the public u can view it at the following links...
"LETS PLAY CATCH UP, U MISSED ALOT"
anyway I'm outta here 4 tonight , have a good week... Im gonna try.....
Brightest Blessings,

I'm Feeling Dom-Like Today....LOL

2003-06-26             6:13 p.m.

I got a wild hair up my ass today and decided to recreate my diary look... I hope u like it and if u don't well.... rest assure I won't have it like this long... I have been on a creative streak and wanted to try out all my new programs... let me know what u think, how fast it loads and all that good garb. I actually am proud of my wk.
Karen and anyone else who had trouble viewing the link to shads diary... its:
http://paganinside.diaryland.com I'm sry 4 the inconvience....
ok well I am on a creative streak... so have a good day...
Brightest Blessings,

DENTAL SURGERY.... OWWWWWWIE

2003-06-29             8:11 a.m.

OWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
this is gonna b a very winey entry! and probably wont b that long either....
on Friday, I had the last 6 teeth taken out from the top of my mouth, and the top plate put in.... O!M!G! PAIN!!!!!!! 5 came out easy...but the last one OMG! it hurt soooo bad, it kept breaking off and the emotional experiance.... mike held my hand the whole time but still... lets start at 11am.... they numbed my mouth I HATE NEEDLES!!!! I cried and cried..... then they showed me the top plate and bottom partial. when me and mike was alone again I sat and examined them... I cried harder... I guess even though I wanted the pain to stop and the horrible reoccurances to end I never imagined the way I would feel when I actually got them out and would never have my real ones again....
after a 45 min wait, and a quick cigy break I layed down to start the job.... it took almost 2 hrs... and 8 shots....maybe 9.... I shook and held tight, kept begging mike not to look even the dr lady told him to put his head dn.. he was wonderful and supportive I was a mess.... when the finially finished I hid my face even after they put in the top plate.. (couldnt get the bottom partial in but who cares its been so long since i had back teeth)
I was miserable... they dont pack the gauze when u get a plate... they just hav u deal w/ it.. so the blood poured out.. mike took off his shirt and gave it too me.. I cried til around 5pm when I had taken 3 T3's and finially calmed down... every time i looked at my face (which wasn't really swollen) I cried.
everyone had to put up w/ the Im UGLY now.... everyone tried to tell me how good they look and how much better ill feel when this is over and they r healed.. maybe they r right but 4 now I still feel awful....and Im kicking my own ass 4 not getting the dental treatments when this all began....
i know ur thinking, im the stupid ass who didnt take care of em, but its more than that... I had 6 pregnacys in less than 10 yrs.. my body lost alot of calcuim and my teeth suffered severly.... not to forget all the pepsi i drank constantly.... I was a low income mom, I put my kids needs 1st and didnt pay 4 the care i needed so my teeth suffered... Id do that part again... no doubt... then what mom wouldn't...
any way Im recovering really well... I even ate dinner the 1st night, and pizza last night... I am learning to eat, talk, sing, kiss( which I did really well the 1st day). its a challenge... I have alot of support though... I dont hav to take the T3 that much.. this im greatful for especially after c'ing jenny suffer for weeks after hers was done. Ill b ok... I know that, its just gonna take some big getting use to...
I started teaching myself to smile again yesterday.. I still feel strange but am starting to admit it looks pretty good not to hav the broken teeth... Im just still whiney... oh well... Ill keep u informed...
Brightest Blessings,

house of hell..psych

2003-07-13             11:06 p.m.

long time no write...Im sure marg will b on my ass soon w/ etha not far behind.....
I can finially glue the damn plate in. which means I can finially eat most things..most cause I tried bacon the other day and though I could bite it, I couldnt chew it*frown* I managed to finiah the BLT in an hr... sad sad sad.
I am smiling again, after 2 visits to get the plate sanded down...ok, so I feel better about it. though I am fearful that if I ever hav to search 4 a new mate that I'll freak and be alone b4 I allow anyone to c my w/out em...go ahead and laugh its ok... its just insecurity that Id get over..I HOPE!
talked to shad 2xs today and he misses me as much as I him...wish we could talk more... I get to meet his dad on the 26th and Im panicked about that... I fear he will hate me like davids aunt and mom seem to. I really had hoped once i got here they would want to b apart of our lives but no such luck... I just wish they would at least acknowledge me..I am their future family..even if they dont wanna admit it. eitherway I get to meet Allen and Im not sure what to do. I been cleaning for a week now and moving furniture. Mike is gonna go to his bro's that day so I can do what David asked and not tell allen about mike.. I hate hiding things about me... if he ever found out he'd hate me 4 sure.. worse he might never forgive david...hold it against him...so david thinks.
well Im gonna go....my kids and Mike r tryin to drive me nutz...world war 3 in the BA home....screaming over games, playin wrasteling..etc.....sry this is so short...
Brightest Blessings,

HA HA THEY NEED ME!!!!!!!!!!

2003-07-18             9:42 p.m.

Life changes again. three days ago I got a call from my old job, the one at the security company....I was woken up 9am and I answer the phoen...the convo went like this....
BA: hello
Brent: hi jesi, do u wanna wk?
BA: who is this? (I was half asleep)
Brent: its brent....
BA: hi hun.... where r u?
Brent: 5 star, do u wanna wk?
BA: uhhhhh where's julie? (thats the boss that gave me all the shit back then...4 no reason)
Brent: she's gone... DO U WANNA WK?
BA: when?
Brent: tomorrow at 2
BA: ok..... what hrs...
Brent: 2-8's
after a brief personal discussion I hung up....
u have to know I was both surprized and a lil shocked that I got that phone call. I mean I always said they would regret letting me walk away.... but I didnt think the call would come so quickly.
yesterday I walked in toating the same box of personal stuff i left w/ a few months back and grinning ear to ear ..."like I told u so..." looked at brent w/ the satisfaction of " u just couldnt live w/out me" LOL he knew what i was thinking i didnt hav to say it... he told me...go sit there...LOL brent is cool, he always knew they had dicked me over. I didnt do bad my 1st night I got 1...after all this time I had almost forgotten my script and was lost on my old rebuttles... tonight i got one in the window, and 2 out. so 3 isnt bad 4 the 2nd nite.
my gums r healing slowly but surely.... they put the soft liner in the plate today and I was able to walk around w/out glue...but ill probably use a lil just 4 non movement purposes..I still regret the loss but am becoming more comfortable w. things..my smile sure looks great....
stars teeth r perfect *smiles big* they sealed her teeth today and gave her a big seal of approval til her next 6 mo. check up...
did I tell u that she passed 7th grade w/ a 3.0? IM SO HAPPY!!!!! I hav been telling the world.
well i suppose thats it.....
oh wait....
Its one week til i meet my future father inlaw... freeky!!!!!!! heres hoping 4 the best after all his other family dont associate w/ me unless its unavoidable...(so it seems they never call or come over)....
ok now thats it....Im gone...
Brightest Blessings,

The day davids dad comes.

2003-07-26             1:59 p.m.

here we r, today is the day and Im nervous a hell!!! Davids dad is comming in to meet me and the kids......
PPL dont understand why i am so worried its easy....... his mom and aunt treat me like a bad desease.. some kind of internet virus david caught off line.
I am not the only one feeling the heat. david is on xtra meds this weekend he is worried that no one will warm up to me and the kids...especially with as much as he loves us... he hates c'in me hurt.... part of me gets upset the other part of me says it just shows that Im better than they r... that Im here 4 him doing everything he wants when i can even when they treat me so bad I still try......I go c him, take 3 calls a week, write almost everyday......I am there thru it all....
ok Im gonna quit...
I need to grab lunch....
Ill keep u informed...
Brightest Blessings,

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!

2003-07-26             10:46 p.m.

I SURVIVED!!!!!!!
allen was a true sweetie, and he hugged me (by his choice) b4 he left... *happy tears* at least he dont treat me like rest of davids family.... I wish he didnt live so far away Id love to spend more time w/ him...
poor mikey left I felt sry he had to leave the house but david was firm that his dad wouldnt understand about another man.... other than that I think everything went much better than I was terrified that it would.....
NEWS FLASH!!!!!! STARLA HAS RED HAIR!!!!!!!! yes u heard me...I let Jenny buy star red hair dye and I colored her hair...LOL Its differant but to me dont look that bad at all.... she is going goth this year....next is tongue peircing.....can u imagine.....
NEWS FLASH!!!! karin had me cut her hair up to her shoulder blades... I took almost 5 inches off (HER CHOICE!) (NOT MINE)
My babys r growing up soooo fast and getting independant.... karin is cooking eggs and ramen noodles these days and thats all she wants to eat cause she can make em....on the stove even...lol
Well I gotta run..... c soon
Brightest Blessings,

a day w/ david and allen.......i feel good!!!!!!!

2003-07-27             11:36 p.m.

HI EVERYONE!!!!!
I went and seen shad today w/ his dad and it was great... allen isnt anything like the rest of davids family... sure he talks alot but I was so excited...
he treats me like a person w/ feelings and that made me feel sooooo good inside..
we took pics together me him and david and most th day w all sat and listene to allen tell storys abot his wk, dvids shooting lessons, funny tales about allens life..it reminded me of my dd the way he onc was...
I hae grown a true rspect 4 him and hope to sty in contact w/ him as much as possible over the years....
he hsnt left and Im already looking forward to his return... *HAPPY SMILE***
he is picking m up again in the morn at 9 to go back again...he is sch a sweeti... again i say i wsh he didnt live so far away cuse he dn't treat me like a virus david caught online..
I guess jen talked to les today, his Aunt. and she said that they may go c david when im not gonna b there... if they only knew that they r pushing him away....... maybe they dont care hell if i know... frankly after meeting allen I have regained respect 4 humanity......
anyway..... ill write more tomorrow.......
brightest blessings,

Time of healing.

2003-08-04             10:39 p.m.

interesting week I tell u....
I tried to wk w/ the awful leads that 5 star provides and it just didnt wk out. I told them to kiss my ass today and quit. I packed my shit and strutted out knowing in my heart i deserved better than what they offered me... I made some $ while there so Im not gonna complain too much... it will help catch up some of the bills.....
last night I spent time w/ a personal friend... sort of a surprise but good 4 all involved... I just hope that it turns out well 4 all involved.... sigh......
so many emotions and my protective motherly nature is sprouting claws to nurture and support.... i sware that if anyone hurts her again I will pounce!!!!!!
I cant explain here... I wont but my freind has been thru alot and needs me even if the world is against it...
Im human, I hav feelings and I have a huge heart! I listen even when the words cut like knives, I respond when I wanna crawl in the hole... I hold strong as the walls crash..... I promised and I shall c that promise thru... thats what integraty is....
personally it helps my own healing as well..I feel needed and feel like I can help the healing of another. that my personal experiances of my youth was events that were placed in my life so I can share w/ others who may feel alone.... I dont know....
I may b rambeling... I may sound like I dont know what Im talking about... maybe u understand because u know enough about my life that u know who I speak of.... all I know is its hard... I wanna share here but the audience is far too closed minded to do so. (those who hav my # do not take that the wrong way this was directed to the ppl who read or may read that dont hav that closeness to me)
anyway...
I spent the day at the lake w/ my friends and though cold water i felt good just seeing my friend and watching her w/ star. I c a good bond forming.... Im just gonna wait and c it thru....
catch u later.....
Brightest Blessings,

still wking with.....Shadow child

2003-08-06             12:35 p.m.

Well Im not sure what my purpose is today as I have been hit hard by my asthma and find myself coughing intensly alot.
I figured Id update my community and add some fun stuff to do..maybe spark some activity....
I hav been making sigs 4 my sites eventually I am gonna change my graphic here w/ every entry. wouldnt that b neat...I think so.
I figure it would replace what i already have here and would giv u a better idea of how Im feeling by what I post... anyway.....
I been communicating w./ my friend over the last few days its really emotional and I am doing all I can to help her. Its weird how alike we r yet so many years differance. I have been where she is now and I fear where she is going.
I hav been the cutter, the bolimic, the anerexic (sp) the lost child who no one understood...and I pray that in our communications she will gain a sence of understanding that she isnt alone. I was the abused child who blamed myself I was so torn with society and my heart.... I thought I was sooo differant.... but I wasnt and neither is she.....
such a warm talented bueatiful girl... if only she believed in her own personal strength.... its there I c it, others c it... *sigh*
lets hope she finds her way... I am trying to open her eyes to her bueaty tryin to show her she is special and she dont hav to do things that degrade herself to prove that she is....
risking all.... believing that good shines thru and the bad fades...
Brightest Blessings,

"Change Of Idenity"

2003-08-07             10:18 p.m.

Today I am workng on an idenity crisis.... no not really I have decided to take on the idenity I created about a year ago....when life was goin crazy and I needed a change....
today its simply a closenes to a special someone and a tribute to a dream I can't let go of....
I created alot of bueatiful signature graphics w/ my psp7 and am so proud of them that i wanted to show them off....
i used the gif wizard to make the flashing Ladi Shadow graphic u c to the left. and then created the wolf buttons for the links....
So don't think I lost my mind I am just in the mood aain 4 a change..... Im still the same old BA just using Ladi Shadow as an alternative ID.... just let me know what u think....
Brightest Blessings,

"teenage blues"

2003-08-08             4:09 p.m.

last night was a doozie...
I was up til 3am online w/ my friend... she needs so much support I am so warn out but feel so obligated to b there 4 her. Im in the proscess of convencing her that something that happen last year wasnt her fault..... I feel bad she keeps appologizing to me. she dont need to do that it wasnt her fault but she cant seem to understand that. I know her emotions r real and I respect that but I dont feel she needs to do that. I don't blame her at all 4 what she went thru....
I found out she is dabbeling in drugs, alcohol and smoking cigs... I wish I knew how to stop her... I hav told her all the medical reasons why she shouldnt I hav told her the financial reasons why she shouldnt... and yet I fear I didnt get thru.. I care about her well being...
not like I can run to her parents she would get into so much trouble and the trust she has in me will be gone. I dont believe it would help anyway. they would isolate her then she would probably get these things at school... yes I know it sounds like an excuse but I just dont know what else I can do.
I talk to one person in her family but I think her hands r tied too knowing how hard the parents would come down on her... and then theres the lack of communication problem...
Im watching my back and trying to stay almost professional w/ her but I understand how these things happen and I feel her pain sometimes its over whelming.
atleast she got protection 4 when she is expermenting w/ sexual activities w/ her b/f. I was so worried but her aunt did the right thing and took her to the clinic. protection is better than none... though I wish she would let her body grow up 1st... she has been thru so much she thinks she is only good 4 sex.. no young lady should feel that way. I told her she is so much more valuable that she is a person and deserves better.
she has so much to learn and a hard road ahead. I hope one day she looks back and knows I ment well..and tried to help.
being a teen ager is hard enough w/ out all this other shit...

Return of zoloft and being sick.

2003-08-16             3:57 p.m.

Im about tired today. I restarted my zoloft so I can get the depression under control b4 I start school... right now Im still shakey and still havin trouble keeping my thoughts on any one thing. but it will b ok once my body adjusts again.... I can look back thru these pages and c where we went thru this once...
Im not wking but Im stayin busy w/ the kids... thats alot of wk in its self. and Im recovering from bronchitis... can't wait til I can breath normally again...
the 3 girls hav been sick w/ toncilitis and star will probably get hers removed soon...they r waiting til the infection is gone. needless to say life has been fun around our house and the popscycle and med companys r striking it rich.... Im almost broke from the cost.
well anyway Im gonna split Im still not feeling very good but figured my bitch would b on my ass if i didnt update soon... *grins*
have a good day....
Brightest Blessings,

Rambelings

2003-08-23             10:44 p.m.

HI HI, I know I havn't been around in a while but I been incredably busy w/ my guild and other things...
I am almost over bronchitis and the kids r finially well. I started my zoloft again and the shakes r easing slowly but surely.
I sent shad a care package the other day at least i know he has clothes...
did laundry today tons of it...thanks to jen we got it done in a couple hrs...
i did a quilt that took almost 10$ at that laundry mat. gezzzzzz thats one heavy blanket...
other than that john is on my fucking nerves!!!! I wish he would take his tropuble making ass back to ohio... he is bound and deturmine to try to break me and mike up...thinking i'd take his drunken, asshole self back...NOT!!!! Im tired of him hitting on me when mike and jen r'nt around. Im tired of everything about him... he has worn out his welkum and he needs to move on.. jen thinks he is great when all he does is talk shit... I think she deserves so much better than a man i think is using her!!!
anyway Im outs... gonna try to hav some fun tonight...
Brightest Blessings,

Creative Streak Strikes Again FINIALLY!

2003-08-26             2:02 a.m.

Ive been creating again!!!!!!!!!!
check it out!
http://www.true-emotions.net
The newest creations are:
Diary heaven
Religious Section- Christianity
Reccommended sites
911-Tribute
Artistic Creations
Meet the founder
-(recieved a few new links)
TE Community
Go ahead stop by and take a peek....
I made the graphics w/ psp and anamation shop..... Im very proud of what I have done *grins*
anyway Im outs!!!!!!!
have a good nite!
Brightest Blessings,

Good News - Bad News

2003-08-28             12:15 a.m.

bad news.....
the 3 youngest kids were stung by bees today in the tree house. dyllan 1x ellie 1x and poor Karin 11 x's she is sore.... *frown* she didnt hav a reaction...thank goddess.... we took her hospital to get her checked (anything over 10 is reccommended immedate attention just incase) she is ok..... no need to worry.
the cell is down I ran over my minuets..... 1st time in a while....bad bad bad me... and its gonna b down til after the 1st cause Im broke! so my bitch can't call me unless she calls the house phone.....
good news.....
I got my financial aid approval today....
I get....
1350 pell
200 fseog
300 hcc grant
825 FWS (wk study)
657 loan
________
3332 total for fall quarter.
not bad 4 going to school!!!!!!!
anyway Im out of here.....c soon
Brightest Blessings,

"IM PISSED"

9/6/2003             8:33PM

*PILES SOAP BOX HIGH*
*SCREAMS* I HATE THE FUCKIN PRISON SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went all the way to c shad and they had changed visit day.....now I hav to go again tomorrow. I was stranded in aberdeen all day.....I just got home AT 7PM, AND left at 5:30AM this morn.
ITS BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO THRU THIS SHIT....WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!
I WENT 2 AND 1/2 HRS BY A CHURCH VAN TO GET STUCK RUNNING AROUND IN AN AREA I DIDNT KNOW... BROKE AS SHIT WHEN IT WAS THEIR FAULT 4 CHANGING THE DAYS AROUND.... WHY MUST I PAY 4 SOMIN THAT WAS THEIR M ISTAKE....DAMN BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!1
*CRYS SCREAMS THROWS FIT*
*GETS DOWN OUTTA BREATH STILL NOT FEELIN BETTER*

"VISIT W/SHAD"

2003-09-08             7:14 p.m.

Im tired and crazy but hey whats new....
I did get to c shad on sat. it was an extreamly emotional experiance...its been almost 2 months since we seen eachother...and being able to look into his eyes was enough to melt my heart.
we had alot of hard discussions I played counselor alot and we tried to wk on some of the reality verses nightmare images.. that place is definately messing w. his head and I am afraid of what he thinks of himself...
I mean I realize what he did was illegal but he is locked away w/ lil psychological help...letting his imagination run away w/ him, he takes alot of wk when it comes to self esteam and acceptance issues... he knows he was wrong and made huge mistakes he knows the feelings behind his actions but when u sit in a cell and hear the things he does he tends to start thinking evil thoughts making memorys out of lies so to speak...
he didnt hold her dn he never did anything she didnt want to happen...but he has begun to c things like that in his head..... I just dont know what to do to wk on these issues... he isnt a horrible man...he is a human..hes not a monster he is human... he made a huge mistake and will pay 4 that mistake 4 the rest of his life... its a sad reality 4 a good man who is full of love, knowledge, and compassion... a reality that effected so many people in so many ways...
theres not really much more that i can say about that.....
ok Im gonna run... lets all wish 4 the best in this situation....
Brightest Blessings,

"More Updates"

2003-09-08             7:25 p.m.

I have done some more creating in the last two days..... if u wanna check out it out.
I redid the layout and graphics for paganinside which is davids diary since he is sending updates in a few days.....
then I redid teddybearlove/ which is mine and davids origional site....
ok well jen is here wanting the PC so Im gonna go..
HUGGYS
Brightest Blessings,

"Roses from a Rose!"

2003-09-09             1:36 p.m.

I just wanted to tell everyone about the wonderful gift I just got from rosie.....
A man just came to my door w/ 2 doz purple roses from that wonderful woman.....4 my 2nd yr ann. of being ordained. and her 1st..... yes roses do emotional things to me and she warned me when she remembered so i had time 2 prepare myself.... they r bueatiful..... I put em in a vase on my coffee table....
I wish i had a way of gettin her somin...she so didnt hav 2 do that.... I hav a plan though..... its not prices but it will b special....
Rosie I luvs ya hun.... *huge huggys* u just dont know how much that ment to me.....
*still teary eyed*

TE COMMUNITY is up and going strong!!!!!! check it out!!! >
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Memorials 3 9/7/2003 7:16 PM (a place to create memorials 4 ur love ones)
DEDICATIONS (dedicate a song a graphic a poem etc....to a love one or foe....)

Fare Well Diaryland

2003-09-13             5:33 a.m.

This is a lil note to let everyone know that I have decided after long procrastination that it is time to bid Diaryland Farewell......My skills as a web designer have improved somuch that I feel a free server is less suiting to my needs.I do want to thank each one of u 4 standing by me in my times of trial and error.. if you wish to follow me please email me to recieve the new link as I do not wish to take certain viewers with me.......Thanks again....Brightest Blessings,