2006

"Been Caught Up"

2006-05-10             10:16 a.m.

I will be updating ASAP.... However 4 now browse the pictures of my new grand-daughter...

"What happen to simplicity?"

2006-07-13             2:05 a.m.

Just when you think things will calm down, you find out that it's simply another calm before the next storm. That's where life stands right now.
I've spent the past 17 years of my life trying to secure the lives of these kids. I've done everything I've known how to provide them with the skills needed to susceed in this hard cold world. I've tried to instill the true meaning of the word family and the power of respect. However it seems I have yet to master the art of parenting; at least in their eyes.
I'm still struggeling to raise these kids as each seems to be coming into their own and it seems the battle I thought was coming to an end is only just beginning over and over again.
Many of my readers have watched as my life has suffered it's twists and turns and I'm sure due to my silence I have lost many readers along the way. I guess I simply got tired of reporting the roller coaster of events that make up my life. However I know it's time to continue the theraputic adventure that this diary once gave me. NO I am not gonna promised to update everyday, but I have now added a link to myspace so I feel a lil more obligated to actually submit something... LOL
anyway as I said before life is full of roller coasters these days and I am faced w/ many emotional barriers.
1. Star and Jay are selling everything they own and plan to head back to Seattle the 1st week of next month. I'm terrified for my daughter as well as my grand-daughter. It's not easy to face the facts when your in love and I know it but the fact is she just doesn't see that he has yet to show that he can pay 200$ a month and all the other things that their family's needs; alone pay the costs of living in the surrounding Seattle areas. Of course they think I'm being a royal bitch when I state that but I know I'm being blunt and simply trying to provide guidance.
In return they have done nothing but tried to shatter this family until I have caved and decided to sign the marriage license. IF it wasn't for the emotional well being of the other kids I would fight til my death over this. Because, anyone who knows me knows that when I feel this strongly about something, my preminitions are generally CORRECT. and this time I forsee Star either being thrown in the streets w/ Nevaeh, or Jay taking the baby, and Star being in the streets ALONE! IF this happens I will have NO WAY of getting to her or helping her. But what does a mother do when things are the way ther are. She is so damn strong willed and no longer cares what she has to do or who she destroys to get what she wants so I'm given no choice but to let go and PRAY!
2. Then there is Dylan. Mr. I can handle anything. He doesn't care what people say. All Dylan cares about is doing what Dylan wants. Of course he had a GREAT bunch of teachers.
He doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't keep the good friends; instead he'd rather run w/ thugs, and sport the "CRIP" colors. He is such a follower and w/ his disabilities, it's hard to say what he actually comprehends...
The fact is, I've tried everything and nothing seems to work w/ him. He was picked up by the police last week and now has to go to court because he was caught w/ alcohol... go figure. Mom don't drink but he is fasanated w/ it... Hopefully the judge will be able to teach him something....
3. Karin... Oh yes miss drama queen... he is trying to be everything she isn't and getting the reputation of something she is not! She doesn't understand that her choice of friends is not healthy, nor does she understand that she is only 10 and just because all her friends can do anything they want she isn't going to. I've had to bring down the fire gods on her ass lately and it's made me the bad guy of course.
In return there is a lot of screaming, argueing, and attempts at being consistant which never seems to go over w/ her. Her favorite things is to scream "I wanna live w/ daddy!"... like that is ever gonna happen at her age. John couldn't handle them right now any more than Roger could Dylan...
I just hope that I can save her before she follows the roads Star has chosen... I do not want another daughter to face the fate the past 3 generations have faced...
4. Ellie... yes miss ellie...
she is the one who makes life wild and crazy. on one hand she is content being the baby. She still plays w/ toys and has only a small interest in boys... but then she has been known to call the dog her boyfriend... so that doesn't bother me. what bother's me is that she has a mouth as sharp as a knife and knows exactly how to use it.
She doesn't follow directions and tends to throw huge fits when she doesn't get her way.
I've managed to keep her close lately and am trying to shelter her more. I suppose this whole parental guidance thing really does vary per child... She of course is typical and hates athority...
Sooo...
Basicaly I am dealing w/ alot of crazy issues and still managing to hold on to my sainty; even though I don't know how. Auto piolet is a meraculous thing. I just hope it holds out until these kids grow up... and I hope when they look back on their lives years from now, they will say... Mom tried her best...

"The Marriage License Is Signed... Life SUCKS!"

2006-07-13             5:38 p.m.

Today has been one of the most heart wrenching days of my life because today Star/Jay's blackmail has finally paid off and I went against my own better judgement and signed her marriage license....

Now I feel like shit. I feel like I failed my daughter. I feel like I fed Star to the DOG in order to save the other 3 kids from her actions. Now I am in emotional agony. I don't even want to look at her right now....
Instead of explaining my feelings here I'm simply going to post the letter in which I handed her before signing the license... here you go...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Starla,
If you are reading this letter it is because I could no longer take the pressure being administered to me by yourself and Jason. It means I have failed to protect you from yourself and the man you claim to love. It means I have finally been whipped and beaten emotionally enough by your romurs, your lies, and the constant invasive actions of CPS as they investigate the rumors and lies that the two of you have been spreading. It means that I have signed the marriage license and by doing so I have granted you the freedom to chose weather or not you truely want to take the final steps to become Mrs. Jason Anthony Ortega. IT DOES NOT MEAN I APROVE, GIVE MY BLESSING OR THAT I WILL TAKE PART IN ANYTHING.
Now, before you simply discard this letter , I ask you to continue to read for it may be the last contact we ever have. Especially since you are allowing Jason to jerk not only yourself but my grand-daughter 3000 miles away and out of my life....No I don't expect to see her again, and IF that is to be the case then this letter will be "YOUR" proof as to why I've done what I've done, said what I said and decided what I have. It will be the one thing that may mean something to you when I am gone. Matter a fact it's all I can think about as I sit and hold this bueatiful baby. IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE....
Star, as stupid as you think I am, I've been where you are now and I know you are young, blind and in love. I know you think Jason is your Knight in Shining Tattoo Gear and that he is going to make you a palace and provide the world. I know that you think you know exactly what you are getting yourself into but the fact is, I've known you longer than you've even known yourself and I know the woman you are trying to be is still only 1/2 the woman you are capible of actually becoming. I believe you are smarter than to throw your life away like this and I believe that IF you do it is because you have been brainwashed into believing differantly. Sometimes it's just hard to view things from another prospective and that is where I think we stand.
You think I'm against you, and that I want you to fail... but in reality it's just the oppisite. I want what is best for you and you are too stubborn to see that. I know alot of things that only experiance can provide and I know that one day you will look back and wish you would have listened. My worst fear is that you will lose Nevaeh along the way. I can not tell you how scared and hurt that I am that this is even an issue. I know that once married, he can take her and there will be nothing you can do about it. I know you don't want to hear that or believe it's even possible but, I don't trust him Star and w/ his track record, I feel, he has shown very little proof that he can and will support your and Nevaeh's every need. You think I had it hard raising you 4, well hun, on what little money he brings in and what that money goes on, you are going to struggel; especially in Washington where a simple apartment costs $700.00 a month... I know you don't under stand these worrys. I know you don't understand yet what it's like to have the baby screaming she's hungry, as the electric is cut off, because the man was fired. I know you have no idea what it's like to litterally cry yourself to sleep because your baby's birthday or christmas will be empty of the modern items that her peers are recieving. And I know, you've yet to learn what it's like to know that you dedicated your ENTIRE life including 1/2 your childhood only to be told that you are the worst mother in the world by a rebelous teenager. Now a days I not only know what it feels like to be the teen, I also know what it feels like to be the parent/grandparent involved as well and I beg my mother forgiveness every day of my life.... The fact is I never wanted you to face these things. I wanted you to grow up, graduate, go to college, prepare a future and never have to endure the horrors of my past... I still pray for this but fear it's in vain.
With everything in me, I know you will regret what you are doing. The sad part is that you will be too far away for me to rescue you when it happens. I also know that the family you think will back you once there will disappoint you when something happens just like they did before. I think that's my worst fear and YES, I'm scared Starla Christina Marie, and even though you believe my fears are un-ness I believe you know i don't go to such drastic measures unless I believe what I'm saying to be true and usually things happen just as I invision. so I BEG YOU... PLEASE be cautious and take the time to truely concider all possibilities because once you marry Jason, he will have the capibility of not only leaving you but taking her with him... and IF that happens I can not save you... I can't save her...
Basically, I guess I'm saying that if if you are set on following through w/ your plans then, all I can do is tell you how I feel and that I'm here for you when this pipe-dream fails (And I know it will). No matter what, I am still your mother and I still love you. I will be here to help you pick up the peices and carry on. You and Nevaeh will always have a home you can find refuge in. However, this offer comes with stipulations and those include 1. You must have Nevaeh w/ you if you return. 2. You would be expected to abide by my rules; which include taking responcibility for yourself and her. 3. He would never be welcome in my home again, so you better make sure it's over. because I can not nor will I contiunue to deal w/ the chaos he brings into the lives of those who love YOU!
With that said, I will close but before I do I feel the need to again tell you how much I love you and wish you would reconsider. From here on out, you are the one who muust endure your decisions....
Love,
Always and forever,
~MoM~

"The lonely Road Of Parental Nightmares"

2006-07-20             3:01 p.m.

Life is still extreamly rough like the morning tide. New things drift in and out. The mahor thing right now is that I don't know when Star and Jay are going to go ahead and get married and move on. It's apsolute torcher and all I know is that I can't wait for all this to pass and my life to get better.
At this point I find myself wondering what is worse the pain of losing my grand-daughter when they leave or the pain of having her parents rip my heart out while they are still here. I guess I'll just consume what time I can w/ her and make the best of each moment that I can.
I mean, I know one day Star will regret what she is doing, and until that day comes I still have three other kids to care for. I still have to get up in the morning and clean the house, deal w/ day to day life, and keep it together.
I suppose this is one of those parental nightmares that you can either survive or suffer a emotional death from. Either way I know I have to move on and continue my journey. In doing so I will be more capible of helping her later when she seeks advice.

"Survival Mode!"

2006-07-28             9:38 a.m.

I'm gonna wack me a boy. I told him, if he took the phone to bring it back instead he fell asleep, the phone died and turned off. Now, his sisters didn't make their day camp bus along w/ the trip to chucky cheese pizza they looked so forward to going to.... I swear if it's not one thing it's another!!!!
I can't call anyone between 7am-7pm during the week because I'm running out of minuets and am at risk of the phone being shut off... Hopefully anyone who has been waiting on calls will find this entry for an explaination... *sigh* OK so I know that won't happen but at least Ican rant about it here... right?
OK.... so.... I guess anyone who has been following the past couple weeks is probably wondering what the hell is going on...
to make a severly long story short I'm facing an emergency and after asking everyone else I know I finally gave in and called David's Dad. Like I told Alan...The long of the short is that star/jay have created so much trouble here that it's no longer safe. Even after I signed the marriage license, they still won't stop and leave me alone...
1. they called or are responsible for the calls to CPS (2-3 times) creating one hell of a mess... so before they get a chance to open another case, something drastic needs to happen.
2. They have called/or had someo9ne else call animal control on my puppy and they will be back on the 5th to check for my pup's rabies shot/tag which I wont have because #3...
3. They have screwed up Star's last check because they tried to change benifituaries to jason's name. They told social security that I haven't taken care of Star in over a year.... (Go figure.... I wonder who paid all the rent, bills, etc. It DAMN sure wasn't Jay!) So now I won't get a check 4 for Aug which BTW is actually for JULY because SSA is one month behind and I was still legally responsible for her wellbeing during july. Jay didn't pay the rent, or bills... I mean he had to cover her food because he caused her to be removed from the foodstamp case. (I did however give her about 10 days of food at the beginning of July, so we ran low at the end of the month)
4. Then to top it all off... They are trying to kill a 26 yr friendship w/ my very best and longest term friend Marg. I would have never imagined she would believe their BS but They are telling lies and everything else about her and blaming me.... Now she is mad at me when I couldn't have done the things they said because I never leave my house... Even if I had the knowledge of how and could leave my house I wouldn't ever hurt her... Hopefully when they fuck her over, like they do everyone else when they won't do what they want, she will realize it wasn't me... although by then it will be toooooo late I will be gone 4 GOOD!
anyway as I said before, thanks to Them the other 3 kids are in danger, and I believe Star/jay aren't going to stop until I lose my kids, my pets, and am on the street. so I have made arrangements to get out of here.
I have a close friend who is stepping in to help. I've set up a place to stay and I am taking the kids back to my "Home" state of Ohio where I can get help from the kid's dad's families, my real uncle and several of my older dearest friends...
Up until this morning, the immediate problem was that the origional plans went haywire... My friend was going to foot the cost of the trip but things fell thru. The trip is going to cost a total of 475-500, and I've frantically been trying all night to raise the cash but had failed horribly.
Before you think "why not stay a lil longer".... Sure I could stay here until September IF I wanted to chance more calls, and social terrorism; not to mention the double tickets over the pup's shots/tags. However, if I stay at this house I'm still going to need 350 to pay electric, and water or it's shut off on the 3rd. So either way I lose... I'd rather get the fuck out of here than waste another $350 on this place and risk losing everything...
I guess you couls say Thank goddess for angels I tell ya. because Alan is sending me $500 to cover the trip. There is nothing worse then being trapped, scared shitless, and alone w/ no where to turn. I just wish I could repay him for all the kindness he has shown over the years...
Well that's it 4 now... I'll keep everyone informed.
(I will not however be posting my where abouts anywhere online because star has access to every site I have and until she is ready to stop being Jason's puppet, drop the loser, and be apart of this family again.... I'm going to keep her siblings safe from hers/Jay's brutality... The last thing I need is them to follow and start shit where I'm going...) With that said I'll close...
~Love and Light~