"Sadness Strikes"
2005-02-02
2:16 a.m.
How do you
put PAIN into words without sounding like a whimpering idiot?A year ago all I could think about is when David would get out and what my life would hold then. I never believed anyone could ever compare to him then recently I met a wonderful man. A man who made me feel extremely special in every way. He is incredibly intelligent, extremely gorgeous, and has piercing eyes that seemed to see through my soul. I tried to fight temptation. I tried to pretend I wasn’t developing feelings for him. I tried to deny those feelings even when I knew they had surfaced. But there was something about him, something that made me whole. Something that made me feel special. I began to allow hope to enter my heart. A hope that one day this man would feel the same about me… and I was beginning to think he was. No I am not saying that he doesn’t.
What I am saying is that his whole world is spinning out of control. You see his x-wife has accepted a job 400 miles away and she will be moving around June 1st. This would mean a separation between him and his children. Now this is a wonderfully loving father. A man who spends most his free time with his kids. He plays with them, laughs with them, and enjoys every second he has with them. He loves them with everything in him.
I know that he would never ever be happy with such distance between he and them. I know that he would lose the life that shines in his eyes. And I could never come between that.
He has a hard decision to make. He must chose to either move closer to them or stay here and peruse his college and career and his relationship with me. I believe I already know where this tale is headed. I already feel the loss associated with it. I know he will go. I know that I cannot compete with his needs to be close to the kids. Yet I know I can not drag my children away from their new family. By that I mean the friends they have adopted over the last two years.
I have school. I just applied to The University of Washington. I have dreams I must follow as well… Oh what am I to do?
Sat. Mike left. I was sad at first but grateful at the same time. Life had been really awkward between us. I knew I deserved better and the way my relationship was progressing with “L” I figured it was leading to a better future. For once I actually thought that I might get lucky and feel the love that I have sought my entire life. Now it feels like an illusion.
I could never fault him for leaving. I’m not like that at all. I believe love wishes the best for the person no matter how it affects you. So right now I am sad and full of pain. It’s normal. And I know that no matter what happens I have to continue. It’s not easy… and right now I am fighting sleep. I just know that the nightmares will begin again. And I don’t want to face them…
My Crazy Life as a Honor Student/Vice Prez of
PTK
2005-02-27
2:28 a.m.
Hi
everyone... I'm sry I have been MIA around here but life is crazy....This week I pulled five 16 hr shifts concerning school and PTK.
Just today I've responded to two honors topics, wrote 1 honors paper, created 4 signs and a 6ft banner, redid the pamplets for PTK, re did a flyer design, wrote a speech for friday, redid the tent handouts and went grocery shopping 4 bake goods...
I still have to write another honors essay, a writing class essay, read a chapter and study for my midterm plus bake cookies, brownies, rice crispy treats, 2 types of cup cakes and no bake cookies! by tomorrow evening...
all next week I will be working on an event to help the homeless. I am running a bake sale all week, am managing a lecture concerning homelessness as a speaker as well as the hostess on school property... Plus I have to get in 6 hrs in potterty, take the midterm, and study for other things in other classes...
OH yea then theres kids..I am raising 8 now... go figure... they get the rest of my waking hours...
Can you say brain over load?
Just remind me that being an honors student will pay off in the long run.... PLEASE!!!!!!!1
well...anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and am trying to get here as much as poss...
Love ya...
Life is GOOD
2005-06-15
9:22 p.m.
I know I said I wasn't goingto play the distance game again, and that months have passed since I made
my last post but things have been wild and chaotic. Many exciting yet
strange events have invaded my life. Now that I have a little bit of time,
I plan to fill you in. (I'll subcategorize each topic)
School
For the Spring Quarter I bravely
attempted to fulfill 23 credits. By the middle of the quarter I realized
that I was deeply over my head, but that didn't stop me. NO! I added more
to my load. With 23 credits and the job as Vice President of service for
Phi Theta Kappa, I became the Secretary of the Gay Strait Alliance also
known as the Rainbow Pride Club. With this position I met a lot of very
powerful people on campus and my horizons expanded beyond my wildest dreams.
For those who know me you know that I have never ran with the popular
individuals. You know that I have always held tight to my individuality.
Well in this group I have both popularity and acceptance. After a
few weeks, people began coming over to my house and for once I felt like I
was truly apart. Have a peek at all the cool events I've attended since I
last posted.... (Feel free to click on the pictures to see more photos
from these events)
just a little bit of updating
2005-07-09
6:24 p.m.
Hello
everyone, I realize it’s been a while since I’ve written so I figured I’d give
you a small update…I’ve been really busy lately. Summer classes have started and I am over my head. I took one math class which I’d do fine in IF I would try a little harder. Then I took astronomy and this will be the death of me. I have no interest in the solar system except to study the stars on a warm star filled evening. I think I am going to drop it in a week or two. I do not have any intentions of keeping a class that I’m not happy with. Maybe it would be different if I were in a classroom where I could ask plenty of questions but this one is online and frankly I am lost. Either way I will get rid of it before Aug. 3.
The kids seem to be getting better now that John is back in Ohio. They are starting to behave again, help w/ the house and each other. I don’t get much rest because I am constantly cleaning and trying to make money. Which reminds me… I have begun tattooing. I’m really pleased w/ my work. It provides extra money. (http://www.babc.true-emotions.net)
On a sour note, I had to take star to the ER last night. Apparently she had a cyst bust in her ovary and the fluid has entered her abdomen. After the pain meds kicked in, she seemed ok. They said she should feel better in a few days… I personally am beginning to worry about her future. She hopes to have kids one day… and well between the cysts and the fact that her uterus has turned sideways it may create problems in the future.
Then there is the roller coaster love life… You know me; I’m dealing w/ Shad and trying to figure out where my relationship w/ Mr. Golden is headed. Me and shad have been shedding a lot of harsh words lately. He needs more than I can offer and well frankly I just don’t know how much more I can deal with. I love him I just am not sure how in love w/ him I am these days. I think all the time I have been spending with Mr. Golden has made me more than concider changing my mind. But there are still some major issues there. I still don’t know what he is going to do about his move.
I did spend the night with him last week. It was nice to be able to lay in his arms watching tv. It seems so natural, u know? I wish I knew where this is headed… I was suppose to go w/ him tomorrow and well Alex came in yesterday w/out notice and may have blew my plans to hell… I’m a little on the emotional side I guess you can say…
Basically, her stuff is still there at his house because she is staying w/ friends until she buys her house which she is waiting on him to get his realtors license. She chose spoken because that’s where his kids moved. I know she is planning for him to stay w/ her at least temporarly but I keep hoping that, that doesn’t happen. He knows my feelings and I’m sure he is pondering the idea of moving in together but I still doubt it will happen. All I can do is sit and wait and pray that one of the gods allows my happiness to continue…
Anyway that is it for now. I will attempt to
keep you all informed…
FEAR
2005-07-22
3:26 p.m.
Writing releases alot of the
emotions and thoughts that have been keeping me awake at night. basically this
is not my first attempt. I have been trying to get my feelings into words for a
long time but have constantly backspaced after writing them. Frankly I am about
as confused as a woman can be and I barely even know where to begin. With that
said, I guess I will simply type everything that comes to mind and hope people
can make sense of the content…
emotions and thoughts that have been keeping me awake at night. basically this
is not my first attempt. I have been trying to get my feelings into words for a
long time but have constantly backspaced after writing them. Frankly I am about
as confused as a woman can be and I barely even know where to begin. With that
said, I guess I will simply type everything that comes to mind and hope people
can make sense of the content…
It’s now been ten months since
I 1st took the first walk in the woods w/ Mr. Golden. During those moments he
managed to spark a fire in my soul. I would have never dreamt that we would
share so much in common. Over the next few weeks he intensified those emotions
creating an intimate connection that I began to pray would last eternally. I
grew to love him and shortly after I realized that I was falling in love with
him and no matter what I told myself, I couldn’t simply walk away. The days
turned into weeks and the weeks into months until there we were approaching our
one-year mark, which is where the emotional crisis began.
I 1st took the first walk in the woods w/ Mr. Golden. During those moments he
managed to spark a fire in my soul. I would have never dreamt that we would
share so much in common. Over the next few weeks he intensified those emotions
creating an intimate connection that I began to pray would last eternally. I
grew to love him and shortly after I realized that I was falling in love with
him and no matter what I told myself, I couldn’t simply walk away. The days
turned into weeks and the weeks into months until there we were approaching our
one-year mark, which is where the emotional crisis began.
A month or so ago, he
came to me with the intentions of
either calling things off or moving into the next stage. It was a confusing
moment but, he chose to move forward; at least that is what I understood him to
be doing. he told me how he felt when we were together and how he feel when we
are apart. he told me that of all his options, I am the only woman he desired to
spend the rest of his life with. he told me that day that if that description
describes love than YES he loves me.
either calling things off or moving into the next stage. It was a confusing
moment but, he chose to move forward; at least that is what I understood him to
be doing. he told me how he felt when we were together and how he feel when we
are apart. he told me that of all his options, I am the only woman he desired to
spend the rest of his life with. he told me that day that if that description
describes love than YES he loves me.
At that moment, nothing could
have ever made me happier. Then he started talking about commitments. Maybe it
was the heat of the moment, but I cherished those words. Mind him, I am in no
rush to get married again, but the fact that he would even say such a thing
about commitment, made me feel a sense of security. But time has caused that
security to fade and insecurity to step in. I’ve begun to feel like a
mushroom. Sometimes even wondering if he understands how much I am offering him.
have ever made me happier. Then he started talking about commitments. Maybe it
was the heat of the moment, but I cherished those words. Mind him, I am in no
rush to get married again, but the fact that he would even say such a thing
about commitment, made me feel a sense of security. But time has caused that
security to fade and insecurity to step in. I’ve begun to feel like a
mushroom. Sometimes even wondering if he understands how much I am offering him.
You see… I have spent the past
ten months listening to him complain about Alex (the woman he shared his house
with) and his current life style. I have sat, almost addictively, and listened
to his dreams and desires. (Again, I will say that I never would have expected
that we would have so much in common.) He told me that Alex is by no means the
woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with and yet I constantly feel
like I am playing second field to her.
ten months listening to him complain about Alex (the woman he shared his house
with) and his current life style. I have sat, almost addictively, and listened
to his dreams and desires. (Again, I will say that I never would have expected
that we would have so much in common.) He told me that Alex is by no means the
woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with and yet I constantly feel
like I am playing second field to her.
Please don’t get me wrong, I
understand that he does not wish to create chaos, that he is still on positive
terms w/ her and that he is probably just trying to keep everyone happy, but,
Let’s face it a person can’t be everything for everyone and he is going to
have to chose eventually.
understand that he does not wish to create chaos, that he is still on positive
terms w/ her and that he is probably just trying to keep everyone happy, but,
Let’s face it a person can’t be everything for everyone and he is going to
have to chose eventually.
I love Lincoln so much and . I
have spent countless evenings unable to sleep, wanting nothing more than to hear
his voice, but the phone never rings. I spent days dreaming of sharing my life
with him, which often means neglecting the things that I should be doing (Like
school work). This line of thinking ends up turning into a mode of depression
because reality takes hold and I realize that it may all be nothing more than
pipe dreams. That’s when I begin to get frustrated.
have spent countless evenings unable to sleep, wanting nothing more than to hear
his voice, but the phone never rings. I spent days dreaming of sharing my life
with him, which often means neglecting the things that I should be doing (Like
school work). This line of thinking ends up turning into a mode of depression
because reality takes hold and I realize that it may all be nothing more than
pipe dreams. That’s when I begin to get frustrated.
I weigh out the positive and
negative aspects of his options and can’t begin to understand why things are
so difficult. Let me put it this way; I imagine a scale. Below him will find the
results of that scale:
negative aspects of his options and can’t begin to understand why things are
so difficult. Let me put it this way; I imagine a scale. Below him will find the
results of that scale:
Alex
|
|
|
Positive
|
Negative
|
|
|
Me
|
|
|
Positive
|
Negative
|
|
|
Since each side of the scale
tilts one direction, I really do not understand why he would hold on to a
relationship that has impacted his life in such a negative way when he has a
chance to better himself.
tilts one direction, I really do not understand why he would hold on to a
relationship that has impacted his life in such a negative way when he has a
chance to better himself.
For weeks I have fought the
urge
to demand explanations (even though I deserve it). I have sat by the way side
and waited patiently because he has kept telling me things will get better. Each
time, something else comes up and I am pushed away. I have cried more tears than
I care to admit and yet I am still no more enlightened than I was a month ago.
to demand explanations (even though I deserve it). I have sat by the way side
and waited patiently because he has kept telling me things will get better. Each
time, something else comes up and I am pushed away. I have cried more tears than
I care to admit and yet I am still no more enlightened than I was a month ago.
How much longer am I to wait
before giving up?
before giving up?
Does he wish for me to give up?
(he has yet to answer that question and I have asked it in every way that I know
how.)
(he has yet to answer that question and I have asked it in every way that I know
how.)
Before he left he told me he
planned to be back by the following weekend. He said that we would reschedule
our plans w/ the kids. That was nine days ago and I haven’t heard from him
since. Then, Finding out that he had been suspended/Fired from his job leads me
to believe that he is planning to move to Spokane w/ Alex and has decided to let
everything here go. I mean, why else would he jeopardize his only source of
income?
planned to be back by the following weekend. He said that we would reschedule
our plans w/ the kids. That was nine days ago and I haven’t heard from him
since. Then, Finding out that he had been suspended/Fired from his job leads me
to believe that he is planning to move to Spokane w/ Alex and has decided to let
everything here go. I mean, why else would he jeopardize his only source of
income?
If that wasn’t bad enough,
when I came by his house yesterday and Wart was staring out the windows I became
very concerned. From the parking area I could smell the scent of the animals and
all I could imagine was the animal control getting calls about neglected
animals. (If that happened they would not only take the animals and fine him the
homeowner but they could arrest him for it as well.)
when I came by his house yesterday and Wart was staring out the windows I became
very concerned. From the parking area I could smell the scent of the animals and
all I could imagine was the animal control getting calls about neglected
animals. (If that happened they would not only take the animals and fine him the
homeowner but they could arrest him for it as well.)
By this morning, after not
being
able to sleep, I decided I had no choice. If I was going to sooth my concerns, I
had to figure out a way to get in without getting bit and without letting the
dogs out. I carefully planned my agenda. I went to the store, purchased the
cleaning supplies, heated some teriyaki chicken and drove over there. As
frightened as I was, I moved the glass. After a few bites, Wart was putty in my
hands. I secured the dogs and began cleaning the mess. NO I do not want him to
be ashamed and I am praying that he will not be upset with me.
able to sleep, I decided I had no choice. If I was going to sooth my concerns, I
had to figure out a way to get in without getting bit and without letting the
dogs out. I carefully planned my agenda. I went to the store, purchased the
cleaning supplies, heated some teriyaki chicken and drove over there. As
frightened as I was, I moved the glass. After a few bites, Wart was putty in my
hands. I secured the dogs and began cleaning the mess. NO I do not want him to
be ashamed and I am praying that he will not be upset with me.
For the record, I
did not enter the bedroom because it was blocked off, and I didn’t enter the
back room because that is the snake room and I felt weird going back there. But,
I did clean the kitchen, hall, & living room oh…and the bath was done. I
left all the change I found either in the frying pan under the table or on the
counter of the kitchen. I didn’t touch the boxes, the computer area or the
dining room because I figured it was Alex’s stuff and I didn’t feel
comfortable.
did not enter the bedroom because it was blocked off, and I didn’t enter the
back room because that is the snake room and I felt weird going back there. But,
I did clean the kitchen, hall, & living room oh…and the bath was done. I
left all the change I found either in the frying pan under the table or on the
counter of the kitchen. I didn’t touch the boxes, the computer area or the
dining room because I figured it was Alex’s stuff and I didn’t feel
comfortable.
I only had his best
interest at heart. I would never do anything intentionally to piss him off. I
only wanted to show him how much I love him and that I care about his home and
animals. (Part of me cursed her for allowing it to be like this. I could never
allow my animals to be left unattended for that long)
interest at heart. I would never do anything intentionally to piss him off. I
only wanted to show him how much I love him and that I care about his home and
animals. (Part of me cursed her for allowing it to be like this. I could never
allow my animals to be left unattended for that long)
He deserves
better than his current situation. As I stated many times before, I would give him
the world; but the choice is his. He is the one who will have to live with the
decision. Sure, I would be devastated and yes it would take time for me to heal.
But in my opinion it’s him that would be the one living with the knowledge
that he chose to move in with Alex (a woman he obviously isn’t happy with)
instead of taking a chance on me (a woman who would give him my all).
better than his current situation. As I stated many times before, I would give him
the world; but the choice is his. He is the one who will have to live with the
decision. Sure, I would be devastated and yes it would take time for me to heal.
But in my opinion it’s him that would be the one living with the knowledge
that he chose to move in with Alex (a woman he obviously isn’t happy with)
instead of taking a chance on me (a woman who would give him my all).
I guess you can
say that: Over all, I am terrified that he is going to disappear without an
explanation or good-bye. I hope that isn’t something he would do. But incase
it is, I now know that I did and said everything I could. I followed my heart
despite the possibility of it getting broke AGAIN. All I can do now is hope that
he will use those words as a stepping-stone, in order to make a decision that he
can live with because I wish nothing but his utmost happiness.
say that: Over all, I am terrified that he is going to disappear without an
explanation or good-bye. I hope that isn’t something he would do. But incase
it is, I now know that I did and said everything I could. I followed my heart
despite the possibility of it getting broke AGAIN. All I can do now is hope that
he will use those words as a stepping-stone, in order to make a decision that he
can live with because I wish nothing but his utmost happiness.
"Thoughts About Tomorrow"
2005-07-26
4:55 p.m.
Yesterday when I held him in my arms, something told me that it
would be the last time that it would ever happen. I knew that all the love I
had to offer was being rejected and that he had already decided to end our
relationship. When he drove me home and told me that he would go home, read the
letters and make a decision, I told myself that the passionate kisses we shared
would be the last; so I tried to embrace every second. By putting it off a day
I took the chance that something would change. but it didn't happen…
I spent the entire day yesterday
crying and at times screaming because I still do not understand. I know he
explained everything he could and a lot of his worries are justified but after
being dropped off I realized something. Maybe I should have spoken my mind,
however that is one of my weaknesses. I don’t always know how to say things
when I am facing heart ache.
looking back, the words he said,
keep replaying over and over in my mind. he said that Star isn’t exactly the
type of person he wants around his kids especially Elizabeth. Yes I realize
that Star can be a handful but then I told him that months ago and he told me
that there wasn’t anything she could do to run him off. I believe my words back
then was “we shall see.” Now look where we are...
What he never knew was that Star
suffers from abandonment issues and that she has spent the past few years
trying to push everyone away because she believes that no one cares and that no
matter what she does people leave. Starla isn’t as bad of a child as most
people think. She is desperate for love and affection. She acts out to get it
and usually gets attention one way or another. Starla has had her rough moments
but she has been my rock through the painful relationships. She has been the
one to take control when I have failed to meet the standards. (She will again
face this task as I try to heal) The child that no one wants around has been
the one thing that has kept me going for years.
I realize that she has problems.
I realize that she has authority issues, school issues and all the other
typical teenage issues that go along with it. But, when I met him, I thought I
had met her match. I believed that if anyone could break her down it would be
him. He seemed like the type of man who could be firm without cold, harsh,
criticism, and abuse. I thought that in time he would be capable of loving
enough to bond with her the way that a “ family” man would do. To repeat something
I said before, I have never sought a father for these kids but, he seemed like
a positive male role model, which is something she has never had. Sadly, it didn’t happen because he decided that it
wasn’t worth trying.
I guess that is what bothers me the
most. Star may have negative qualities but he has over looked one thing; the
type of role model that he is choosing. At least with Star you can chalk the
problems up as adolescence. What do you call a stepparent like Alex? What do
you think that Alex will show his children? I can tell you what I think.
1.
With alex’s psychological problems, she will teach his children a
negative way of dealing with anxiety, depression and day to day life.
2.
Alex is a bi-polar
individual she desperately needs medication to ease the symptoms but instead
she smokes marijuana. (he told me that himself). Therefore she will teach his
children that illegal drugs are the most effective medicine.
3.
He has spent time trying
to teach Elizabeth to properly care for the husky (I think that's the type of
dog) that she wanted. How do he expect the child to take responsibility for her
animals when Alex often neglects her own.
4.
The way Alex treats him is another issue that he should have
thought about. You see, children tend to copy what they see. If she sees Alex
mistreat him, if she sees the arguments and abusive nature then she too could
very well grow up to be a lot like Alex.
5.
Then there is the home. If Alex isn’t taking care of the home,
isn’t preparing proper meals, and isn’t being a motherly figure then how does
he expect Elizabeth to gain those skills.
I’m sure that
I have over looked many things in this short list but from what I can see Alex
will teach his son/daughter to ignore medical advice, do drugs to self
medicate, treat their spouse w/ disrespect, and neglect their animals and their
home. In return she will teach his son to accept abuse (after all his father
does…), and both the kids will become affected by her life style. Basically, in
a child’s eyes, IF Alex is an adult and acts this way then the children
will grow to believe that this is what adults do.
Maybe he thinks that
the kids won’t notice. Or that they won’t sense the animosity between he and
Alex. But I know from experiance that children know and from what Jen stated
last night, Elizabeth has already said that she doesn’t like Alex. If I
understand it correctly then there are many witnesses including Chris, Mark,
Jenny and one of the boys. IF this is true then Elizabeth has already been
affected. (I would have told him this yesterday but I didn’t know). I do not
want to be seen as the bitter one here sooooo… I suggested that he talk to
Elizabeth to find out how she feels. If it is true then he should really think
about what he is doing.
While he is at it, I also think
he should refer himself to a Lawyer because I don't think that with Alex’s
history he would get custody as long as he is with her. The medical/ emotional
issues (I know someone in Washington who cant have custody of her kids because
of emotional issues) topped off by the fact that Chris knows that Alex smokes
marijuana and couldn’t pass a drug test would make a difference. (I know I
would pull the card if I thought it gave me leverage) I just want him to cover
all the bases, I’ve been through too many custody battles not to know what to
expect.
Even w/ the new thoughts, his
decision has been made, he must live w/ it and I am left to pick up the pieces
of my heart. I am not going to beg but what I did do is tell him this:
Unconditional love does not stop when one’s heart is broken. For me love isn’t
a choice or I would never have allowed it to happen. Therefore, I want him to
know that I still love him and hope that the negativity that he faces in the
future will be less than expected. I want him happy; If he could have just
placed his belief in me, like I did him, then it wouldn’t have been a problem.
"The Worst Day Of My Life"
2005-07-26
8:00 p.m.
Today I had
Mr Golden take me back to the place where we shared our 1st date. I sat quietly
in his car as we drove down the streets. When he reached over and asked to hold
my hand my mind began to ease but that was a false since of security. We kissed
over and over as we walked along the trail. After we reached the little bridge,
he reached in his pocket and pulled out a beautiful handmade Indian necklace
and stated that he had wanted to give it to me for a long time. Then, he looked
me in the eyes and told me he loved me. Maybe I should have allowed the the
happiness to continue but we were there for a reason so I said, "If u love
me, talk to me". He said, he didn't want to... I said, "just do
it.... I know, just do it." That's when he said the words that shattered
my soul. he said that it hadn't been an easy decision but that on paper she was his best choice in order to get his kids. I couldn't fight the tears. In return, neither could he. Between the two of us, we spent the next hour crying. I told him everything that I had thought about last night and then told him he could leave when ever he wanted but that I wasn't going with him that I would walk. I made him leave me in those woods. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted to beg and scream his name until he couldn't hear me any more but instead I said, " IF you can walk the trail (15 min) back to the car and drive all the way home without turning around then go." I stayed at the bridge, carved I will love you forever Lincoln. love, jesilyn on one side of the bridge, and Jesilyn & Lincoln 9-18-04 to 7-26-05 "he took my heart here and broke my heart here on 7-26-05"..... on the other side of the bridge then I walked the trail in tears all the way back to the street...
As I reached the top of the hill, I seen him. My heart skipped a beat. It was a sign. I asked him what he was doing wandering around up there. he claimed he got lost getting back to the street but I still believe that he was contemplating coming back and now I regret not staying at the bridge. I walked the rest of the way to the street w/ him. I asked him if he thought getting lost was a sign that he was making a mistake. he basically said that his mind was made up. Again he took me in his arms and we cried. I lost my strength and began to beg him not to do this. It's obvious that he loves me and I him that we could make it work and get his children. that's when he pulled away, raced accrossed the street and left. In return, I began to walk , 3 miles, home. Once there, I gathered all the items he had gotten me along with all the picture frames I had of us together and him alone then wrote the following note:
|
Mr. Golden Sir’
As I stood crying and cursing the gods and asking them what I did to
deserve this I used my knife to carve things into the bridge. I watched and
prayed that you would turn around. After I had finished carving and had
turned around a few times I finally got the courage to walk back up the
trail. When I seen you walking through the weeds I thought that maybe you had
reconsidered and my prayers had been answered but that was not the case.
Despite the love we share you just couldn’t change your mind. Afterwards, the
walk home gave me a lot of time to think. As I walked I kept feeling my
pocket and thinking to myself that I did not deserve such a precious gift.
The farther I walked the more I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t deserve
it, it was that it was wrong of me to accept it. As much as I love you and
would like to have trinkets to hold on to, I know in my heart that it is
wrong. I am not a material person and my love for you surpasses any material item
you could ever offer me. It is my belief that the time we shared is best kept
alive inside the most safest place; my heart. Therefore I feel the need to
not only return the gorgeous necklace but the rest of the items as well.
Please do not think that by returning the material items that I am also
relinquishing my love for you because I would never do that. What I am doing
is allowing you to keep what I feel is rightfully yours. After all… I have
everything that I am “allowed” to have. I have the memories, the detailed
story, and the tattoos that were inspired by my love for you… unlike material
items that weather, get lost or lose value; no one can take love away from
me… You see:
The 1st thing that I must return is the flower you drew on
our 1st date… it has lived in my checkbook for the past ten
months… I know it may not have seemed like much to you but it meant the world
to me… I love hand made gifts and well… you made it especially for me. On
that same day you not only showed me interest as a human being instead of a
sexual toy you stole my heart. That little drawing was the beginning of my
emotional bonding. Please keep it along with the tickets from the night that
you took me to see Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy in your wallet pull it out
now and then and remember those moments and the feelings that you had during
those moments.
When you gave me the woody woodpecker and you told me you were
jealous of him because he would get to sleep with be. You were right he did,
but he never for filled my need to feel your arms around me every night as I
cried myself to sleep. Without you here in my life his presence is simply
materialistic. (Basically he was a placeholder and since you do not wish to
share that place he signifies a void left behind.) Give him to one of the
kids… That would make them smile therefore making you smile.
The photos are print outs of the ones that I have cherished. They
once sat on my mantel and on my in table beside my bed. (I have copies on my
pc) I believe you should take them with you because the fact is that your
face will forever walk my dreams as I long to change the past. For you I hope
that they will remind you of the love we shared and the smile that being
together placed on your face.
As for the
dream catcher, it holds my dreams (it represents all the times I prayed for a
future with you and all the times I secretly begged the gods to make you a
permanent fixture in my life.) and therefore should reside with you as
well…Place it on your car mirror and let it remind you that someone will
always love you.
Then, there is the painting, my favorite gift that still holds the
ribbons, but no longer helps me to hang on. It represents a belief that I
once thought we shared. I no longer have the power to believe in our future
because you gave up on believing in me. (IF you believed in me you would have
believed that together we could manage any task including gaining custody of
your children instead of deciding to go with a woman that could offer you
only material items instead of a loving relationship.)
With that I am going to close this letter. I am not going to waste
the time begging again but I will say this: should you change your mind
before you move, you can always get in touch with me. If not, again I say I
love you and hope that your dreams come true.
Love
Always,
Jesilyn
|
I drove over to the trailer. I had Karin jump out, place the material items on the porch, ring the doorbell, and run back to the car where I spun off....
Today will easily go down as the worst day of my life. How else do you describe it when a man tells you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life w/ her but then says that a woman he doesn't love looks better on paper?
"A False Sence Of Security"
2005-07-30
9:52 p.m.
Well
everyone I'm still alive, I guess that's a good thing. Mr. Golden didn't call like he said he would yesterday but I seen him today. Apparently he and Alex had an argument yesterday (Yah!) and he was lost in thought. (Personally I hope those thoughts were about rethinking his plans.) When I got there he had been asleep and looked a little under the weather (If you know what I mean). I thought he was going to send me away but after a few minuets he couldn't resist and jumped out the window to hold me. (For the record, the front door was blocked w/ her boxes)
We sat in the back seat of his car and and as he held me in his arms he gave me a run down for the week. Being in his arms made me feel whole. (You can call me a fool any time if you want to but I love him so much that I'm going to take what I can get, when I can get it.) Anyway, basically he is leaving at 4 am tomorrow morning and will return on Monday; Tuesday latest. He said he has to drive out to Spokane and take Alex her replacement credit card that she ordered and Chris (his x-wife) her child support. While he is at it he is taking Alex's computer and some boxes and stuff. I was a little shocked when he said that if he is gone past Tuesday then he would call and have me check on the pups. That shows extreme trust on his part because his biggest fear is that Wart will get out and get lost again. I told him that if he forgets to call and doesn't come home by Tuesday evening, then I am going in anyway. Upon his return he will catch up on his sleep and get ready for a hetic week.
Wednesday he plans to pack more of Alex's belongings. He said the week will be hectic but that he would love to spend some time with me on Thursday. I told him I'd love to, that every second I spend with him is a second of happiness in my life. I doubt I'll get to spend the night because she is due in on Friday evening so can take a load of her stuff to " her" new house. (He kept using that term.) He said the next week end will be the same unless they can get all the big items loaded at once. The weird thing is that he kept saying things like "her" new house and " It's just her stuff going". I don't know why he felt he had to say that . Maybe it's just me but it gives me false hope if yo u know what I mean. It's so obvious that the man wants to change his mind and because I can see this I keep making myself available.
As we were sitting in the car, I had my head on his chest. The more I thought about Alex coming in, the more it worried me so I told him that he should make sure to pack the items I had brought back because I didn't want him to get in trouble. That's when I thought about the pictures in the heart frames. I said, "OH YEA... BTW... the purple heart picture frames w/ your pictures in it has a matching Jewry box that goes w/ it. I'll bring it over and well... I think your daughter would like it because they are great pictures of her daddy." I could feel his chest move in a manner that suggests that a person is fighting tears. His body trembled. When I realized what was going on I couldn't bring myself to look up. I mean honestly I felt bad for his reaction but it also told me something; I had hit a soft spot. Over all, I meant what I said because I know I can easily replace the items later if he chooses to stay or even if he leaves, if he chooses to come back.
I guess you can say that I'm doing a little better even if it's an illusion, which is yet to be seen. One good thing is that he said after all the big furnature items are gone then he will be at the trailer alone for a month or so, which gives me time to work and he has already expressed interest in a two day camping trip. Maybe during the next few weeks I can convince him... Time will tell... Right?
"Believe Or Not To Believe? That Is The
Question."
2005-08-01
11:55 a.m.
I’m still
fighting all the confusing emotions that seem to invade my thought process.
There is no way of knowing exactly what will happen in the future. If I had my
way I’d flip my ponytail and have everything I need to even the odds that are
stacked against me.Some people think Mr. Golden is shallow, that he should be following his heart despite how hard that road may seem. Others think that just because he made the choice that he did that he is in no way in love with me and that he has been playing head games the whole time. Some people think that I am a fool for hanging on, while others believe that he will return that he is simply confused. Me, I don’t know what to think and it has become exhausting just to consider all the possibilities.
I want to believe that he loves me. I want to believe that he is going to come back or better yet that he will change his mind before he goes. I just don’t know what to do to guarantee the results that I want.
Everyone knows that patients have never been my greatest strength when it comes to heart breaking situations.
"Earth To BA!"
2005-08-01
5:54 p.m.
He said he would call
today and even though I doubted him I sat impatiently by the phone. The clock
struck two and I held back the tears that wanted so desparately to fall but I
held hope. Just when I had all but given up it happen! The phone rang and I
seen the name Alex. “Could it be? Did he remember?” I answered, “Hello”. It
was, it was him, he didn’t forget after all…(Is this a sign?)
He said he will be back tomorrow afternoon; sometime and
asked if everything was ok. I told him I thought he had forgotten me again. He
said no, I said I could see that, thank you. It was as if someone has gave me a
million dollars, my teary eyes began to glow. He may not have called between
noon and two but he called!!!! HAPPY DANCE
Now, I sit here with my mind drifting in and out of
reality as different scenes flash inside my mind. One moment, my mind
concentrates on figuring out how to talk him into staying. The next, it focuses
on a second idea. What if I moved there?
My fingers begin to press the keys and search the site
engines for Spokane rentals and Universities. The first thing I find is a
five-bedroom (could be and maybe more) home for fewer than nine hundred
dollars.
Here are a sample of the places I found:
South Hill Split Entry home at 3908 E 7th. This home has
3 bedrooms and 1 3/4 plus another 3/4 bath. It has range, refrigerator,
dishwasher and hookups for Washer and Dryer. There is an informal dining area,
a finished basement with family room, a fenced yard and single car garage with
opener. There is also a sprinkler system. $250 pet Deposit. And rents for $850
a month with a 750 deposit. Look at that yard!
Surely this isn’t the only good deal in Spokane…
As far as my education goes there seems to be a selection
of sources:
1. Washington University:
|
Direct
Costs
|
|
|
Tuition
|
$5,154
|
|
Indirect
Costs
|
|
|
Books
& Supplies
|
912
|
|
Rent/Food/Utilities
|
6,492
|
|
Transportation
Expenses
|
1,434
|
|
Miscellaneous
Expenses
|
2,108
|
|
TOTAL
|
$16,100
|
2. Witworth costs about 35,000 a year
3. Gonzaga University
Average
Cost of Attendance for the 2005-2006 Academic Year:
Tuition:
$23,140 (full-time student, including activity fee)
Fees: $400
Room & Board (meal plan): $6,930
Books & Supplies: $850
Personal expenses: $1,700
Transportation: $1,200
Total estimated average cost: $34,220
Fees: $400
Room & Board (meal plan): $6,930
Books & Supplies: $850
Personal expenses: $1,700
Transportation: $1,200
Total estimated average cost: $34,220
It’s one of those wishful thinking things. Isn’t it? I
stare at the screen, thinking, “I wonder what he would do if?” sigh I
have to be insane.
"Day is Done; Thank Goodness!"
2005-08-01
10:46 p.m.
The day is
over and all I can say is GOOD! I think I have cleaned more than most maids
today and am about as tired as if I ran a marathon!I actually went to class;yah! and watched three videos then took a quiz. I know I won't be able to catch up but maybe I can still pull off a credit or two in math lab. Gotta try to remember to drop my Astronomy class tomorrow.
Anyway... I'm tired and need to relax so take care and keep me in your thoughts as I plot ways to change Mr. Golden's mind.
"Where Does Free Will Begin And
End?"
2005-08-02
1:41 a.m.
how
do we as individuals decide what we should and shouldn't do? I mean, how do you
chose what is proper for yourself when other's are offended and what do you do
when those affected are children? That is the topic for today; at least for
right now anyway.
Recently, jenny decided that she was gay and wished to take on the life style that best fits her internal feelings. The problem lies with my youngest two children. Karin and Ellie both think that seeing their aunti kiss and hang on another woman is gross and wrong. They have been very blunt with their feelings to the point that we needed to speak to them separately. This is where I am torn.
As a bi-sexual female I am all for same sex relationships. I had pretty much decided that what ever two people do is their business but then the recent events have made me confused. I guess that because I have never shown public affection with another woman in front of my children that I've never thought about their feelings. I've never shown public affection to a woman in public at all for that matter so I have never had a reason to look around at the public responses to the actions. Top it off by the fact I have never actually had my gay or bi-sexual friends show public affection in front of me I guess I was simply ill prepared for the recent events.
Part of me feels that people have the right to be happy and shouldn't need to hide their loving relationships from anyone especially family. Then, there are the feelings that I as a parent have the right to raise my children how I see fit and I do not want people telling them differently. Example: drugs, religion, sexual attitudes, etc. Therefore where does free will really fit into the picture. who has the right to decide what others see?
Jenny is the happiest that we have seen her in a long time, however she is isolated by the kids who want to hold on to their aunti but do not wish to see her show affection to her new partner. Jen has a tough choice ahead of her. She must choose to either force her life style on two kids that feel grossed out, which will make them feel like their opinion doesn't matter or she will have to go else where to do those actions and spend less than the normal amount of time with the kids she adores. If she chooses that the girls will feel abandoned and like she doesn't want to be around them any more because they told her they don't like what they are seeing. I am glad I am not the one w/ this decision. I told Jen that IF she chooses to spend more time away that I hate to say it but that she may need to tell the girls anything except that she is w/ Rayna. I don't like lies and I don't normally suggest such things but I also know that sometimes there isn't an easy way out and you have to do what you have to do. This maybe one of those situations.
As for me I will support her decision and will continue to try to create open minded children; after all, they are going to have to get use to it as more and more couples come out of the broom closet and it becomes more of a in your face reality. I just wonder what other people think about the issue.
Recently, jenny decided that she was gay and wished to take on the life style that best fits her internal feelings. The problem lies with my youngest two children. Karin and Ellie both think that seeing their aunti kiss and hang on another woman is gross and wrong. They have been very blunt with their feelings to the point that we needed to speak to them separately. This is where I am torn.
As a bi-sexual female I am all for same sex relationships. I had pretty much decided that what ever two people do is their business but then the recent events have made me confused. I guess that because I have never shown public affection with another woman in front of my children that I've never thought about their feelings. I've never shown public affection to a woman in public at all for that matter so I have never had a reason to look around at the public responses to the actions. Top it off by the fact I have never actually had my gay or bi-sexual friends show public affection in front of me I guess I was simply ill prepared for the recent events.
Part of me feels that people have the right to be happy and shouldn't need to hide their loving relationships from anyone especially family. Then, there are the feelings that I as a parent have the right to raise my children how I see fit and I do not want people telling them differently. Example: drugs, religion, sexual attitudes, etc. Therefore where does free will really fit into the picture. who has the right to decide what others see?
Jenny is the happiest that we have seen her in a long time, however she is isolated by the kids who want to hold on to their aunti but do not wish to see her show affection to her new partner. Jen has a tough choice ahead of her. She must choose to either force her life style on two kids that feel grossed out, which will make them feel like their opinion doesn't matter or she will have to go else where to do those actions and spend less than the normal amount of time with the kids she adores. If she chooses that the girls will feel abandoned and like she doesn't want to be around them any more because they told her they don't like what they are seeing. I am glad I am not the one w/ this decision. I told Jen that IF she chooses to spend more time away that I hate to say it but that she may need to tell the girls anything except that she is w/ Rayna. I don't like lies and I don't normally suggest such things but I also know that sometimes there isn't an easy way out and you have to do what you have to do. This maybe one of those situations.
As for me I will support her decision and will continue to try to create open minded children; after all, they are going to have to get use to it as more and more couples come out of the broom closet and it becomes more of a in your face reality. I just wonder what other people think about the issue.
"Thanks For Your Opinions" Part 1
(Free will)
2005-08-02
2:30 p.m.
I want to
thank everyone who responded to my cry for advice. This entry will include a
combination of responses to those who took their time to assist me with the
issue that I am struggling with…
Yes this is a
really deep situation and I am absolutely confused. Let me begin by answering
Derek’s question. he asked, “Why have you avoided showing any affection (we'll
call it PDA from now on) with women in front of your kids? Would you have avoided PDAs if you were with
a man?” The fact is that I have never been in a “serious” relationship with a
woman. The closest thing I have had was a three way with a close friend of mine
and the guy I was seeing at the time. This was a situation where the kids
weren’t home and neither of us thought it was in the kid’s best interest to see
that type of thing. I guess if it had of been a “long term” situation it may
have been different. But this kind of explains why they have never seen me in
such situations. On the other hand, I have always hid PDA actions when it comes
to people I’ve yet to create a long term relationship with. It wouldn’t have
been different if it had of been a man.
As for,
“Derek’s other question: why are you seemingly so afraid of GLBT PDA? If you (and ALL your friends) have never
shown affection, something's up.” It’s not that I’m afraid it’s that the
majority of my friends are of the GLBT community but I don’t always meet their
spouses/partners. Many of my friendships are over the Internet, which means
that we don’t usually see each other. Even when the Rainbow Pride Club people
come to my house they don’t usually bring spouses and those that do don’t show
PDA. (Not that I wouldn’t want to see it I just never have.)
When I look at
the whole picture, I realize that the kids don’t see any more than I do. They
don’t respond to television/movies (it’s my party, bird cage, etc) in such a
way. However, they always show “ew” reactions concerning PDA when people do so
in person (strait or other wise). This seems to have become more intense now
that it’s Aunti and Rayna and it’s hard for me to be sensitive to both sides
when neither side seems wrong.
As a parent,
I’ve tried to raise my children to understand that different people have
different preferences. They have been raised with a wide variety of races,
religious affiliations, customs and sexual preferences, however it doesn’t mean
they have seen every category in practice. For example: I personally do not
date outside my race (but they do), attend Christian churches (But they do at
times), or tell them that those things are wrong. I’ve allowed them to make
that decision. To a large degree I have tried to raise children that follow
their own hearts. I never thought there would come a day when there would be a
problem with that because they have always been so accepting.
I guess the
real issue isn’t with my feelings about what is going on. It’s about the children’s.
I accept the situation for what it is and enjoy seeing the two women happy.
However, it bothers me that the kids feel the way they do.
On one hand, I
want them to understand that different people have different relationships that
are customized to their needs and that loving relationships aren’t wrong. I
want them to look at people for their internal being instead of a single aspect
of it. On the other hand, I want them to stand up for their beliefs, speak
their mind and have some control over what they are around. Even Jenny admitted
that at 19 she was grossed out by the actions of her own aunt when she came out
of the closet. The difference is that Jenny was an adult and could chose to
limit contact where as the kids couldn’t make that decision if you paid
them.
I agree w/
Sharon, no the kids do not have the right to chose what others do but since Jen
and I both care about the children’s well being we asked Karin which she would
prefer:
1.
Aunti to cut back on her time here and spend time with Rayna
else where.
2.
For Aunti and Rayna to continue to come around like they have
been. Karin looked at us, fought the tears and said, “I don’t know.” At that
moment I didn’t know what to say or do.
We realize
that the girls (especially Karin) have abandonment issues and this is part of
what makes it hard. This is also why I suggested that if Aunti chose to spend
less time here that she tell them anything but that she has chosen time w/
Rayna over her normal time here. It’s obvious that Karin don’t want to lose her
aunti, but at the same time she doesn’t want to see the PDA. She can’t have
both things her way and still be fair to them. And when it’s all said and done
it’s Aunti that will have to chose. Neither of us want Karin hurt more than she
has been in her short life but she deserves to be happy as too.
That is where
my mind splits again. I look back at my own childhood and how adults would push
me to tell them my feelings only to ignore what I said after wards. In a way it
seemed like a trick. It’s was saying, tell me what you will but I don’t care
what you think or how you feel. When the kid has been placed on the spot,
directly asked a question, and has reluctantly responded with her honest
feelings, it seems almost cruel to ignore them and say deal with it. That is
why I am seeking other people’s opinions.
At this moment
we haven’t made a decision as to what to do but I agree with some of what
everyone has said…
1.
(Derek) Perhaps they can be less physical but not totally forced
to stay hidden; (wonders if that is asking too much)
2.
(Derek) Again, kids have rights and feelings that ought to be
valued, but if they are deeply offensive, then I would, as a parent, challenge
it. Now, it's best perhaps to discuss
rather than demand (ask them why they feel this way, how it must make their
aunti feel, whether they would want someone to keep them from loving someone
else how they wish, etc (A definite tactic I will use)
3.
(Vexy) Sitting down with the kids again talking with them about
the choices and what we are thinking about doing.
4.
(Sharon) Do not encourage that by allowing them to decide where
Jen can show affection.
5.
(Rosey) What the kids see now will directly affect how they
react in the future.
Another idea
Jen and I discussed over breakfast was to see if the library had children’s
books w/ similar situations. I know of one called, “Heather has two mommies.”
Maybe someone knows of others.
Over all I
know the situation needs addressed and I am trying desperately to prioritize my
responses. The last thing I want to do is place limitations of my own
values.
"Thanks For Your Opinions" Part 2
(Mr. Golden)
2005-08-02
5:18 p.m.
Topic two... Mr.
Golden.
Again, thanks
everyone for responding. I really wish we had the old way of communicating
(chat) it would make of made this debate much easier. But I'll take what ever I
can get and in this situation I can see that not everyone agrees fully with one
another. So, here's my thoughts:
It's hard to make
decisions based on frantic moments. Yes Princess baby, I know that I need to
change the way that I am dealing with my situation with Mr. Golden but I don't
think cutting him off is the best thing I can do. Yes I know that it's gotten
out of hand and that I deserve better than the way things are going for me. But
I haven't been exactly honest w/ the negative emotions because I have been
trying to give him space and allow him to learn who I am. He has managed
to get under my skin. If his reactions were blunt contempt, then I could justify
turning my back but I do not feel he is doing what he is doing to simply be
mean. This man has been through a lot over the years and wishes nothing more
than to gain custody of his children. He feels that he is sacrificing himself
by choosing Alex (I agree that he is because Alex treats him wrong). His eyes
contradict what his actions show. he isn't happy, nor is he content with what
he is doing. This is why I can not just walk away and pretend that I'm fine.
Yes Sharon, I know
that I have had long distance relationships before but honestly it never made
me happy. I figured out what I want in life and what I can accept; long distant
relationships isn't one of those things.
Yes I could wait
and continue with my plans to attend Central Washington University, get my
degree and then move if needed but that isn't going to be the best emotional
decision for me. If I am ever to have the type of relationship I want to have
with this man then I am going to have to find a way that will fill both of our
needs.
No Sharon, I don't
need a man but I want one to share my life with one. I am not attempting to
smother him. I do not make demands on him. Matter a fact, I have given him the
last ten months of utmost patience. (He said that I've been way too patient and
if it had been him he would have told himself to fuck off before now) Even now
as I struggle w/ heart ache, I have told him to do what he needs to do; even if
I don't exactly believe he will return. I've tried to muffle my cries and paint
a supportive picture in hopes that he will change his mind and reconsider. If
that does not work then there is nothing else that I can do. (Can't force love,
it's natural or nothing and I believe that he does love me.)
As for moving to
Spokane, it is simply a day-dream. I would discuss w/ him before actually
doing. It's not something that would happen over night even if I decide to
move. (No vexy this decision is based on much more than Mr. Golden but
if you want to slap *bends over*) It comes with many perks though; such as:
1. a new environment
for the kids. (one without the current people)
2.
Several Universities that could enhance my educational future. (Washington
University costs about the same as Central
University which is where I am suppose to be going; either way it's going to
cost.)
3. Living
conditions that appear to be less expensive.
4. A better ability
to continue my relationship w/ Mr. Golden.
I guess that pretty
much says it all... I don't know what is going to happen or how I am going to
react when it does. All I know is that my brain is responding to the pain and
right now I am trying to find different ways to decrease that pain...
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