2002

 2002 The New Year Begins

2002-01-03             5:47 a.m.

Every day that reaches forward is another step closer to the happieness that I seek. Although windy and extreamly steep I am climbin the mountain. I am reachin for the happieness that I have so long desired...every day takes me that much closer. I am now preparin 4 my move, which is headed twords a very special man.

I have built a new family with the WPG , a family that has provided love and support beyond expectations. How could i have ever known that the events of the past year would lead to such wonderful new beginnings and a path of happieness?

I met my fellow sammach girl (a term that is used for aryns assistants in the wpg) I drove almost 2 hrs to meet her and what a person she turned out to be...I hope the future allows us to spend more time....

In Feb., I hav company comming from Georgia. A very special couple who hav been there 4 me in some of my darkest times...I can't wait to meet them in real life even though I feel I've known them 4 ever and a day. If everything between me and SG wks out It will be this couple and their 3rd partener that will join SG and I together in a formal ceramony...Yes u heard me right I am planning to unite with him.

Love does strange things to a person...and even though some ppl will think horrible thoughts its the happieness of myself and my kids that matter most to me...

The events of the last 2 days were stressin...we got stuck in NC and about froze before help arrived...the altinator locked up on the van. And life was hard until we got home...I was devistated to be away from SG and my family on new years which happens to b a annaversary day 4 me and him.... My plans were crushed...but thanks to my family I wasnt alone...they provided callin cards and I was able to keep intouch and in the same they kept SG informed...it feels good to feel wanted and needed again.... when i got home and turned on my pc...they were waitin excited and showerin me with attention...what a group i'm in..

The snow here has gotten rather deep over the last few hrs even though pretty I hate it...all that white cold shit every where and I hav to drive tomorrow...it sux...oh well...thats winter 4 u...it won't b that long til spring I HOPE!

ok so u hav been filled in...

hav a good one

christian v/s pagan kittens

2002-01-03             6:14 p.m.

Christian VS. Pagan Kittens

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of newborn kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus Foremost in her heart.

A week later, the preacher was walking down the same street and saw the little

girl again playing with the kittens.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man

of God.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the

girl.

"But..but.. I thought you said last week that they were Christian

kittens,"

sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

About my love 4 my darlin

2002-01-06             4:05 a.m.

Just a few lines to speak about my feelings for my darling...and write here the same poetic words that I gave him.... he brings out my passion and I hold hope in my heart that my wait 4 true happieness is almost over.... At this time we are lookin into movin to Georgia where other Guild members are...I don't care where we live as long as we r together and soon!

The next two sets of lines are words printed as I wrote them 4 him...

(Why I love him) I love u unconditionally with out limits, I love u wreclessly with out caution, I love you because u r so givin of your self, I love u because u r real. I love u because u r compassionate, I love you because u r honost, i love u because u hav brought light to my darken world...I love u freely with out restriction.... and I know that this kind of love lasts 4 ever! (Comparin his involvement in my life to a rainbow)

When I look at you i c a new beginning, away from the heart ache and pain, I c a world of emotions as colorful as a rainbow each havin a seperate meanin...red for the love in my heart, orange a symbol of emotional richness, yellow for compassion, green for life, blue is the purity of my heart that I give to u, purple is the passion u will find when we finially meet.... Together the colors provide hope, knowin that a rainbow is made of the good and the bad the sun with the rain...I c the future as a strong limitless companionship where peace love and understandin will bring light to a heart that was once broken....

Wanderin mind

2002-01-07             2:35 a.m.

as I sit here tonight talkin to my sweetie I find myself ready to move and I would kill to leave now...Fantasys fill my mind as his voice rings thru my ears... I close my eyes to embrace the thoughts that fill my heart and soul.

Our nights are spent makin plans and talk of romance flows from our lips. I await the time when we nolonger hav to rely on equipment to to bring us close...when i can lay in his arms and feel his breath on my neck...feel as he embraces me and creates a safe and comfortable enviorment.

the day when my fantasys and needs are filled...tis will be a day of true happieness...

a long day

2002-01-07             6:11 p.m.

Today has been pure hell...the house was a wreck and I decided that I had put up with enough bs from everyone...it was high time shit got done around here.

It took all day but I finially fought with the kids long enough to get things done...I now hav a almost perfect house of course I had to bust ass to get it done....some times i think I'm gonna rip my vocal cords out yellin at these guys.. I don't like to bust asses matter of fact i avoid it until I can't avoid it any more...

when is things with these kids gonna get better..I tell you they hav to b my number one fear... I am scared to death that they are gonna run david off...he says its not gonna b that easy but i know these kids and i know how much hell they can be...oh well...I guess we will c in time what will happen

I can't wait to move I hate this state any way...its lower incomed than i'm use to and sitters are so hard to find...i wanna go back to school and it's just not gonna happen in this small ass town. Atlanta sounds sop good..especially when we hav friends there to communicate with. I won't b so alone any more.

Every morning it gets harder to get off line and close out the only window that gives me happieness...I can't wait until i can be in Davids arms and feel his embrace...share his one on one physical attention in the same passionate way as i share his emotional attention...

he captivates my heart and makes me feel whole...life is funny and i am learning to open to the possibility that i can be happy. Even if true happieness scares the shit outta me...

any way i am rambelin again...I'll write more soon

the rainbow after the storm

2002-01-10             5:47 a.m.

lookin back over the past year I came to a conclusion....1st everything that went wrong made way for the happieness that is now enterin my life....what if I had made the mistake of goin to Pheonix...I would never have met David...

he has become my world, my life, the fresh air that I breath....he has lite up my life with his exsistance....he offers total commitment and unconditional love...he accepts me as I am inside and out...I am becommin whole for the 1st time in my life...and true happieness is just around the corner....

he knows about the hell I hav faced in my past everything from the abuse to the lost loves and broken hearts...it's funny how he made everything seem better...even this years pain...

He reminded me what I had once told him...I had told him that darkwolf has interduced me to Neopets.....he said that darkwolf was a matchmaker...that because of him I was lead to the WPG and because of that I found him...you know what he is right!

I thought it was funny when David told Etha that darkwolf should be offered the job as best man at our handfastin....because if he hadn't fucked up then we wouldn't be given this chance to know love in such passionate ways... I guess life really does hav a way of wkin it's self out...

I hope for the sake of Karma that darkwolf has the best life possible ....I am no longer holdin grudges for out of the fire has risen a flame much stronger and brighter than i ever had before. I hav removed his g/f's diary from my list and released what blame i held against her...again because I know that better things have come from the hell that they put me through....

I move on approximately the 8th of march to start my new life....and what a glorious day that will b. each day that presses forward I become more and more anxious...knowin that the pain is close to an end....David says it can't rain all the time...well in his arms...I will find shelter from the rain and will be safe from the storm....

with that I close....Blessed Be.....

 insomnia

2002-01-15             6:19 a.m.

call it sexual insomnia, that man got my nerves torn up tonight....he is somin else...and when he talks my heart crys out...yes yes yes....tonight its a differant type of sexual awareness its not fantasy or even what u would call hard core...its a romantic need...the need to b held, the need to b understood , romanced and such....of course those emotions also lead to the hormonal outbursts....which by all means isn't so bad if he and I were together...

I know it's just a matter of time and the wheels r rolling but, every minuet feels like eturnity.

After our talk tonight my mind was just to active to sleep...I cleaned the house top to bottom .... I even folded the clothes that have laid on the couch for a week...now u know I hav too much on my mind... life is so strange...and i keep waitin on the boat to sink...nothing good , should i say this good happens to me... and to think a love so pure , so excitin, so wonderful is within grasp is like wow.....I keep waitin in the clouds to release me and the sudden stop of death...I am truely in heaven with David in my life.... oh well its after 7am now i hav to get the kids up 4 school...then after they leave i might try to lay dn 4 a few hrs.... c soon BA

rambeling of insecurity

2002-01-20             12:33 a.m.

I use to think that with love nothing else mattered. I have since realized that there are many things in life that matter and many things that all the love in the world can't change.... I have also realized that sometimes lovin some one can become quite painful...especially if there is distance between the two.....

lately this move has laid heavy on my heart...I know if situations were differant that I would be goin to Washington where my darling really wants to stay...I know that he is going to be givin up so much to come to me in Georgia. I know that this is eatin at his soul....and it hurts.....

These past few days I have watched as he has become almost lost in thought. so lost that he barely speaks...and I know what he is thinkin...I know that insecurities fill his mind and that he struggles with many things that are yet to come...including telling the woman he lives with and tellin his family....

I use to deny how the past few months have effected me...and all the words that were once said in the past now haunt my mind...fear consumes my thinkin as I look back on what I went thru b4...

I know that david is nothing like the decietful being that tried to ruin me...but some of the situation is much the same...such as him bein there with someone else...and him givin up what he has 4 me.... I have started hearin some of the things that i have read in my mind...wonderin if they are true...but surely a love like ours isnt wrong...

I don't know...things are gettin closer and time is movin rapidly....b4 long it will b time to go...and I am emotionally ready but everything else isn't....thats the bummer really....If i could b gone right now i would...to where ever I could be with him faster....

To where we could face life as one...and provide strength to one another....life is complicated and patience isnt one of my greater strengths..... its easy to fear the unknown..... even if u have always walked in the mist of it.... Basically this is just me worring over things that are out of my control... I'll be ok...

Ya'll take care I'll write more later....

TEDDY BEAR LOVE!

2002-01-23             12:19 a.m.

CHECK OUT MY NEWEST ADDITION!

U WILL FIND IT ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE...

ITS A BUTTON CALLED TRUE TEDDY BEAR LOVE

MY DARLIN HELPED CREATE THE SITE!!!!!

(I love U David!!!!)

BA

uncontrolable rambeling

2002-01-25             7:59 p.m.

I realize that I havn't been writing much but I have been so lost in thought that I have been exausted....

I stay up almost all night just to spend my time with david after all there is a 3hr differance between us..and then I try to make it up while the kids are in school....i don't always get the rest I need....but I am dedicated to spending as much time as possible with david...

I have lost interest in almost everything else...and the move is starting to stress me out more and more every day...

Have you ever wanted somin so bad but was terrified that things were not gonna happen...thats me right now...I try to put all the negitive emotions into the closet and keep my goals in prospective but it's not always the easiest thing to do when every time u hav come close to finding happieness the book changes plots...

I have never been the luckiest person when it comes to love and creatin a family....I find myself wondering if i actually deserve the wonderful man i hav found..... I just hope that things wk out...I do not think i could with stand another heart break...not that I have been given any reason to worry....he treats me like a china doll.... I'm just not use to someone carin so much and offering this kind of attention...

I am trying to make plans to fly to c him around march 1st....I want to not only ease his fears but experiance his love on a more personal level...and meeting 1st is always a good idea...even if its not really in the budget... what is money anyway other than to b used to find happieness...

ok i'm rambeling again...I know this...I'll go 4 now....

C~SOON!

TOMORROW IS A BETTER DAY

2002-02-04             3:26 a.m.

HELLO STRANGERS!!!!!

i'm sry i havn't been around in a while....everyone should know by now that i am spending every wakin hr possible with my lovin man who makes every inch of my body tingel just talkin to him....over the last few days we hav spent almost every second with each other....As the time counts it's self down to the GA *POOF POINT*** I find myself calming down...I know that this heartbreaking life I lead now is gonna come to an end...And I will once again be able to create the passionate fire that I desire so badly...

I have been wkin on my secrate for Davids Birthday which is Feb 27th....I am learning to create graphics and stuff on my own...its been a fun experiance...for now that's all I can tell you about that because even though I don't think he reads here u never know if he might...I don't want to ruin my surprise....I will post the url's when the time comes so you can look...

I took the kids to get photos done u may check em out under kids pictures in my drop down link box... I really love my new design...nevermorerose will be redesigning it every so often...I have given her full access to my diary....she is a wonderful talented person...( I guess I been ranting alot about her lately.) she is gonna do my readin tomorrow...i hope nothing happens to delay it again....lol...I am so anxious...

I forgot to tell you that the date for our handfasting has been set. David and I will celebrate this occasion on June 21th 2002 at moon rise. GL will be preforming the ceremony.... All the details haven't been wked out yet but it will be private and very very special...

any way...I'm really tired and I am ready to skip off to my fantasy dreams of whats to come in life...sleep well everyone...

Just call it progress

2002-02-05             9:24 a.m.

Well....

yesterday was a wonderful day, I recieved my birthday present from David and what a gift it was....he is such a romantic always sendin poetry, and when he sends gifts the heart that goes into them. not to forget the time he spends bringing joy to my life with his conversations... Life has been one big compliment these last few months..I couldn't ask for a better male spirit to bond with.... Life is taking the turn for the better. and I am floating on cloud 9.

The countdown for my move is boiling down and I am so excited I am finially going to get out of this shit hole. I say good riddens to this state, these schools, and the piss poor of an excuse of a man I wasted three years of my life on... I say hello to new beginnings, warmer weather, and the romantic loving man that I will surely spend eturnity with.

I don't remember if I told you lately but my community is growing again many new members and some are adding their photos and poetry...it looks like that may finially be getting some where.

I have been spending alot of time working on my projects. I gave my home page a face lift and of course my diary got one before that. I gave up the old dedications from darkwolf as they were meaningless from the sender. Life has shown me true happieness and to hang on to the past never does a lick of good....life goes on and so do I.....

well, I am gonna catch a nap while the kids are at school and then get on with my day...hope everyone is having a wonderful day

A NOTE TO A PSYCHO

2002-02-10             11:25 p.m.

The following is a deleted entry from my guest book, deleted because who ever this person is it is appearant they can't read normal english...they posted total lies and made up illusions about their theory of who I am....here we go....after u read their BULLSHIT! read my retraction!!!!!! hav a great day ppl...I know I am .... You gotta love the idiots of this world.(wicked evil grin)

~~~~~~~message 48:~~~~~~~~~

name: Trina

email: shut the hell up

url: http://yousuck.yousuck.com

message: YOU ARE A CRAZY PSYCHO HOSE BEAST FROM HELL, and you should be so ashamed of yourself! The lusting after and having an online affair with one of your friend's boyfriends is evil enough. The fact that he is slime is even worse. But bragging about being a complete psychopath? Posting the proof that you are the product of a brother-sister love affair? (No wonder you live in Arkansas!) People like you....no, wait, let me rephrase that....YOU make me so glad I am me. I feel bad for you, because I feel bad for all retards, but I feel even worse for your poor children. Not only do they have a whore for a mother, but they also have half of their gene pool severely lacking. I assume the other half is just as bad, because any man that would bed down with you has to be mentally challenged as well. Since I am apparently the only person left that will give you any kind of an honest opinion of how stupid you really are, I will be sure to visit often and remind you of it. 'Til next time....

posted from 152.163.201.214

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss Trina,

first of all I never lusted after my friends boyfriend I did how ever try to b friends with my x boyfriends new girl friend. Sure there were long lasting flames between me and the man but hey shit happens I will never be ashamed of loving some one, only that I allowed myself to be lied to and tricked.

I have never said that I am a product of a sister/brother love affair. I don't know what fantasy land u emerged from but u need to take your lil crazy pills before u come pointing fingers. I was sexually abused by my father as a child that is and never has been my fault. there for if these r your opinions u are the one who needs help my friend.

As far as u calling me retarded, I assure u that I am no where near that area. My IQ is above average and I need not prove this to u or any one else. My children do not need your pity they are great kids who have a bueatiful future ahead of them. My life has a whole new light and I engaged to a wonderful man.

There is apsolutely nothing you can say or do to bring me down. I am who I am I live how I want and people like you who have no intellegence do not have a place in my world. If you ever darken my door step again your entrys will be deleted and you will not be given a second thought....

Merry Part:

BA

 catsup!

2002-02-11             12:16 a.m.

I have been soooooooo busy with everything, it appears that i have been neglecting my diary again...I'm sry, I didn't mean to leave every one hanging in the dark.

Life around here has been full of crazy moments. packing, chasing kids and cleaning takes most of my free time. I spend my evenings til very late with David on line. I can't wait til I can get back on a normal schedual. When time is back on my side and the 3 hr distance between me and him is no longer an issue.

It's funny how time flys when u keep busy. I only have about 3 weeks til the move. It looks like we may have changed destinations. The kids wanna stay closer to family and since my puppy was hit and I shelled out so much money to fix him we are keeping all our pets...u got it 3 dogs a cat and a hampster.

By staying in Virginia the kids can still see their friends, finish cheerleading, continue to bond with my family and have access to their dad.

I don't know but I can't wait to get this over with:) to b in davids arms and no longer alone...sounds perfect...

I'm gonna close 4 now...hav a good one

Reality at a better note

2002-02-11             10:30 p.m.

It's funny how a lil detective work makes it so easy to figure out who the idiots are. **shakes her head** after one look at my first suspicion i realize I was right. checking out my second suspicion said I was definately right...I now know who this Trina is and where she comes from...reading one entry in her diary I realized miss goodie two shoes is nothing more than a pervert herself...."has sex as often as possible" she calls me a whore...a woman who has been without sex for almost 18 months.... if you'd like to check it out here's the url...have fun...I won't waste my time on it...but at least you will see the type of idiots who float around here... http://maikamahi.diaryland.com

as for their remarks...we c who goes thru who's diary all the time...I do have a site meter as for my wondering mind sure I peek every now and then but hey...I know I can thank the Powers that be that I didn't make that mistake....happieness was waiting and after the smoke cleared...well we see who came out better...I have my love, and we have a foundation....I won't even say what the other side has...

On a much better note I have been working hard on a new web site....this one is a dedication to David's and my relationship...Love makes ppl do amazing things...I can't wait to show him on his birthday.... everything is in there minus conversations...I'll save the details for you to see when I add the new links to my drop down list...

Marg called today she might have found me a new house. its 4 bedrooms and I can have all the pets.... the best thing is it's right down the street from her....If everything goes right I should have enough money left to go see David at the end of the month...I can't wait!!!!!

I have never been happier than I have been these last few Months. and the wonderful experiances have just begun. When David gets to Virginia my whole life will be complete...I can't wait til our ceramony in June. bueatiful flowers, and our best friends hosting the whole thing on a bueatiful mountain in Georgia... I have been blessed! truely blessed!!!!!

with that I'll close, have a wonderful evening...I will My darling just came on line:)

Blessed Be and merry Part:

BA

Thanks to my enemys!!!!

2002-02-13             5:05 a.m.

Amusement thats what I call ppl these days, I have been featured in guestbooks now and had my links cast for the world. Can everyone say free publicity I suppose everyones life is so pothedic that they have to bash me to feel better....U know what I DON'T CARE!!!!! I find it funny as hell that you worry about what lil ole me is doing. It tickels me pink when I look at my tracker and see how many times you bring yourself to snoop.

All you are gonna find here is a bunch of mushy love details about the wonderful man that I am engaged to....yes you hear me I am happier than I have ever been. He is smart, funny, open minded, pagan, and a total romantic! Did I mention he is a damn good looking soul with a great personality. I must have done something right to draw this man into my life.

I am counting down the days to my move, still undecided where I am going. even if he is willing to provide my happieness over his own...If the powers that be want me in Georgia then I will be there....As long as David follows my life will be complete. Those who hurt me in the past will be lost in the smoke.

I have learned that everything happens for a reason. The things that do not kill you will only make you stronger. since I have waded through hell and back I figure I must be a very strong person. I do not give up on life just because I get shit on a few times. I take it in stride and start over, maybe a few of my readers should get a life and quit trying to interfer in mine....you are welkum to read anytime, and please continue to provide links to my diary you have my permission...the more who knows, the more traffic I get, the more traffic I get the more ppl I touch and believe me not all are as full of hate as some of you are...most are decent human beings who are either seeking knowledge and strength or don't want to feel so all alone....

If you feel it ness. to bash me go for it some where else , I will delete your babble in my guest book or reprint it in my entries so I can make comments... either way you are no sweat off my back...the only reason I allow it is because it's another way for me to show I am a survivor.....you are like sheppards bringing me the sheep...I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.....

BLESSED BE!!!!!

BA

slow loading problem

2002-02-13             6:51 p.m.

I just want to drop a lil line here and thank MOI for leaving me a message about my diary loading slow. I am always open for suggestions like that.
I removed the graphics that were no longer showing and am working on adding the diary rings to my drop down menu.... If someone from a ring happens to come to view please bare with me...I am still learning this html stuff....
Blessed Be
BA

happy happy happy!!!!!

2002-02-15             9:09 a.m.

My fellow friends/family of the WPG aka Auntie/GL and Unkie/Todd came all the way from Georgia to visit lil ole me....I just spent all night giggeling and joking and playing....It feels like we have known each other for years and years...

Of course Ronnie is showing his ass by leaving late last night and never returning...yes he is at the toothless, drunk x neighbors house....how do I know? well because this is a midget town and my phone rang by 8:30am...telling me where my van is...(it may be his van but it's still in my name) he is such a lier!!!!!

Personally i believe he thinks that Todd is gonna try to beat his ass and that i initiated it...but look ....heres the facts...yes Todd would love to beat the hell outta him over what he has put me through...but I asked him just to please visit w/ me, make my week end happy, fix the car as planned and help me be able to get outta this mess...if I needed to beat Ronnies ass I would do it myself!!!!! I don't need to bring in a navy seal to do it!!!!

As for me and David everything is going great I bought some new stuff for our new apartment again...18 new towels, cloths and new bake wear...I am feeling on top of the world...even if I am running trying to keep up with the turning....

Ok...thats where I am...and thats how I feel...I guess I should bubble my ass to bed and try to sleep....I know its not gonna b easy but I must try...lol

Blessed B...

BA

BTW....I have added the link to teddybearlove to my drop down menue....other than davids bday stuff its all in there...I will b adding pages daily:) watch 4 the updates....

FUN TIMES

2002-02-17             4:43 a.m.

Well the visit with auntie and unkie went great...we had a blast...only one bad note...the car was worse than we thought...i'm sad..it's gonna cost me a small fortain....but it's my mothers car and i have the need to hold on....

so i will get it fixed...i just hope i can still move when i am done...

tonight we got into a whip fight...lets say mulitple bruises...but i was laughing too hard to even feel it too much....one whapped started a full war...battle of the whitts...she would whap me i would whap her...she caught my boob i bet 100 times...the right one has some pretty colors on it...lol...a few blue stripes on my arm too...i am gonna have fun explaining that one...ppl know I am strait...but what r they gonna think when BA has bruises from a whip...lol....just say war wounds...lol...btw i decided a truce was in my best...after the 6-8th bruise...lol (not fair when i had my cat o 9 and she has a riding crop) I brought out the belt its much harder....

I am sitting here waiting on David to get in...here it is almost 5am...i have too meet them 4 breakfast b4 they leave...I am gonna miss them...it's really been great....maybe they will find us a home there...but the way things r goin i wouldn't hav the $$$ if they did...

Ok I am gonna go....hope that caught u up...have fun...

Tired, Bored and drained

2002-02-18             1:59 a.m.

I woke up late today, went to shoneys to eat breakfast with GL and Todd....I almost cried but I didn't...I hope everything turns out for the best...

I just keep thinking about the move and all the money that the car is gonna cost...man i hope i can pull this off.... I know I am not gonna stay here...I can't deal with Ronnie any more...and Its definately time for a change...Some where something is gonna come thru...and I am gonna make it happen...I may be facing another down pore of rain...but I have my umbrella..and the fight is on...2 weeks and I AM OUTTA HERE one way or another...

David has his neices this week so, I won't get to c him much...That sux, really really really sux! I have slept more today than any other day....why cause why get outta bed when I am bored...not to mention drained...

Tomorrow is gonna b a long day...I hav to take Ronnie to wk, kids to school,then go to johns...to go get 12-1400$ yahoooooo!!!! then i gotta call the shop to come get the car...I will hav it fixed!!! I WILL!!!!!!! then the rest of the day i may as well pack my shit!...

any way I am just too tired to move and just a lil sore on the arm....(bruises)

I'll catch u later...

 midnight wake up

2002-02-19             4:25 a.m.

I just woke up its the middle of the night, this is the second time tonight. I had a strange dream a few hours ago about my father who I seldome even think about.... in the dream he called, it was in referance to my life story on line....hum, strange since my father never takes interest in my life. It was a defince call....he was wanting me to rewrite it leaving out what he had done...I held tight told him to kiss my ass and woke up b 4 i could finish my dream....I hav no idea what triggered that shit, but oh well....

I haven't gotten to talk to David all day, a big bummer since i have only missed a few days since Dec. One day without talking to him feels like eturnity. leaving an empty feeling in my heart....he means so much to me.... his neices r staying this week and this means that his time is with them...after all he won't c them after the move...he is training one of his neices in self sought paths...the shadow world...not easy in such short time...but the child needs guidence....and he is the only one w/ experiance so it's his job....I admire his efforts...wish I had of gotten that when I started my own path...

any way I guess I will return to bed, doon't look like I am gonna get to c him tonight...

Blessed B!

belly peirced

2002-02-19             2:44 p.m.

I got brave today...I went to tangels and got my belly peirced.... Its a lil sore and tender but I didn't scream like I thought I would... I can't wait til It gets healed so i can get what I want in it...I need to go shoppin on line...that way I can find what I want... I am lookin 4 two things a gold hoop w/ a pent on it...and a belly chain....yep I'm on my way...

any way I just wanted to record this day so i can look back and find the 6 weeks mark after all I loose everything...lol

my po'pup

2002-02-20             1:26 a.m

I have finially calmed down enough to write about my evening.....earlier today I was so happy I had finially gotten my belly button peirced....i came home...slightly sore after a few hrs i layed down...I was woke up by a screaming child, mom he been hit again...it was dylan and he was telling me that my pup got hit again...yes this is the same lil shit I just spent over a hundred dallors gettin fixed a week or so ago when he got hit...the same pup I saved from a vet that wanted to murder him...I had nursed him back to health he was running again...his stiches almost healed...

I told the kids " DO NOT LET HIM OUT SIDE!!!!" what they do...they let him out now he is dead....I have cried and shook and fell in and out of shock....by the time i got to the street his blood was everywhere and he was taking his last breath....a peice of me died on that street....I tried to save the life of that pup....and I failed...I failed him...and I failed me....I am so depressed tonight...then again who wouldn't b after all that...

I took a bath by candel light and meditated for a while...I cleaned my house and now I am back to thinking about Oscar....that blood...I can not handel death...I'll never understand why....

I guess I am rambeling I'll cut out now....

The day after

2002-02-20             10:45 a.m.

Thanks MOI I appreciate the warm feelings, I wish it were under better circumstances but, not possible at this time.

Last night was rough, I don't know who woke up with more nightmares me or the kids. I still feel numb and yet like I could cry at any time....life has a way of screwing up most of my plans this just happens to be another one of those situations...

The powers that be must have really wanted him for somin special . he was a good pup, friendly and fun loving, playful and good with the kids....he was just head strong and courious leading him to the streets....what is it about dogs and chasing cars....why didn't he learn the 1st time....I'll never know.

My belly is still sore but is lookin clean...I still can't believe I went and shoved a needle in my belly. I just keep cleaning it and hoping that it don't get infected like other ppl's that I have seen. the kids are amused by what I did....

oh well....I think I am just gonna climb back in bed.....my nose is running my head stuffy and my throat hurts, as if depression isn't bad enough...b4 I go I guess I'll call the guy about the car give him an altimatium. fix my car or I'll find some one else who wants the money more...

I guess thats it I'll keep you informed about the way we are feeling.....

Doctors, Wedding Dresses , And That Wonderful Man Of Mine!

2002-02-22             2:29 a.m.

Today has been fun...I went to the dr. they doubled my zoloft (antidepressants). I hope it makes me get my head together i hav alot to do and lil time to do it. I found out I have strep throat. and the dr. is watching my brusing body closely. he says that it could be anything causing these bruises to happen so easy.

Other than that I went house hunting today...no luck drove 2 hrs away and found nothin....its another sad search...I am going back Sat. and lookin more...I hope I don't hav to stay in south boston...ewwwwww! David would hate it here.

I hav a lil over a week and still havn't found a house...i bet i don't make my goal....

I went lookin at dresses on line today to c what I could find for my ceramonys...I found a few really great ones but these are my two favorites. I get all excited when I look at em...Yes I know they are not traditional But neither am I.. I want this to be special and nothin says Queen like velvet! Purple is my color and black my passion...the older fashion is wonderful...I can always wear em to a Renassance festival in later years. THEY R BUEATIFUL! This is My Handfasting Dress and This is My Wedding Dress

I just got to hope my dreams come true.... I am so attached to that man! Totally head over heals in LOVE with him.

Over the last few days our time has been short his neices r takin his time...I won't complain too much...but I miss him somin terrible... I am not use to having to wait to c his face...I have been spoiled by his time and attention. Not easy to share that but I manage.

Anyway I am gonna carry my ass to bed...I have had a long last few days...and its gettin longer by the minuet...

SHADS ANGEL

2002-02-23             4:09 a.m.

with David being the only thing on my mind I feel it best if I just use the poem that I wrote a few min ago as my entry. I hope you enjoy it. may the power of love touch your soul!!!
BA

housing possibilities

2002-02-24             1:26 a.m.

Today has been very busy and very interesting...oh some good some bad, some i am undecided on. I guess I will know tomorrow if my house search paid off today.

I looked at the perfect house....4 bedrooms up and 4 rooms in basement...I could hav my pets and a yard close to city but country effects...creek in the back. stove and dryer included...It's a wonderful home...I have to call the man back in the evening tomorrow...I hope that I become blessed and get it....

I c definate possibilities...I could have a play room, laundry, bar and even a dungen...could u just see my dreams commin true in that house...I could...oh how I could...and only 550 a month...its bueatiful....send on the good vibs plzzzzzzzzzz.

I can't tell David til papers r signed and money is paid per our agreement...I hope it wks out I am runnin out of options...

anyway I'll go away now...

c~soon

BA

lost the house, but I'm still ok!

2002-02-25             12:19 a.m.

Life is a bitch I tell ya. I didn't get that perfect house I wanted...kind of had a feeling that was gonna happen...this really sucks!.....but I am not gonna let it get me down...I am gonna move and I am gonna get my ass back on strait!

This is just a minor set back...nothin time can't fix...just gonna have to wk harder and find something...

thanks to my fabulous support group of friends/family...I yhave not killed any one yet...hehe haha! and thanks to merical drugs like zoloft I haven't fell cryin on the bed and refused to get up...I'm gonna be ok...I hope...lol no I know I will I am stronger than the forces that seem to be tryin to get in my way...

Either I will win this war or will die tryin...I have 4 kids to think about and damn it they deserve better than what they have been dealing with here with Ronnie.

Ok I'll step down off my soap box and relax...my time is commin...my rainbow is in site...luv ya'll blessed Be

down time.

2002-02-27             12:13 a.m.

these last few days have been a down time for me I hav alot happening, i have been tryin to move out to get away from asshole and it's been a rough hunt...i didnt get the last few houses i wanted for what ever reason... and money is gettin low along w/ my spirit....I am not giving up, just feelin blue...everyone has those days, its nothin to worry about....

the second and most straining thing on my mind is the loss of our friend, guild momma/leader and family member aryn....she has quit walked away, returned with a new name and idenity.... she just isnt the same any more....no one understands my feelings and i feel so displaced... I am so about ready to leave the guild...i am tryin to let my feelings die down...

I really can't say more except that there r others that feel like i do...i can't name names or anything.....i am just the only one who is standin up this strongly 4 what i believe in...this is heart wrenchin...to say the least...so please bare with me...I might take some time off....let my emotions simmer.... I do love ya'll.....wish me luck....

on the edge

2002-03-01             1:02 a.m.

theres so much layin on my heart these days...between real life which has hit a wild roller coaster period , and my online family life I have been emotional...I have put off my feelings at home to morn the loss of one of my dearest friends and mentors aryn70, aryn was the momma of our guild family...the icing on our cake...she was funny and loving, passionate about her work and her family , she supported us through life...there wasnt nothin i wouldnt have done for her....then one day she died...no not a mortal death but a personality death....when she returned she wasn't the same in any way...she was rude, un emotional unless it was resentment, she no longer cared who she hurt or how....I seen the change immediately and began to fear for get...knowin that tellin her how i felt would cause her to hate me I backed off...

I also backed off because her lover gl is another of my valueable friends and mentors....gl aryn and todd who is gl's hubby were a threesome...no not somin i would enjoy but they seemed so perfect....its say... gl is suffering a great loss from not being involved in aryns change...she was forced to accept it...creating a gap in their lives....gl is emotional and feels like she will end up divorced...she has asked todd to end his thing because of this...he doesn't wish to do so...she is heart broken...two ppl she loved so much hav changed over night...and she is alone...sure she has us but she loves them...

we closer members hav felt a tremendous loss...maybe i feel it more i was very very connected to her...loved her as a friend and as family....I was asked to run for her position today...crying I accepted...its me, my darlin and another guild member....most say i will get it but david is so well spoken and level headed....i wonder if i'd hav a chance... after all he rocks my world and makes me whole....

the only reason i want to try is cause of aryn and gl's dream...to bring the wpg to real life... make it apart of everyday living.... these ppl r everything...they r the support....most the time and like true friends they tell u how it is which is somin the new aryn otherwise known as kasura dont understand...she thinks we r betrayin her when it is her that has changed and left us feeling empty...there is nothin we can do except morn our loss and hope for a healing.....

If i could talk to aryn the momma one more time I would tell her how much we love her, i love her, how much i miss her...how badly it hurts that she is not apart of my life.....but if i tried kasura would tell me off like she has been doin so many others....

is keepin a candel lit 4 her burnin a whole big candel a nite.... thats friendship...if u love somin let it go if it comes back it was yours if not it never was to begin with.....

in sadness i will close....I am sry for my down time.....

BA

words of relief

2002-03-02             5:46 a.m.

I am very tired right now I hav spent days with very lil sleep....but I am hanging tough....

I read pages in a friends diary that caused grief today...that probably makes that person happy...as for me I am far from happy about it.....

I have been judged and bashed and yet I refuse to stoop to the level of retaliation..... I believe that my friend and mentor will again show her self...it may take months or even years but one day that person will wake up and realize that he gave up everything for a fantasy.....sad really....

my thoughts and energy goes out to everyone who is involved in the termoil...I know everyone is hurtin and I am deeply affected by the chaois....

My heart goes out to my closest friend sharon who by far does not deserve the pain she is facin....it's hard to believe all the happieness that we shared as a family is now gone..... Sharon I luv ya hun, we all do....and I promise as long as there is a breath in my body I will b here 4 u....

ARYN I say this here...I love ya too...I wish things were differant...I hope u the best in life....if there is a life....I know u hav several personalitys I miss the one known as aryn/momma. as for the kasura side...well it seems to me kasura has lost more than she will ever gain....and I pity that part of tammie.

and then there is todd, I hope that what ever happens, the gods hav mercy on your soul....u r loosing a wonderful woman i hope what ever ur plans r now that they r worth it....I thought u were bein honost when u promised a life long friendship then i find u to b a man not so worthy of my trust and admiration....

as for me...I am sad and hurt but I have the support of the best damn friends a person could ever hav and i will grow from this experiance....

blessed be:

BA

opinions

2002-03-06             5:27 a.m.

Before I lay back down, I want to take a few minuets to say some things to the ppl who think it's a good idea to continue to harrass me. First of all....GET A LIFE!!! I have, I have a wonderful life that is only gettin better with everyday. I deleted a guest book entry today where miss COWBUTTS turned my diary into one of those cut throat review boards, who never have anything good to say about ppl... In my personal opinion a person has a sad life when all they can do is sit around all day and cut other people down... spreading negitive emotions never helped this world.... On another note I could very well thank both COWBUTTS and that sleezy review board because i get free publicity...most know when they read those crazy reviews that its all bullshit...so I will look at it with positive eyes and simply say thank you.... thank you for creating links , and making more traffic for my site...

On a differant note, the wpg elections have begun, I am excited about running for council, It's a personal thing for me, It means being in a position that will help insure that the wpg continues to grow...I am very hopeful that one day we will be capible of real life gatherings....I have the dream, I have the want to...now all I need is the ppl to stand beside me...I am hopeful but at the same time I know that council is just another title that getting that title or not will never change me...

both star and myself have been sick these last two days. Sry I haven't been around much...but between campaign speech writing and preparing my new domain Its been a long last few days...

any way....I will let ya'll go with one finial set of words...

BY THE POWER OF 3 X'S 3, LET EVERYTHING U DO COME BACK TO THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessed Be:

BA

good news/bad news

2002-03-07             6:08 a.m.

GOOD NESWS? BAD NEWS?

ok bad 1st... the wpg accounts hav been frozen...yes u heard me...and i been up all nite worried to death...surely the neo team is gonna reconcider this mess and fix the problem.... its causin a lot of sour vibs let me tell u...I can't stand all the finger pointin... (aryn if u r readin this I in no way shape or form believe you had anything to do with this and i think who ever accused u owes u a public appology) as for anyone else from the wpg who reads this we are gonna get thru this , if we have to rebuild from ground up....have faith.....

on a better note my new domain is up and my front page is well on its way to bein published...u can c the wk i've done so far at www.true-emotions.net I am not creatin a link yet from here but in due time i will be redoin my whole diary again cause i want to host my own stuff....learnin has been a hetic job.... but i'm in for the long run....

I still can't believe i hav come so far in web design, taught myself everything...

anyway I'm outta here...cautch ya later....

BA

ups and downs

2002-03-12             3:28 p.m.

Isn't it ironic? Our landlord decided to give the house to the drunk,non wkin bastard I live with...why ???? because he is a male shovinistic fool yes i realize i spelled that wrong...but fuck it! then when I know things r bad enough I go to transfer stars check and find out that she has been cut for this month...I tell u when it rains it pours.

everyday it gets more and more complicated....I sware if it wasn't for my children and David I would just wander off some where and never look back....

any way thats where i stand ...btw the wpg got their accounts back...I was jumpin earlier but now lifes a mess so I'll just say thank you to everyone who helped make it possible....

BA bazziar events

2002-03-17             7:08 a.m.

I figured I'd write a lil before I lay down for a nap....yes a nap those special things that ppl get to take, usually during the day....My entire nights sleep these days seem to be an hr or two nap...lol....I'll get my days and nights right one day...

Life just seems full of stress these days with the struggle to move and the bull shit within the family...I stay stressed...

My darling left the guild yesterday, this being a subject I cant say much about here be cause of confidentuality. what I can tell you is how I feel about it. It's awful when some one is made to feel like the only thing they can do is leave, leave something that they care about most, leave the friends just to save them from further conflict. Walking away from a home so to speak because there is someone amongst the us who makes manys life uncomfortable.

This leads me to the elections which will start very soon. Our guild is electing a new council member. a new leader so to speak, not an easy task especially when our family has gone thru so much. I am hoping for the best, and plan to do everything I can to hold things together. what else can I do...ppl rely on me to hold my head up and carry on...for me wking in the family is a blessing...I have found support and above all love within the guild walls.

I have a member of our guild family here tonight, he will b staying with me and the kids til wedensday...I feel so loved that ppl r willing to come hundreds of miles just to spend time with me, to get to know me on a personal basis...

well anyway...I'm gonna carry my sadden ass to bed, and hopefully get some well deserved rest...I'll try to keep you informed...

BA

PS plz bare with me and this diary while I clean the cob webs and give it a new appearance.....

THE EXPLOSION

2002-03-25             6:28 p.m.

Here is an update about what life is doing around me...I feel so shocked and torn up....worried and yet I am trying to be strong....

ronnie (my x aka now roomate) left the house to go c if the neighbor would let him and the kids fish in the pond dn the road taking my kids with him. he didnt come back i went lookin 4 him. found out that he had smoked weed in front of my kids taken them to a place where i hav a restraining order against made star drive the van which has no tags or insurance. she wrecked the van in a ditch....he caught it on fire tryin to get it out...they caught a ride home. I called the sherriffs office they came out. at 1st the sherriff wouldnt do nothin other than tell me to contact the magestrate. i called the magestrait. he refered back to the sherriff while i was waiting 4 the sherriff

star was cookin he went in got in her face he yelled at her 4 using his stove after tellin on him. i went in there told him to leave my daughter alone. we were yelling and screamin. he started gettin in my face.

I called the sherriff again told them to do somin with this drunk in my house that he is yelling at my daughter and gettin in my face. they came back out he admitted havin her drive the van they deciede to arrest him

had star write a statement after the officer read it he told me that he could take me too i asked why

he said that i knew she was driving the van, i didnt c her driving the van. I told him over and over that i didnt c her driving. he called me a lier. i didnt giv permission 4 her to drive i said they could go to the neighbors house. ...i told star if he went farther to get out walk home. but he stopped her....made her drive....one of the cops tried to tell her he could press charges against her 4 driving the van.i jumped his ass...I told him it wasnt her fault ronnie is a 40 yr old man he was responcible. The cop also said he could charge me for allowing them to go cause ronnie had drank (i guess about 2 beers but dont know he didnt seem drunk or nuthin) They arrested ronnie and he is in jail on 2 seperate charges of child abuse type things. after they booked him they came back, for a statement from me. I signed the rights thing because i didnt c that i had anything to hide. after he was done writing he informed me that i was also being charged w/ the same thing as ronnie...as i said he thought i lied about seeing star drive...when i know i was on line in chat w/ friends...i never got up. he kept calling me a lier...when i said i'd take a polygraph he said fine and when it comes back that u r lieing then i will charge u w/ pergery too. this is really messed up...I was tryin to help my kids, protect em...and now i am facing charges.... I am scared to death.....some ppl say they r only tryin to scare me...but put yourself in my shoes...I am a singel mom of 4 kids that I love more than life alone. and I stand a channce of loosing them.

Today I went and talked to an attorney he thinks I'll be ok...he dont c them actually charging me...I dont know I am still scared. I did get a restraining order against ronnie so he can't come back to the house until april 9th court date. I tell u life really sucks right now...I had hoped to get out of here with out a fight like this...but I will not stand 4 some one doing the things he did. I have learned so much out of this and am so sorry that I ever trusted him to go dn the street....

light candels , say prayers, send good vibes...what ever your faith tells you...these kids need their mother as much as I need them....

thanks

BA UPDATE on life these days

2002-03-27             11:02 a.m.

The crazieness of the last few days has been an eye opener. or should I say Ice breaker for pulling my self out of the bullshit I been sitting in.Ronnie is still in jail as far as I know, and the restraining order is in place. I am trying to pull everything together and stay busy. in the last few days I have been rearranging my house I even put the computer back in the living room where it belongs. incase you haven't read back to Nov. 2001 I had moved it in there so I could be left alone by him and at the time his kids. I can now open the window and door and feel the sun shine on my face...not that I really like the sun, but I do like the feeling of being able to breath again.

The kids are actually getting back on schedual, they get up on time, we cast our circle of meditation be fore parting for the day. when they return home from school they do homework and chores then we watch a movie or two...eat dinner and they get baths and off to bed...even I been laying down before 4am again...then again I am not worring if Ronnie is gonna pull somin stupid...he's not here to cause me that kind of worry.

I do feel sorry for him though, he just couldnt quit, he has to constantly drink and impare his judgement...I wonder if he will ever open his eyes to what he is doing...I can no longer let him affect our happieness and future. what he did was completely outta line and I wish him the best..as if I don't follow my faith that way Karma just might kick me in the teeth.

The landlord came by yesterday I am gonna pay him wedensday and the house is then mine. he seemed very happy with all the work I have done and was glad to help remove all the excess junk from the carport...

It's gonna be a rough month but I can do it. I just hope that the god/goddess continues to provide me with strength and love and keeps my family together.

with that I'll close...

Brightest Blessings

BA

what am I feeling

2002-03-28             11:58 a.m.

well another day another thought. Life is strange and unpredictable...who would have ever thought thet I would be sitting here like this all over again. what is it that makes me continue a cycle like this. I would have never imagined that Ronnie would end up like this. I honostly thought if I loved him enough that life would work out.

Even though I have romantically moved mon and my heart belongs to another I can not help but remember how happy I once was with that man. I use to feel special I use to almost feel loved....what a illusional life I lead...

Last night while talking to my best friend on the phone who happens to be married to ronnies brother I found out that (in my opinion) Ronnies family thinks I'm some cold hearted bitch...they don't even think I care that he is in jail or what he may be going thru...boy people really don't know me at all.

I devoted three years of my life to that man, tried everything to make things wk. and this is the thanks I get. he has apsolutely no care for me...he was willing to throw me and my kids out in the streetinstead of allowing us to keep the home we had. he smoked dope in front of my daughter. he could have killed her by allowing an immature child of 12 years of age to drive. my Goddess what was he thinking? I had told him several times that when she was older that I would teach her that she didn't need to learn now. Why couldn't he have listened? Why does he always have to be so stubborn?

I really don't want him to end up in jail...I wish the courts would make him get professional help...not by choice...don't let him walk out like he did the last time....Ronnie was at one time a wonderful father to these kids. at one time he really cared and I couldn't have asked for better. I talked to his sister one night when he was upstares at the hospital visiting his mom. She told me that the man I fell in love with back then was not the Ronnie that he is now. she said he never was that man. How do people change like that. why do I keep finding men like this.

I will forever have a place in my heart for the man I met the man I grew to love. But the man that he has become i honostly don't care if I ever see him again. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him around my children....we can not take his emotional abuse and the kids do not need him talkin about their mother...calling me a whore or a bitch, or whatever he happens to be thinking at that time.

I guess I'm gonna close 4 now maybe write more tonight.

Brightest blessings:

BA

"Work In Progress"

2002-03-28             3:47 p.m.

Ok PPL.... bare with me...I am in the proscess of changing my layout and well I messed up some of my links...so hopefully I'll figure this mess out soon...

thanks for your patients.

Blessed Be:

"The New Look Is Done"

2002-03-28             11:10 p.m.

I finially got it....The new look is done. MOI hun...let me know if it loads ok 4 u. I know u visit almost everyday so I suspect you'll tell me if somin is wrong.

I also updated the CAST page and my guest book page. Atleast I got alot accomplished today.

Have a nice evening.

"Updated Events Of The Day"

2002-03-29             12:28 a.m.

talked to the lawyer proscuting the case against ronnie we go to trial on the 16th ( i think it is)

that lawyer is out to fry Ronnie. I do not agree with this. throwin a person is jail makes them more resentful, what he needs is help I asked him to force ronnie into rehab. where he can not walk out like he did last time

He is set on jail time....**shakes head* he said I have the right to address the court and tell them what I want...I told him I WILL!

b4 ronnies drinkin got worse and the depression got heavy he was a good man. he was a good father figure twords these kids...Ronnie doesnt think especially when he is depressed and on a drunk....he needs help....he will not get that locked in a jail cell....I know I may sound too leaniant but is my personal opinion....like i told the lawyer...no matter what its over 4 him and I...but maybe w/ theropy he will over come his issues and be suitable for the next woman who falls in love w/ him....maybe if he handels his issues he can b a better father to his own kids.... right this second I know he is going thru hell....the DT's get painful...he is not only cut off alcohol but cigys too.....That kind of torcher I do not wish on my worse enamy. DT's are emotionally as well as physically painful.... I have seen him after 8 hrs. I can't imagine what he looks like now.... don't want to know actually.....

maybe its because at one time I was in love with the fool.....I don't know....but I hav to live with my own actions...and I was the one who let them go....If I get lucky enough to not be punished then gettin him help is what I would like to c happen.....I do not wish the worse on him....I can't it's against my faith. You can bet your bottom dollar that I will not make the mistake of letting my kids in another automobil in situations like that. I have learned another hard lesson in life and I could have lost my babys....this being somin that haunts me at night.

It's not easy being alone in a house with four kids and no support system here in real life....I have my online family and for that I am grateful, I just wish I had some one closer who could possibly understand......but there's not so I will manage I always do...I will just try to think positively and continue to stand up for what I believe in.....

with that I close

Blessed Be:

BA

"just dealing"

2002-03-30             5:20 p.m.

For reasons I can not explain I am sad today. Marg and John came and got Dylan and Starla for a few days on Easter eve at that.... I may not actually celebrate the holidays like I use to but there is a feeling of security having the traditional activities.I am broke and alone with the two lil ones and I personally feel shit on. not somin many understand.

Karin busted the hatch back window on my car and I dont know what to do about that...

I'm alone in the house I hate that....

I just wish David was here already and my life could move ahead....

oh well...I'm outta here....

to deal w/ myself.

BA

"sadness strikes the lonley heart"

2002-03-31             12:53 a.m.

Do u know what Its loke to be alone and afraid with thousands of emotions going through your head? To hav no where to go and feeling like no one understands. thats where I sit now. I'm alone...sure I have my friends on line. I have a man who I love with all my heart. but I don't feel right telling him how badly I need him here (irl) right now.

one chapter of my life is ending causing me grief and sorrow. while another is beginning unfortuantely not quick enough. I can't push because i don't feel its right. David has to do what he has to do. and its not going to be easy.

he has been so quiet lately I know why and there is nothing I can do to help him except love him. I know his promise means so much to him, and I know he loves me....I do not doubt that. I just can't help but wonder if he is going to be able to do this without loosing what makes him ...the David I love so much. I don't want him to close me out. which is what I feel happening.

have u ever wanted somin so bad but feel like u should pull away to save the other person from pain...this is what I feel. I find myself crying, wondering if he would be better off where he is. if when he gets here if my love will be enough....

I guess living with ronnie for 3 yrs has left my self respect level very low...and makes me wonder what am I really good 4....no I don't want pity...please do not think that. I am just tryin to write what I am feeling and hope that someone out there identifys with me...if not no loss I've always worked things out before I'll be fine this time too....

It's just another one of lifes shitty pits and I'm gonna have to wade out one step at a time...rebuild what I lost (emotionally)

I just hope that I don't have to b alone too much longer...not sure I'll be getting outta bed if it gets much worse....the happy pills just aren't working anymore...and I don't even know how to feel about my life.

fuck it:

I'm going to bed...catch ya'll later...

"working things out"

2002-04-01             11:09 a.m.

Well, another day has begun and I feel no better than I did yesterday or the day before. I'm still trying to figure out what I am going to do. and where I'm going to begin. Change is never easy.

Being alone in this house has got to be one of my worst things. I have the kids but lack of adult conversation is nerve racking. I know me and Ronnie seldom talked but his being here made a differance. Most the time he yelled or complained about somin but the abused child that still lives in me see's that as attention (even at its worse). I know that what we been living was unhealthy and I know that in due time the pain will ease but it's gonna be a hard road.

I don't know what is happening any more. I am stuck with Ronnies stuff in the house. and bills up to my ears. I can't even start to think about my handfasting now. things with David have been quiet. I know he is dealing with personal issues such as his proise to never leave or intentionally cause her to leave...ut thats another story for another day. I love him to much to push. I know if it's ment to be he will come if not well...I'll have to eal with it...mind u I dont wanna but will if need be. love tht man so much.

Any way this day needs to get going c~soon

Blessed Be:

BA

"changes"

2002-04-01             2:56 p.m.

Thanks MOI I knew I could count on your input about the new layout. The archieve section is below the next button after the entry I will c about moving it over in a few. that layout took me forever because the last time it was done a friend of mine did it. I wanted somin exciting and more me ...glad u liked it.

As for my situation. Yes I am growing stronger and yes we are better off without Ronnie around here. I know times will be hard for a few months but I'm a survivor and I'll make it. these kids are my blessings in times like these. Everyday can't be peachy but everyday I learn to adjust alil bit more. thanks for the support.

David has been a rock for me in this situation. sure we have details to work out especially concerning where we will live and when these plans will make way to reality. but when I need him he is ALWAYS there. we've just been a lil more quiet lately.there is alot of stress on both sides and we are adjusting to the changes that we are going through. I'm sure time and patients hold alot when it comes to that area. ever since the WPG underwent the crazyness we have been so busy doing other things. I am hopeful that now that things are calming down we can get back to the basics.

on a brighter side I have been doing some creating. True-emotions.net is well on it's way. I am very excited about all the changes. I have added The new Pagan Pages, and am currently working on the newest addition. I have always loved the tales by Aesop I am working on bringing that to the viewers of my site. That is my passion right now. It's a way of letting my spirit fly. not to mention keep this brain of mine busy so I can't dwell on the pain. Hope ya'll vist my site.

Ok I'll shut up now. Ya'll have a great day. and remember no matter what you are going through you are never alone.

Brightest Blessings

BA

"I did it all by my self"

2002-04-03             8:58 p.m.

I am proud of myself. I actually did the bathroom all by myself. I put up wall paper and a new mirror it looks so much better. I almost want to live in there...lol...

other than that I did get a few more pages to my True Emotions site done today hopefully by this week end I can launch True emotions world of poetry. I am excited. I still have to upgrade my site I need the room...

any way I'm out of here...

have a good one its time for me to play...blessed be:

"fun fun fun"

2002-04-06             9:20 p.m.

Today has been a very stressing day, It actually started off well I got up began cleaning and tryin to catch up on laundry, it was a cool but sunny and slightly windy day. The clothes I hung last night were dry and I hung a few more batches.

I read the guild board answered neomails and proceeded to emails. when done I turned on AIM. I was almost immediately bombarded with a guild problem. If it isnt one thing its another. People hav differant opinions and when expressed some ones toes always gets stepped on sad but true.

Why can't we all get along in life, why does there always hav to b so much anamosity.

on a worse note Dylan caught the woods on fire. he found a lighter and next thing i know big fire in woods...fire trucks and bull shit. Damn it he is 9 yrs old he knew better. I sware life is a pain at times.

oh well im alive i guess i should b greatful

brightest blessings

BA

"Things shall get better"

2002-04-08             7:31 p.m.

this week has been mild but bust. I been catchin up on house wk. and gettin laundry conquared. John has helped alot with the kids and some minor bills . that is a blessing. at least i could use some of what I had for grocerys. It's tight but we are surviving. I'm feeling a lil stronger and not quite as shakey. Tomorrow we go to court over the restraining order. I had my counselor write a letter of reccommendation. it basically says that the issues of emotional abuse and alcoholism has created an unsafe enviorment for me and my kids and that it would b in our best interest for Ronnie not to return to the house. She also suggested theropy and meds for ronnie. I hope that her letter helps.

I know it's gonna b hard 4 awhile but I also know when times are tough I usually pull thru. so cross your fingers and send good vibs that things will continue to get better.

I do still feel sorry for ronnie but I know I can not change him and that my life must go on. No amount of Love can change an alcoholic and my love is no exception....I learned my lesson in the past. it's time to just pick up the peices and move on.

No one deserves to be abused. If u have been a victom of abuse seek help. my mother was murdered in a violent relationship I personally don't want to follow suit. Do U?

Brightest Blessings

BA

"True-Emotions self help pages"

2002-04-10             3:01 p.m.

Today I have been working on a new area of www.true-emotions.net I said it before and I'll say it again. I want True Emotions to become one of the largest of its kind on the net. I know thats a dream in it's self. but helping people is a passion of mine. I have felt alone and scared so many times in life I have felt like no one could possibly understand how I feel. so I am gathering info. of all kinds and placing it on display in True Emotions.

I know I have alot of work ahead of me and the site will forever be changing. but in the long run people will remember. the will gain knowledge strength. and the understanding that no matter what they r going thru they are never alone.

The area of my attention today is my self help index. (untitled at this point) I have gathered things on Depression, Child rearing, family relationships, drug abuse and many more issues worth reading. sry it may be awhile before its up and functioning. but soon enough it will be.

I guess I better go. I have to pick up star and get back to the house so i can b here 4 dylan and karin.

Brightest Blessings

BA

"Feelings"

2002-04-10             9:12 p.m.

I spent the evening fighting with the phone company trying to get the block off. I sware Sprint is on my last nerve. I am so tired of contacting them. listening to their lies and dealing with their sadly trained employees...oh well....

I am starting to move on with my life, getting the house together for David to join me. I been unpacking the stuff I packed last month and trying to prepare myself to pack Ronnies stuff. You know after all that man put me thru you would think I would be full of hate. BUT I'm not. I thought at times I did. But seeing him in the court room in shackels and cuffs about killed me. I wouldn't allow myself to cry or even show emotion..I kept it all locked up. I spent yesterday trying to recover from the image. I know he had better color and he was clean shaven. I noticed he looked healthier. I guess thats all I can be thankful for is that he is safe and sober and drug free. It's sad really. He use to be a good man. even if his family said it was a front. NO don't worry I am not concidering taking him back...I can't do that. after what he did with my kids...NO WAY! but I can deal with the emotions that I feel in my heart as I heal.

My life is changing, I know things have to get harder before they get better. I am fighting to stand on my own two feet. to creep through the files in my mind and breath again. I fight the blues by staying busy weather I am playing on line, cleaning house or simply playing with the kids as long as I am active I am better off.

I am watching my skys looking for the rainbow....

Brightest Blessinga

BA

"Thoughts"

2002-04-11             2:09 p.m.

Today I am basically sitting around thinking. I am very tired and not even sure how to put into words how I feel. It's been almost 3 weeks since I had anyone in the house except john for a few hrs. even then I can't really say he was much company.

My mind tends to invision Ronnie standing in the courthouse in the orange suit and cuffs/shackles. why does this bother me so much. why can't I just accept that what he done was wrong and that I am not to blame.

I go a few hrs ok, then it hits me again and I feel lost. Alone and sad. I fixed the phone so he can call but he hasn't yet leaving me wondering what he is gonna pull next.

what is it about him that makes me feel this way. He never actually loved me, he did nothin but critisized me and used me. Maybe its because my whole life i have been abused in one way or another. analizing ones self is a tough job.If I knew why I could fix it.

The wait 4 the future is somin else eating at me. here I am stuck in a place where I am 3000 miles away from a man I love desperately, waiting on a situation that is outta my control to finish so I can move on. All I can do is hope and have faith that soon David will be here with me. but u know sometimes I wonder what is actually gonna happen. we are still very quiet these days. and I know the lil insecuritys have been spoke of before. I know how he feels and I know how I feel.I worry that I am facing heart break again.

this is a tough subject for me. I don't wanna have these doubts. I wanna know that happieness is within reach. It's so hard.... I wanna tell David how much I need him here and how bad I want him here, but I can't...why because he is aware, his hands are tied right now there is no reason to make him feel worse. It would be easier if I knew a date to look forward to....but at this time its just not possible.

Our hand fasting is probably not going to go as planned. the days get closer and closer and he is no closer to being here....this also upsets me....We had all these plans that one by one hav falling apart.

I was suppose to hav a place of my own by march 1st he should have been here by now...by the plans we had made....

am I gettin on your nerves yet? I hope not as If I don't write some of these thoughts I'm gonna bust. Life isn't always peachy keen. Matter of fact I am constantly trying to over come one thing or another. but the key is I am fighting. I am not laying dn. giving up. I guess thats a plus...lol

anyway I'm outta here.

have a nice day:

brightest blessings

BA

"Talk about growth"

2002-04-13             11:38 a.m.

Today I am going to talk about growth:

Not just physical growth but inner growth. The last few weeks have taught me to entertain myself to look deeper within for happieness. Yes I hate being in a big house alone. but then I haven't been alone much in my life. I get bored, I get thinking its bad at times....but, all in all its not unbareable.

I don't have to answer to anyone. I come and go as I choose. I go to bed when I want and get up when I want. There is no one to bitch at me if I don't do things their way....Do I want to stay like this forever...Well...NO...but I can handel it for awhile.

gets a lil easier, things are happening to keep us comfortable and for that I am greatful. John went to the grocery with us yesterday. (thats the kids dad) he was suppose to shop for himself and help with the food cost for this week. instead he moved me to the side and covered the entire cost of this weeks groceries. That was nice. I never ask for much and when he does stuff like that it's special...

I get some of the strangest looks when he and I are out together. I over look it most the time...I guess The kids r lucky to have two parents who try to get along for the kids sake.

I'm still not eating very much but then comfort food was alot of my trouble before..now that the stress is releasing the need to eat like that is leaving as well...I know I have lost a few lbs but how much I hav no idea..(not enough in my book)

The kids are gettin back to schedual. We do everything together the house stays clean and I noticed they play together a lil better. These are all good things...

any way I guess the blessings are still around I just needed to open my eyes and look a lil bit.

Brightest Blessings

BA

"DEDICATION IN TIME OF EXSISTANCE"

2002-04-14             7:27 p.m.

This Entry and this song is dedicated to a very special man who entered my life and touched my heart. FAITH HILL LYRICS

"There You'll Be"

Even though we May never be together the inspiration and strength

he gave me will forever live with in my heart and soul

~I LOVE YOU DAVID~

"Brightest Blessings"

Blazing Angel

"in a nut shell"

2002-04-15             3:14 a.m.

Updating for the next few days will b impossible. I am under major stress and my life has taken another turn....I am dealing with a loss that is too embarrassing for words and the one person that understands me right now is feeling many of the same feelings.

I will not tell you why but My life with David is over and I am taking time out to heal. I don't know what to feel...dont ask me why but even though he has done something prime awful I still love him. he is important to my life. I will try to stay in contact with him....however I know that it's over especially after the vertict is read......

during this time I hav met on the phone the woman he was going to leave. she is a really nice person. she and I have some what bonded. we share many of the same feelings that most can not bring them selves to understand. I feel pulled to call her. I feel even more pulled to know her. I appreciate her not slamming the phone in my ear. I can feel her pain and I never felt so guilty. he turned out to be nothing like anyone ever imagined..even her and she spent 14 yrs with him ....wow talking a smack. I'm done...no more...I sware the next idiot w/ balls that approaches me is gonna catch hell...

anyway its almost 3:30am. I hav kids to get up in the morn. keep the healing vibs comming as I am sending most of mine to washington...there is three people there that need all the support of goodness they can get....NO! I don't hate him.....just so u know.....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"BETTER DAYS"

2002-04-15             1:16 p.m.

sometimes all I have to relate to is music so during this time of hardship use the things I put here as a reflection of what I feel as its the only way I can put into words. this one was just dedicated to me...maybe storm is right maybe it is my new theme song maybe it was brought to her attention as a way to help me identify.

brightest blessings

BA

Todays song: BETTER DAYS by Janet Jackson

"the trials on and I am scared"

2002-04-15             6:08 p.m.

Well I still won't say what is going on but it looks like they think they have the evidence they need. there will be an arraignment on the 22nd at 9am. ***sigh***

why me? I sware I want to nail balls to a tree...I had plans I had dreams. I had everything. and now its time to start over. I'm not gonna walk away from the situation. but I know its over....last night I slept one hour...one crazy fucking hour. my eyes flew open , I was sweating like it was 200 degrees and that was it.

food has no taste,, the sun though out is not lighting my world. its like there is a higher power that places love at the edge of my fingers...shakes it...intises me until I can't avoid the feelings and I allow myself to reach out become attached then cruely jerks the rug out from under my ass.

I was not looking for love when I found David. I wasn't...when things started gettin serious i wanted to run so bad.....but he was so special, so differant, so kind so caring. he made me feel important, like I was somehow intitled to happieness...yes it lasted 6 months and yes I am so greatful for the way he made me realize my own self worth.

I am going to miss that...I already do....he was there 4 me. I trusted him...i believed in him...I would have died for him...

wonder if i could just hand out knives to men and say here take your best shot...do u you can shove it hard enough to kill me this time...I know i know bull shit right...but at least I'm honost...thats what i'm thinkin... I'm sure that those who suffer from this shit have thought the same I just hav the brass balls to say it.

ok I'm going to go...please remember those unspoken and send healing vibs to our family

brightest blessings

BA

"If One Day"

2002-04-18             12:20 a.m.

During all this crisis I almost lost a dear friend from personal opinions that clashed. a lot of things were vented and for two days we felt like shit. we'll she came home to our family and I am greatful that she did. I never ment to hurt raven with my opinions. situations like these are never easy. well Raven sent me this special lil peice. and I in return want to post it here. I feel this way about all my dedicated friends...those who make my life easier because of their understanding...I also want to dedicate this to a new person in my life...Jen, hum if u get a chance to read here. please know u r in my thoughts....

Brightest Blessings

"I'll be away 4 awhile"

2002-04-18             2:18 p.m.

life just took a sucky turn. I am loosing my phone so i am loosing my connection.I thought i had it strait but as life always seems to do my luck turned...so I ask you to send healing vibs and email me at blazing_angel@true-emotions.net I have no way of being on an instant messenger please understand.

I am trying to upgrade all entrys everywhere so ppl i care about will be informed...Ronnie made a true mess of my life...I am now without David as well..I have to pick up the peices and carry on...I'll be back as soon as I can...

Brightest Blessings

BA

*grateful*

2002-04-19             1:34 p.m.

Well...I'm still connected to the internet, it appsolutely amazes me that as long as you are online they can not turn off the phone line...I am grateful today, grateful to my extended family members of the WPG.

through out the hard times in my life these past few months they have supported me and provided unconditional love. All my life I have tried to find a family unit where I belonged. it never happen...weather in marriage or otherwise. The WPG is more than a group of pagans. its more than a game. its a place of comfort, respect and open-mindedness. A family unlike anything I have ever experianced before.

The phone problems are gonna be solved because two loving hearts pulled together to help me and my family. I don't normally accept help but the situation is serious. I accepted a loan and the dept will be paid by the 1st. I feel so loved....

The pain with the David situation is still fresh and I can not help but still hold him special to my heart. That is true love...I don't know... I wish I knew the future, I wish I could look deep into the past witness things for myself but I can't. I've written him a few times already, now I'm waiting for him to return my letter.

the woman he lived with has been a blessing. a really strong emotional help. I wish she and I had met on differant terms. we are forming a friendship and I respect her so much. I know in my heart how much she loves David. and I hope life becomes peaceful for her soon. I have opened my heart and have found acceptance, strength and hope. maybe one day I will meet her in person.

Life has alot of rollercoasters, if its not one thing its another....I'm trying to hold my heart together. (does anyone have any duck tape?) lol for now I am taking things day by day, hoping for a brighter tomorrow and skys of blue to fall upon me again.

Brightest blessings

BA

"rollercoaster ride"

2002-04-19             7:52 p.m.

rollercoaster rides seem to be a normal thing these days. earlier I was over joyed by the kindness of my family. then I went to pick up John. he was suppose to do all these things including buy a printer 4 star so she could finish her report 4 school. then he said he would buy grocerys 4 the kids to be able to eat...he did do that but he bitched the entire time....I don't like relying on other people even if it's the kids dad...I know its his responcibility but I want to work, wish I could find a sitter who would take care of my kids....at lease my family don't make me feel guilty about accepting help...**shakes head***

at one point of being out w/ him I broke down crying, I know what I was thinkin but it was too much to hold inside....I had really believed that my life was changing, that I was gonna have a home with a man who loved me for me...that I was gonna finially build a life...here I am back at square one and by all means it hurts like hell..

I believed in love, I trusted, I charished every moment and looked forward to my rainbow...I only wanted two loving arms, and a soft voice that told me that I was special to them...some one to take care of and spend time with...some one who didn't distroy my heart...well so much for pipe dreams and romance...the fantasy is over and I sit alone...again...

ok im taking my pity party off the diary and gather my thoughts....

Brightest blessings

BA

"ups and downs and strength from my family"

2002-04-21             12:01 a.m.

everyday that passes I feel more and more like a fruitloop. I wanted to marry a man that had me ever so fooled. I sware the whole male race is making me sick...I have been contacted by other members of that family and learn more and more everyday. his neice tried to send me secrate message today. i called like i was asked not being annyomous or anything...I never got to talk to her and I know she got in so much trouble...I feel so bad , But as a parent i understand their concerns. I hope one day that I will get to talk to her again. I'd like to hear in her own words that she is ok. I want her to know that I do not blame her that I am open to talk to her and will be there if she needs to talk...but what can i do my hands r tied....

I havent been able to contact jenny and after what I heard today I am so worried about her...***sigh*** Jenny is a good woman who as i have said b4 has turned into a wonderful friend. I hope that time heals her heart and brings her happieness again. I hope the best 4 her family...I have lived the life they are leading and I know how emotional it is...

today john and marg came and got Ronnies stuff I cried...when i seen the car pulling away i fell to my knees and just cried...life is crazy nothing can ever be counted on...I cant write about what happen while they were here but maybe one day I will....

on a more up beat note. I want to post a pc from a conversation i had...changing all names but I don't know what I would do without my family....(here u go I hope it brings u the strength irt has me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

person1: Everyone count off!

person1: 1.

Blazing Angel 73: 2

person 2: 3

person 3: 4!

person 4:

person 1: ba...

Blazing Angel 73: yes?

person1: settle down for 3 minutes kay?

person 1: I have a speech to make

Blazing Angel 73: i am

Blazing Angel 73: k

Blazing Angel 73:

person 4: listens also

person3: ok

person 4: cuz i have no clue

person1: See the numbers up there?

Blazing Angel 73: yes

person1: They are interchangeable

person1: This chatroom isn't big enough for the 10000+ people that love you, and aren't going to leave you.

person1: You can put all of us in any order you need. We can be negative numbers, positive numbers, fractions, percents.

person1: As long as you realize the 2 people you are counting DO NOT add up to the ones who are here and love you.

person 1: And I'm not going to let you forget that.

person1: Understand?

Blazing Angel 73: yes

person4: sits down and is once again in awe of young person1

Blazing Angel 73: ***huggys and crys***

person4: mouth hanging open

person3: *claps*

person3: She's right

person1: Okay.. beta is done *shuts up*

person 4: no hun dont ever shut up

person3: We here love each other...probably more than blood family love each other

person3: No matter what happens that is bad in our lives...we should always keep these memories with us, because they will be the only things we care about when we're on the death bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

its ppl like these that giv me strength...and person one is a young teen...isnt she wonderful...

Brightest blessings

 *FAMILY*

2002-04-23             12:07 p.m.

the last few days I've struggeled to find

what the meaning of family is in my eyes.

I know it means more than the blood type of kin

It's standing together through the thick and the thin.

It's lending a shoulder in ones time of need.

laughing thru good times when our members susceed.

Its offering an ear when one needs to talk.

sharing time during lifes giant walk.

Family is a bonding it's a choice that we make.

It's loving the person dispite their mistakes.

Being family aint easy when the pain is at hand

but family trys its best to understand.

a family don't turn its back on the ones that they love.

They hold it together when push comes to shove.

A family seeks shelter in each others hearts.

when the going gets tough a family don't part.

A family is loving, its there til the end.

a bond thats forever thru thick and thru thin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

written with the greatest love:

Brightest Blessings

"Rant"

2002-04-24             4:46 p.m.

Life just gets worse and worse. I just got pulled over. the cop could have given me 5 tickets probably more instead i got one for child not in belt. I sware I get no breaks. i know i should b thank full that i only got the one. but I am broke, the car is a mess I dont know what the fuck to do any more.

Sharon got a letter from David. and I'm waiting to hear what it said. he says he wrote me but...*sigh* it didnt come. she says he wrote in his letter he told me everything...DAMN IT! I WANT THAT LETTER!

Sharon gets the letter. Davids mom calls Sharon. Here I thought I was marring this man and I'm the one most in the dark. and u know I worry about him so much. I must really b a fool:(

I think I'll go cry in my pillow 4 awhile...yes I'm emotional; yes I have a fucking right to be. If u don't like it Get over it!...Gotta heal before I can deal.....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"A Lonely Kind Of Love"

2002-04-25             12:22 a.m.

If those of u that know my circumstances know I love ya'll for those that don't take this how ever u want

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my heart there lives a shadow

A love that I hold dear

I lay clinging to my pillow

Alone releasing tears.

I'm scared and I am lonely

My beliefs misunderstood.

Emtiness takes over

With my heart I still see good.

The internal fight is endless.

For I know what lies ahead.

If I choose the love inside me.

I'm gonna loose my friends.

All that I have worked for,

goes flashing through my mind.

Years of hurt and anger

Come back time after time.

I know no one can help me

with the choices I must make.

My chest begins to tighten

with each breath it's forced to take.

I want to wake to blue skys

instead I wake to rain.

the things I use to love the most

now just causes pain.

I have to watch my footsteps

as others can not deal.

so I slip off alone to write.

In hopes it helps me heal.

The time it passes slowly

As I wait to find my peace.

crying silently to myself

until atlast I fall asleep.

Written by: BA

"A Scarey Horoscope"

2002-04-25             4:48 a.m.

Your Daily Horoscope for April 25, 2002

Dear Jesilyn,

There is intimacy in the air over the next few days. Loved ones suddenly want to spend more time with you, and you find yourself wanting to invite friends over every night of the week! By all means, do so. You will be recharged, and some of the wonderful discussions you'll have could really lead to something great! However, there may be a bit of tension in the air to temper all that closeness, as not everyone will totally agree with your points of view on things...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK thats scarey, keep all men away and close the windows, lock the doors. Jesilyn needs to walk away from all temptation to fuck up.

Yes I realize what time it is and that I am awake again. Thoughts of david linger in my mind and visions of life leave me staring into the darkness.

oh well I just wanted to remember this horoscope and make comment.

Brightest Blessings

 "The letter from David"

2002-04-25             6:58 p.m.

Where to begin.... I got my letter from David today and My heart is aching like I'm dying. He can not discuss his case but said enough for me to know. I won't put everything he said in here but I will place everything concerning "The Family" . he says he wants to call me, i can't wait til he gets my number so he can. i will always love him. My heart is in pain, the kind that turns physical. My tears stream down my face as my dreams fall apart. I know that even the closest family can not understand how I feel and many would rather turn away from talking about things than to help me deal with it. I do not hold that against ppl I can't for I know everyone needs to follow their own hearts. I appologize if my reaction is not what u expected from a mom of 4. but I also am human...with that I will leave what David had to say in his letter:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in his letter he questioned my love , he says he knows he should not hav to ask but he needs to know. he sent me all his passys to his accounts and asked that I look after his emails, his neopets. He wanted to know if I would be a middle person to "The Family"

He sends a special message to WWW. he wants to know if she got her card, if she liked it, how many signed it, he says he did the best he could with it and he hopes it made her smile.

He sends This concerning Epona: How is Epona taking all of this? She is a special person, seeming so fragile and yet so strong all at once. Does she hate me? will she when this is all over? she told me once that she loved what I wrote. will she still? he says he knows it seems small to worry about but still he conciders her close family.

To asa he sends: how sry he is for the position he put her in and the family in. this was never his intent.

he sent me his mothers phone #.

He asked me to make special pages on his web site. the front like wolfys card titled "Poems, Ponderings and Prayers of a Pagan Inside" He wants me to create the pages so that others know and understand what it is like there, how it kills from the inside out he wants it to serve as a reminder to hold on to all things we take 4 granit because one day they might not be there

he asked if i will still stand beside him? if he should have remained silent?

He writes about being bannished from the WPG. he writes" In this u r actually 1/2 wrong if the transgression was against someone not there to fdefend themselves and the person accused was not there to defend themselves (unless very exceptional circumnstances) I would not have banned the person until proven guilty. instead of mearly accused. Even then I would ban to protect the family, but not pagans as a whole."

he wanted me to make one last post in his name. (this being somin I can not do but will post here) HE WRITES:

Let the family know, that I still love them. I know that many think harshly of me but gentle remind them that they have heard but one side of the truth and have already pronounced me guilty. ask them from me if they already have their torches lit ready to burn yet another witch with out a proper trial? tell them that I know that some do that I know that some would do it too. Tell them that I forgive them for it and that I still love them. Tell them that this is the true mark of the family and friendship. *being able to seperate the accused action but still support the individual.* These words may seem a lil harsh but you said that you have already lost one friend because of me. Let those words above speak in defense of me. I have not yet been found guilty and even if I am, true family will seperate the act from the individual. Those that can not were never truely family to begin with. I may stand virtually alone for this, But I would rather it be so than to be surrounded by those filled with hate for me. In this way I can defend myself a lil and hopefully you will not loose another friend because of me.

He says that he fears that his words are written in vain that he has already lost me.

he asks that I make a list of those who want to hear from him that way he hopefully will not miss anyone.

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Again I say to you No matter the out come of this I WILL stand beside him, I WILL B there 4 him, and I WILL forever love him.

Brightest blessings

BA

"A Midnite Experiance"

2002-04-27             12:09 a.m.

tonight I took time to lay out on a blanket under the stars... I thought about how I hadn't done this in such a long time. as I laid there my mind wandered to another world where My heart could be whole again.

I wanted to lay there and sleep but didnt dare because of the neighbors. its just a few moments of time but so precious...*sigh* as I layed there i couldnt help but release a few tears..

it was so peaceful out there i could hear a bird singing, and a cricket chirping, the wind blowing lightly the full moon glowing....**thought that maybe each night I should start writing about it and send it to David*** I know he can not enjoy and connect to this as he once did. and when I am out under the moon I feel a closeness to the love I hold dear.

before comming back into the house I paused, blew a kiss at the moon and bid my love a peaceful nites rest. I hope that all the lil things I do finds its way to him and he continues to to hang on to the strength to make it through this horrible time.

Brightest Blessings

BA

"Healing"

2002-04-27             1:07 p.m.

Today the sun is shining, the wind lightly blowing thru the trees. I have already done neo and my emails. Life goes by slower than it use to each day seems to linger on. There is much to do and yet I am bored. I still wait to hear his voice and watch the mail like a hawk for his next letter. I know I am still living in a dream, a dream that I hold dear despite all I know he has done.

Healing is never easy and when there is love involved sometimes it takes longer. you want to hold on to what was, to your dreams to the love, and yet you know those things will probably never be...not due to lack of love and passion but due to circumstances.thats where I am. I want things to work out with all my heart but I know that the situation is that which won't allow it.

You know what makes it even harder? Its knowing that the closest ppl in your life can't handel it when u talk about the things that bother u, or they can't handel that you may try to make things work. I don't blame those people as I love them. I just hold friendship and family higher than that. I know that we as humans fuck up and sometimes we fuck up really bad but the person is still human. they still need support or they will cease to exsist.

I don't know, I am trying to pull my life together, to find my way out of the darkness and gloom to a safe secure and happy land. All I can do is hope 4 the best. to begin to bandage the wounds and hope the scars arent too deep. maybe that is asking too much....Only time can tell...

with that I'll close

Brightest Blessings

BA

"another day another thought"

2002-04-28             7:13 p.m.

I hav a migrain from hell, and the kids won't stop fighting. Sometimes I wonder why I even try...I spent the day cleaning the house i even cleaned my room, a dreaded chore since Davids stuff is still hanging on my wall...

I know I have many readers that are trying to figure out what happen between me and him when everything was so perfect...I'll just say this...he got his ass in trouble and now The plans we had made r gone. I am healing but not tuurning my back on him I created the site he asked me to make and will b waiting his next page to make.

Life is so weird I sware if it isn't one thing it's another...I still hate being alone in this house and some times I miss Ronnie. I found abunch of his pictures today while cleaning my room...talking about a knife in the heart... But u know I miss the man I hav missed for over a year and a half...***shakes head*** Some fools never learn I guess...

Right now I am basically living day by day and letting nature take its course, if the powers that be want me to find someone again they will deliver that person to my door step...I'm not looking any more..

That person better enjoy cuddeling, he better like to spend time together...the simple things in life that I have missed so long. a soft touch, a spare of the moment kiss...a hug for no reason...yes I want all the sweet lil things life has to offer.

But like I said I am not looking....

the wounds from the last two broken hearts r still fresh and I'm gonna take a lil while to heal....

OH WELL....another day another thought.

Brightest Blessings

BA

*sigh*

2002-04-29             7:56 p.m.

*sigh* I got another letter from David today most of it I wont ex0press here because I do not understand what he is talking about ... My heart aches to hear his voice I know it will only be a few more days but it is so hard..

He is so full of doubt that I will stand by him and support him...I can't turn my back not after Donnie! not after donnie committed suicide and left me with a life time of guilt and pain...I won't ever feel that pain again... Yet I fear...

I await the trial. I await the discission, the discission that will put my life into the path of the future...I have months of healing ahead and by all means the roller coasters will continue to run...ups and downs...but isn't that life?

I'll survive, I maybe hurting and confused and feeling very much alone but I'll survive...

I also got a very supportive letter from Jenny today, I don't know how she can accept me but she does...it takes strength to reach out to as most say "the other woman" I still feel guilty knowing that both of us want him...knowing that both of us love him... When she asks me if I hav messages 4 him...I tell her the small stuff and ask her to giv my # but I can not bring myself to have her tell him ho0w much I love him...this is somin I have to do on my own...

I got a call from his mom yesterday, a very sweet lady, I felt so sry for her I can't imagine having a child in jail...wondering where u went wrong...no she didnt say that but what parent wouldnt feel it...she was basically checking to b sure that david had the right # this time...and he does..but after the 60$ collect call between me and jenny. I hav to wait til I pay that 1st. this will happen 1st thing Wedensday...I can not wait til I pick up the phone and hear his voice...Its sure to bring me to my knees in tears but worth every second of the pain...

Oh well enough...I'm gonna go may write more later..

Brightest Blessings

BA

"life"

2002-05-04             6:36 p.m.

Life what can I say.... Its an adventure of the unknown. *sigh* I have recieved two letters from David in two days and each he tells me of his love for me. he tells me how much he needs me and what my support means to him... If he only knew my dreams, my hopes...that my life seems so empty without him...what am I going to do?

I still wait on his call and even sleep with the phone. each nite I return to the out doors to send my love thru the stars. I try to hang on to hope and faith and look for goodness in those around me.This not being a very easy job any more...It gets harder and harder to b optimistic when u feel u have been cursed to a life alone.

I don't sit around crying, I am working hard to stay busy ...I clean house I play neo, I try to converse with my family on line...but sometimes when no one is around I lay and cry.

I have heard it said that crying clenses the soul and that its a good releast but, I feel that u can cry too much.

Jenny called me awhile ago, It was nice to hear from her I had been so worried. I never know what to think and when she goes so long without talking I begin to think I said somin wrong...I don't want to loose another friend:(

ok well Im gonna go may write more later

brightest blessings

BA

"A Peaceful Dream"

2002-05-06             4:23 p.m.

I just woke up from an amazing dream, of course I know that it will never come true but its better than the night mares I've been waking to.In my dream I was in davids arms safe and secure, no one else around and we danced under the stars. in my dream i didn't hav to deal with all the issues at hand. i could melt in his arms, feel the passion from his kiss and just enjoy.....I know it's just a dream but I woke up for once in a peaceful mood.

I've recieved two letters in two days and await more. in his letters he asks for support and that I not turn my back on him... I couldn't ever do that...EVER.He reminds me that I am still very special to him and that he loves me very much. I still don't know what I'm gonna do I just live my life day by day.

I still find myself thinking about Ronnie and everything that happen...makes me scared to give my heart away again. This house is still very lonely and sitting here sometimes brings back memorys of brighter days...I hear that Ronnies sister may be taking whiskers...I know I have no control over that but it hurts...since ronnie has been gone whiskers has stayed at my feet, he sleeps w/ me and plays with me...It's gonna be hard to say good bye to my old friend when the time comes...I know its gonna hurt the kids but The truth is whiskers isn't ours....so what can we do? NOTHIN!

the car wouldnt start today the batterie was dead so the kids didnt make it to school...I tried everything but no luck. we live too far out in the sticks to accomplish anything...hope to hav it fixed by morning.

Did I tell you about the new drugs...the ones that kick my ass....oh yes the dr gave me new pills. on top of what I am already on...they knock me out cold if I take a whole one, and will still space me if i take half. but I'm not crying, screaming and shaking anymore. I'm just high!!!!! I don't like that feeling but I guess it will take awhile for my body to get use to em...I hate the sweats most...I stay so hot!

any way, I'm outta here for now hope everything out there in your worlds is well....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"I'm Awake... Are You?"

2002-05-08             2:56 a.m.

well....its 3am and here I am wide awake again...Jenny just called, NO she didnt wake me up I had been laying for about 30 min looking at the ceiling...

Today I created and replaced Davids origional web site with what he wanted. As I reread the poems and the memorys raced thru my mind I couldn't help but gasp for air....why me...why must I still be so deeply inlove with him..

I cling to a future that will never be in hopes to finially has a fantasy life that doesn't exsist. each day I hold the phone in hopes he will call and still he hasn't gotten thru. Emptiness fills my soul. Pain fills my heart.

It's been one day shy of a month since he's been gone and the knife still churns in my back. I write him 10 page letters every day and mail them...providing him with loving support while dying inside... He was my everything for months now here I am alone dealing with life.He was my best friend and in many ways maybe he still is...not like my other best friends...I could talk to him about anything...I didnt fear judgement...I didn't fear abandonment I didn't feel shame...I recieved only understanding and warm affection...

How can something so bueatiful be concidered so evil...How can people expect me to turn my love off like a focet.. I can not do this...I must be true to myself...I must be true to my beliefs that goodness can conqure all...that despite what he did there is still a good man in there that was there 4 me in my darkest time of need.

I'm sry to those who can not understand my feelings...or who can not except them...I do not mean to let you down...I don't.... I am me...and if I don't follow my beliefs I am no more than a hypocrit.... I don't know...confusion still fills my head as I think about the situation....

I'm gonna try to lay back down maybe I can fall into a fantasy where peace love and romance fills the air. and there really is a knight in shining armour.....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"BITCHDOM"

2002-05-08             9:46 a.m.

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a

bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my

mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a

bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I

live

my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I

refuse

to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The

same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being

everyone's

maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and

strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone

else's

idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and

determined. By God, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with

that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every

ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes

me a

bitch, so be it! I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe

I - In

T - Total

C - Control of

H - Herself

B = Beautiful

I = Intelligent

T = Talented

C = Charming

H = Hell of a Woman

Send this to all the bitches you know, OR anyone you feel should become

a

bitch! From the Sisterhood of Bitchdom!!! May we all get what we want,

when

we want it and how we want it, because we sure as hell deserve it

"MORE SHIT ON MY SHOULDERS"

2002-05-08             2:35 p.m.

electric problem......bad electric problem had to balance check book and when I did I found a whole 80 dallors Not exactly close to $633.51 is it? (and they wanted all that money by the 24th... NOT!) no cc's, no other cash.... Scared to death I called the Electric company told them about my situation, that was just too close .they made special arrangements. thank goddess.. I hav to pay current month plus 130.22 every month for 6 months.......

I sware I get so tired of bills, everytime i think Ive got a hold on things somin else happens...I had the electric down to $125 a few months ago...and cause i was late a few times and struggeling with everything...no thanks to ronnie they demanded a $380 some deposit..I paid almost $500 last month.....I had to catch up on my rent and pay off pc and other stuff this month...then they hit me for some out ragious not possible bill....CRAZY! I am going to go crazy if this keeps up...

I would hav much rather have found a letter from David in my mail box...at least that would have lit some thing in my world....I get so tired....so tired of all the shit life dishes me...At least I have my children...My rainbow... may reason for carring on.... With out them I would curl up and let go of hope...but with them I cant...*sigh*

I found out today that the phone problem w/ david is not w/ me. jenny called last night. she told me to call phone company, i did, and they told me to call jail. the jail gav me a 800#. this was to a guy who deals w/ inner jail blocks. i left him a message, when he called back he said he would wk on the problem. sadly, it might take 2 weeks *sigh*

"IT BETTER NOT!!!! I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!.....ITS BEEN A MONTH DAMNIT!!!!!!!"

I now have his calling hours so I can actually leave the house, or put the phone on charge... he can use phone between 8am-9pm his time so 11am to 12 midnite ours....jenny said he is freakin out over callin me. that he just keeps tryin. and it says ur call cant b completed as dialed...

he goes back to court tomorrow. I need to do somin tonight...special.. I will be out in the yard maybe for several hours...heck I never know what I will decide to do....especially when it comes to my ceramonys... I need more candels so when I leave to pick up star I will try to stop at the $ store for supplys...

I sent him 3 more 10 page letters today...I hope that my letters make him somewhat warm and fuzzy inside...cause out here My heart is breaking with each day...that I dont get a phone call...

Ok time to go I hav bitched enough...dont forget to look back to c if u missed an entry I hav left 3 in the last 24 hrs...may do more later alot in my head...

Brightest Blessings

BA

"An Enternal Plea"

2002-05-09             3:57 a.m.

Tonite I sit alone in total candel lite. 41 candels of multi colors to shine, lighting my world. Tonight I can not sleep as I know tomorrow may decide my fate. he goes back to court...As i think about what this means to me I hold my breath...I fear, inside crying, even screaming for a so called merical...

craving to hear his voice, longing to c his face...dying just to be there to support the man I love so dearly. what I wouldn't give...My world for one visit, my soul....... maybe....he has been so important to my life ...supportive in every way...and I can not be there...My heart travels to him with a love that is so pure....

I stood over my alter staring into his eyes, concentrating to send the most positive of energy his way...this was not what I had planned but a storm ruined the ceramony..the rain may not hav allowed the candels outside but they lit the house with a plesent glow as I stood in the pouring rain staring at the sky...my tears mixed with those of nature as I pleaded with the powers that be to have mercey....

So many times before have I been blessed...will this be one of them..will they listen this time...will my heart be spared? Only time will tell...I can only hope that some where up there that the great and almighty hears my plea and allows my will to be served. that my skys will change from clouds to sun and the stars will again shine in my eyes that have grown colder and tired.

I close my eyes and invision what life should be like, what my the inner spirit craves...for a moment in time I have it all...yet when I open my eyes I find that I am still so terribly alone...emptiness fills my soul and I again mourn.

Thus is the seeds of my life, thus is the burdon I alone carry...will it last til the end of my days...I can only hope and hold faith that it shalt not be....

with this I close hoping that sleep will carry me to a world where a peaceful era lies. where I find comfort in his arms and forever is known....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"Awake Again"

2002-05-09             10:10 a.m.

I made it thru the night I suppose, I'm tired as hell, as I awoke several times to some really freaky nitemares.. why I am dreaming of abusive situations is beyond me...well...not really, but these kind of dreams are...not like I ever lived in this life stuff like this.

I guess its everything that is compiling in my life. I am still drained and emotionally stressed The oldest was late again and of course it was again due to her lack to motivate. I wish she knew why I push her..I don't ever want her to relive my mistakes. yes I know this is an unrealistic goal but a mother can still wish. her grades are lacking, her additude terrible and momma is hopeful that she will turn this around. she is so smart and can be so plesent when she isn't acting like this. I know most is preteen related but I don't remember being this way til after I started 7th grade then most was due to lack of supervision. I love my kids so much and do everything I can to make things the best they can be...I know I make mistakes but I am human and well its human nature to screw up time and time again.

I have always called my oldest my learning experiance lord and lady only know that I try not to repeat the mistakes I make with her. she is growing so fast and before long her childhood will be lost. All the things I wish I could do to make life funner and more exciting. but I can't, financially I am not capible. So we go on... I just hope that when she is grown that she knows I tried and that I love her ever so much...

Today is the hearing and my nerves struggle to hold tight...my hands tremble and my heart aches, my mind full of confusion as I await. The phone shall ring sometime today (I hope) to tell me what the out come is...will there be another continuance. will he be sent for sentancing..will my dreams fade like candels in the wind. I just don't know what to expect...I have always said that when a judge is making discissions it all depends on his sex life..I know not funny but its like u can tell..hey the judge got some last night he is humorous..or uh O he is in a pissy mood and gonna sock it to ya...

*sigh* Hell with it I'm just too exausted to think anymore I need sleep, not a few hrs but nites of catch up...I'm gonna lay down and hope that I can shake the visions long enough to cop som Z's...

Brightest Blessings

and may the powers that be watch over all influenced by this situation

BA

"The Call"

2002-05-09             7:19 p.m.

The ringing of the phone made me jump and grab knowing that this time it just had to be him, In a praying voice I said hello. The operatior began to talk in a recording as I awaited the ability to except, my heart raced my eyes teared...I have been waiting so long... At last I heard his voice so soft, and tender, so sensitive...and yet I knew I had very limited time....

I could barely hear a word he said but I hung on every word, trying to hide myself in the most quiet of rooms...even the water running thru the pipes from the water hose drownded him out...I had to yell at the kids several times to gain enough silence to hear what he had to say.

I just kept telling him to please be strong, that I loved him and that I was gonna stand by him...that he hasn't lost me yet..

he told me he has sent personal messages to ppl of the family, but we spent much time rambeling about love and feelings. 15 MIN IS NOT ENOUGH DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!!

It was so hard to hear him, and yet what I heard made my heart race and my eyes swell...

I told him from now one he must tell me everything if he expects me to stand by him...EVERYTHING!

I managed to stay strong until I heard the recording say 2 minuets...I just kept saying shit its not enough time...this is so unfair...He promised to call again tomorrow or the next day ... How can I wait that long...Oh how I didn't want to hang up....again I repeated how much I love him that he must stay stong...that I need him.

"One minuet remaining" I heard the recording say ...I listened as he again told me how much he loves me...to take care of myself....""" My heart screamed as I heard the beep"""" I whispered one last I love you I heard him reply and we said good bye...

I held the phone in my hand for a long moment then fell apart, Still clinging to the phone I layed my head against the wall, held on tight and cried...still I am crying almost an hour later..."ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR" I want to go there...I want to be there....

I have taken a whole nerve pill but still its not working...my heart pounds, my chest tightenes, my eyes so full of tears I keep hitting the wrong keys and having to correct myself...

His voice still ringing through my mind.... As I Pray for the next call to come soon...

Its storming again...I think I'm gonna go out side and fall apart some more... I never even got to hear what happen in court...so Yet I am still in the dark...

Brightest Blessings

BA

"the drugs brought peace"

2002-05-10             12:55 a.m.

Well...the pills kicked in and I am beyond ready to sleep...maybe tonight will be dreamless...maybe I can awake to a energetic day....no I'm not crossing my fingers...I'm not holding my breath...as I know when I do this some else happens to bust my balloon...

May the powers that be watch over My family, thus now including davids family, jenny and her family, my own house hold and my wpg family.....May my strongest love and affection surround David an allow him to rest well if only for a nite....

may the world find acceptance in my discissions and provide me with the support I so desire....I never ask for opinions to change just that those not condime me for following my heart and soul

Brightest Blessings

"CREATION OF DAVIDS DIARY"

2002-05-11             2:21 a.m.

today was so hard as I opened 3 envelopes from david almost 30 some pages...one letter and 2 for the web sites...

I created a diary for him yet to link it...but is where all his thoughts , storys, opinions, and stuff concerning inside life (inside meaning lock up)to read his writings please read paganinside thanks!

I shed many tears and took two nerve pills today..Its so emotional, and it's hard to hang on to hope when you know the truth...I only got one envelope typed but I did get some done... I am gonna post here some of those things along with pasting em to his site...but since he wrote em to me and said its ok I think here is a good way 4 others to c the other side to my writings..I love him so much...what can I say....so here it goes....(this was typed directly from his pages of written word)

Brightest Blessings

BA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Introduction Page For writings to BA

What I write on these pages you may share or not, it is up to you. For that is who these words are reserved for. Share them if you like, I trust you will know what to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To BA

I can not imagine the betrayal you must feel, but I know there are no words I can say to make it better. There are no words to make it right. I may be a fool, but do not normally concider myself stupid. (mind you what brought these things to this point does show that I can be very stupid) I am sorry Jesilyn, I am so very sorry. I do love you, this you must know. I am a loss of words, I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could say something, anything to put things back how they were. I am forever damned I know.

Love,

SG

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Screaming Soul

There is so much my soul screams to write,

but afraid I am that you dont want to hear.

Finially do I have time to write the poems

but wonder if they fall upon deaf ears.

My deep and wonderous love for you I hope you know

but fear do I that it no longer really matters to you.

Do you still want to hear the words I feel?

or too much pain would they be for you.

My soul screams to write so much for you

weather to commit my soul to paper.

For your heart to hear what mine bleeds.

To Blazing Angel

By Shadow Geomancer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TIME AND LOSS

Things have changed again

as they always do and shall

such is the way of things

always in a flux and never the same

action with the thought of helping one

so quickly and easily destroys another.

Love given trying but to help,

another is lost cause forgotten to think

The wheel has turned now

too late to go back

A tear falls so silently

realization has set in.

can not go back and undo,

damage far to bad to ever fix.

Act out of love and seen so wrong

can not unhurt the other I love.

Life must go on now,

for better or worse it must go on.

Pain unknowing and unwitting I have caused

Time I hope can heal.

Perhaps in time it can be forgiven,

Knowing too that it can not be forgotten.

Life goes on inspite of folly,

happieness lost, but always remembered fully

To Blazing Angel

By: Shadow Geomancer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: BA

Last words and last thoughts for now, How I miss you. I love you truely, deeply, and ever more. You are in my thoughts always. through out the day, til the time I finially fall asleep. Even then for those few hours, you are so often there. so many strange dreams, not all, but many of you. The hurt you must feel I can not imagine, But please know that I love you so, That I never ment to harm. You still hold my heart, My love, and indeed my life...I LOVE U!

Shadow Geomancer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NITE ALL

"loss"

2002-05-12             1:14 a.m.

My life is constantly changing, every time i think I know whats going on somin else changes. since its after midnight here I will say yesterday would have been mine and ronnies official 3 yr annaversary, but he don't even remember....I remembered several times today and yet why should it matter any more. he chose his path and I stand alone....whats done is done never to be again....the good times were over too long ago to even be bothered mentioning now....

the car broke down again yesterday....I am so damned tired of things breaking down...so tired....one step forward two steps back thats my life...yet I fight to keep ahead....

Today is officially Mothers day one of the worse day of the years for me....My mother has been dead for 10 years this fourth of july and it feels like eturnity...you truely never know what your mother means til she is no longer there...and so young just 34 yrs old, bad choices made, wrong men and one day *poof* she is gone.....sad isn't it.... so young and so many years left to live why do we make such poor choices in life? Whymust the vicious cycle repeat its self through out generations. i dont think we plan it this way...it just happens...I miss her so much like all those others gone b4 her....but more!

I think about Davids mother and how sad this year must be for her....I know there isn't anything I could possibly say to make it a better day for her but I did send her my thoughts for mothers day....I think he would have liked that...I wish I would have mentioned it when he called today.

When he called we talked about a few things mostly about the family and the things going on in it. I let star sqay a brief hello and dylan screamed thru the phone a hi too...

I was bold and asked him about what I was told the other night and had confermed by jenny....sadly the truth hurts but atleast he was honost and admitted saying it. he says that was before he was assured that I still wanted things to work out....he claimes he would have never said it had he of known then that I was not lost. he was sure that I would never even concider a future....he was so wrong....love just can't turn it's back like that....I have to believe that mistakes made are atleast most times lessons learned not to be repeated....I have to believe that if he works the programs, uses the resources that he will be safe and able to avoid the temptation and situations if ever faced with it again....

I do so love him and would do anything to make things wk....

You know if I could I would go there, move there to b able to support him in person....I would! but I know this will never happen and I will more than likely never get to visit....

But my heart is there...my soul is there....only an empty shell of a heart exsists here in my body....my eyes grow more hollow every day, no matter the front I try to play....It's lonely and lonlieness changes a person.....what I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time.....then I could change the pain I am now living if only just a lil bit....

well I'm gonna go try to sleep and I hope that all the MOMs out there have a wonderful mothers day....

Brightest Blessings

BA

"The Sadest Day"

2002-05-12             12:22 p.m

well its here, one of the most dreaded days of the year...mothers day. A day when most get to do all the special things for the woman who gave them life....I have my kids yes, and I am so greatful I am....they are trying so hard to make it good...I just don't hav the heart to say I wanna be alone....The best thing they could do is just behave and not fight today....allow my heart to grieve and deal with all the things that I am going thru....for 1 day let me break down...yes i know its impossible...but...a reality it is.

David called a while ago, he wanted to make sure he talked to me on mothers day...he asked how I'm doing as I tell most I'm exsisting...he said not good enough...like I told him most days Its all I can do is exsist.... He told me to get out of the house...I told him I can't, he said I need to, I told him car's broken...he said take a walk....I said I don't wanna....he said do it anyway....(he spoke in a joking manner but I knew he was serious....) I also know he is right I do need to get out but where do I get the energy? the will power when all I really wanna do is curl up in a lil ball and cry, I do that alot these days and I'm sure under the situation its normal, I just feel so alone, so very very alone....

Things seem to go one with lil help from me these days....I just sit around looking, noticing things yet not speaking about what I see and what it means to me....Most ppl can not be open enough to understand what I'm feeling anyway....maybe its just as well that I'm alone...no one else has to feel my pain as they stare into eyes that stay full of tears even on the best of days....they don't have to watch as I fall apart, or as my hands shake....

I'm 29 yrs old with no life...nothing to make me feel whole....only tunnel vision to the darkest of emotions....I had so many plans, and they have *poofed* gone.....lack of motivation , and a fear of more pain keeps me from trying to hard....in solitary I reside, my only true contact with the world being my computer and those who I share my time with....The spark in my eyes gone, the only thing left is a shell of what was....still a ray of hope exsists in my heart that somin will happen to make things work out....it has too....

I have to morn be fore I can heal...and what a long proscess it is especially when I do not yet know what will happen...I do not yet know if a merical will bring back my dreams....

For now I wait, hopeing, dreaming, andtrying to keep my faith that all things are possible....thats all I can do.........

Brightest Blessings

BA

"OUCH"

2002-05-13             8:36 a.m.

Hey everyone, I had a bad accident. I have stitches 3 inside and 6 out on my leg. 3 on my arm....then they took them back out to look for glass. They couldn't find any,so they stiched me up again...I could be facing surgery. How did I do this you may be asking...I ran out my door to my kids and I missed the door.I hit the glass and the glass shattered. If the glass goes unfound it may cause tendon damage.

star just left 4 bed poor kid she stayed w/ me by my side so strong....so supportive know she must b scared to death. i am very scared... hope they dont hav 2 do sergery.

gonna kill myself writing david each day....cant let him dn...he needs me....and I need him.....wish he was here instead of there....I hate feelin so damn alone...

i appologize now that i may b slow typing, or updating things will b hard stayin involved w/ one hand.....scarey huh......take care, lite candels thanks,

brightest blessings

BA

"feelin better"

2002-05-14             5:29 p.m.

well....I can type a lil better and can actually write some what ledgable....unfortunately i slept in my bed last night and woke to my back screaming....hurts worse than my hand...lol...oh well...take the motrin and ittle stop...lol

i got a letter from david today it was written the 1st day he was able it call me...he was so excited it made me feel good....at least I know that my contact brings a smile to his face...

Jenny told him yesterday that I got hurt...he was upset...said somin about ppl needin to slow dn and check situations b4 they over react...sounds like him I suppose when he calls I'll get a lexture...lol oh well at least I know he cares when he does that....

got bitched out by aunti for taking off the brace last night..hehe...I can't win with that woman..so I put it back on so she would hush!

well i better go before karins teacher gets here she has a play tonight....

Bringtest blessings

BA

PS if u r interested in the cuts look at the following URL's

arm cuts: http://www.true-emotions.net/arm.JPG

Wrist cut: http://www.true-emotions.net/wrist.JPG

Ankel cut: http://www.true-emotions.net/ankle.JPG

"irational thinking"

2002-05-15             12:39 a.m.

I got to talk to david, It makes my day and nite when he calls....even though it hurts like hell when I hav to hang up...I hold the phone, sometimes hugg or blow kisses after he's gone...then I swell up and cry my heart out.....

Tonight he brought up the subject of time, among other hard topics....It is so hard....I try to stay positive and hold hope and when forced to look at that aspect It makes it hard to dream other than nitemares...

what do u do? how do u stay realistic and still hold on to your faith and hopes and dreams....I sit as tears stream down my face, and wonder what is life going to do to my dreams....will I get the happieness I desire so much or will the powers that be rip my life away .... Some times I shout at them and scream why the fuck do u keep allowing this? why do u keep teasing me with happieness if all I get is a taste....ITS NOT FAIR....I know life isn't fair but gezzzz wiz. enough is enough already...

I would give anything....ANYTHING to be there...to be able to look in his eyes and hear his voice...to be able to hold him....but I can't....I'll probably never get that chance will I? ***sigh***

I hope I'm wrong...I so hope I'm wrong...

his mom is a doll...she is gonna help w/ the phone calls so he can keep calling....If I didnt have too I wouldn't accept it...but I just can't afford 20$ calls every few days....How I wish I could....I wish I could afford em every day......I miss his voice so much...so so very very much.... dang once a day would be 600$ a month...wow I'd need 3 jobs to do that...would iffin I could... I love him so very much.

she said she liked her card, was glad she did....I just wanted to brighten her day and let her know I was thinking about her....matter of fact thought about her alot that day...about how hurt she must be....and what it must be like 4 her....wish I could help make her life easier...

well...I think I'm gonna crawl in bed and hold faith and hope and try to rest maybe I'll take a pill to be sure I do....his mom and him asked me about sleep tonight, don't think that is a hint do ya? Ok I know it is more than a hint its a demand that I rest, take care of myself...wow....wish it was so simple as saying ok I'm gonna sleep 8 hrs tonight and I'm not gonna wake up sweaty with nitemares....but reality is I get about 2 hrs and I'm up wide awake....*sigh* anyway I'm outta here going bed....

Brightest Blessings

 *A Kiss*

2002-05-17             12:35 a.m.

***just a lil poem written in a letter to david as a good nite kiss its the thoughts of my heart as I prepare to lay down****

Takes you by hand

outside to the stars

holding you close

I tell u how special u r

I whisper I love u

as I look deep in your eyes.

The passion explodes

as your lips soon touch mine.

Your embrace makes me safe.

My thoughts are of you.

I surrender my soul

To a love that is true

Written for David

Brightest Blessings

BA

"I just don't Know!!!"

2002-05-18             2:44 a.m.

well another day and alot of events, he called today, actually he called twice...is why Im still sitting up looking stupid...so much and yet so little I can write...***sigh*** life is truely a mess and yet my heart tied in a knot so tight.

what can i say...

um...im expecting huge letters and aint sure i can handel the content....yep thats it...do i relly wanna know the whole truth...can my heart take this and still hold ok? i sure hope so....***sigh***

ok so i'm not in the mood to write and holding tears....its nite time...almost 3 am!

brightest Blessings

"LIFE"

2002-05-21             2:12 a.m.

wow...what a last few days...I been down with my back again....last night I pulled a swift one. I took my antidepressants, a nerve pill cause I was upset, and a tylonol 3 (codine) for my back and hand. well don't ever do this people because I didnt wake up til 4pm this afternoon...yes it was well needed sleep but gezzzz... scarey really...I mean hell who would hav known they said it was safe for them to be taken together, they didn't say to seperate the pills or nothing...oh well...live and learn. at least I was blessed with another day.

I haven't told u I don't think but I am now temp'n for our guild leader asa. its a ton of hard work and very very time consuming. but well... worth it! The ppl in our guild family mean so much to me I feel honored to have been chosen, though I do hope she returns soon....believe me being council is a peice of cake compared to being responcible for 5000 people and their guild benifits...and if u only seen some of the neomails I read each day...*Sigh* u meet alot of interesting people to say the least.

My arm and leg are healing and I'm not wearing the brace anymore that thing got on my nerves!. who can type with somin holding your wrist strait...two finger typing is no fun when u have tons to do...but its over now and I'm getting back to normal.

My belly button is infected again. Damn me for bragging that it was completely healed. its swollen and sore and icky stuff comming out...back to the drawing board. I called a friend who peirces and she said it can take up to two years for a belly button to completely heal. she says that the ingeries I had don't help either...who would have known? not me...but I'll dr. it until its healed again I like it never the less...

me and etha had it out again...I wish she could just understand that we r differant but that I love her. that I don't want her to change me...that even though we don't agree that It don't mean we can't be friends...It makes me feel bad really...I almost wish I hadn't told her anything about my situations...because now she fires at me every time we talk...there are other things in the world that we do agree on...why do we always have to talk about things that makie us argue, things that she knows I am going to follow my own heart no matter what she says....*sigh* I fear that given time we will loose our friendship and thats sad because we were once so close and I havn't changed...she just can't deal with all the things that I have been thinking and doing for years....

the very thing that made us sisters is going to tear us apart, sad and hurt is the only words i can use to describe that....

I have been working hard on davids diary to make it the best it can be. I believe in his mission so much. maybe if ppl read what he writes they will think twice before doing anything that can jeprodize their freedom. I love that man, and I will stand behind him....no matter what the future holds for us romantically I am his friend formost and most important!

lets c what else? well...since I can't think of nothing I guess its bed time...and u know just as soon as my head hits the pillow I'll remember somin else i should hav said....lol...

oh well...I'm outta here.

Brightest Blessings

"I'm Alive"

2002-05-25             1:44 a.m

for my devoted readers I am so sry I havn't been updating. u c I have been very ill, and havn't actually felt up to thinking alone updating...I have been running high fevers and even broke out with hives...lol...yes u can laugh the way I was digging I looked like a flea bitten dog...dig dig dig...lol... thank goddess its over now...I also suffered a three day migrain that again thank the goddess its over now...I am again feeling on top of the world...

oh where to start what should I write about 1st?

I guess i should start with the letters I got today that filled my heart with happieness...he says I'm the one that he wants , not just a friendship but he still wants our plans, what can I say besides truthfully this makes me on top of the world...maybe some of u may not think I'm doing the right thing but I will continue to follow my heart that just so happens to be completely devoted to David... my heart says that waiting is what is right...that people make mistakes and generally people are good even after mistakes are made...I know he is paying dearly for his crimes and I believe that he will never repeat this...

I have spent the last few hrs updating his diary and adding 8 new entrys...I could read his words day in and day out...then again I know I'm bias... u don't have to say it...

I talked to jenny for awhile last night and that always helps my mind...carolyn says he looked good when she seen him yesterday...these are my eyes to his world...these r two of the three informers that tell me whats going on...I wouldn't make it a singel day without them...I know I would just go crazy....

I have been working hard on guild related matters the best I can...a few hrs here a few hrs there...I push myself in this department...I do not want my family to think I have went MIA so I get on the boards and answer neomail everyday...so much to do, so lil time...I never get to do anything that doesnt circle around my family in one way or another...either I'm doing guild biz, am in chats, dealing with my kids, or writing david...all circeling around my family...It keeps me busy I suppose, the busier I stay the less likely I am to think about all the things that upset me so...

I hate dwelling on rthe negetive..I like to move forward and survive the best I can...I am always looking for a way to improve my situation..if that means working til I'm dead tired and have no choice but to sleep so be it. I did the no no again last night...I was in such pain with the migrain I decided that taking all my meds at once would be the only way to stop this..so thats what I did...

I awoke to ellie beating me in the face..." here mommy DAVID!!!" they know the envelopes they know that I live for those letters...after I read them I got up made food , ate and wrote 19 pages back...then Ellie and I took a nap...I remember the other kids waking us up when they came home...star what a dear watched em til 7 when she woke me up to go get money from John...

we left and got john, food and went grocery, I don't know where we would be if John was like some dead beat dads...probably hungry and seperated...but he does what he can and it makes such a differance...too bad he is so arguementive and all that alcohol he's not a bad guy...but I'm not even gonna attempt to mend that one...uh huh...NO WAY....I learned that lesson the hard way... but its still nice to know i can depend on the support.

when I got home I felt so much better...free from pain , well rested and glad to be alive...I am full of energy can u tell...I feel so hyper...lol... Probably the best mood I have had in so long...

I didn't tell u star is sun burned lol...red as a beet! Its funny cause she doesn't normally burn and when we do she terrorizes us...slapping the burns and poking (does this hurt style) so we get to return her favors...she wines then giggles she knows its pay back time...lol...thats all in the fun of summer...cruel but what can I say she does it why can't we...

anyway I'm off to neo where I feel at home I'm sure there is more wk for me by now...

have a wonderful nite!

Brightest Blessings

"A friends rant"

2002-05-25             11:38 p.m.

***********************************

I was reading a friends diary the other day and seen the funniest self rant , it made so much sense to me...and yet in many ways it didn't apply... Pix is great with words and and I love her spunk....I may not be all of these things but I certainly can relate to her points of view...enjoy

BA

***********************************

you wanna fight, pick something worth fighting for... like gay rights, womyn's rights, civil rights, religious rights(but not tooooo right there folks... we need SOME freedom!!!), HUMAN RIGHTS

that's right folks,

I'M AGOTH/PUNK WANNA-BE,TUBE SOCK QUEEN,DANCING,TEACHING,FEMINIST,BI-SEXUAL,

PAGAN, POLYGAMOUS,BDS&M,ROCKY HORROR BITCH,PICK-IT LINE SIGN HOLDINGIN YOUR FACE ACTIVIST CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF THE LIBERAL PARTY.ya got a problem with that?

**********************************

told ya u'd laugh and love it...if not TOO BAD! I DO!

"a few words"

2002-05-27             3:54 a.m.

I'm gonna try not to rambel too much as I'm really tired...I have accomplished alot over the last day...alot of laundry, house, running, davids diary, recopping his entrys so I can send em to him in a letter....I am writing him a full weekend letter already on page 35...lol...that should keep him busy....talked on line, took care of guild buisness....even talked to jenny...who happens to be the biggest source of strength to me...

tomorrow gonna host a cook out and go to one...so I'm going to be running all day...any way Thats it pretty boring huh....I'm doing ok...for those who worry...Im just staying busy and taking things day by day.....I live for my 15 min phone calls every 2-3 days and run to the mail when it comes...lol.....I would give anything to fly there.....ok...not gonna bring myself down...I am in a good frame of mind and just want to go to bed and have fantasy dreams about what life should be...and with my thoughts right now that should be possible....

nite ya'll

brightest blessings

 "LIFE SUX AND ALL THAT JUNK!!!"

2002-05-28             1:50 a.m.

I've come to the conclusion that things are not going to get any better any time soon, matter of fact things seem pretty much getting worse....

First my relationship with Ronnie, then all the things with David, then facing life alone and all the sadness that comes with that. Then I start having car problems and just as I think things with the car is going to get better...The son-of -a-bitch catches on fire!!!!

yes u heard me I barely made it home tonight when I pulled in my drive way I seen smoke, thinking I was over heating I opened the hood to find a full fledge fire...I quickly grabbed the water hose and put it out, I'm shaken up really bad...I mean hell

here I am 5 miles in bum fuck egypt with no transpo, 4 kids, and bills up to my ears....I'm trying to stay calm and have tried cleaning my house to work off the anger but its not working...I am totally, utterly frantic...what the fuck is a singel mother of 4 in a small hick town suppose to do when things get this bad...other than cry and give up...I'm fighting as hard as I know how...and yet I'm sinking more and more every day...

I am really beginning to think that the powers that be hate me..that I am their big joke...they give me a lil happieness then they take it just as fast ...like haha you really thought we were going to give u a break...NO WAY not U...U R going to pay for being born....lol..I know this is just a rant and that its not really true but sometimes u really gotta wonder about the humor of those in charge of our lives...

I know there has to be something I can do and I'll find a way...maybe I can loose all my excess weight by walking 5 miles to the grocery and back....maybe I'll get hit by a car on the way there...I know not very fucking funny huh? but it's my luck...everything else happens....

I wish I could hear his voice when I feel this bad...his voice saying that everything is going to be ok...that life can still be everything that it's suppose to be...that this is just an awful nightmare...yes I know I'm not dreaming and that this is reality...Guess What? REALITY SUX!!!!!!

If it weren't for these kids I would just GIVE UP! take the hint...and stop trying...I think I would just go back to my carefree life of hitch hiking accrossed the country and enjoy life as its natural bueaty....No I am not telling people that its safe I'm not saying it's all fun...what I'm saying is that when I was dirt poor on the streets with a man who actually loved me I was richer than a millionair...I was happy and nothing else matters...

Being in hell like this is not the issue...I know what it is...it's that I am utterly alone, merely exsisting with no one to emotionally support me...no one to hold, no one to kiss, no one to whisper the I love u's that I so desperately need in my real life...yes I hear it...over a phone in a letter and by friends/family on line...but it's just not the same as waking up in the arms of a safe companion.... I know get over it....ok ok I'll shut up...before the humorous powers that be makes things worse....

hope ur life is better than mine....hope all your dreams come true...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemys...and they know who they are....

Brightest Blessings

A RANT POST ON THE FAMILY BOARD!

2002-05-29             1:10 a.m.

This is a copy of a post I made tonight concerning the WPG and the folks in it that I concider my family...there are a great many that read my diary that may not be in the WPG any more I I just want to post this here so those people will always know how much they are loved!!!!(If the HTML/CSS codes show up I'm sry I do not feel like removing them if they dont!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[glow c=purple w=500 s=2]I was just talking to another member who came to ask me details about the great freeze and why it happen...

I'll address that in a few lines then go to the real reason for this post. the great freeze happen when drastic mesures were taken to protect the familys accounts...we changed the email addys, and pa$$ys of all guild accounts...this sent out a huge red flag which caused the great freeze....it was a mistake that we learned a valuable lesson from....however many of us have forgotten those lessons so I feel it is time to refresh the minds of those who don't remember and enlighten the minds of those who where not here. The great freeze scared a great many of us into regaining our values...we learned what the meaning of family was...we worked hard as a family unit to regain what was stolen...we found that we loved each other more than we ever imagined...myself included...its been said in the past by a very special shadow that u never know what u take for granat until its gone...well family is like that...How many chances have we given up because of one reason or another in life? how many times have we needed support in real life and have found none...I go through that on a daily bases...but here in this family I know I feel love . We may not always agree and we may not always get along but what family really does...the majority of the usa is surrounded by broken homes...does this mean that the family doesn't exsist NO! it means there is communication issues that need addressed..I have spent almost a year to help build this family a family based on love and support, a family I can hold on to...each and every one of u is very important to me...I am always here for you...and with out the support I get here I would have given up....u kick my tale when I need it and hug me when I need it, when I am in need there are a great many who are here for me...example today alone...I have had an awful day when people found out I got 3 back to back phone calls at home to help me through...I do not need to mention names its not important who they know...this is not the first time....Does anyone know why this guild is concidered family...a few might remember but do you know why?there were a bunch of us in chat one day when two were having a slight disagreement...I threw a fit and made a few choice statements...it was said that day that I reminded those people of a lil kid trying to make mommy and daddy stop fighting...in a way I really felt that way...In this guild I have created bonds and those are friendships I hope can last through eturnity. but thats the day I found a momma....no she is no longer with us and I miss her ever so much but family to me she remains... dad's still hovering and many of the people whom have become sisters and brothers to me are still here...even my youngest (age5)calls this her family...she refers to the people as her aunts/unkels..that is what this guild means to us....that is what makes it so important to me to repair the damage that has occured...I may not always be able to fix a concern but I DO take every detail into concideration..... I realize that my post is long and I appologize but I can not nor will I sit back and watch the fam.without a fight...I am here, the council is here...we care and we are working as hard as we can to serve u...lets not loose site ofour goals and give up too soon on that which we love [/glow]

"A LIL LESSON ON FEELINGS, KARMA, AND VALUES"

2002-06-04             12:42 a.m.

LIFE: let me thgink about this for a moment, u r born, u live , u die, some where in the middle u survive and seek your happieness...yep thats what I think it is...but when u you ever get to enjoy the happieness before someone some where destroys it to the fullest. I just don't know...I spend less and less time writing here not because i don't have nothing to say but because I was looking for a way to make positive entrys..a way to show that I have yet to loose home in society. yes my hopes grow dim and my happieness slows to a snail pace but I am still alive. I am free and i have the right of choice...yes I know these things appear simple and yet they are so important. lately I have been doing self and world evaluations, and taking notice of others reactions especially where love and family are concerned...does this world really know what the word family means any more or do they believe a family is replaceable like a plastic spoon or paper plate..I am beginning to wonder I mean really. I have sat and watched those who I concider family slice there own members throats...its ok during the good times but let something happen big or small and people walk away as if they were complete strangers. at best it saddens me.

I mean seriously i sit and over see the way those around me treat my love and begin to wonder if it makes a differance what I think...so long as I am there for their selfish needs...no I don't really mind but those same people turn their backs on the people who love them most..I don't need to name names they know who they are. I just hope the powers that be spare them when karma kicks in...when they are faced with being alone, scared and in need. My darling suffers because they fear reality, they can not deal....his sorrow touches my heart and slices strait through, How can those who call them selves family act so cold when their member needs them most...No one says they have to agree with what has happen only dont close him out...yell scream, bitch...go ahead...he dont mind so long as he knows u do so in love...*shakes head*** its sad, it really is...I for one do not like to be alone so no matter what I'm here strong, tall and sticking to my values...If something was to happen to him, I will not wake saying "I WISH" not this time, I learned that lesson before.

Until next time

Brightest Blessings

BA

"X HUSBANDS SUX"

2002-06-05             5:48 p.m.

i just got a call from my x ,he called, i said do u know someone to take me to store he said IM IN OHIO! , this is who i depend on to giv $ on fridays..thats where my kids food and insurance has been comming from....well he packed his shit and split!!!! now I hav NO HELP!...lovely..he never even said bye to his kids.he had told me to leave w/ the kids, Figured I was leaving so left to save him self pain..i thought he would at least wait to c if i was leaving. now I am stuck here, still dont know about marylou,and if she will help me get there... and dont even hav johns support if I don't get to go. and my landlord wants his money so will basically b stuck til the 1st even if marylou says yes. WHY ME!!!!

I have spent my life trying just as hard as i can, doing everything I can to take care of my kids and do the right things...and yet I'm the one who always gets the short end of the stick...I am so angry...HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!! THE KIDS DESERVED BETTER!!!!

Ill find a way..I always do Im just severly pissed!

BA

"PANICK"

2002-06-08             12:07 a.m.

today I am gonna write about love, broken hearts and rebound as I believe this is what I faced today. Everyone knows the love of my life is in jail and may not be getting out any time soon. I hold my heart closely afraid that some sly male will capture it. I'm just not ready to see past my love for David. Today I was faced with a situation. For a few weeks I have been flirting with a guy, a real sweetie and nice looking man...sadness is he is married and even though the marriage is more than likely over he is still very much in love w/ this woman.

well today he left home each him and her to go into differant directions. he came here.I could tell he was upset as he stepped from the van and both of us very nervous. we went in the house sat down, i chased the kids outside we talked between silences. i noticed how both of our hands trembeled and words were hard to find. there were a few times we ended up in an embrace but not so much as a kiss exchanged. I honostly believe we were both lost in the love we shared for the ones we want most...yet something brought us together. i think we both tried for a few to ease the others minds , yet i do not believe it worked.He ended up leaving, Im sure hurring back to try to stop her from keeping her plans...I felt bad for him, yet I felt even worse that i had even thought about allowing another man touch me,, what in the hell am I suppose to do. I am stuck in a cloud 3000 miles from the man i love and want to spend my life with. I have natural female desires that scream to be held and to be made to feel special but I can't follow en because it makes me feel guilty...so I sit cry, and wait, using my meds as a tool to wash away the pain if only for a few hrs. I'm so confused and my heart is begging to be in seattle...just to c his face..to hear his voice..to be able to be close to him.... I wish the powers that be would find a way...a way to take me to him....a way for me to be with him....I'm not healing if anything the wounds get deeper and I am slipping over the deep end.. every second of every day I am lost in thinking of David even when life is trying to steal those feelings...

I wish I knew what to so....

Brightest Blessings

"Holding On"

2002-06-08             7:51 p.m.

the day has almost passed and none too soon, each day I find myself sinking lower and lower still clinging to my hopes and dreams. today I spent some time outside in the yard, on a blanket my head rested on a pilloe. soaking in the rays that I knew was burning my back...it was pain but I felt alive. I looked around me at all the life, the sky bueatiful blue the clouds evenly spread to make such a purty pattern. I could hear the birds sing and feel the wind softly blowing on my ever burning body. bueaty was all around me yet sadness filled my soul. I wanted but one thing to hear the voice of my shadow. to say the least I damned the powers that be that I could not pick up the phone to do this....Yes I know he did wrong and is paying the price but I too am paying, for it is he that my heart and soul desires most, it is he that makes me complete and I can not have him, not yet...

I tried to come in the house to write and do some needed things, but my mind fell blank, as it was stuck on my need to talk to him. Eventually I gave up and went to the bedroom in total isolation I cried, deeper than i have in days until sleep took me over and the dreams began. in my dreams he lives, he walks freely and i feel his embrace. in my dreams there is no distance only he and i, as a family, with the kids playing near by. in my dreams there is no more sorrow only happieness and contentment. in my dreams i found peace...sheilded from the pain for a moment in time.

i was awaken by star to what i thought was another dream, she said mom its david....my heart fell....as it always does when he calls...how could he have known I needed this call so badly, could he feel me calling him in my mind. I found that the program guy had finially visited and had warned him should he feel that David was bullshitting he would leave and not return. He never left and if things go right, David may be out soon...or atleast soon er...(My heart prays soon!!!!*) there are a few more things that he must do 1wst but finially something is happening..I just pray its not a false hope and that things are really gonna get better for him, for me for us. what I wouldn't give to hold him in my arms....to be standing there as he walks out the gate...yes I know in my mind he is already well on his way to freedom and in my heart I hold hope that its true...

For each day that passes a small micro spot in my soul dies, each day the emptiness grows never leaving totally but decreasing just the same... every one knows how I feel and this leaves me feeling bad if I seek the attention I need from friends and family...so most the time I keep it bottles up inside crying my tears in solitude and living with in my own private hell.... The show must go on theres an audiance to please...there r people who depend on me so like a clown I put on my face, I try to be strong though my world is falling apart...I try to handtheir problems and take care of their needs , some times I wanna scream LOOK! people I can not be who u want me to be for today I don't know who I am...but I don't...Im always there...must stay strong for those around me...must try...

What more can I say, I'm surviving Im breathing, the world though cruel is a bueatiful place...and I am yet trying to hold on for my rainbow....

Brightest Blessings

"The words of strength and hope...."

2002-06-15             2:52 a.m.

see I told u the show must go on, the worlds bueaty is still clouded by my depression, and my over whelming need to break down...this can not nor will it happen though because I am needed ...I am a mother of four..a new leader of the WPG. this nolonger being a temperary position..but one for a life time if the powers that be will it. So much has happen this week dragging me from what needs to be done for me like getting my thoughts emotions and feelings out into the wind where it can blow in the directions of those who may need to feel them the most. yes I speak about the lonely hearted that face similar situations as I. I feel for those people but hope that at the very least they find thru reading my words that they are not alone.

survival is never easy but recently I was given an eye opener. I talk alot about wanting my peice of the american pie. I never once stopped to look at things from a reality stand. David gave me hell in a letter. much deserved hell and even more appreciated hell..he told me 1st that i needed to look in the eyes and hug the bueatiful children that I devote my life to, then look at my favorite picture of him...look deep into his eyes and tell hiom that I don't have a peice of the american pie...he knew I would never be able to do such a thing...

this was not the only thing he said he said that i should picture an old couple holding hands and walking dn. a side walk...when i do this picture i pass them with my kids..yes the kids r being kids and fussing...the old cuple looks in admiration, u c they could never hav kids nor adopt so they didnt get to experiance the feeling of being a parent. or the rich family that passes seeing me playing w/ my kids living in a lower income but the kids r happy and playing...their kids how ever have had the best and yet always want more...they c the smallest , lil ellie hug me and look at me in admiration...yes she does this often...and wonder why..why after all they done is it they r miserable and the kids just want the newest expensive gifts while mine r content by being loved...these r examples he gave when i had said how jelous i am of others, when i see ppl who are so called better off...are they really?....probably not..I agree because of my kids I am a rich woman...we may struggle but as david says we know who are friends are...

I hav a group of wonderful people in my life and since we were abandoned by john to survive in an area where we r basically alone I have found out where my friend ship lies...I will not dare mention names for I do not want to cause sorrow but I have truely been blessed by close friends who remain family in my heart....

AT&T are assholes and I hope my phone is unblocked soon...they blocked it never checking to c if I had paid my local service...stupid asses...Davids mom sends money and pays that bill..and u know what? they didnt look....gezzzz i sware! I can not wait for him to call again...because of AT&T i missed my thursday call...and if I miss my sunday call too I'll be in a fit...that man makes me feel alive more than anyone I have ever met...and I have to say more that all the jerks I've ever been wioth....MY LIFE for one visit.... *sigh* someday....

until then I hold his love close and my heart tight...protecting it from the evil thoughts that tend to haunt their way in...yes I am better today maybe even stronger....but I have a family to thank 4 making me feel loved...THANK U!MY ONES!!!!!

Brightest Blessings

BA!

"My Pledge to David"

2002-06-15             8:52 p.m.

This is what I am sending my darling, because we can not be together on our day of handfasting weather u agree or not Its my life and I choose to make this commitment

BA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To My Darling Dearest David:

You are the light in my darkness, the stars in my sky, and my strength thru my weakest of moments for no other has ever touched me in such a way. Our lives though miles apart have united, and a special bond has come to life. Situations may rob us of a traditional ceramony but my commitment to you continues to grow, never the less.

>

On this 21st day of June 2002 I Jesilyn Tolson give to you all that I have and all that I am in both the joyous and saddest of times. May our faith and hopes come together and bless us eturnal.

I give to you my heart, my understanding and compassion, in full trust, and admiration without restriction. I give to you my ears to hear your needs, and my shoulder for which to lean. I give to you my arms for which to hold and my love unconditional. For you are my hearts desire.

My once shattered soul is once again conplete because of your very being. You are my best friend, my love, the keeper of my heart. I offer you my life to share, From this day forward may it compliment you and bring you strength. May our partnership provide your life with strength and undescribable happieness.

As A Symbol of my love:

I send to you this ring.

though constructed of mere paper

may it serve until the day I can

properly provide you with the real one.

I love you David Jonathan Grindeland

Always!

"Your" Blazing Angel Jesilyn Tolson

"RANT AND RAVE"

2002-06-18             11:16 a.m.

Sorry people I havn't been able to update in a while, I have been working on group stuff and trying to keep my own sanity as friday proceeds upon me like a rushing river. I can feel myself falling deeper into a depressed state as time passes by. who I am is obvious, what I want is no more than a dream at this point.

what am I going to do to make it a reality, How on this earth am I going to get 3000 miles away? We are making it here thanks to the many wonderful friends and family that helped...my needs and my kids needs have been blessed with good fortune. but honostly I'm still not happy. *sigh*

every day is like a glance out a window in my mind, I can clearly see what I want, like looking through a glass shop window at twilight knowing all the doors are locked tight. sounds simple right, just wait til morn...WELL ITS NOT!!!! (frantic moment) Its not simple. I want it NOW! I want some peace and tranquility in my life...I wanna know I can get to a store and know that I can tend my kids...this is all bs. (ok calming dn sry about that)

I see that I want to be w/ david, I picture in my mind a home, a family, a true meet me in the middle relationship...and yet I can't touch it, and I can't even come close to touching it...money is truely the root of all evil...with it people aren't happy and without it u can't survive..so whats left...but time....*sigh*

I definately have too much time on my hands..and not enough emotional stability to get a train of thought to stay put long enough to solve a problem..maybe I should just fucking walk to the store...10 god damn miles to the bank....GRRRRR...I'm outta here...c soon...I hope

Brightest Blessings

BA

"THE DAY BEFORE"

2002-06-20             4:47 p.m.

a lifetime I have been seeking joy and happieness always having it yanked from under my feet. today the day befor my newest commitment I find myself full of sadness and a numbness falls over me, until I hear the words u have mail mistress, which happens when I get yahoo mail. it was something simple, a simple reminder that tomorrow is the day, the day that sould be one of the happiest in mine and davids relationship. I will be dealing with this day alone, we can not betogether. tears stream from my cheeks as I think about what should be and what can not.

I want to b there with him, I would lay my life down to be there. to many as always i am a fool, but true love don't care about others opinions...only that you follow your heart. Love isn't always deserved, or it would not be love...True love is unconditional it seperates actions from what you feel for a person....True love stands strong thru the wind, it out lives the worst and works to heal the pain, and carry on . forgiveness is apart of love and to forgive and forget is something many can't do...I can...when this is all said and done the past will be forever locked away and our happieness can begin. for those that may find my opinion offensive, I am sry...but If u don't support those u say you love then its obvious you don't love them near as much as you say....harsh? Maybe...but to me is as true as my blood is red...

when I say better or worse I mean those words, I am NOT going to follow what the sick hearts of this world think I should I am going to do what to me is the right thing...IF U DON'T LIKE IT TOO FUCKING BAD!!!!

Yes Im in a dark mood ... why do u ask??? I am not happy I am not going to pretend...I am real I have good days I have bad but over all I survive.. I had it asked once where my happieness lies...where? u ask?

My happieness lies within my own heart, knowing that I stand up for my own beliefs , knowing that I am not so weak that I have to hunker down and pretend to believe in those around me's views...I am not U I do not hav to think like u...

My happieness lies in my love for those who touch my heart and earn the title friend or family. my happieness lies when I hug my child or hear the voice of my david whisper how much I mean to him. My happieness comes from knowing what I want, and not being afraid to fight for it...my happieness lies in me..my happieness lies in my faith...

My tunnel vision has me pointed to seattle where I hope to be as soon as possible. a place where I can be closer to david and share his life with him...I can only hope that it happens soon. I have fears and desires untold and yes I am aware that this is a drastic move but one with great emotional value. I am in love I am in need of his presence...I am an emotional mess because i can not be there...and I know he feels the same...we need each other. and eventually I will be there...

OKOKOK I'll shut up..Im gonna go I'll probably return a few times over the next two days because I am taking a rest from neo, my on line life and just simply focusing on me...if u wanna call me and u have my number u r welkum, I would love to hear from u, if u feel that u need to check on me...so be it, I appreciate the support, but if u r just going to tell me what u think and not care about my feelings..don't bother...I will not be swayed!!!!

Brightest Blessings

BA

"FAMILY"

2002-06-20             11:13 p.m.

I have spent 90% of today with very dark thinking and thoughts about my darling David. I know how alone he is up there and how much I wish I could be there with him. of all days on the day of our handfasting...sadly i can not but there is more bothering me...Its how few of those he loves and calls family actually have written him even the smallest of notes or sent him the smallest of messages...even a helllo...*sigh* I hurt knowing he hurts, I hurt knowing that he feels abandoned in his hour of need..HE WOULD HAVE NEVER TREATED PPL THIS WAY!!!!!!

and people claim family unity BULLSHIT!!!!! I suppose they would be ok if the people who they love and those who claimed to love..never bothered to say hello, never bothered to say hey, its gonna b ok, I still love u...you are still my friend, still in my thoughts...I don't even think most ppl know what the fuck family means...I do..I know that family represents BLOOD! it means thick or thin, that u support one another...

Family don't mean that u agree with a person, its a pact that u will support the emotional state of another human being... That even during the the time u r bitching them out u r honost and do so in love...anger, hurt, and resentment is human nature.....but in a family its ok to still love a person even when they r wrong....

****Gets down and kicks her soap box accrossed the floor***

I leave u with a bueatiful Dolly parton song called:

Family

(Dolly Parton/Carl Perkins)

When it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, you accept them, 'cause you have no choice but to

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

And they always put you to the test

And you always try to do your best

And just pray for God/ess to do the rest, when it's family

Some are preachers, some are gay

Some are addicts, drunks and strays

But not a one is turned away, when it's family

Some are lucky, others ain't

Some are fighters, others faint

Winners, losers, sinners, saints, it's all family

And when it's family you trust them and your heart's an open door

When it's family, you tolerate what you'd kill others for

When it's family, you love and hate and take, then give some more

Somehow you justify mistakes, try to find some better way

To solve the problems day to day, in the family

You take the trouble as it comes and love them more than anyone

Good or bad or indifferent, it's still family

You choose your lovers, you pick your friends

Not the family that you're in, nah

They'll be with you 'til the end, 'cause it's family

And when it's family, you forgive them for they know not what they do

When it's family, they're a mirror of the worst and best in you

When it's family, when it's family

Let me be all that I should be to the family

Brightest Blessings

BA

*PS I LOVE U DAVID*

"ADVENTURES"

2002-06-22             10:55 a.m.

OHHHHHHHH Its way to earley for me to be up, my land lord started calling me some where around 7am, now he knows I am not a morning person...7AM! but there were issues he needs to address like the fact i called him yesterday to tell him the damn water isn't working that he needs to take immediate action, he said the well is probably low and just needs some time to fill back up, I gave him 2 hrs, called back with, HAY! ITS STILL NOT WKING!!! he' says theres nothing we can do tonight...I sware that man is shovinistic...GRRRRR> we borrowed water and made it thru the night...

He brought over fuses I changed em, but to no avail...still no water...why me, why my luck so I am waiting on him to bring back a plummer...which is probably not going to b able to do nothing...I think its a problem with the well..the jerk won't listen... some men really make me sick!

Yesterday morn david called twice I was able to read to him what I had prepared in the form of vows...I was a lil depressed that he already knew...but I told him what he didn't know the words...I think I surprized him a lil, cause he was speechless by the time I was done..and tears were streaming dn my cheeks. I would have given anything to have been there in real life...I love him so much and as soon as I can, Im going to seattle!!!!!

last night I went out at sunset and watched the sun go to sleep and the night grow...it was bueatiful, I sat with a note book giving full discriptions to david, after the night had fallen upon me I wrote him a lovely romantic story about what the evening should have been like, That ought to create more than a few minor problems for him... I ended up writing 30 some pages I guess I was out there 5 hrs...finished the letter and put it in the mail. then I rolled over on my back and stared up at the stars, I spoke at lengths to the powers that be,..(while I was out side jez, ariel, and bear called...I thought that was so sweet....they just don't know what it means to me that some one called)...I fell asleep on the blanket and I think my kids were gonna let me sleep there...lil brats..LOL when I woke up I was cold, the dew from the ground had the blanket and me wet, I grabbed my stuff and went inside... I came in and went back to sleep...I woke a few times but was so drained that I fell back to sleep...and that was my nite...

so far this morn I hav cleaned the yard, swept the floors and am waiting on WATER!!! to mop and be able to flush the toilets and clean the bath room...

For now Im gonna try to catch another nap...

Brightest Blessings

"CUTTING LOOSE"

2002-06-25             3:19 a.m.

To say the least I am aggervated, I truely am, I won't name names here and I won't add the convo but...because of a situation with a very close family member I am to say the least upset.

I have been posting my views concerning family, and what I feel the words mean. I have been trying ever so hard to make life within my FAMILY better. I do not speak blood here people for I havn't much of that left these days. what I speak of is my extended family, those I have grown to love and feel close to.

Tonight while discussing my darling w/ someone who he use to b very close to, someone he dearly loves I found out exactly how this person thinks....how they feel and their own phylosophy of family. I was appauled to hear the threats comming from this person, I'm not actually concerned with the threats them self but the idea that they would go the distance to make them knowing how strongly I feel about my family...

Its no secrate how badly I want David out and back home where I feel he belongs, Its no secrate what that means to me, and many others in the HOME. to night i found out that a person is willing to sacrifice the whole family to slander and perverse the whole situation, to publically humiliate not only him but me as well...whats there to gain from so much hate...why does this seem to be what the world wants... i just dont understand...

1st off im sry but this is my life and i hav choices to make...weather i stay w/in family or start a new is my choice no one elses...i certainly dont feel any more loved after tonights events....I have actually concidered starting a new...leaving the chaos and beginning again...yes I feel that pull very strongly... its not that I actually love my family any less...its that I feel my needs will not be met within when david gets out..I feel I have in many ways been asked to choose him or our family...though many may not understand that man makes me whole... and he is a huge part of my happieness I am just so aggervated by all this and I need time to think...I have real life issues that will come before a game where ppl don't even respect my right to live my life how I choose...ITS A GAME!!!!!!!!

FUCK IT!!!

Im going to bed...Ill think on this but wonder why I bother...

Brightest Blessings

"what do u do"

2002-06-27             1:51 p.m.

what do u do when

your hear is breaking

when your hands are tied

and you feel forsaken

what do u do

when your hope seems gone

and your losing the passion

to just carry on

what do u do when

there's no where to turn

when in silence

you secrately yearn

what happens when

it all falls apart

when u feel u r loosing

whats left of your spark

when u want to give in

cause no matter your effort

you just can't win.

what do u do

when u want to let go

when there are still people

who are telling u NO.

how do u cope

what do u say

when things seem to get worse

with each pasing day...

Today I got a call from my darling, actually lets say 3 calls cause they were back to back. Between the crazy phones, and screaming kids I found it so hard to hear. but some things I can't help but feel...like helplessness...

I know he needs me right now, not just here, BUT THERE! where it feels real and as always I feel like I failed him ... some may say that I have it back wards...but U can take your opinions else where I know what I feel...

he told me to stay where I am, not because that's what he wants but because he sees no other way... Through out the call I got the impression he was trying to tell me something, that he has given up...that he was hiding something....Im scared and bound by what can only be said as poverty...I can't afford to split and follow my heart...Im handcuffed by the inability to fund the move that I need to make...

this is what seems life or death...The more I fight the harder I fall...the sooner I find hope its again taken from me...its like looking thru a big bay window calling it life...and all at once that window begins to crack....u know if that crack continues that its gonna shatter.....thats me...only the crack has grown to cover the whole window...its not going to be long before that glass falls apart and a empty frame remains...

for those of u out there that screams u hav 4 bueatiful children...yes I do know this and for them I exsist... the light actually fadeing from my eyes...and a coldness setting in...this doesn't mean i don't love my kids...I do ...I would die 4 them...but being a mother isn't enough....its just not...Im alone when my passion is 3000 miles away...this is where my heart is, where I wanna be...I don't care who likes it, I don't give a FUCK what THE HELL u think , say, or do....this is what I need...he is what I need...

I have to find a way and fast..I just feel deeply if I miss this last chance there will be no more....

Blessings (ARE NOT BRIGHT TO ME)

"A DANCE UNDER THE MOON"

2002-07-04             2:34 a.m.

Life is truely bazzar and tonight I went out to find my peace under the stars. I do this so that I can feel closer to my David. as I walked outside i noticed my siloette accrossed the lawn...I watched as my dress flowed...so magical looking. I looked up at the stars and waved the sides of my dress..I slowly danced accrossed the yard feeling the wet grass between my toes...the wind blew softly as I danced...I looked around at the trees swaying, the few stars above me...and again at the siloette...I thought about the chat room in the house and how two there reminded me of me and david not so long a go...how i miss him how i miss what we had...and how i long to be with him...I continued to dance along the yard a soft smile over my face yet a tear in my eye...I imagined David being beside me..holding me...kissing me softly...I imagined it was finially over and we were together...reality settles and i *sigh* as a tear streams dn my cheek...I turn twords the house where i know others await my return.....I blow a kiss into the wind as always imagining it findfs its way to sooth his soul... I love u david! Brightest Blessings

*WHT I HATE JULY 4th*

2002-07-04             4:27 a.m.

well its here

the dreaded day of the year, the day that 10 yrs ago still haunts my mind like it just happen.

It was 4th of july, my mother brought home my daughter from a visit to tell me she was going to KY for the weekend to spend the 4th of July...I felt bad cause my mother and I was mending our relationship. I thought very hard about sending my daughter with her cause she had never seen the fire wks with Starla. As I opened my mouth to say "MOM" I felt a slap , a hard one...chills ran my spine and when she said YES. I said I love u....

I still get chills when I remember that moment, why didnt i say PLZ DONT GO! would she had listened, no. she would hav told me not to worry she was fine.

all day I worried about what I had felt, it was so cold, I was scared it was one of those somin is gonna happen feelings and I again failed to say somin...we went to the local high school returning almost midnite at nite..45 min later or so give or take. My moms b/f daughter showed up at my house I never liked RickiGail. NEVER and when she came to my house I knew somin was wrong...

I said whats going on..she told me to sit dn.I argued the point. she said plz. I told her FUCK THAT! whats wrong w/ ur dad..

when she said jesi there was an accident I said OMG WHERE"S MY MOM! she said in the HOPSITAL...I started to cry OMG I GOTTA GET TO MY MOM! she bluntly told me it was too late..I immediately felt like killing her, but instead ran to the bathroom to get sick..colapsing to the floor screaming, puking and crying...finially they drag me outta the bathroom...she asked me if I wanted to go to my grandma's I said yes...my x kept star so I could go and Roger could go w/ me..I got to grandma's and found it to b true..the police had been there.

with everyone else upset I tried desperately to pull myself together grabbed the phone and made the 1st call to mom's best friend (my aunt shirley) when she ran frantically through her house breaking things I fell apart threw the phone and ran into my husbands arms cried for 4 hrs....Shirley showed up and poped a valume in me. I dont remember stopping crying..I do remember Rick Burkhart showing up in mom's car hrs after he was due...gets out throws a beer accrossed the car at his unkel and points his finger in our faces he said"I want u to know right now we went to get married" then he handed me mom's top false teeth...I colapsed into someones arms...lost my mind.... that man was the biggest JERK I knew and to this day after all he did I believe he shot mom and cause his family was cops they covered 4 him...

I will never forget the smell of the roses and the thought of them makes me sick to this day.....Even after 10 yrs I feel empty, lost and alone without her...she was a bueatiful woman who loved all and all loved.

I just had to share that story so u know why I say next that I HATE THE FUCKING 4th OF JULY!!!!!!!!!

Those of u out there living in dermestic Violence plz get out!!! NOW!!!! do not let your life end like MY MOM'S DID! learn from my heart ache...

BA

I HATE 4th OF JULY AND THE NEXT DAY TOO

2002-07-05             4:07 p.m.

damn surpprize question on sprint, they asked me my friends bday today, cause I hav to play like Im her. i had to play like kids fighting so I could ask a person who knew cause I didn't..duh....I should know these things...*sigh* I HATE PHONE CO!!!!!!!!

god damn att tryed to fuck me, last month I signed up to hav direct bill for davids calls. they told me then i would hav no more trouble w/ blocks

well... they fucking lied, they tried to switch my LD service which was thank goddess rejected by sprint...they put me on a 50$ limit collect calls

thats 2 calls..: damn them!!!! so they blocked my phone again! so i call them this morn raise hell over everything i found out..

1. i never gav permission 4 them to change my ld carriert

2..I wasnt suppose to hav a limit

3..my bill was pd in full

the damn new bill just came TODAY... phone been blocked 3 days

so i pay then 142.05 today out of my account..that I don't have! so they will unblock my collect calls. immediately !!!! 6 hrs later phone is still blocked..was suppose to take 15-30 min the increased my limit to 100$..but wont go any higher unless I allow them to do a credit check..I dont know what kind of credit they will find or other phone bills..so i aint doing it... or unless i wait 6 months pay on time establish credit w/ AT&T

sry FUCKING BASTARDS! I am so fucking mad... I would never fuck up my friends credit NEVER..I would sell my jewery 1st...HELL would sell my ass b4 i hurt her credit.... I gav my solom sware on my faith i would never leave a bill

i could c if the bill was behind...or late but we pay b4 the calls log most the time he got in trouble but I seem to b the one paying...with phone hell...and nerves..and worring, and trying to get to him..and making myself sick...I am 2 sec from breaking.... I needed him yesterday....and because of AT&T i couldnt hav him he called rose today she explained situation to him... he was worried about me..though she didnt tell him i am past breaking level...

ellie got burned last nite by a fountain that tipped after it went off..fire ball flew accrossed yard hit ellie she has burn on her arm.I freaked out, stopped refused to finish the show..I HATE 4th of July, I started crying...

went into the shakes, started w/ ellie getting burned after i was trying to do it just 4 the kids i usually wont even watch the wks cause of mom...and then i realized this was the 1st time in 17 yrs ive been alone...no one to hold...no one around cept the kids..I began to really fall faster...as I thought about my love and us being apart... then in minuets time i was crying harder, i wanted my mom...B4 u think u cant hav her..NO SHIT..is why I cried...My mother would hav only been 44 this year...she was just too young... *sigh*

I cant take no more..nope nope...

water heater is wking..needs turned up dont know how..but it does wk.

its not scolding like it use to b but its atleast not freezing, well water gets colder than public..and i been showering in that for 2 wks I heat water 4 kids or they just play in hose outside during the day..but me I just jumped in cold shower.it wasnt as bad as it seemed but took some getting use to...they also fixed my toilet gav me a new one...

I want outta here...I want to b w/ david...I want to b able to look in his eyes...hear his voice and melt away....yes I do know thats what I will do..I managed to stare at him every nitre for 6 months...I want to spend my life doing that......

Im just not in a good damn mood...Im outta here...

BLESSINGS

BA

"Looking Beyond The Attacks"

2002-07-07             2:48 p.m.

Twists turns and road blocks stand in every direction these days, People you thought were your friends you find were no more than camilians (wolfs in sheeps clothing) ready to shed their desguise and attack when you don't agree with them...people who truely never gave a shit about u from the beginning...only threaded you along until they could attempt to destroy you. You'd think I would have learned by now that this is how humanity works that true friends are less than one in a million...Yet I still hold belief that in general the world is good...

Over the last few weeks I have learned where my family/friends lie. I have found strength and comfort in a whole new world. I have learned the true meaning of family, friendship and love. that all three are unconditional and last thru even the worst storms.

Friends do not attack u when u need them most, friends stand by you even if they don't agree with you. Friends are their for u if life takes a sour note.

I have a friend right now that is MIA...this woman means the world to me...I just keep hoping, and praying that she will surface. I have made multiple phone calls and sent out several letters, her email is full but this does not stop me in my search. she gave me more strength that just about anyone and I will b forever indepted to her. eventually she will surface and when she does Ill hug her, bitch her , and then be thankful for her return...I do miss Aunti..I hear she is ok...not in the greatest living conditions but is ok...she just don't hav a phone or PC...maybe soon..I HOPE!

Which brings me to a totally differant topic...being friends with two ppl who are not friends with eachother. this is a fact of life. I will not allow the world to dictate to me who is worthy of my friendship, my love my compassion. I am a leader not a follower..I know what I want and Im not afraid to fight 4 it. I refuse to turn away from someone just because another thinks I should. I am so tired of the closed minded individuals...

As for the current attacks on me and my ability to be a mother I tell all those sorry ass bitches to evaluate them selves. what are you doing w/ your life..have u soght help for your depression, the random acts of slicing your body, your alcoholism , your lack of self control???? have u looked at yourself before u cast stones at me? I truely doubt it...

I have spent almost 13 yrs as a singel parent giving to my children everything in my power, everything in my being. My kids worship the ground I walk on they know they are loved and worshiped as well...material items are small compared to the love my children have and My life has been blessed by their exsistance. so what if they bicker, fight, wine, throw tanturns, get into shit, break shit, even become dare devils..guess what THEY R MINE!!!!

In my life I have faced many challenges, I have out lived abuse, neglect, loss of loveones, survived my mothers murder, made a complete come back from street life..I may be 29 yrs old but im no young pup... and I'm no QUITER! so go ahead cast your stones, try to tear me down...its gonna be u with the loss not me....u r the one Karma will bite NOT ME...

I am following my heart, believing in the power of love that can move mountains..and in the end I'll stand on top!

Brightest Blessings

"BLEAK RAMBELINGS"

2002-07-11             10:55 p.m.

*sigh* another day passes no closer to my dreams comming true. I woke at 5:30am to a miserable tooth ache..I tried to wash and hold my mouth full of jack daniels..I waste the stuff so much..this time It didn't help and all I could do is cry...so I reached for the nerve pills. I took two in hopes it would knock my tale out and I could find relief.. it did the job...

I woke up at about 1:30 in the after noon. feeling very numb and still very medicated...the mail ran ,I got two letters from david...Excited I opened em and found a real good ass chewing...Im not sure he ment things the way they came accrossed but I isolated myself in my room so I could write him in peace...I always read thru the entire letter then I go back reread and write back in the same order...

He holds so many doubts about weather I am gonna ever get there, weather I really want to be there. GOD DAMN IT! I keep telling him YES! I am killing myself trying to find a way..Im begging the powers that be to help me get there...I am so stuck and life feels so dark. im becomming weak and deeper in to depression every day...those who attack my email havn't helped at all...but fuck em..they never truely cared to begin with...i believe that now...they were never truely family .....or should i say i was never truely their family...i just want to go...i want to b there..im tired of waiting...tired of crying..tired of watching him and i both hurt...i feel him now trying to push me away...in an attempt to stop his pain....if that happens i am nothing..i will let go....i will never allow anyone to get close to me again..i mean it..this is it...no more.

so what do I do, what can I do? apsolutely fucking NOTHING!!!!!!!!

I am so damn stuck...

tears is my life these days and nothing else has flavor..even my web creations feel dark..I cant consentrate, thoughts about him fills my mind..I take care of the kids and exsist..Im not happy, there is no joy...only sorrow...only pain...Im lonely and lost...needing communbication that I can't have...feeling like a failure in everyaspect...

Im not where I should be, nor am I close. Im fucking up his neo account, done lost his pet which he is so angry about..I told the wrong ppl what he did now we r both underfire and life is a mess

Im being forced out of the home I helped create because I want to make a life with the man I love despite what he did..I losrt many friends because of this same choice..what is left to fight for...I just can't c the sun any more..I can't feel the warmth I cant even find the energy to try anymore..

what do u do when u feel u can't win....when the world is against u and the only ray of happieness is 3000 miles away...

no u don't have to answer that I know, U hang on , put on the happy happy mask and pretend everything is ok so not to upset the worlds balance...u try to make some one happy, and create happieness some where for someone...***sigh***

Ok I'm outta here..I truely hope everyone is better off than I am right now...

Brightest Blessings

"PANICK"

2002-07-13             3:27 p.m.

I just not in the mood to deal w/ other ppl...i got a blood stained diary entry..that was raw and very hurtful....: I know when he is upset he bites his lip very very hard to make it bleed...and this pack happen to hav blood every where.and he tells me not to worry about the dirt marks..yea uh huh..sure me not worry...dirty marks..yep Im stupid,.....NOT I know blood when I see it!!!!!!.. he talks about the phone calls, and me not letting him talk...and then about the move and giving up that Im comming etc. I am about ready to loose my fucking mind and every call , every letter, takes me down that much more...I feel like everything I do is failing him in one way or another...Its like being stabbed 1000 times in the heart..

I told all the wrong ppl ( there for was attacked by those I thought were my family) , I lost his pet (again because I told the wrong ppl and got scared they would try to hav his account frozen so I moved his stuff and lost his pet) , Im not there where I should be... he thinks i dont wanna come. Im so tired, so tired of hurting, so tired of being doubted, so tired of doing without, so tired of not knowing what to do..I tell him over and over how badly I want to be there..does it seem to sink in? NO if I knew what to do I would I am stuck I live 5 miles in the boonies, no sitter, no car, 2 days worth of food left, .I want to pull myself out I want to wk and get there but I am STUCK...

If I could get a pick up I'd load the SOB with what ever i could carry and would b gone...and standing in davids face....saying "OK IM HERE IS THIS PROOF ENOUGH?????"I dont think in all my years on this earth I hav ever been so scared of waking up ....whats gonna happen next...when will he give up and Ill be alone totally...I hav lost so much...and am sinking further every day...in the new diary entry he speaks of making finial discissions, writes as if the time draws near though the whole time denying that it is..... I know he has made his will, his mother is from what he says his medical POA...etc....he is preparing for the end...I just dont know....Im confused and scared and trying my best to find a way....I appreciate those that do listen...of course it makes me feel bad when i do....its been 4 months down time and Im still sinking....Im sure ppl r getting tired of that too.

So what now...all I can do is sit and cry..and wish and hope and pray and hang on to what sanity I have left..which doesn't seem to be much...Right now the only good things in my life is the kids and they are such a hand ful that I drive myself crazy trying to get em to behave...

gonna go now..

I'm ALIVE!

2002-07-22             9:19 p.m.

Yall i know i been really neglecting my diary here but understand that there r just some things in life u can't talk about in public until its time... for that reason I decided to make a differant diary, those i want to know hav the link others im sry, i either don't want u to worry or I don't trust...if I speak to u on a regular basis u know its not trust... so my SW ppl...that trust is NOT U!

any way Ive also been a busy person...these days..i am the leader of two guilds...yes 2...one is the wpg that was recently deleted by new...religious descrimination....yes thats what it is....and in due time true-emotions.net my domain is gonna start proscess of advertisement against neo...we plan to pull all the religious guilds into it... 1st having to find my 5000 members...gez we hav been sending out neomails since what 4 days ago when neo became dicks!!!!

Im one pissed off pagan and neo has met a priestess that can and will rally for a good cause...so all my faithful readers watch the front of true-emotions for updayes on the situation..also know that true-emotions .net has a new message board..im lazy today so if u wish to check it out its at www.true-emotions.net/bb/ its huge and all u hav to do is regester and post..lots of topics even WPG religious/political stuff....check it out...

me and david hav had some trouble over the last few weeks...we r under so much pressure, with cash and 1 phgone call a week...my mood swings and his too...its rough..but i am gonna fix all that just u wait and see!!!!!

I cant say what im up to yet but will say he wont be alone up there much longer....he will b sitting face to face w/ HIS ANEGL!!!HIS BLAZING ANGEL...(GRIN) if u are a local reader of his keep ur mouth shut!!!!!!!!!!!!! please i want to c his mouth drop when they bring him in and its me instead of his normal visitors....plz the few that hav access to him dont say nothing.... let me b slick and give him the surprize of his life...

If I don't go soon I will be nothing...those closest to me know how bad ive been i wont say here.... I hav a bitch rant place 4 that...and i use it wisly..maybe one day soon ill open it 4 the world but 4 now i just cant...it saves him and me from attack or persucution...

well ppl this busy leader has wk to do..and i cant stay longer

brightest blessings

"U-R-NOT-A-FAILURE"

2002-07-23             1:05 p.m.

Hi everyone,

just a few lines to tell u about the special lil letter I got today. It was several pages long...but very few words... (I MELTED)

For a few weeks now as u know I have been hooked on the I'm failing David cause I'm not there...right? well he has had enough of that kind of talk... so to get his point strait he sent me this...

when u spread the papers out side by side the fronts were singely written...

I-L-O-V-E-U

when u turned them over on the back they read....

you-are-not-a-failure-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thats all that was in the package...I know to some of u that wouldn't mean much, but u hav to understand that I have really been pushing that I'm failing him, to him...this is his way of forcing me to listen to him, cause its obvious that nothing else he has said has stopped my brain from that thinking...

So to me its one of the sweetest things I've ever gotten...funny how a few simple words can change the way u feel about yourself, isn't it..and it's like he always knows how to get thru to me and make me feel better... A Hopeless Romantic I am...indeed.

well I'm gonna close for now..there r alot of stressful things going on to day...we hav court over Ronnie again tomorrow..and I hav no ride, no one to help and I'm panicking...not looking forward to walking that far. *sigh* at least I don't feel like I'm failing him (SO MUCH)

Brightest Blessings

Moving

2002-07-30             4:10 p.m.

Dear friends, and family

as some of u may already know I am in the proscess of moving. this isn't just a around town move so I am writing here so u will know.hold any jokes and non-emergency messages til I contact u after my move.

For those who may not know I am moving to washington state, over 3000 miles away to be with my fiance. this is a happy yet hetic time. I will have some one monitoring my email until I return so if there is an important email I will get the message...just mark subject line EMERGENCY...and the person will tell me the next time I call.

light your candels, say your prayers, and send warm wishes for a safe arrival.... I'll be in contact as soon as possible.

Brightest blessings

Jesilyn

aka

BA

PS. for all those less than supportive ppl out there who think that this move is a huge sin or an insain discission, well think what u want but keep ur trap shut!!!!

I'M Leaving HERE!!!!!!!!!!

2002-08-01             7:42 a.m.

OH OH OH Im gone Im so happy, I finially found a ride.... Im gone Im gone...happy *PAG* dance!!!!!!!

ok ya'll... Im packing the pc in a few hrs so this is my last post til internet connection is established in washington...

Im going Im going!!!!!

here is my schedual starting tomorrow at 7:15am watch, light candels, keep us in your prayers we r gonna need it...

http://www.true-emotions.net/Greyhound.htm

O Im scared but Im going!!!!I can't wait to c David...I'm so excited....

this is what I been waiting on for months....

take care my faithful readers my next entry will b from washington....YAHHHHHH!!!

Brightest blessings

BA

"The after effects of the move"

2002-08-09             11:17 p.m.

Well people,

I made it by the skin of my teeth and things tend to get worse let me start from where I left off shall we?

I sent my pc on the 4th so I am just now getting back on. I caught my bus on the 5th over two hours late... the trip that was ment to take 2 days and 19 hrs took 3 days and 17 hrs..I finially arrived in seattle after a hell of a trip...no it wasn't the kids they were actually great almost the whole way... we made a few new friends but those friendships quickly ended...nice while it lasted.

we managed to get the shaft at every bus stop along the way...rude greyhound workers, and run arounds...i didnt know where my luggage was for two days...no one would assist. I was scared to death...

we met many nice ppl along the way who helped w/ dinners and stuff like snacks for the kids...I felt really blessed...

when we got to our destination Jenny was there..it was so nice to see a friendly face who I actually knew...at least by phone and personality...It was a hug that I needed so badly... we got my stuff off the bus minus the one box that was lost in route. and she took it to the motel 6 closer to where David is...after which she returned to get me and the kids... we went to the motel and I curled my hair and did my makeup again...changed clothes and we left...

I took my nerve pill as my shakes began. we were headed to see David...the moment I had awaited for 9 long months.. I remember even with the nerve pills how shaken I was...the 1st impression..was I gonna be everything he has hoped for...how did I look, would he like my personality? would he still feel the connection?

I couldn't even hold the pencil to fill out the papers to get to see him... my hands just wouldn't...Jenny filled out my papers and directed me to where I needed to go... I wore my black silk suit and elvira spikes..Im surprized i could even walk as bad as I wobbled...

I approached the guard handed him my paper and ID and he handed me my key to the visitation room...I continued to shake as i walked dn the hall... I could feel the anxiety build and the tears form...but I held em back...

I entered the room....I hate small rooms..closterphobic incase u didn't know.. I waited..and in a few min here comes this grown man skampering up the stairs like a school boy..the biggest grin..I could tell he was very pleased with what he seen...and so excited that I was there..we spent alot of time staring at each other trying to grasp reality...

He is so georgous!!! everything I imagined he would be..how I would have done anything to get past that glass to feel his arms around me...ANYTHING!!!

his voice was like heaven and his eyes (yes he removed the glasses) reflected light into my soul..for a moment in time I was so happy..yet sad too...

he spent alot of time with tears streaming his cheeks...apologizing but I kept assuring him..we'll b ok..I'm here now..I love him so much! I know what he did...I know that it was wrong but I believe in him..and I am willing to go the distance..yes I know a woman in love is a reckless thing..but I have to try...

I spent 3 days in the motel...and jenny was around alot...I got to see david 3 times then I was taken to my aunts..where things go down hill from there..

Michelle is being evicted and i am screwed...I'm not giving up...lord only knows I would do anything for my kids...

I got up this morn got ready to go job hunting took shower, did hair and make up... I was actually excited to be going...woke up star to help w/ kids so not to feel like Im invading or pushing them off...and then told shell i was goping she told me not to go cause i don't hav a place to live..gezzz pete's I sware I can't win..Im about scared...

what do I do? where do I go? I have alot to work out... I feel like I have let down my guild (s) cause Im not there 4 them during our family crisis..and Even though I'm busting my ass I feel Im letting dn my kids too... what am I to do..

I can only do so much...

Keep us in your thoughts , light candels..and remember I love ya'll....

Ill write more as soon as I can...

If something happens Ill do my best to get to a pc and leave a message so ya'll don't worry...

Thanks for caring, (those that do)

Brightest Blessings

"The after effects of the move"

2002-08-09             11:17 p.m.

Well people,

I made it by the skin of my teeth and things tend to get worse let me start from where I left off shall we?

I sent my pc on the 4th so I am just now getting back on. I caught my bus on the 5th over two hours late... the trip that was ment to take 2 days and 19 hrs took 3 days and 17 hrs..I finially arrived in seattle after a hell of a trip...no it wasn't the kids they were actually great almost the whole way... we made a few new friends but those friendships quickly ended...nice while it lasted.

we managed to get the shaft at every bus stop along the way...rude greyhound workers, and run arounds...i didnt know where my luggage was for two days...no one would assist. I was scared to death...

we met many nice ppl along the way who helped w/ dinners and stuff like snacks for the kids...I felt really blessed...

when we got to our destination Jenny was there..it was so nice to see a friendly face who I actually knew...at least by phone and personality...It was a hug that I needed so badly... we got my stuff off the bus minus the one box that was lost in route. and she took it to the motel 6 closer to where David is...after which she returned to get me and the kids... we went to the motel and I curled my hair and did my makeup again...changed clothes and we left...

I took my nerve pill as my shakes began. we were headed to see David...the moment I had awaited for 9 long months.. I remember even with the nerve pills how shaken I was...the 1st impression..was I gonna be everything he has hoped for...how did I look, would he like my personality? would he still feel the connection?

I couldn't even hold the pencil to fill out the papers to get to see him... my hands just wouldn't...Jenny filled out my papers and directed me to where I needed to go... I wore my black silk suit and elvira spikes..Im surprized i could even walk as bad as I wobbled...

I approached the guard handed him my paper and ID and he handed me my key to the visitation room...I continued to shake as i walked dn the hall... I could feel the anxiety build and the tears form...but I held em back...

I entered the room....I hate small rooms..closterphobic incase u didn't know.. I waited..and in a few min here comes this grown man skampering up the stairs like a school boy..the biggest grin..I could tell he was very pleased with what he seen...and so excited that I was there..we spent alot of time staring at each other trying to grasp reality...

He is so georgous!!! everything I imagined he would be..how I would have done anything to get past that glass to feel his arms around me...ANYTHING!!!

his voice was like heaven and his eyes (yes he removed the glasses) reflected light into my soul..for a moment in time I was so happy..yet sad too...

he spent alot of time with tears streaming his cheeks...apologizing but I kept assuring him..we'll b ok..I'm here now..I love him so much! I know what he did...I know that it was wrong but I believe in him..and I am willing to go the distance..yes I know a woman in love is a reckless thing..but I have to try...

I spent 3 days in the motel...and jenny was around alot...I got to see david 3 times then I was taken to my aunts..where things go down hill from there..

Michelle is being evicted and i am screwed...I'm not giving up...lord only knows I would do anything for my kids...

I got up this morn got ready to go job hunting took shower, did hair and make up... I was actually excited to be going...woke up star to help w/ kids so not to feel like Im invading or pushing them off...and then told shell i was goping she told me not to go cause i don't hav a place to live..gezzz pete's I sware I can't win..Im about scared...

what do I do? where do I go? I have alot to work out... I feel like I have let down my guild (s) cause Im not there 4 them during our family crisis..and Even though I'm busting my ass I feel Im letting dn my kids too... what am I to do..

I can only do so much...

Keep us in your thoughts , light candels..and remember I love ya'll....

Ill write more as soon as I can...

If something happens Ill do my best to get to a pc and leave a message so ya'll don't worry...

Thanks for caring, (those that do)

Brightest Blessings

BA

"BULLSHIT THAT EXSISTS"

2002-08-11             4:13 a.m.

Let me tell u about my day shall I?

I woke to CS comming in he called..definately the highlight of my day...after which i got the kids ready in a hurry, cleaned up the blankets..brushed my hair and was ready to meet him at the door.

when he arrived we walked to the store got food and had a picnic at the park w/ the kids....it was really NICE. came back and within a few hrs my cousins friends came...

not very great if u ask me...why u ask?

loud music bang bang bang...alcohol bottles every where which i was constantly cleaning...most the ppl were too young to b drinking but my aunt was right there involved as if she had not a care in the world...i worried all that loudness and alcohol..not to mention the rest...yes it concerns me.

anyway at dinner time cs ordered pizza and i ran store for drinks met him at the park w/ the kids again a nice picnic dinner..we played at the park took pictures and had a blast.

came back to more bang bang music..my 16-17 yr old cousin fucking some guy in her room she didn't know...my aunt drunk and passed out in her room not even carring...again i cleaned bottles and glasses of 1/2 emty booze ....worried what my kids thought..

poor star wanted a motel room , i wish i could have helped her..i do..I would hav rented one asap but i cant afford it... *sigh*...

anyway as it got later..things started dieing dn. ppl started leaving..and I layed and listened to the talk as ppl must hav thought I was asleep.. shell talked about me like a dog...telling these ppl that I refused to giv her 25$ for the electric..jesus christ she got 500$ to assure a place 4 me and the kids to stay and here she is being evicted...like I have been here 3 days 4 counting today that is broke down to over 100 a day for a couch and floor to sleep...maybe 3 baths 4 me and 1 for the kids. I hav shared my cigs and other stuff and here she is bitchiung about money...GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK!!!!

Tomorrow me CS and the kids go to stay in seattle for the night so I can apply for some help to get a place to stay...this is BS I sware.. I sure hope everything wks out at that appointment. we can't go on with things like this. I need stability to take care of the kids and this place sure isn't stable..

thank heavens i know i hav raised kids with some common scense cause they know what they hav been seeing is wrong...they talk to me about it..and i assure them we will b out soon..yes i know like in a matter of a few days..why cause i hate it here..yes u heard me i hate it here...

my online family has more respect for me and the kids then my own blood does..i do not need us subject to the torment..

There is no way I am gonna sit back and take this shit...believe me b4 I leave I will say a few choice words...can't aford to yet...just can't...but will...thats a given...

I just hope my stuff is ok for 24 hrs while we r in seattle..can't afford to hav anything happen to my PC or the best of our clothes...

*shakes head* I sit here worried that I'll come back to an emopty house or something..I sware I will place a warrent 4 arrest if anything happens to our stuff...I have every right to be bitter as she has been paid more than a full months rent and her constant bitching about money drives me nutz..I know CS feels the same way...but what can we do now...

OK I'll quit rambeling but will catch up asap...

To all my wonderful family out there..I say thanks for the support and warm wishes it truely makes a differance..

Brightest Blessings

BA

I'M ALIVE and WELL!!!!

2002-11-24             5:11 p.m.

Hi Ya'll

I'm stuck writing this at a lybrary....yes my predictions were correct my PC got stolen by the bitch of a aunt and we have spent the last 4 months in a motel....

I'm not the happiest of campers but hay I'm alive ,

David got 10 years in the pen for his offences and It has taken a toll on me but again as etha says I am the black cat I always land on my feet...(smile)

As for the freak who thoiught he/she should leave crazy messages in my guest book...THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!!!!! It was cute... C Yall i have a great sence of humor even when faced with a challenge...

I may be getting a pc next week if not I plan to update weekly thru the lybrary... I love each and every one of my friends/family and no I did not perminately abandon you....

KEEP SAFE AND BE WELL!!!!

Brightest Blessings

BA

A Quick Catch-up

2002-12-08             4:03 p.m.

hi everyone, I don't have alot of time so I am gonna try to make this a quick but explanational entry...

Aug was my last really good entry because my aunt stole my computer...that was a real hard shocking experiance...I managed to live thru that along with being forced into a motel...we have spent the last four months living in motels...it's a pain in the ass but again we r surviving... At this time we r in the proscess of looking for an apartment and that is a huge mess....for apartments are expensive here...and even though I am now working and have michael for help its hard.....

OH let me bridge the gap concerning personal relationships.....As u know I came here to be closer to shad....well that fell thru when he got 10 yrs....not fun not happy but nothing I can do about it....after the initial shock I did decide not to spend ten years alone in the proscess I met a real sweetie....his name is Michael....ok so I'm moving alil fast but when have u ever known me to take the slow train in life...

He treats me and the kids well...and for the most spoils me rotten...the kids like him and I'm not alone....... Only time will tell what will come of my personal life...

I have Michael living w/ me.....and we're doing good...

I do visit and write shad daily.....He will always be an important part of my life but I can't be alone during my life..I'll leave the future to the powers that be....

The area around Seattle is very Pagan friendly ....lots of book stores, magick shops...candle places and pagan resources...I wear my pent....openly and most know what I am...its nice I never liked closet life and usually being out means alot of rough crazy situations from ppl who don't understand...

OK...well I'm outta here I am at a public lybrary...eventually I will give u all the details about whats happening in my life...until then remember I'm a survivor and I'll be ok....

Brightest Blessings

I GOT A LAP TOP!!!!!!!!

2002-12-25             4:03 p.m.

hi yall It's christmas and CS just got here....That sweetie brought me a lap top (smile)

it needs a modem and it's really old but hey I'll be back on line really soon....

let me take the time to give u a total run down about the last four almost five months...

Do u have your time travel wear? ok then lets go.....

Aug 11, 2002 My aunt ripped me off my 2000$ pc plus 500.00 she stole some of my clothes

and some of stars clothes too.we were on our way to a place that helps with housing...

thank goodness they gave me motel valchers because we needed em....

me, cs, and the kids went to the motel it was a place that at first glance i really didn't

want to stay at but at least it was warm and had beds and a kitchen. C.S left the nextday we

were all very sad. he had to though he said so he could leave us with enough to pay for the

rent for a week...I never felt so alone in my life, but I made the best out of a bad situation.

I did the best I could and made it into a nice one room apartment. I spent the first two months

looking for work and an apartment and I must admit feeling sorry for myself. I had Jenny who

became my bestfriend and I had my David to visit almost everyday.....

Around Aug 27 I was told I couldn't visit David for about 30 days until he was sentanced.

It was like a knife in my back... David again told me to take care of my needs any way I needed

to... For the 1st three days I layed and cried..... I was lost and alone so it felt like...

then something happen...something that left me both stisfied and ashamed...I met a man.

a very unique man a free spirited man who was um...49 years old... we talked for hrs and that night

something happen...something I never dreamed...he kissed me...when he did my hormones went nuts....

that night after I fed and put the kids to bed I went back over to Ted's room where things happen

by the time I left that room my self doubts had melted away... I always use to sy stars dad was the

most exotic man I had ever been with...now I can't say that... this affair lasted 5days...only 5 because

I withdrew, I was in love w/ david...ashamed at myself for what I had allowed to happen and

because i was beginning to become attached to him... not exactly what I had antisapated...it was time to

move on...and I knew it. 3 days passed ted worked and friday came..

I had taken the kids shopping bought hair dye and nails and other stuff for the house and kids.

the kids were playing as usual and Jenny was there....Dylan brought in a new face one I had seen

around, he had long hair a nice ass and my words were lost i could hardly even say hi...

he didn't say much only introduced himself as dylans friend and wanted to be sure it was ok

that i knew that he was there...

this was the beginning.....

after Jenny left Michael returned he said he had always wanted to do this...as he took my hand

and kissed it.I melted...that night we went next door to a friends house to have a few drinks

after which at 3am I returned to his room with him...we made love (a nice way to put it) not the

same sensations as w/ ted but slow and easy. his arms were warm and his touch soft and I didn't want

to be alone that night. After we were finished he returned to my room where we snuggeled the rest of

the night.by morn i didn't want him to go...

If he had of left he would have had to checkout on sunday..then what would i ever see him again..i decided

to let him move in...1st i would no longer be alone, second he could share the rent, also he coul help

with the kids who seemed to like him...alot...

at that time i didn't know when i would see David again and even though deeply inlove w/ David

I didn't want to be alone..I had needs that had been in the dark for almost two years

now those needs were being met...yes Michael knew about David and in time David would know

about Michael...this is where it became weird....

On the date of the sentancing David got ten years w/ 15% off for good time...My life fell dark...

over come by sadness and pain i returned home...where Michael and the kids were waiting...i cried

alot that day and Michael tried to comfort me but he was also afraid of loosing me himself.

for the most part i didn't know what to say...I must stay true to myself. I had told Michael

several times that I would never stop writing, seeing, talking to or loving David. I thought

he understood I suppose later u'll find that to be the worse mistake of my life....

Me and Michael got along well. I got a job as an appointment setter a fancy term for telemarketer.

at a local security company, mike watched the kids as I worked (as does he now) I visited David

at RJC until he was moved to shelton then it was only once a month...that broke me up inside...

when i did go michael got (gets) real depressed. sometimes it created (creates) an arguement...

it usually begins w/ "u don't love me like u do him...or something of that nature..." (personally

I don't think u ever love two people exactly the same way but hard to explain that to some one who

is hurting) its kind of an on going thing to this day...especially since the glass is no longer between

the visits.

Do u know what it's like to lead a double life where u have feelings for two individuals....

I've heard the word for this is poly. I guess thats a title i except these days. I am still

totally in love with David and yet I have grown feelings for Michael as well.

its not comfortable believe me....there is much that keeps me from falling in love

with Michael the same way as I am for David..let me explain....

Michael is bi-polar he has mood swings that make him cry like a two year old child

it drives me crazy...when he is good he's great he waits on me hand and foot

he treats me like a queen, but when he hits rock bottom which seems to happen alot

these days its pure hell.....thats when the "u don't love me as much as u love david"

starts....thats when he throws my love for David in my face and I dont have an

arguement for it other than except me for who I am or get out....

u c I am not gonna be given an autamatium (spelling) I will follow my heart

and do what it says....let me explain that one better w/ an example.....

I got to go see David two weekends ago 1st time without glass, a very

emotional experiance believe me...he walked thru the door and I broke

into his arms. he felt soooooo good..finially we were able to touch..

then he kissed me, oh my goddess...I could have passed out from

emotion. for the first time I was content with just being kissed and

hugged. we talked for hours (3) It was as close to perfect as possible.

when I got home I told Michael if he wanted to know to ask, but if he asked

be prepared to hear a honost truthful answer...he didn't ask though i could see

it was killing him...that bothered me...but the fact is I am who I am and if he

doesnt want me for who I am he needs to move on...(right?) I mean David knows

about Michael and though hard he accepts that I have needs that he can't meet

he knows I shouldn't have to pay for his time in prison...I'm in no way saying

he likes the idea but he isn't turning his back on me or giving me a choice of

being alone waiting on him, or loosing him either..David tries not to force

me into talking about sexual topics where michael is concened, though I often

do.how do i get myself into these messes...I'll never know.

some times i think its gonna drive me crazy...I don't like the inner feeling but

don't wanna give up either one of em...especially now... (sigh)

so what now? I suppose I continue this and hope in time things workout

for the best.

I guess that fills u in for the last four months I'll try not to take so

long next time....

Brightest Blessings,

ALMOST LIKE OLD TIMES!!!

2002-12-27             4:04 p.m.

hi peeps,

Another day another entry, this is starting to feel like old times. (Grin)

Now if only i could actually put it on my diary as i write it.... lol...

I just got home from work, it was shit as expected i mean who the hell is

Going to want a security system 2 days after x-mas...no one has $... tis life

I suppose... I got a letter from shad today...alot of touchy subjects...*sigh* not much that

I can discuss here.... mainly for his protection.... i think prison mail is held for several days b 4 its given to the inmates... cause he is still responding to my dec11 letter and its the last one he has...let me explain i write him every day.... so do the math his letter was written over a week from our visit and he still hadnt gotten anything from me about our 1st visit a week b4...bull shit huh.... any way i spent alot of my between calling writing him...not what my boss likes but what i feel i need to do for both sanity andtime...i can't write him at home so i havnt much choice. Well im dead tired and i have kids and cs to spend time with so i better run. Take care and may the goddess watch over u...

Brightest blessings

JUST CALL IT AN UPDATE!!!

2002-12-29             4:11 p.m.

hi all, another day of being alive...lol went to work and only set two, doubt it had anything to do with me being totally tired...nahhhhhh....not at all.. even the usual coffee and chocolate donut didnt make it better...any way i made it thru... after work i made a run for the bus what a huge mistake!!!! my body don't like to run any more....can u say asthma attack! big time! for the 1st time in months i had to

use the inhaler...shhhh no one tell the narks who will tell

shad! i mean it...i'm not in for an ass chewing...not that kind

anyway LOL!!!!!!! RITFLMAO!!!!

talked to etha today (frown) she just got out of the hospital

after a serious accident..I felt like an ass because i didn't

know how serious it was...(sigh) she wascheerful and tried

to play it off, but iknew that it was bad... she said she

had a gash from timple to temple and liver damage..no solid foods for

3 weeks (frown, tears) wish all these awful things would stop

happening especially when i can't afford to get home to check on ppl.

i know she knows i love her but i'd be more help at home..thats 4 sure.

talked to sharon, she couldn't talk long but at least she sounded good

am suppose to call back later today not sure if i'll b able to.

maybe tomorrow.

lets see....what else. oh, had to ground CS today. that boi!!!! i sware when he comes down he spends way too much money, i know he has expensive taste, but still...

now he may hav to cut trip short, i hate when that happens.

i love spending time w/ him and i know the kids dotoo...its nice to have

family around...not much here for us...normally were all alone...

he plans to move here this summer...i can't wait...

i'd love to hav all the family here...but that will never happen we know that..

still it's nice when i get to see em... hope rose visits soon

and sharon too... welp! i guess thats it for now...life goes on and so do i..

take care and as Shad would say KEEP SAFE!

Brightest Blessings

WHAT MATTERS MOST IN MY LIFE #1

2002-12-29             4:12 p.m.

while browsing a local lybrary I found a wonderful book

its called: the little book of BIG QUESTIONS. BY: Jonathan Robinson

After skimming thru I realized that I could use this little

book to not only help myself but could also use it to help

others... if only by expressing my own thoughts. also it may

help me understand others if they wanted to share...

LET'S BEGIN SHALL WE?

(REMEMBER: I will not be doing these every day so watch for updates)

#1. What matters most in your life?

when i sit and peice together what matters most in my life

I can think of several things but the top 3 would be

my family, my integrity and my faith in the great devine

my family (not ness. blood): are my strength, they love and

support me unconditionally. when times are tough I look

into the eyes of those wonderful souls and know my purpose.

it's those same faces that are shining at me during the good

and that is where my suscess lies. for without my family to

guide and support and charish I am nothing.....

my integrity: is my number one trait. when I say I'm gonna do

something it's important to do it... its also extreamly

important to me that I stand up for my beliefs til the death.

My faith in the great Devine: this being what I concider to the most

important thing in my life. it has helped form me and guide me and

educate me. my faith has provided me peace, strength, knowledge and

hope. it has inhanced my ability to love. My faith has helped to wash

away my pain, despiration,and has taught me to keep fighting that

things do get better.